A wise philosopher once asked, “what is it good for?” He concluded, “absolutely nothing.” Of course, he was wrong. War is good for many things. It helps restrict population growth, provides numerous economic opportunities and gives young working class men a fleeting sense of purpose and worth. Amongst the fringe benefits of war are the creation of public holidays and Hollywood blockbusters based on battlefield exploits.

This is what war looks like; burny.

If a person dies, we’ll tell you all about it and provide gory pictures of their bullet ridden corpse. These sort of pictures may shock, but we won’t shy away from the reality of war. People are incapable of imagining what a corpse would look like when it’s been shot to bits, so we’ll show you exactly what it’s like in the name of journalistic integrity .

Our frontline coverage will look for the stories behind the stories and ask questions that others would shirk from asking.

The conflict broke out because two countries don’t like each other very much. In time honoured fashion it was deemed best that both countries get ‘in a scrap’ to see who are the ‘dogs’. Israel has the experience and the stamina for long conflict, but it would be foolish to count out the plucky underdog, Hezzbola. Bookmakers quickly established Israel as favourites but as the conflict has continued odds on a Hezzbola victory have been cut dramatically. Best price for Hezzbola is now evens. Some value can still be had in the accumulator market by combining a Hezzbola victory with a US victory in Iraq and discovery of WMDs.

Gertrude, 22, Bognor Regis.

Gertrude was delighted to see one of the two remaining complete Shakespeare First Folios achieve such a high price at recent auction. “I collaborated with Germaine Greer on an article discussing Shakespeare as a writer that transcends the time boundaries that constrain inferior writers, it was smashing”.

BIKINI WATCH AS HEATWAVE GRIPS BRITAIN

The heatwave that has swept the nation like a giant weather brush has meant that young girls have been stripping off. This has brought severe delays to van drivers schedule. Apparently because the road has been melting in the heat. The real reason is of course that van drivers have been dabbling in the nations newest favourite spectator sport: BIKINI WATCHING!!!

BIKINI ALERT!
Blackpool beech, Betsy 81. Shake it grandma. Mmmm yeah.

BIKINI BREAKOUT!
Brighton, 1pm, 19th July. A young mother ‘popped’ out of her bikini. No one told her and all the men looked. It was ten minutes before she realised. Score!!!

BIKINI RUMOUR LATEST!
Unconfirmed reports are filtering into Tangent towers that a group of barely legal schoolgirls have descended on St. Andrews beach. Young posh totty ahoy boys!!!

RELIGION GIVEN CLASS 'A' STATUS

A routine drugs case took a turn for the bizarre in a Glasgow court this week. Brian McTavish was on trial for possession with intent to deal class A drugs. Looking for leniency Mr McTavish told Judge Eastwood that the only thing he was addicted to these days was God.

On hearing McTavish’s testimony Judge Eastwood ruled that religion be re-assessed and classified as a Class A drug. Religion now carries a 5-15 year for possession and a maximum life sentence for supplying. A close friend of Judge Eastwood said the judge was uncharacteristically, ‘stoned out his tree’ when he made the ruling.

The judge grilled McTavish about his religious intentions and practises before ruling that he intended to convert others to religion and sentenced him to life in prison for supply. The Tangent managed to get in a few words with the condemned man before he was whisked away in a Reliance van. “I don’t understand”, he whined, “I used to take from society and now I try to give through religion. Drugs hurt people, religion has never caused any harm. I don’t see why I faced the Spanish Inquisition over my spiritual life.”




The ruling leaves the Pope as the newly recognised largest drug dealer in the world. On hearing of the ruling Pope Benedict is believed to have stocked up on firearms and repeatedly muttered the phrase, “say hello to my little friend”. Former churches have re-opened as rehab clinics to supply a variant of the banned substance to the addicted much like heroin addicts receive methadone. Addicts are worried that if they take all their doses of Deal or No Deal in the one day that they won’t be able to make it through to the following Sunday.

Irvine Welsh is set to write a screenplay about 4 friends (Matthew, Mark, Luke and John) battle with the highly addictive and dangerous drug but no-one cares.

Harvard scientists have discovered that 9 out of 10 men prefer being fondled by escort girls in the genital region to having the same area kicked by the hind legs of a donkey.

Dr Philip Mascootin said the discovery could have untold affects on the American way of life, “We could be looking at a situation where more men pay for prostitutes to touch them instead of being kicked in the groin by donkeys”

President Bush was quick to appease fears that there weren’t enough prostitutes to go round but was quick to deny that the occupation of Iraq was purely to control the Iraqi sex trade for American benefit.

