“We have received reports from many people that Santa works once every year while claiming full unemployment benefit. It is in the country's best interests that we assess his claim and his ability to work. We’d like to have an informal chat with Mr Claus to see what he does to actively seek employment.”

Santa is furious at the implications of the investigation, “I know my blooming rights. If I work less than 17 hours a week I’m entitled to some level of unemployment benefit. Even on Christmas Eve I set a stopwatch for 17 hours and if it hits when I’m still out doing my rounds then the rest of the blooming presents just wait until next year. I’m not prepared to jeopardise my income for a few blooming bratty kids that leave me the same stinking cookies and milk combo. How about a bit of variety for your Santa? I’m particularly fond of Thai Sweet Chili Sensations.”

Santa: Living it up at your expense.

The department of Work and Pensions revealed that as part of their ‘Grass a Money Grabber’ campaign they had received 8 anonymous calls regarding Santa’s activities. It is widely suspected that the reindeer are the informers.

The Tangent received a call from a helper in Santa’s workshop who revealed the true state of affairs at Santa’s Grotto. He said that Santa spends the rest of the year sleeping in to ‘after 8.30am’ and chatting up the elves wives. The caller, who will remain anonymous for fear of incurring Santa’s terrible temper, also painted a picture of Santa as a ruthless boss who sacked a bunch of elves after poaching the seven dwarves. “He heard they had a fantastic work ethic so sacked 20 elves to make way for them. We don’t have a union so there was nothing we could do about it, it’s not even as if we have transferable skills when we go.”

Of the sacked elves only two have found employment. One got a job as a circus entertainer and the other one gets paid to follow Declan Donnelly around to ‘make him feel tall’.

The source backed the department of benefit fraud’s investigation, “Santa can do so much more. The man can deliver presents to every child in the world in one evening. Surely he can be better used? Perhaps as a double glazing salesman or somebody who works in a bank.”

Santa could give us Extra

Labels: December 2006

A joint statement released by the TV giants said, “We give up 15 minutes of prime time Christmas television to The Queen when we could be showing a blockbuster movie from a decade ago or a re-run of Dad’s Army. We feel The Queen has to justify this annual 15 minutes of fame. Just like everybody on TV does nowadays, from the people who are slightly mentally ill but sing funny on Pop Idol to the Big Brother contestants who are prepared to fellate baby elephants”

Windsor Palace Production Studios were quick to dismiss the possibility of The Queen fellating a baby elephant, though they conceded one of the lesser Royals may if the price was right adding that Lady Harvey is a bit ‘hard-up’ these days.

"I'll do it for a fiver, I'll swallow for £5.25".

The revisions of the format they did reveal are sure to thrill an ailing audience. The show will open with The Queen in front of a vertically standing wheel. The wheel will contain 8 segments, each of which will have a word on it refering to one of the year's big issues. The Queen will then be blindfolded and spun round 10 times by an aide (rumoured to see the return of Paul Burrell into Royal duty) before spinning the wheel to randomly select a topic. She will then have to talk about the topic for 1 minute. But here’s the genius part; she can’t use the name of the topic. For each time she does she will lose a million pounds off of how much she is set to take off the tax payer in the year ahead.

How the revamped Queen's speech may look.

The Queen is also expected to make 75 costume changes during the short broadcast to keep up with the precedent set by glitzy award ceremonies. There will also be an ongoing text poll throughout the broadcast. Viewers will be asked to vote on what accent they would like The Queen to impersonate. A Klaxon will sound at random intervals and the Queen shall be told what accent topped the text poll then she shall have to speak it until the next Klaxon sounds. Vote Jive talk!

Labels: December 2006

This year Christmas is set to be ruined for gazillions of families all over the world by politically correct nincompoops shuffling away in dark bureaucratic corners. That's right nincompoops. The Tangent can barely contain our rage at the announcement that turkey shall be renamed 'Festive season plump poultry' in order to avoid causing offence to people in Turkey who may not wish to eat festive season plump poultry.


Turkey, not to be confused with Turkey

The renaming of turkey is said to have a devastating affect on sales of turkey this festive period. It is believed that sales of turkey will reach an all time low of zero while sales of inferior products such as festive season plump poultry will rocket. We tried numerous times to contact Sir Bernard Mathews himself concerning the issue but were consistently rebuked and diverted by his call answering staff. At one point they became so exasperated with The Tangent's probing questions that we were told, "Bernard Matthews is dead now, he exists only as a marketing figure." Such nonsense could only be the product of crisis and we can only assume than Sir Bernard is locked up in a room crying tears of doom in a plate of cooling festive season plump poultry.


