DAVID BECKHAM TO GET LOTS OF MONEY AND WIN NONSENSE MEDALS

David Beckham has has signed a mega bucks deal to play Major League Soccer with the LA Galaxy. It is estimated that Beckham will get paid 8 billion silver guineas for every time he kicks a ball (based on conservative estimates of David getting a kick of the ball once in every 3 games).

David appeared sporting a new gold plated haircut to a frenzied media. He answered all questions asked of him, popping a £100 note down journo's trousers as he went. David was asked to clarify statements he made last year about fighting his way back into the England team and whether by going stateside to finish up his career he had given up on this, "Obviously I'd still very obviously like to play for England. And if you look at it this way, I should be the best player in this league. Can you imagine how good I'll look? In a football sense. Obviously if this doesn't work I'll get a transfer to Cowdenbeath and then I'll definitely be the best. Obviously."


Former footballer: David Beckham.

Victoria pointed out that David was so good he could not only play football, he could play soccer and that any England coach would be mad to overlook the multi-talented mega star. David looked completely embarrassed by his spouse and could be seen deep in thought, probably thinking about the next babysitter he's going to shag.

David was also open and honest about giving up the sort of anonymity he has always claimed to crave by attempting to crack the one world market that isn't interested in football and appeals to the Beckham's lifestyle. "Yeah, but you can't really turn down this much money, can you? The kids will get over the invasion of privacy they'll face from now on in every corner of the globe. We'll buy them happy. Anyways, Victoria says that Antarctica is due to get a Gucci store in 2010 so relocating for a quiet life there may be an option once I hang up my boots. Well, hanging them up more so than coming to play over here."

David's agent Simon Fuller was found doing a jig in a corner and made this statement, "like every young boy I used to dream about signing the world's most expensive sporting deal and now I've done it. This move will be good for David as well. Financially. Obviously it's the end of his career but he's got some nice medals from last century. He'll always have them. Yipppeeeeeeeeeeee!!!"

South Devon locals were treated to a freebie bonanza as a freight ship crashed off the coast, shedding it's load. The Napoli shed thousands of pounds worth of BMW car parts, oil paintings and wine. Local residents scoured the shores for the treasures as police desperately looked for a law to accuse them of breaking.


"Eh... boss...."

John Melville, whose family have lived in the area for centuries, explained how the looting was a birth right for the locals "If stuff washes up on OUR beach then it becomes OURS or mine. It's quite simple, age old stuff. My great great grandpappy would take back any slaves that washed up in his time and I'll take back any wine barrels that wash up in my time. The law know they can't touch us.

Deputy Officer Jim Conrad disagreed with Mr Melville's assertion. "This is someone else property, it's like stealing someones TV. Except your not stealing a TV and you're not going into their house to do it. But it boils down to the same and is therefore illegal. In fact, I'd go as far as saying it's unlawful." He then sped away on his gleaming but slightly wet BMW motorcycle as TV crews pulled up.


BRAND NEW BMW MOTORBIKE FOR SALE!
Slight water damage, otherwise mint.
Contact J. Conrad.

It was clear from what we saw on the beach that people are not being greedy and taking stuff just for the sake of it. There was a community spirit of trading going on with people trading toothbrushes for electronics, wine barrels for new shoes etc. Will Jonah, whose fashion style is best described as 'hobo chic', explained how he was just down to look for a windscreen. "The windscreen on my Beamer is slightly cracked, to fix it would cost me hundreds of pounds so I'm just here for this windscreen which I will take back and fix to my BMW." He then popped the windscreen into a wheelbarrow before struggling up the hill. The wheelbarrow was missing a wheel, you see.

The companies who have lost goods in the accident say that they will take legal action against looters if police don't stop the pinching. Shell, who lost a couple of canisters of oil into the sea, are prepared to take severe action against those caught with their oil. "It's the birds that are the problem mostly. They are smuggling our precious black nectar out by covering their bodies in it. They probably then plan to sell the oil they have on their bodies to automobile garages. We would advise the owners of garages approached by birds selling oil to refuse the product no matter how good an offer it seems. The oil has been watered down and will not be as efficient as premium Shell oil."

Quizzed on what action Shell could possibly take against birds the Shell representative said, "well, obviously we can't punish them legally... the most effective alternative we can come up with is just to stamp on their skulls."

