Friday, 1 September 2006

POPE IN CALL TO ARMS MESSAGE TO TRUE CHRISTIANS

Christianity fought back in style to the threat posed to our everyday lives by Islam this month. Pope Benedict made his most resounding speech since taking over from John Paul as Catholic king. Benedict told a zealous Catholic following that, “If Islam wants a fight it’s got one. No-one messes with the RC faithful. Mohammed is a twat; some bloke from the 14th century said so, so it must be true.” (very rough translation, our reporter was listening to his Ipod at the same time as he wasn’t expecting anything interesting to happen).

So far Benedict has been a bit of a disappointment. The people were promised a right wing Pope who hates homosexuals and disapproves of contraception but critics’ worst fears were confirmed when it was revealed that Benedict only reached the rank of Best Boy in the Hitler youth and was discharged for poor performance in the ‘bring a Jew to mein summer kamp kontest’. More recently, only 10,000 gays have been slaughtered as a direct consequence of Benedict’s reign and there was the magnanimous jet pack flight he took dropping condoms over Africa. The anti-Islamic comments made by Benedict this month sees a true return to form.
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Benedict in full flight over Africa

EU commission President Jose Manuel Durao Barroso leapt to the Pope’s defence saying “The problem is not the comments of the Pope but the reaction of the extremists”. Dan Brown tried to use a similar argument in light of Barroso’s comments but was largely ignored because his books are rubbish.

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Labels: September 2006

BICKERING OVERSHADOWS LABOUR PARTY CONFERENCE

Tony Blair’s final party conference as Labour overlord was overshadowed by the mother of all bitch fests between Tony, Gordon Brown and Cherie Blair. It wasn’t really, of course. But it makes a far more interesting story than timing how much ovation one set of rusty old platitudes got compared to another.

The problems started when Cherie was reportedly overheard by a reporter saying Gordon looks like a tax credit botching gnome. In reply Gordon said he was glad Tony pulled that ‘old hag’ back in their college days and not him. On learning of this attack on his spouse Tony is reported to have allegedly said, “oh it’s on you, dumpy bastard”. Gordon reportedly and allegedly reacted to this remark by rolling up his sleeves and saying, “If Anthony wants a square go he knows where to get it”.

"I'm going to pulp his face with these guns".
A relaxed Tony laughs off Gordon's threats.

OUT OF CONTROL, ALLEGEDELY

Allegedly, on hearing how her alleged remark had been reported Cherie panicked that Tony would get such a pasting from the burly Scots bloke that his face would look as ugly as Gordon's. She tried to laugh off her comment as a reported being mischievous.

However, her father Tony Booth - quite obviously enjoying the party conference vino (allegedly)– allegedly told Cherie she was a lying ‘bitch’ and that she’d always hated the ‘Pict’. When Brown found out about these allegations he is alleged to have said, “fucking great - I get to do in two Tony’s in one day”.

Fuelling the disharmony Tony Booth is reportedly alleged to have allegedly reported to a reporter, allegedly that he had no problem with Scots. “I had a Scotch gardener for a few years until he died after a porridge and whisky binge. It was very sad.”

The entertainment continued until someone allegedly made a remark about someone's mum and all four participants reached a stalemate by each getting trapped by another in a headlock.
Allegedly, it has been reported, some speeches also took place over the conference. With Tony singing Sinatra’s My Way on Karaoke to a 2 second ovation.

Tony's rendition of My Way

And now, the end is near;
It’s time to hand over to a grumpy looking Scotsman
I’ll sheepishly depart,
Hoping there’s no mention of 45 minute warnings.

I’ve lived a premiership that’s full.
I’ve travelled Britain’s congested motorways.
And more much more than this,
I did it like a Tory.

Regrets, I’ve had a few;
But I always had a Mandelson lurking
I did what I wanted to do,
And gave my disgraced friends new jobs when no-one was looking.

I planned each chartered course;
And overlooked chartered train journeys.
But more much more than this,
I did it like a Tory.

Yes, there were times, I’m sure you knew
When I looked like a complete and utter tool.
But through it I grinned at doubt,
I stuttered until it was forgot about.
I shirked it all and look appalled
And did it like a Tory.