"We've been through hard times before, love"

Labels: December 2006

Detailed economic research conducted by Tangent Unit for Researching Demographics (TURD) has revealed that people are set to spend more in December than in any other month of the year. This is largely suspected to be down to Christmas.



A member of the TURD team said “Our trailblazing research has revealed that on average people spend more at this time of year than any other. We suspect this is due to buying Christmas presents for people and attending work related Christmas/end of year shindigs” Four years studying economics at a prestigious UK university for that insight. Where the hell would we be without education?


Universities: pulling the wool over
uneducated eyes for centuries

The research showed that by spending more people will end up poorer and shops will end up richer. Dorian from the economics branch of TURD says that people should create a balance sheet when heading into December to ensure they don’t end up liquidated. “Draw up various graphs with the names of friends and family and the approximate value of previous years gifts they have got you. This gives you a great indication of what they are likely to spend. You can therefore bring your spending inline – avoiding looking like a cheapskate and ensuring you don’t make a net loss over the Christmas period.”

When asked for tips on how to avoid making a net loss by attending too many parties he said that it wasn’t an issue for him as two glasses of Sherry got him drunk enough to stop spending money on alcohols and that Kebabs played havoc with his allergies. When we accused him of making a ‘net loss’ by spewing on his shoes and singing Girls Just Wanna Have Fun at last year’s party Dorian defended himself saying, “Well, you could see that as a net loss but the girl on reception bend over at one point and I saw her bra strap. So there.”

The T.U.R.D. team. Losers, every last one of them.

The TURD economics division are correct in their ‘revelation’ people will spend more during this period. We spend thousands on getting them to investigate how much people will spend at this time of year. Cunning shits.

Labels: December 2006

POP IDOL WINNER SET FOR ROLLERCOASTER RIDE

As we predicted from the very first minute of this years show {insert winner’s name} has one the hearts and minds of the British public and romped home in Pop Idol. {insert winner’s name} is now set to follow in the footsteps of {insert famous singer’s name who winner sounds vaguely like} and {insert another singer’s name who winner sounds vaguely like} on the path to international stardom.

It was clear when {insert winner’s name} first sang on the show that {he/she} was a special talent. After the result Simon Cowell said, “I’m glad {insert winner’s name} has won the competition. {he/she} thoroughly deserves it. There is a lot of hard work for {insert winner’s name} over the coming months but right now {he/she} should just savour this moment.

The song that {insert winner’s name} is still top secret but the theme is expected to be along the lines of triumphing over adversity, a bit like beating everyone in a music competition. It will be especially fitting for {insert winner's name} as they have had to overcome {being fat/being old/being homosexual/having a stutter/being fiendishly ugly} to win the competition.

{Insert winner's face} coming to a
bargain bin near you this Easter.

In other years Pop Idol winners have plummeted bag to obscurity faster than Simon Cowell's trousers plummet when greeted by a girl with a bra size in the latter half of the alphabet but {insert winner’s name is sure to be an exception} as he she has true talent to set {him/her} apart from the field.

Labels: December 2006

FOOTBALL! FOOTBALL! FOOTBALL!

It all kicks off in mid December when Chelsea go to Old Trafford to face table toppers Manchester United. At the same time Chelsea reserves will be playing in the North against Newcastle United in another Premiership fixture. The advantage that Manchester United could gain here is somewhat nullified by the fact that a stuttering Aston Villa will run out to play them at Old Trafford as soon as Chelsea walk off the pitch.

The prospect of 3 hours of football doesn’t daunt the Manchester United stars though. Wayne Rooney said, “I used to fucking play eight fucking games of Head and Two fuck Touch on the shitting trot when I were a fucking lad. Two fucking professional games aren’t as fucking tough as playing on fucking Merseyside. I had to keep a constant fucking eye on my jumper that was acting as a fucking goalpost to make sure no fucking bastard nicked it. Fuck.”

Player of the year candidate Christiano Ronaldo was equally unfazed. “The trick is to take opportunities for a rest. For me this will be easy as I spend most of my time lying down on the turf.”

Ronaldo, about to conserve energy.

At the other end of the table the bottom three will play each other twice in the space of 2 days to sort out the relegation issues. The FA cup and Carling Cup will also be in full swing. Everton have the easiest festive period fixtures as they are only playing 13 games over 6 days. And all of the teams get Christmas day off instead of doing what they are paid very handsomely to do. Football really has lost touch with the working man. It’s not too much to expect from a millionaire footballer to keep running even when the muscle in his legs has turned into jelly.

Labels: December 2006