The Tangent Newspaper

Saturday, 1 July 2006

SOMEWHERE IN THE WORLD SOMETHING IMPORTANT HAS HAPPENED

Of course, if you really were that interested you wouldn’t have picked up the newspaper with the most prominent primary colours, would you? So in the tradition of all good British tabloids we at The Tangent promise to avoid any story that may cause discomfort when consumed with a bacon butty. If we do stray into ‘issues’ then we will try to remain indignant and lie at all times.

Panet Earth: where news happens.

Labels: July 2006

CLASH OF TITANS with guest political commentator and former Big Brother contestant Derek Laud.

At the end of a busy week of looking at the FTSE and playing virtual fox hunt, I like nothing more than to settle down in a mood of constructive contemplation with a glass of Chianti in hand.

I normally try and avoid Friday night TV, particularly when Big Brother is in full swing. I can think of nothing worse than wasting my time being interested in the talentless underbelly of society as they backstab their way to the top in a pointless popularity contest where there’s no real difference between any of the contestants in the first place. It doesn’t appeal to my political heart.

CHARISMA

However this Friday I was prepared to dust down the remote control, open a fresh pack of Duracell and asked the butler to leave the bottle of Chianti, for tonight the irrepressible Dave ‘Davie Boy’ Cameron was appearing on the Johnathan Ross show. This was a chance for wondrous Davie from the block to show his charisma over the slack jawed stoical future opponent Gordy ‘who ate all the bacon?’ Broon. I was expecting to see a political television moment on a historical par with John Major’s stunning victory over Neil Kinnock in 1992. Here Dapper Dave could show he is the real alternative to the bumped up bureaucrat he’ll face down.

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The interview started well enough, Dashing Dave had some fine praise for Midas touch Maggie. It was at this juncture Ross took things down a dark and seedy alley. Here’s a little tip Johnathan, from someone with 37 years experience in the political media; it pays to remain impartial. You showed your lefty colours with your line of questioning towards the big DC about whether he had ever ‘wanked’ while thinking of Magic Maggie. What a despicable line of questioning Ross, you should be ashamed of yourself.

A teenager would have had a list of more pertinent questions for Davido. You had the most important politician of the past 20 years on your show and all your limited mind could come up with was this sordid suggestion.

RESPECT

It also shows a total lack of respect for the most important British PM of the last century. Are you aware of what Marvellous Maggie done for us Ross? Without her you’d be speaking Argie right now. Well, the rest of us would. You’d be speaking ‘Awgie’.

POLITICAL BRIEFS

CONSERVATIVE: The Conservative party go from strength to strength. In a recent opinion poll, conducted at a garden party I threw for my closest friends and family, 100% of guests said they intended to vote Tory at the next election. Keeping in mind the 10% of error that is allowed for such polls this means the Tories could receive a whopping 110% of votes at the next election.

LABOUR: This week people as far away as the Philippines expressed disatisfaction with T. Blair and co. There were lots of them gathered outside a building (probably a Labour surgery) holding signs demanding fairer Labour conditions.

LIB DEM: Nobody cares. Not even Ming. Not even Ming’s mum who is rumoured to be so old she can remember the last Lib Dem PM.

Labels: July 2006

Clandestine, 19 and a bit, Croydon.
I've been thinking a lot about Descarte's existential theories. It's really smashing stuff. I know I exist because I think, sometimes twice a day. But I don't know about anyone else. You lot walk around and interact with me as if you're similar thinking beings. But how can I prove that you are? For all I know you could be the cunning work of a demon whose sole purpose is to deceive me.

MAN GUILTY OF 'NOT BEING FAMOUS'

Heroin addict Stanley ‘Mad Stan’ McGonogal was sentenced to 15 years imprisonment at Glasgow Sheriff Court on Friday. Summing up the sentence, Justice Southern said, “You have been found guilty of not having a recording contract and not once having appeared on television. I have no alternative therefore but to lock you up in Barlinnie where thousands of fans will not materialise to campaign for your release”.

Local junkie 'Mad Stan'.

DETOX

Mr McGonogal, of no fixed abode, will not be attending an expensive detox clinic and said of
his sentence, “That’s no oan, by the way”. Despite his heroin addiction, it is thought to be unlikely that any major label will step forward to offer McGonogal a record deal. Friends told of the news reacted without shock or surprise at the outcome citing his long history of ‘not even trying to get on Big Brother’ and ‘staying at home to shoot up’.

HIKKYWOOD

It is widely believed that Mr McGonogal’s partner Cheryl, who is not a supermodel, will be cheating on him within several hours of his imprisonment. As there is no Hollywood interest in a film about the imprisonment, Cheryl will not be staging any vigil outside of the prison nor will she be played by Meryl Streep in any production. Pete Doherty was unavailable to comment on the case as he was smacked off his face.

