SADDAM TO HANG: IRAQ SITUATION EXPECTED TO BE RESOLVED INSTANTLY

The war on terror reached an important milestone this month with the verdict that Saddam Hussein shall be hung until he can’t terror no more.

"cack hat"

It is not quite clear when justice will hang from a rope due to Saddam’s plans to appeal. A source close to the former dictator (the 3 of clubs, who now works with Microsoft as a reward for compliance) said Saddam is going to plead that ‘good behaviour’ be taken into consideration as since 1988 he hasn’t ordered any acts of mass genocide against Kurds.

JUBILATION

The Iraqi people greeted the verdict with scenes of jubilation. Baghdad was a chorus of bullets being fired skyward, which is a total contrast to the normal bullet free nature of the city. Plans are already underway for the big day. Stella McCartney is going to design Saddam’s suit, Ikea are supplying the latest in ‘cost effective yet stylish’ gallows furniture, and REM are rumoured to be performing at the hanging.

The stars will be in attendance. And Stella McCartney.

EAST AND WEST
COMPROMISE

The verdict has also seen encouraging levels of compromise between East and West. The hanging is an act of justice for the people who lived under Saddam’s reign. But it was America who snared Saddam so as a compromise Saddam’s hanging shall be used as an interactive game of ‘hangman’ and be beamed in all American schools courtesy of Channel One. Some educational experts have criticised the idea as having ‘limited educational benefit’ as it can only be implemented once.

P _ N B R_ _ D

Labels: November 2006

GOAT CONVICTED OF HUMANALITY

A goat has been found guilty of committing ‘acts of a sexual nature’ against a farmer. The goat, who can’t be named for legal reasons (he is only a kid - wahaha), was unrepentant at the trial and showed his disregard for the British justice system by defecating while in the suspect box.


An artist's sketch of the court proceedings.

The incident happened last winter when the farmer, Mr Gruff was out on the farm feeding his livestock. Mr Gruff attempted to exit the field by climbing over a fence but got himself tangled up in the wire. The sight of a helpless human, dangling over a fence with posterior in the air was to much of a temptation for the sick, deranged goat to resist and he proceeded to, “get jiggy with his master”, ignoring his screams of protest.

The court heard how Mr Gruff believed he was sodomised over a dozen times by the goat but can’t be sure as he lost consciousness several times during the ordeal. These disturbing details were met with a sharp intake of air and muffled giggles in the court room.

ALTERED FOREVER

The prosecution also detailed the harrowing recovery process that Mr Gruff has been struggling through, “Mr Gruff’s career is in tatters due to this beast before you in the suspect box. He has a fear of animals now. Obviously as a farmer this is a bit of a problem. Mr Gruff is seeking therapy and has tried hypnosis but it is a slow route to recovery.” Friends and family also gave testimony of Mr Gruff’s behaviour since the ordeal, “He used to be up before the cockerel working the farm. He had a great relationship with the animals. Not in a Doctor Doolittle sense, more in a sense of fatten them and sell them to slaughter, but the animals and Mr Gruff had a mutual respect. Until this happened. You sometimes see him standing in the fields with shoulders drooped and head hung low. He is a wreck of a man.”

Gruff love.

Mr Gruff was questioned about this fear of the animals and said, “I look at them and they look back, and they don’t say anything—being animals and all, but I know they’re laughing at me. If a farmer loses the respect of his animals he has lost everything.”

It is expected that the goat’s legal team will argue that the incident didn’t constitute rape as the goat wore a condom.

Labels: November 2006

NEW AIRPORT SECURITY MEASURES TO BE IMPLEMENTED

Increased security measures will appear in all UK airports from the 1st of December to maintain security during the festive period’s increased travel volumes.

When passing through the boarding gate passengers with facial hair will be expected to declare an approximation of their ‘facial hair depth’ to security staff. If security staff suspect the passenger are withholding information regarding the matter they will measure the passengers beard. If the depth of the beard is greater than 5mm it is deemed ‘to Arabic to fly’ and may be confiscated, shaved off or dealt with by controlled explosion before the passenger can proceed.

Above, the stages of beard alert. 1st picture - Situation Normal. 2nd picture - Code yellow:pre-pubescent stubble but monitor closely. 3rd picture - Code red: tell family you love them. 4th picture - Code blue: attack imminent.