I’ve loved, I’ve laughed and lied.
I’ve had my fill of my sons public boozing.
And to think I got voted in three times,
I find it all so amusing.

To think I spun Iraq;
Kelly, Irish peace and not in a productive way,
No, oh no not me,
I did it like a Tory.

For what is a PM, what has he got?
If not a footnote in history then he has naught.
To fake the things he wants to feel,
And give nothing but transparent spiels -
The record shows I wasn’t that good,
But I’ve got Peter on the case,
Fiddling the history books.

Labels: September 2006

WHAT THE PRETTY GIRL THINKS

Elspeth, 18, Bournemouth (the nice part, like)

Elspeth believes strongly that women should not undergo plastic surgery. “I’m staunchly against it. It saddens me immensely that young girls see these unattainable figures litter media types everywhere and feel the pressure to compete with an image of a women on a page. Plastic surgery is degrading, by going for surgery you are basically parading yourself in front of the world to be judged as a purely sexual object

HUNTLEY IN NEW EVIL SUICIDE BID

Evil Ian Huntley tried to commit suicide this month, failing because he’s a big evil loser face. Reports are sketchy due to the high profile nature of the vile evilman concerned and the sensitive nature of his crimes but it is believed that Huntley tried to kill himself by holding his evil breath. The prison service has closed ranks on the story in an attempt to defect liability. It is an outrage that this man can try and commit suicide at the taxpayer’s expense. He should be kept in prison and fed comfortably and well looked after so that he lives a long life in incarceration suffering for the crimes he committed.

The Tangent realises this is a stark contrast from our initial proposals for Huntley when ‘Huntamania’ first broke out in 2003. We devised a prototype catapult to launch Huntley into the sun. We wanted blood, we wanted him dead, but now that he’s tried to kill himself we want him kept alive. We don’t have to explain this conflict or refute allegations of hypocrisy because we also know that the average tabloid reader can’t remember the past three lines they’ve read, besides the catapult was only capable of launching kittens into France (great for lunch time japes but not really great for blood thirsty retribution).

An insider at Wakefield prison spoke to The Tangent in confidence defending his colleagues saying that they had taken all necessary precautions. Clive Rogers, 46, from SW19 said, “He’s watched round the clock, but if a man’s determined to die there’s only so much we can do. Do you expect us to stagger lunch breaks?” The secret informant also revealed to us that Huntley’s evil shoelaces had been removed from his evil shoes and his evil belt was removed leaving his evil trousers falling about his evil ankles.

Labels: September 2006

PC NUTS AND BANANAS

PC has gone well and truly bananas, or at least it would be bananas if the PC brigade hadn’t won the court case to have bananas straightened to prevent the friendly, jovial phrase ‘bent as a banana’.
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A banana. Full of potassium, don'cha know?

INFRINGEMENT
CIVIL LIBERTY
OURS!!!!!!

The latest infringement on our civil liberties is the burka style inter faith gown being piloted by the NHS in The Royal Preston Hospital. It’s the NHS, the N means National (the rest means something too, Hospital Shop possibly) it’s national to this country so why should our patients have to go into hospital and be disorientated and confused when faced with someone dressed as if they are a health professional from another continent?

The traditional British nurses uniform is as big a part of British medicine as urine smelling wards and lecherous doctors. It has been immortalised in Carry on Films and Ann Summers outfits. How anyone can find it offensive is beyond us. It remains very similar to the uniform such luminary nurses like Florence Nightingale would have worn.

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Tradiotional nursing clobber.

Dave Scrapwell, 18 was interviewed after dealing with a nurse dressed in the new burka style attire while he was being treated for a boxer’s fracture, “I doesn’t like it, you know? Is bad nuff, innit, that ye don’t make a word the ummigrunts talk never mind no being able to look them properly”.

BETRAYED

From Dave’s statement it is clear he feels betrayed, alienated and confused by his leaders and country by this decision. Does anyone care about our PC? Everyone seems concerned with tip-toeing over free range egg shells for fear of offending every little minority. What about the majority? We didn’t lose a war!