Famous person 'crazy Pete'

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DON'T SAVE, QUEEN

Once again the Royal Family has proved itself to be a value for money family. Do not be mistaken dear reader, I’m not suggesting The Queen shops at Lidl, I am referring to the excellent value for money we, as subjects, receive from our Royal Family. To continue the supermarket analogy; you may find a buy one get one free offer in the supermarket but with the Royals, you buy The Queen and get a whole bunch of them for free!

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For all the benefits of the monarchy this royal
subject only has to contribute 62p per year.

The Royal Family only costs each man, woman and child 62p a year. This is a wholly reasonable figure for what the empire receives in return. Parents ask your children if they feel their 62p contribution is worthwhile. Post Office workers ask the pensioners who queue up buying 2nd class stamps what they think of the price. Employees in Her Majesty’s Prison Service ask the inmates their thoughts on the matter. Lecturers ask your students and if you live in a sea side town go to your local Job Centre and ask the good folks signing on what they think. From 5 year olds and pensioners to prisoners, students and the unemployed you’ll be hard pushed to find anyone who thinks they are being overcharged at 62p a year. Of these people’s overall tax contribution this is a miniscule amount.

It is important we maintain any level of expenditure needed to meet Royal demand. The Royal Family represents every British citizen therefore it is imperative that The Queen is horse drawn in a gold carriage. It just makes sense. What would Edward’s golf buddies think of our fine country if one of its representatives didn’t take a chartered flight for a few holes? They’d think he’s poor, that’s what. And we can’t have that.

So for every person in the country, Ma’am I salute you and your extended family for the fine service you provide us at such a small cost. In fact the service is so fine I’m prepared to offer you a raise. Go on, go digital next year.

Labels: July 2006

LABOUR SET TO PRIVATISE VOTING

Following the publication of a industry sponsored study by a Government think-tank it has been announced that voting duties are to be removed from the public sector by 2008. Announcing the move at a packed press conference Prime Minister Tony Blair said, “Well, hey, we’ve had a bit of a study and it says that it would be best for everyone if the public didn’t vote anymore. I mean, hey, lets face it; voting is a hassle and wouldn’t it be better if instead of having to get time off working to go to the polls you could rest safe in the knowledge that someone far cleverer than you is making your decisions for you? I think I’m a pretty straight guy – I mean hey, what’s the difference between me and a taxi driver or a bin man? I honestly believe that this is the way forward for Britain in a very real way.

As of 2006 you will be given the choice of which private corporation you want to represent you at the polls; choose one from Big Tobacco, British Nuclear Fuels or BAE Defence Systems and they will go and vote New Labour for you.

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How could anyonoe not trust him?

I would like to point out that this move is mandatory and anyone who does not surrender their vote will be arrested as a terrorist. And hey guys, c’mon, I think that terrorism is something we can all agree is bad and I mean that in a very real sense.”

The Conservative opposition were unavailable for comment as they have disbanded on the grounds that ‘the Labour Party are pretty much doing our job for us’.

There are claims that the study is inherently corrupt due to the large sums of money donated to the think tank by large corporations during the 4 year study. Upon being approached with this allegation the chairman of the study came out on the balcony of his recently constructed 500ft tall Platinum Tower and gave a short speech:

“Bollocks to you. I just bought a small country”

Labels: July 2006

ROBBIE'S RETURN

I was invited to a very exclusive private hearing of Robbie Williams’s forthcoming single, along with 15,000 other journalists. Me and the Robster go a long way back, not like that, you cheeky rozzers! So it was no surprise to be invited to such an event. The girl group I used to be in back in the 90s, The Sexy Sisters, were supported by Take That at Manchester Kings Snooker Hall. Yep, that’s right Robbie and his mates supported us. Back then The Sexy Sisters were the horse to back in the pop race, until the unpleasantness.

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"Oh er. That doesn't feel right..."

Anyway enough about me, the Robsters new single, “I’m Not Even Trying Anymore” is a corker. It’s very minimalist and experimental, just three minutes of the Robmiester sighing. I could see my fellow journalists were a little stunned by this radical new direction for Robbie but not me. On late nights on tour back in the 90s I used to talk to Robbie (yes, only talk you dirty scoundrels) about my ideas of music.

Rob was an energetic youngster, as was I but I also understood music on a level he didn’t back then. Music is something that comes from the heart. Real musicians can take two spoons and providing they have heart can create a sonic masterpiece up there with Mozart or Bono. But enough about me.

I’m pleased Robbie has went down this path that I set out on my snappily titled 1996 debut solo album, “Pluck an Apple, Pluck a String, Eat the Fruit, Let the Song Sing”. Here at The Tangent we have always supported Robbie in all that he does, unlike some other sections of the media. Everyone in the office agrees that this new single of Robbie’s is at least the most important pop record since pop began. Oh we also have Robbie in for an interview next month.

HANDBAGS AND GLADWAGS

This goes out to my homies Vicky B, Chezzie and Coleen Mc who are living it up in Germania, land of the Germanians. They did invite me to go along with them seen as I’m a close personal friend of Vicky B. We both auditioned for the role of Posh Spice. I had a cold, Vicky didn’t, the rest is history.