Airport chiefs have responded to criticism from some liberal, namby pamby, wussy pussy, silly willy quarters who claim the move represents an infringement on civil liberties. “In this day and age and climate of terrorist paranoia it is important that we react in a completely petty and ineffectual manner. If these measures save one life then they will have been worthwhile. If they save two lives then they will have been super worthwhile. I’m sure we can all agree on that. In the very least these measures will reduce your chances of having to sit next to someone with twatty facial hair on a flight.” said Brian, chief milkshake maker in Glasgow Airport’s Burger King.

Gillette has also showed their supports for the new regulations and have launched a new grooming range called Freedom Force with the tagline ‘protecting the world one stroke at a time’

Labels: November 2006

TESCO TO BULLDOZE HOSPITALS - LOW PRICES PROMISED

Tesco have revealed plans to bulldoze 16 UK hospitals over the next decade to build a number (possibly 16) of new super duper stores. The plans have come under criticism from members of the Free Peter Sutcliffe pressure group and United Cannibal Force as immoral. A Tesco executive defended the move. Sort of. In a way. “With our never ending commitment to supply low quality produce from non local sources this sort of expansion was inevitable. Inevitable like the gruesome, excruciating death you will suffer for eating too much high cholesterol Buy One Get One Free cheese.”

When asked if he personally felt responsible for the closure of so many hospitals and the impact that could have on thousands of people the executive was unrepentant, “That’s business baby. We live in a capitalist society which means almost nothing is a crime as long as you have the profit growth prediction to back it up. If the services we offer are more popular than others then we will eventually crush… I mean take over their premises. If hospitals really want to compete with us they should diversify their product range”

The Tesco executive’s point is a valid one in many ways. The Tesco brand began in 1924 specialising in groceries and now stocks everything from TV’s to clothes to mortgages and cheap reliable third world children. The NHS started in 1948 and provides basically the same services nowadays as it did back then. Customers get bored if they aren’t being shown new products. A new piece of equipment doesn’t really have the same appeal as being able to get everything you need in one convenient air conditioned, strip lit warehouse. If the NHS could start offering face transplants while you wait for heart surgery or provide competitive credit cards or even sell stamps then it may find itself able to fend off competitors from other sectors.

Despite this glaringly obvious logic some groups still feel the need to get upset. Their argument being that replacing places where sick people are made better with a supermarket is not ‘thinking for the future’. Most of these people work in the health sector though so are obviously extremely biased and whiney.

The Tesco executive we spoke to made attempts to appease this vocal minority by pledging that the new Tesco stores will stock, “a large and varied variety of plasters and Strepsils”.

"You're fucked, mate."

Labels: November 2006

Dear Dialling Tone,

I've met a new girl and she's great and we have lots of sex. Problem is, she could be riddled for all I know. In the past week we've went through 2 12 packs of condoms, I can't keep up with this financially. Can you recommend somewhere to get cheap condoms? Or an alternative contraceptive method?

Johnny.

Dear Johnny,

I'm delighted your having so much sex, it distracts from the horror of getting to know someone. You are right, so much sex is a big financial commitment. If you contact Durex they might send you a box of factory defects, if you wear two of these at any one time you should be fine. Otherwise, take a face cloth and using an elastic band cover your penis in it. You're good to go. This also has the advantage that real nappies have over disposable ones, just pop it in the wash every now and again. Also, your girl will probably appreciate the additional width. Stay safe.

Dear Dialling Tone,

I'm a devout catholic and am deeply in love with my boyfriend. We've being going out for two years and he's never pressured me to 'give myself unto the devil' but his 21st birthday is coming up and I want to give him something that he knows means the world to me. What to do? Will I go to hell for losing my virginity before marriage?

Chastity.

Dear Chastity,

Your boyfriend is either the most understanding boy on the planet or he is Kleenex's best customer. He deserves a special treat but you also deserve to stand by your morals. Give him ass sex. That way you're still a virgin and he'll turn 21 a happy man. God does not frown upon technicalities, dear. Satan got into the garden of Eden after the fall because an administration error meant his swipe card for the gates was still valid.

Labels: November 2006