The Tangent Newspaper

Saturday, 24 February 2007

ANNA NICOLE SMITH FOUND DEAD: SYMPATHY FOUND TO BE MISSING

Busty gold digging talentless bitch Anna Nicole Smith was found dead this month. The pensioner shagging busty blonde is believed to have taken around 10 different types of pills including Hemlock, paracetamol, Gummy Bears, Bust Booster 800s and diaxipheritamoloxicyclinium. The cause of death is as of yet unknown but it seems obvious to us that this lethal cocktail of drugs left the busty model ahem bust.

Anna shot to prominence in 1994 when she married oil billionaire J. Howard Marshall, 1004 years her senior. Anna only married the little old guy because of his wealth as we all know it is impossible for love to occur unless people are roughly the same age and have the same educational and social background. Personally, I won't get involved with a man unless he is around 6 foot 2 inches, two and a half years older than me and from North East Sussex. Unless he's fucking rich.

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"When I aksed for something antique,
small and valuable for Christmas this
was not what I had in mind."

15 months after the marriage Marshall died leaving Anna and his son embroiled in a huge legal battle to see who could claw the old boys money. Anna being a talentless waste of bust spent the time modeling, acting, being spokesperson for various companies and starring in her own reality TV show.

Anna continued to act like a heartless bitch right up to her death making it impossible for the media to like her. Amongst her most heartless episodes was a commitment ceremony to shock Jock Howard stern and having her son die on her. Anna is indicative of a celebrity culture that pushes people forward without any sustainable talent and lets a vile media tear them apart before discarding them like a sweaty pair of socks once their done. I'm off to interview the winner of TV's latest reality show 'So you'd put your face in a fire for celebrity?" rather than waste any more time writing about this women.

Surprising rumours have surfaced that Elton John is set to re-work Candle in the Wind for the umpteenth time. 'Flamethrower in a Hurricane' is said to pay tribute to the side of Anna that we rarely saw. We probably never saw it because it wasn't there but nonetheless Sir Elton feels it is a worthwhile project "If nothing else, this record will help make me a little bit richer."

Labels: February 2007

Wednesday, 14 February 2007

THIS VALENTINE'S DAY SAY IT WITH EXPLOSIVES

In light of recent mail bombs police are warning desperate losers to be vigilant when opening cards and packages this Valentine's day. Chief Constable Hallmark warned, "Really, the chances of getting a surprise Valentine's day card is unlikely. You are probably hideous ugly and have a personality that doesn't so much charm the birds out of the trees but charms bull's horns into your crotch. Sure it would be nice to think, somewhere, someone likes you but is it worth opening a suspicious package and having your skull blown open?"

So far the bomb attacks have targeted businesses but there are widespread fears amongst people susceptible to having widespread fears that the bombers may start praying on people's vanity by sending bombs in boxes adorned with love hearts.

Clinton cards, the UK's most homogeneous card retailer, released a statement playing down fears. "On Valentine's Day it is traditional to give and receive items through the post. We can not let terrorists affect this fundamental liberty. If we do they have won. To show you are not afraid we suggest you buy a box of our 'We Are Not Afraid' cards and send them to all of your closest friends, family, casual sleeping partners, people you randomly select from the phonebook. And remember, when it comes to Valentine's Day itself the biggest, most expensive card is the one that expresses the most love."

In other postal related news the total number of people injured in the recent spate of mail attacks is getting quite high. We could research the exact number but we have to run off to buy a last minute Valentine's Day card.

Labels: February 2007

Monday, 12 February 2007

DAVIE DOPE-HEAD

A biography of Tory leader David Cameron has revealed that a young David smoked cannabis while at Eton. The book details how a 15 year old David would meet up with friends and pass round a joint while talking about their favourite 'ragga' artists. When caught, David was not expelled from Eton like some of his friends . As the book reveals this was because 'David was not selling it. And was a lot richer than the other boys."

Cameron has repeatedly dodged the drug question when it has been out to him. Quite the opposite of what he does when you roll a massive reefer and put it to him. At a fringe Conservative meeting in 2005 Cameron responded to a drugs question saying, "I did lots of things before I came into politics which I shouldn't have done. We all did."

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David, discovering the hilarity
in getting a pet stoned.

In a candid interview we done with David he elaborated on this by saying, "The media only try and paint the negative side of things like this to the public. Sure I smoked a bit of weed, but it also shows how cool I can be - not one newspaper mentioned that. Same with when I organised 'Eton felch-fest 1982' everyone got their unsoiled knickers in a twist about it's 'depravity' and completely ignored the masterful planning and execution involved."

