The Tangent Newspaper

Sunday, 1 October 2006

NUKE KID ON THE BLOCK

Hello!

North Korean leader Kim Jong-Il reportedly dropped a nuke this month. Leaders of the Free World ™ were generally annoyed about this development. Team Captain George Bush Junior said, “This proves once and for all that North Korea and Northern Koreans have no Seoul.” before laughing so hard at his own joke that he urinated himself. Vice Captain Tony Blair remained less wet and stenchy but was also less upbeat, “We don’t need this right now. Not one bit. Why are there so many stern tests during my leadership? I’m tired of being found wanting."

North Korean officials deny that any nuclear activity on their part represents a threat to global security and is just part of an elaborate and thorough pesticide programme. A video has been released by the North Korean government featuring a nervous and gaunt looking Alan Titchmarsh providing expert explanation supporting the Korean government’s horticultural claims.

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Alan: as he would like to be remembered.

To avoid any state bordering on interest or concern the British government have recommended that the public continue to view Kim Jong-Il in a comic caricature nature; an insecure Cognac sipping slightly loopy Elvis fanatic.

To further ease any concerns members of the public may have over Il’s power the government revealed new highly detailed intelligence regarding Kim Jong-Il’s character. Amongst the most important facts were that the little freakin’ despot likes to wear women’s underwear, can quote the Rocky Horror Picture Show word for word and eats through his ears.

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Labels: October 2006

WHAT THE PRETTY GIRL THINKS

Dierdrie, 23, Skegness.

I don’t understand what all the furore is over Madonna and the child she brought back from Africa. She can give the child a better life. And money. People are only attacking her because she is famous. If you or me go out and get a little black number no-one bats an eyelid, if a famous person does it it’s a big story.

Hypocrisy disgusts me.

MAN IN FRIVOLOUS NONSENSE WORTHY OF TABLOID PAGE 3 STORY

A Swansea man was caught in the act of nonsense this week. Shame faced Eliot Chambers was seen committing the nonsense in broad day light while in a local Supermarket. It is believed he had been up to nonsense for some time before store security intervened in the nonsense making. Mr Chamber’s apologised unreservedly for his actions of nonsense saying, “it was all just a bit of nonsense gone to far.”

Labels: October 2006

GAY BRITAIN

A new Government scheme aims to convert straight school children into homosexuals. The campaign called ‘Tolerance for All” has been aimed at 5 to 12 year old in Scottish and English schools.

Parents are sure to be outraged as we reveal the full details of this gay crusade that is rampaging through British schools. Especially when they find out that they are the ones paying for their children to be converted into gays. The total cost to the taxpayer of the scheme is £600.32.

Brian Michael, an unemployed father of four, couldn’t contain his anger when we informed him of the scheme outside his sons school. “I don’t want no son of mine to grow up shirt lifting. He should love women, like I loved his mum. Before she left me for punching her in the face.” Mr Michael then expressed his anger by kicking in a panel on a bus shelter. The cheque’s in the post, Sir.

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More bus shelters could end up like this
if the government continues it's gay crusade.

A spokesman for the campaign claims that the scheme is aimed at inclusion and tolerance. “We want to teach children that homosexuals are the same as heterosexuals. And shouldn’t be treated any differently.” Of course homosexuals are not the same as heterosexuals; they touch each other’s bums.

OFFICIAL SILENCE

No government official would comment on the issue despite our rigorous pursuit of answers on the subject. On some occasions we even let the phone ring twice before giving up. This silence only adds to the suspicion that many Britons hold that the government is trying to turn the population gay for some menacing sinister purpose. Some experts in some field or other point to an effort to boost sales of Steps albums. Other more apocalyptic commentators suggest the government is trying to create an army of gay super soldiers. Of course, this suggestion can be ruled out because gay people can’t fight They can’t even throw.

Whatever the motives, the one thing that is clear in all this is that the country is turning gay. TURD (Tangent Unit for Researching Demographics) investigations suggest that at the current rate of conversion Britain could be entirely gay by 3.46pm 23rd August 2012.