Exactly how many Asian people are employed in the NHS? It’s not as if we depend on them, so why are we bending over backwards to provide them with clothes that they are more comfortable working in? If they’re not comfortable working in our clothes maybe they should work elsewhere, eh?

FINAL SOLUTION

The Tangent has come up with the ideal solution, artist and fashion designer Kathryn Ciboroc worked round the clock to present us with a compromise. She was deprived of sleep so long all she had to say of her creation was ‘Godzilla’ The modified attire combines traditional Asian dress with traditional Christian values and is a solution that everyone can be happy with.

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Before and After, the faith gown Christianfied.

Labels: September 2006

STUDY REVEALS: YOUR BANTER IS PISH

A two year study carried out on you by us has concluded that your banter is pish. The study, carried out by Glasgow’s prestigious Caledonian University, also goes on to point out deficiencies in almost every aspect of your conversation skills – be they inter-gender or otherwise. When we tried out your banter on members of the oposite sex responses varied from fits of laughter to such retorts as, "you're lucky I'd sleep with anyone who has their own car and doesn't live with their mum, or you'd have nae chance".

NO COMMENT

Although you have declined to comment on the study it is widely agreed by experts that the news will not be well received by you and is likely to further damage your ego. One scientist who asked not to be named said: “This news will not be well received and is likely to cause severe ego damage. Like the kind Hugh Grant suffered when he got caught shagging that hooker putting a stop to his shagging of Liz Hurley.”

Two related studies have been commissioned on the strength of the results found in this study: ‘Is Your Haircut Just a Bit Dated’ and ‘Have You Gained Weight’ The scientists behind the study say they expect the results to be 'yes'.

Labels: September 2006

PEOPLE LIKE NICE THINGS

The most comprehensive survey of its kind, conducted by Tangent Unit for Researching Demographics (TURD) has revealed that people like nice things.

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A staggering amount of people polled (87%) said that they liked nice things. When questioned further on what sort of nice things they liked the most popular nice things were cars (30%), Holidays (22%), pretty clothes (14%), DVDs (10%) and Novelty socks (5%). Top of the list of non-nice things were cakes and pastries made from faeces, Westlife Paraphernalia, Islamic terrorism and cancer. The survey also revealed that people liked ‘good things’ and ‘pretty things’.
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This pie chart doesn’t relate to the study but in Pierce Morgan style we believe it represents what happens when you do some research and create a pie chart to provide a funky looking visual representation of the data.

A spokesman for industry watchdog ‘Nice Things Equal Happiness’ said, “We always knew that people would appreciate nice things instead of bad things. Sometimes the simplest business ideas are the best.”

TURD FINDINGS

Manufacturers of nice things are delighted at the trend and are in jubilant spirits despite analyst warnings that the bubble may burst leading to a backlash against nice things. Production of nice things has been stepped up in light of the TURD findings as manufacturers have collectively vowed to provide nice things for the population as confidence soars that people will always buy nice things allowing the makers of nice things to buy nicer things for themselves.

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Nice things. From right to left: cake, crabs flowers.

Labels: September 2006

STEVE IRWIN 1962-2006

Showbiz marks the passing of one of its most entertaining sons this month. Aussie nutjob Steve Irwin was killed earlier in the month by a giant stingray that would dwarf Moby Dick. Rumour abounds about Steve’s demise; some reports suggest he removed the barbed tail from his heart in a final act of bravery. The Tangent has discovered this is only partly true, Steve did do this and then proceeded to shove the tail up the stingray’s arse before picking the thing up and launching it into the stratosphere screaming his final words at his foe, “You think you can take down Irwin, you lousy cunting stingray?. Nothing the animal kingdom has produced can take down Irwin” he then keeled over and died.

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"Croc, I choose you" Unluckily for Steve the Stingray chose it's fatal attack.

Fans of the crocodile hunter can take comfort in knowing that Steve died doing what he loved; pissing off dangerous animals for TV. Anyone who has poked a jelly fish will know the sheer pleasure that can be had with animal cruelty. Anyone who has got a friend to film themselves poking a jellyfish is a wannabe happy slapper Irwin and knows more than most the sort of joy that peppered Steve’s work.