Hit show in racism storm. Not an actual storm of racism, it’s a metaphor to convey the force of people’s reaction, dummy.

This year’s celebrity Big Brother has came under fire from the public, politicians and pelicans for the seemingly racist behaviour of several of this year’s contestants. Jo O’ Meara (the butch one), Danielle Lloyd (played ball games with Teddy-by-name-Tiger-by-nature-Sheringham, Jade Goody (that one) and her current lumber have ganged up on Bollywood actress Shilpa Shetty in what some have construed in a racist way.


Jade: utterly disgusting

Jo O’ Meara has taken to saying, “Oh, I smell curry” anytime Shilpa enters the room. Danielle Lloyd has been seen to ‘draw daggers’ at the Bollywood babe. Jade asked Shilpa if there was an ‘East Angular’ in India. Jade’s lumber was accused of calling Shilpa ‘a paki’ in footage Big Brother producers Endemol cut. Endemol denied they were hiding the extent of the racial abuse going on in the house and revealed that lumber was cut (The Tangent: kings of pun) because he said ‘cunt’, ‘cunting paki’, to be precise.

The various celebs press agent’s have been quick to defend the behaviour and claim the bullying is nothing more than a clash of personalities. Jo O’ Meara’s people said, “Jo was in a pop group with a black person. Sure he was only 1 person in a group of 7 and he’s the only member of the group that she doesn’t talk to these days but the fact she has made money with someone of a different ethnicity conclusively proves she is not a racist.”


Bradley: still doing his thing
(at kid's parties for a small fee)

Danielle Lloyd's agent provided a similar argument. “Danielle loves non-Caucasian people. She has even slept with a black dude before. You get that? She let a black guy put his penis inside her. How could she do that if she was a racist? By her own account he had a massive penis, which sweetened the deal, but that wouldn’t even be enough for a racist. A racist would probably want to set fire to it, or something. They certainly wouldn’t want to shag it.”

Gordon Blair condemned the idea of racism but refused to comment directly on activities in the show. In that creepy Borg style unison monotone they now speak in they said, “Have you seen the mess our government has put the country into? Do you think we have the time to watch TV?”

Opposition leader David Cameron urged that the masses simply ‘turn off’ Big Brother. Mr Cameron, you’ve got more chance of convincing people to vote Tory at the next election.

SADDAM EXECUTION BRUTAL AND INHUMANE: BECAUSE PEOPLE CALLED HIM NAMES

Disgusting, barbaric, degrading scenes ensued at the execution of Saddam Hussein this month as it emerged some of the Shia executioners shouted names at Saddam. It is utterly appalling that this type of behaviour took place. It’s ok to hang a man to death but to call him names during it is really a bit cruel.

Mobile phone footage emerged shortly after the execution, painting a stark contrast to the sombre, dignified impression presented by the official muted footage. In the unofficial footage one of Saddam’s captors can be heard shouting, ‘beardy, beardy, beardy!” some of the others berate him with ‘yo mamma’ punchlines. A translation of Saddam’s final words show that he was defiant against the taunts of the Shia executioners. He says, “sticks and stones will break my bones but names will never hurt me”. The chief executioner chillingly retorts, “No, but this noose will, ya bas.” as he tightens the noose around Saddams neck.

PM in training, Gordon Brown, was quick to condemn the taunting. Tony Blair also spoke out against the manner of the execution about a week later. He was criticised for his slow response time but explained, “I forgot I was still running the country. To be honest, I only get out of bed to go for a piss these days.”

"Am I still in charge?"

More dignified ways to hang a tyrant.
In the wake of the despicable manner of Saddam’s execution Team Tangent have devised several more dignified ways to hang a tyrant.

Madame Tussauds waxwork
Saddam is left hanging while Madame Tussauds knock up a lifelike (boom boom) wax model of the historically defining moment

The ‘Get Your Own Back’ hanging
The gallows could have been used to recreate the set from hit 90s kid’s TV show ‘Get Your Own Back’. Some Iraqi children would get to put Saddam through a series of humiliating games before Dave Benson Philips orders a ‘gunging’ while the deposed despot hangs.

Desperate for a comeback

The ‘Rumble on the Gallows’ hanging
Former American Heavyweight boxing champ and respected health grill engineer George Foreman uses Saddam’s strung up corpse like a heavy bag, showing the world that Big George still has some moves.