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The countries most precious resource, the wags.

The editor also said I could go with them if I felt there would be a story in it. As much as I would have loved to invaded Germany with my biatches and the players I had to be honest and confess to the editor that I didn’t think anything over there would top the Steve Brookstein interview we have lined up for next month.

So Sayonara ladies, you’ll be hanging around with a lot of the England fans so here’s some advice. Is it a bird? Is it a plane? No, it’s a bloody chair; get your pretty heads out of the way.

Labels: July 2006

Dear Dialling Tone,

I had been seeing a younger women from the party scene for a bit. She was really nice and special; she had blonde hair and was slim. Anyway things were pretty serious between me and this girl; we’d known each other for about 10 minutes, so we embarked on a passionate sexual adventure. We did all the positions, lying down, sitting up, doggy, lying down on the floor. It was kinky stuff indeed. One night we were having some hot sex and I suggested we film it. She agreed and we done this. The camera was a bit tricky to operate but between us we figured it out perfectly. The end result was a green and grainy film where our eyes looked like moles eyes. Anyway, this tape ended up in other people’s hands which disgusted me, especially when I stopped making money from it and they did. So how do I get this girl back and convince her to be filmed having sex again?

R. Solomon

Dear R.

It is normal for a loving couple to express themselves in this way. I would suggest you forget about this girl, she wasn’t very good in the movie from what I hear. You’re a wealthy cad R, you’ll soon enough find another wealthier and naïve young girl to exploit. Millionaire heiresses are like buses R, you wait for ages for one to come along and two come at once. What I’m saying is; make your next movie a threesome.

Dear Dialling Tone,

I’m a 16 year old girl and recently gave oral sex for the first time. I think my boyfriend ejaculated in my mouth but I’m not sure. I hear from girls at school you can pregnant from this. They said I should drink 3 capfuls of Domestos every day for a week to clean out my system. Is this right?

Sophie

Dear Sophie,

Oh you silly sausage! Discovering sex is a wonderful part of anybody’s life and I’m glad to see your rushing in head first (get it?). Now to clear up your fears, there’s no need to crack out the household bleach this time. You can’t get pregnant from giving oral sex my dear. When you do decide to progress to full sex then remember to use condoms, or do it standing up.

Dear Dialling Tone,

I’m a 13 year old boy and have noticed hair growing where no hair previously was. I’m scared, what is this?

Tim.

Dear Tim,

How the hell am I supposed to know? I’m not a Doctor, you know. Have a look at one of my helpline’s anyway. Oh and remember to get the bill payers permission, kid.

Labels: July 2006

THINGS CAN ONLY GET BETTER

En-ger-lund, En-ger-lund. Or so the old hymn goes. So far En-ger-lund have been a disappointment, results have been there but the performances haven’t. This has to be balanced up with the opposition En-ger-lund have faced. The teams we have played have been poor.

Mediocrity

Paraguay, Trinidad and Tobago, Sweden and Ecuador; all 5 have been average at best. How well can we be expected to play against such teams? Everyone knows En-ger-lund perform better against the strong nations, just think back to how many times over the last 30 years we’ve beat the likes of Brazil, Germany and Argentina. So it’s not En-ger-lunds fault they’ve played poorly, it is the mediocrity of the opposition that has scuppered our natural grace.

Despite the general press negativity the En-ger-lund camp remains in buoyant mood. As do I, despite having to travel 40 miles to Baden-Baden each day after a mix up with flights and accommodation. The boy’s spirit is good, they’ve been trading naked pictures of each other’s partners and 100s of thousands have been won and lost on friendly games of poker.

Divine

Left: Rooney. Right: Jesus

There is also an air of biblical optimism. The 22 disciples of the squad are visibly excited about the second coming of Wayne Rooney (Theo Walcott wet his bed due to the anticipation). In many ways Wayne Rooney and Jesus are comparable figures. Both are from Merseyside, both perform miracles and both were brought down in their prime only to rise again. Wayne has been gradually regaining his powers. I watched him in training, alert, tactile, foul-mouthed, brilliant. Sure, the other En-ger-lund players are not permitted to tackle him (probably to avoid a Judas type incident) but this doesn’t matter. I’m sure opposition teams will be so in awe of Wayne’s talent they won’t tackle him either, who would want to risk injuring someone with such divine talent?

Wayne will soon be back to full fitness and waltzing through defences with as much guile as a plum through putty. So everyone, lay off En-ger-lund. It’s not about the them, it’s about Wayne Rooney and he is about to return and take us all the way.

OTHER SPORTS

What? Seriously? During the World cup? Ok then, eh… Tim Henman lost Wimbledon. Some may exonerate Tim’s early exit due to his opponent being arguably the finest tennis player of all time. Not us. If Tim had shown some true Brit Grit he’d have easily disposed of that Swiss cry baby.

Balancing on one hand in a horizontal position is impressive.
Winning Wimbledon would be more impressive.

Labels: July 2006