We spoke to a child after undergoing the brainwashing at his local school. He told us he didn’t feel any different after the lesson but eventually cracked under scrutiny from a team of The Tangent’s top investigative journalists and admitted that he felt, “a little queer” Our journalist then told him he looked like a little queer and took him hunting to straighten him out.

FOREIGN GAYS

The long term effects of this scheme could see Britain become a paradise for gays the world over. Resulting in foreign gays emigrating here and taking either British gays or, even worse, British straights jobs.

Late last night a report reached Tangent Towers that a number of asylum seeking gays were planning to enter the country via the Channel Tunnel. It seems the report was a false alarms as Britain’s gaydar was unaffected. Plans are now afoot to hang Garlic on around the tunnel, to scare away the gay vampires and beam episodes of Will and Grace into the sky to distract the non-vampiric gays.

Labels: October 2006

IN 228 COUNTRIES By Myspace

You are reading the paper they tried to ban. Erm tried and succeeded. This month your favourite tabloid newspaper was pulled from myspace in a dawn raid. Thankfully there were no casualties on either side. But this is largely down to the actions of our people who coped calmly when faced with the somewhat severe myspace ‘hitmen”.

The loss has rocked cyberspace and some of The Tangent’s celebrity friends have been quick to voice their disapproval concerning the ban. Beyonce was ‘shocked’. Bono was ‘a bit bloody upset, to be honest”. Even Jesus spoke up on the ban saying that, “I didn’t return to earth for this sort of shit.” Fears abound for emo Barry Chuckle who hasn’t logged in since the ban and is missing presumed in a metaphorical pit of emo despair.

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Fears grow for emo Barry.

TANGENT RESPONSE

...has been a bit lame, really. We thought about opening up another account, starting an online petition, spamming the forum boards with lyrics from Abba hits, killing a small animal and mailing it to Tom. But in the end we felt the best response was a non reactionary one. We do not indulge in petty battles due to our upstanding morality and wisdom and above all, laziness.

Plus you’d have to be mad to take on Rupert Murdoch. He controls huge sections of the world media. We are not big enough to take on a figure of his stature. We’re not Billy Bragg. We’re just a small independent newspaper. Our lawyers live in boxes and eat discarded pizza crusts. Murdoch’s lawyers probably live in luxury eating soup with steak pie on top.

Like any newspaper, The Tangent hopes to survive just long enough until Rupert Murdoch buys us out rather than risk any competition, making us all filthy rich. Mr Murdoch, we salute you.

A SPOKESMAN SPEAKS

A myspace official clarified the website’s decision by saying the material was inappropriate for their website, “Myspace is a place of social interaction, for bands to promote themselves in a very financially economical fashion, somewhere to meet new friends and a convenient way for sexual predators to stalk children. It is not designed for news delivery.”

CELEBRITY TESTIMONY SUPPORTING THE TANGENT

Beyonce Knowles:
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In the morning I like to get up and have a giant dump while reading balance sheets of my perfume range, clothes range, branded bananas and office stationary products before I sit down at breakfast with a glass of fresh orange juice, squeezed between the faces of virginal children, and six helpings of black pudding and browse The Tangent.

Bono:
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It angers me immensely in my social conscience pit to see the free press repressed. It’s up to us to change the world here people. I sense a benefit concert coming on.

Jesus:
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Obviously I can’t make as much happen as Bono but I’d like to lend my support for The Tangent regardless. Anyone for fish?

Labels: October 2006

Macca under Attacka

Shocking revelations this month shockingly revealed that Heather Mills would attack Sir Paul McCartney during their turbulent marriage.

Tabloid reports claimed that Mills would often give the ex Beatle and ahem… Wing ‘Chinese burns’ and ‘chocolate noddies’. A close friend of the former couple suggested the story has been blown out of proportion by sections of the media that seem to have a crusade on to vilify Heather, “Heather would sometimes catch him humming Mull of Kintyre and to make him stop she would give him a whack. Most of us would do the same if we had the opportunity.”