More court room drama took place in Glasgow this week at the trial of Bravis Tickle who was found not guilty of animal cruelty due to an intoxication of Rowntrees Fruit Pastilles. Mr Tickle kicked a stranger’s dog to death on the 12th August at 2.30pm in Kelvingrove Park. The horrific incident was witnessed by over a dozen children from a near by climbing frame.


Roger: in happier and more alive times.

The defence claimed Mr Tickle had acted totally out of character and was not in control of his actions due to a Fruit Pastilles binge raising his sugar level to ‘plum fairy’ level. Defence Lawyer, Mitchell Sutherland, claimed, “My client has never acted in this manner before. He is a lover of animals, normally, and once looked after a hamster called Scratcher. On the day the incident happened my client had lost a considerable amount of money betting on Greyhound Racing. He drowned his sorrows by purchasing and then eating all the Fruit Pastilles his local convenience store had in stock."

Mr Sutherland went on to explain that a combination of sugar induced haze and the mistaken identity of the slain puppy for a greyhound led Mr Tickle to attack Roger (under 7 in dog years).
On providing stool samples and expert medical analysis and a sniff test by Gillian McKeith it was proven Mr Tickle consumed somewhere between 2002 and 2004 Fruit Pastilles, the equivalent of a lorry of sugar. Doctors said that a man fuelled by this much sugar and artificial colourings would have no control over his actions. The presiding judge said he could not justify sentencing Mr Tickle to jail time in light of his good record and sugar induced rage.

A statement by Fruit Pastilles claimed that Fruit Pastilles can be part of a balanced, healthy, nutritious and fun diet and that this isolated incident pales compared to the decades on non Fruit Pastille related violent crimes. The RSPCA reacted angrily to the ruling and demanded that the effects of Fruit Pastilles binging be highlighted though a government media campaign. The organisation also plan to campaign the Government to introduce cigarette packet style warnings on Fruit Pastille packaging.



Ban this filth.
Campaign for Roger's law.

HOLLYWOOD WAGON FALL OFF 1

After years of making successful and dull Hollywood blockbusters, Mel Gibson has reverted back to his battle with booze. Arrested for drink driving this week he spouted some anti-Semitic bile that was left out of The Passion of the Christ.

Mel referred to the arresting officer as a ’hangover from Hitler’ and said if he had his way he’d ‘holocaust him good’ Mel has since made two grovelling apologies and insisted that he is not an anti-Semite. “It wasn’t my fault, I was drunk.”, he said.



Mel’s career may be in jeopardy over this drunken outburst. Disney have said they would have to review their plans to allow Mel to direct a children’s movie about the adventures of the Hitler Youth.

HOLLYWOOD WAGON FALL OFF 2

Anything Mel can do Robin Williams thinks he can do better… Mel does culty in Mad Max, Williams tries it in Good Morning Vietnam, Mel does heartfelt emotional pieces like Braveheart Williams tries it in Mrs Doubtfire, Mel does touching romcom in What Women Think, Williams tries it in Awakenings. Williams is always in the shadow of Mel and in the falling off the wagon stakes the trend continues.



Williams voluntarily went into rehab before he got arrested for anything. It is also believed he didn’t insult a single Jew in the making of his alcoholism. Tut tut Robin, must try better.

Shocking news regarding the former England Captain David Beckham this week. Becks found himself a surprise omission from a role he has considered his own for the past decade.

Becks was stunned to find himself dropped from the latest Gillette advertising campaign. Becks said, “Obviously this is a big blow, obviously. But I’ve obviously got to take it on the chin and try and win back my place, obviously.”

It was widely expected with a new era of endorsements on the horizon that there would be big changes in the way we’re sold products but slaying such a famous face has taken even the most experienced advertising analysts by surprise.

A Gillette spokesman refuted the allegation that Beckham was being made an example of as a figurehead of the old guard. Steve McFarlane of Gillette said, “Becks has been a mainstay of the Gillette advertising squad for a long time now and he has excelled in his position however we feel it is time for a change and when there is fresh blood waiting to come through, why not give it a chance?”

It is unclear who of the current batch of England stars can truly fills Becks razor drawer. David remains optimistic about his chances of a recall to the product range but it seems unlikely that he will add to his endorsements. With the passing of a great advertising figure you realise how much of an impact they have made on your buying habits, so David we salute your efforts.