Plans are ongoing for a lasting tribute. Don King is working tirelessly to compile a TV extravaganza, featuring all Steve’s best moments and uneasy, awkward interviews with the bereaved family. King says, “This will be undoubtedly, the biggest best TV extravaganza known in the long long history of man, until my next one”. Plans are also afoot to raise a huge statue of Steve in his home town using recycled materials from the toppled Saddam Hussein statue.

MAN WHO DRIVES FAST CARS FOR LIVING IN FAST CAR ACCIDENT SHOCKER!

Top Gear presenter Richard Hammond was involved in a high speed accident this week while filming for TVs podium placed car show. The loveable goofy midget was raced to hospital where a highly trained medical pit-team worked tirelessly without refuelling to stabilise his condition. One hospital insider (the voluntary cafeteria worker) described the presenter’s stability as “Rover-esque”.
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Thankfully for Richard this accident doesn’t seem to have put the brakes on his career. He is rumoured to be in pole position for a number of exciting new TV projects like the revival of Wheel of Fortune. So while things may seem like a drag right now for Richard things haven’t completely crashed round about him. Our thoughts are with Richard and his family in wishing him a speedy journey to the chequered flag of recovery.

Labels: September 2006

DEAR DIALLING TONE the UK's #1 automated agony Aunt.

Dear Dialling Tone,

I’ve been seeing a girl who works in the S+M industry. At first I thought her work and social life would be separate entities but recently she has been suggesting weirder and weirder bedroom activities. I’ve played along with them mostly; I’m prepared to take one in the rear in the name of getting some. But I’m a little dubious about a recurring request for me to use a knife on her intimate feminine area. The feminine area is a confusion piece of apparatus but I’m pretty sure it doesn’t mix well with sharp objects. What should I do?

Jammy Situation.

Dear Jammy,

A good rule of thumb when deciding on kinky activities is, “can I explain this in a court of law and get off innocent”? Now if something happens while you are using this knife on her do you think you can explain the 45 stab wounds in her groin as being consented to? You’d need to be OJ or MJ to make that one work.

Maybe you should just find someone less mental?

In shed. Shed on fire. Balls stuck in vice. Rusty knife to hand.

What to do?

Worried Horticulturist.

Oh…

I really should start checking my emails more often…

Call the fire brigade. They run a tight ship.

And probably won’t laugh at you.

Labels: September 2006

MANCHESTER UNITED IN HUGE SPONSERSHIP DRIVE

Manchester United have tied up the worlds biggest sponsorship deal this month by agreeing to change the name of Old Trafford and the rename of all the stands.

Loads of cash

The undisclosed fee is rumoured to be somewhere between 50p and £100 billion million. The official announcement to the stock market referred to the figure as “loads of money” but no share holders were available to comment as they were all aboard a gold encrusted plane, fuelled by Caviar bound for Antigua. Alex Ferguson (Sir huffs a lot) was available for comment but refused to be drawn on figures.

“The 76,000 fans who fill this stadium every couple of weeks are accustomed to success. This money will help us add to our 8 Premiership titles, 11 FA Cups and 2 European cups. Much of this success has happened during my 20 years and 67 day reign of this 128 year old club. It will please the 50 million supporters we have wordwide and allow me to add to the 324 players I've bought who will help us add to the 1200 games we've won. But as for figures, I’m not going to be drawn on them.” We told you he wouldn’t be drawn on figures.

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Sir chewsalot wouldn't be drawn on figures.

Disputes

There has been some criticism of the move amongst Manchester United supporters clubs. The most vocal being Deadbeats Dad for Justice Manchester United Supporters club. Leader of the group Malcolm Wylie dressed up as Catwomen before attempting to scale the stadium. He was shot down by an armed police response unit who justified the killing as being necessary due to Wylies’s, “disturbing appearance”.

Wylie's group feel that the club are selling out their heritage and being insensitive to the clubs history. Fans are especially irate about the renaming of the Theatre of dreams to Larry’s Jumbo Bed Shack and the sponsorship of one of the stands by a German Airline company.
A spokesman responded to fans concerns by saying, “When will you lot learn? We don’t listen to you.”

Labels: September 2006