The Labour party took the opportunity to stick the boot into Cameron. "He's a junkie. Pure and simple. I'm going to lock the bugger up." said Home Secretary John Reid. Tony Blair tried to take a pop at Cameron but also tried to appeal to those who may find such horrendous drug abuse as a badge of honour by quoting NWA lyrics. Hello, I still exp exp express... I don't smoke weed or a sess. Cause its known to give a politician brain damage. And brain damage in Number 10 don't manage." He then said, "there's no point looking cool if you're dead, kids" Before dragging up his cargo pants over his arse, getting in his pimp mobile and speeding away with his bitches.

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Tony's bitches

Ex Tory leader John Major came out in support of Cameron saying, "this shows people that David has had a past, as we all have, with difficulty. He has dealt with that and achieved the highest role a Tory can - leader of the opposition. It also makes him look cool, it will really connect with the young electorate. Cannibas is such an edgy, dangerous drug." When we reminded Mr Major it was no longer 1967 and cannibis was now as about as edgy as
Tots TV he quipped, "thank God it's not 1967, I'd still have sex with Edwina Currie in front of me."

Labels: February 2007

Dear Dialling Tone,

Ok so my dad abandoned me when i was 6 or 7... and he used to keep trying to come back in my life, but only when he needed something... but now im older and all of a sudden he wrote me a letter, im not sure what to do... last time this happened i got really hurt, emotionaly. I dunno what to do...
Any advice?

Teenage Drama.

Dear Teenage Drama,

If he keeps trying to come back into your life then he's hardly abandoned you has he? Duh. It's important that a girl has a father figure in her life, but as you said this man has only hurt you. So I suggest you forget about him and sleep with a string of men. You'll probably just hate yourself immensely when you tear through the 250 mark without finding what you're looking for but it'll be great for the menfolk.

Dear Dialling Tone,

I don't know what to do for my girlfriend this Valentines day. It has recently transpired that I really, really don't like her but there's no point dumping her until I can find somone else to have sex with. So I don't want to spend any serious money on her but enough to stop her from getting wind of my intentions.

Ideas?

Romantic-at-heart.

Dear Romantic-at-heart,

Some people would chastise you for messing this girl about but I don't see anything wrong in what you're doing. You wouldn't leave your job until you had another one lined up, you wouldn't move out of your house until you've got another one. That would be stupid. Same thing applies in relationships. However, Valentines Day poses you a tricky conundrum... the best solution I can see is to get her something that's expensive but also something you want. And claim it in the spoils of break-up.

Labels: February 2007

Monday, 5 February 2007

UNDERCLASS HOOLIGANS TORTURE AND KILL DEFENCELESS ANIMAL

Horrific scenes took place on a Mosside council estate this week as a group of young hoodlums were involved in a vicious bloodsport. Eyewitnesses saw a group of mainly young, black youths wearing lots of Fubo clothing capture a pigeon before pulling it's wings off and then chasing the terrified creature around the estate.

The youths had a number of dogs that they were restraining on leashes while goading and encouraging the dogs to growl at the pigeon. The youths wound the dogs up into a frenzy before letting the mutilated pigeon get a few metres ahead and then unleashed the crazed dogs and cheered as the dogs caught up with the pray and mauled it to death. The youths were reported to have celebrated by giving each other proud high fives.

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One eyewitness described the youths actions as utterly barbaric and cruel, pointing out that there was never any hope for the pigeon, the youths had decided on it's horrific fate long before they let the dogs "finish off" the despicable act of animal cruelty that they started.

OVERZEALOUS ACTIVISTS COMPLICATE EXTERMINATION OF DANGEROUS VERMIN

Angry clashes took place in the Devonshire countryside earlier this week as a group of grimey student activists tried to disrupt a local fox hunt. The hunters, mainly aristocratic, middle aged men approached the hunting ground only to find half a dozen or so scrawny soap dodgers blocking the entrance gate to the hunt route.

Local law enforcement were quick to arrive and move the activists on and the hunt eventually recommenced. Although it was frightfully late due to the delay the heroic hunters managed to rid the countryside of around 10 or so of the vermin (the foxes, not the activists). Chants of 'Tally ho' will ring loudly in the dreams of all the hunters for many years to come thanks to the superb haul in such difficult conditions.

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A local policeman who attended the scene claimed that the activists had no right to interfere in an age old activity that has helped maintain the countryside ecosystem for centuries. "These hunters take part in a sport. The fox has every chance of getting away to live and plunder another day. The death the fox potentially faces is also humane and over very quickly. The protesters would soon change their tune if a fox came along and ate one of their sister or something."

Labels: February 2007