Domestic violence is never funny. Just because the victim is a man doesn’t make it any less unacceptable. But it is a little bit funny when Paul McCartney is the victim. So go on, have a good old guilty laugh.

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Your print out, cut out and wear "give macca a smacka mask.

Kerry Katona Loses Kids

Incident abounded at a Gala Bingo hall this month as guest number reader Kerry Katona couldn’t find her children for five minutes in-between bingo rounds. Tragedy was averted when an announcement was made over the tannoy system for the children to rendezvous in the foyer area with their mother.

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The brave spawn of Katona were capable of finding their way there , which is more than can be said for Kerry who had to be guided by rocks of cocaine laid out in a trail directing her to the foyer. Allegedly.

Iceland were quick to support Kerry after this latest faux pas of hers, “We fully support Kerry and will continue to employ her throughout her troubles as it projects a caring persona of the company. Besides she is the best check-out girl in the whole of Merseyside, so she’ll always have a job here.”

Labels: October 2006

Dear Dialling Tone,

My problem is not of a sexual nature, nor is it a problem relating to the relationship between a man and a women or , my problem is this: there are people in African countries who are dying every day simply out of not having enough money to live. In this world of plenty we stand by and let a child die every 3 seconds when we could give them money and make a child die, I don’t know, say every 5 seconds. There won’t be snow in Africa this Christmas, that’s my problem. What do you suggest?

Anon

Dear Anon,

This is not my usual area of expertise. But I reckon I’m qualified to save the world, hell if 80s musicians are then anyone can be. As the problem is purely meteorological we can just wait until global warming delivers snow to Africa. And that will solve all their problems, no?

If you insist on taking action yourself, to speed up the process, I suggest you buy a lot of cows. Other avenues that could be explored are singing a song. A dull one. Think ’plodding’, ’sanctimonious’ and ’drivel’, it almost writes itself.

I am also fairly sure that being less of a preaching twat would help. I don’t quite understand how, it’s just my gut instinct. Even if it doesn’t help it means you’re less of a preaching twat.

Dear Dialling Tone,

I’m the drummer in a successful stadium filling Irish pop rock combo but feel I don’t get the recognition I deserve due to our frontman’s social activities. Should I kill him or just take comfort in the millions and millions we make?

Larry Mullen Jr.

Dear Jr,

you’re the drummer in a successful stadium filling Irish pop combo, recognition isn’t meant for people like you.

Labels: October 2006

HOOLIGANS

Ugly scenes returned to British football terraces this week as a game between Accrington Stanley and Boston United saw running battles between set of supporters on the stands.

The scenes were reminiscent of the bad old days of British hooliganism which were rife during the 80s and made up the entertainment that the poor quality football on display at the time failed to deliver.

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This is what hooligans look like.

This modern example of hooliganism was on a scale that would shock it’s 80s counterparts. People started to stand up at corner kicks to gain a better view of the action. This led to what police dramatically described as ‘minor skirmishes’. One officer, who only had one day left to retirement was caught up in the violence. He was ‘severely bumped into’, thankfully the officer is in a stable condition and is recovering at home.

DEATH TOLL

Reports are still sketchy at the moment in the aftermath of the violence but one expert in a ‘swedging’ said that he expects the death toll to hover precariously around the 0 mark.

Perhaps most worryingly of all is the amount of supporters The Tangent interviewed after the match who claimed that these sorts of scenes were ‘normal’.

Revelation in the violence even seeped into the police force. One officer said that this was why he joined the force, “yesterday I was filing speeding fines and today I was telling a man to stay seated”.

DIRTY HARRY

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Scots boxing shame-sation, Scott Harrison was spotted partying in a brothel in Spain this month. It is believed while there Scott enjoyed the company of ‘ladies of negotiable affection' and paid to get into a different sort of ring. It is also believed that Scott was drunk during his Spanish break. One source said, “he was half cut”

It is a national tragedy that Scott can not act in a manner befitting the noble behaviour expected from a man who punches people in the face for a living.

Labels: October 2006