Doris, 24, Doncaster.

Labels: March 2007

Following a recent assault on the top 40 by George Galloway, various left wing groups and the anti-war movement with a cover of ‘War (What is it good for)’ by Edwin Starr, it has been leaked to the tangent that Tony Blair has commissioned an original pro-war ballad, tentatively titled ‘Let’s Bomb The Fuckers’.

Galloway responded angrily saying, “There was a time when I admired Tony Blair’s tenosity and indispensagility. Not now though, I find him to be a peronious scubblebummer of the worst sort. It is unacceptable for a high ranking public servant, because that’s what we are, to be propagating themselves on the mass media like this.

George busy serving the public he represents.

A host of celebrities have already signed up to perform on the track, including Jeremy Clarkson and surprisingly Bono who when questioned stated:“Well let’s face facts, I’ve been raising money for brown people for a long time and I’ve never had so much as a Christmas Card. Frankly that old ‘we don’t know it’s Christmas’ excuse doesn’t wash with Bono these days”

Also on vocals was David Blunkett although it is widely believed that he became confused while trying to find a landfill to keep his unsold books in, wandered into the studio and was too embarrassed to admit he was there by accident.

Our survey says: most obvious caption is
- The blind leading the blind.

Others superstars attached to the project are 9 of 911, 3 of 5ive and S of S Club. All sales from the single will go straight to the Ministry of Defence who hope to raise £1 million to bombs the livings shits out of Iraqis.

Labels: March 2007

because they can't use their feet.
Cricket's most famous son, he smashed
8,000 commoner newborns into pieces.

Labels: March 2007

Labels: March 2007

Dear Dialling Tone,

I came home late one night this weekend to find a man passed out in my bathroom. My girlfriend claims nothing happened between her and him and that he's a friend of hers. But I'm suspicious, do you think anything kinky went on?

Trusting Dolt.

Dear Trusting Dolt,

I am positive nothing of a sexual nature took place, so there's no need for concern. If this bloke was drunk enough to pass out then he'd be far too drunk to plow your girl. It's easier to stir up an erection in a corpse than it is in a passed out drunk. She obviously brought him back with the intention of screwing him but she didn't, that's what you have to remember here.

Dear Dialling Tone.

Dear Dialling Tone,

I'm a 15 year old boy and have recently found myself staring at the other guys in my football team in the changing room. I've never had any interest in girls, other than doing their hair for them before a night out. Oh, and I've been furiously masturbating to pictures of male models in the Littlewoods catalogue. I think I might be gay. Any advice?

Confused.

Dear Confused,

You're not gay. You're just sick in the head and need locked away.

Dear Dialling Tone.

Labels: March 2007

BUDGET SPECIAL

Yesterday, Gordon 'GoGo' Brown delivered what many expect to be his last Budget before being promoted to Prime Minister.



Most of the Labour Party backbenchers attended dressed solely in leopard print thongs as there was an air of carnival about proceedings. Even Gordon the Grinch (The Man who tried to Tax Christmas™) was in light spirits, "Some people think that this dashing leather case contains nothing but Cream Crackers. But an enormous amount of effort and dedication goes into ensuring the contents of this case reach you in the freshest condition possible; I've been to the Jacob's factory and seen how hard they work". Three age old Tory Party members. laughed at the at the remark or possibly had their death splutter to it, it's so hard to tell.


Kinnock, leading the thong song.

After the joviality's Gordon got into the business of making 95% of the nation poorer but dressing it up in such a cunning manner that they won't notice. He reduced tax on income by 2p but levied it with a 'door tax' whereby everyone will by 3p a year for every door in their house, including cat flaps and oven doors.

As in recent budgets extra tax was added to booze and fags, "the modern opiates of the people must be taxed to pay for the health consequences of using such opiates", Brown explained.

Cigarettes were hit especially hard, with a 11p rise. While nicotine patches enjoyed a VAT reduction from 17.5% to 5%. "I don't want to completely penalise smokers, thus the nicotine patch reduction. We are sending out a clear message to smokers that this Government will provide them with a different source of nicotine."


What the Budget means in real terms.

Brown maintains that the average family will find themselves better off due to this years budget announcements. We spoke to the Average family, who live in Suffolk and have 2 children aged 2 and 6. Mr Average said he was very pleased with the Budget and that it left him £17.83 better off. He plans to take the family out for a slap up meal at a nice restaurant before taking in a theatre performance with the extra money.

Other more unusual Budget announcements included the 'Dwarf tax' which has left midget pressure groups up in arms, tiny arms. There was also a massive tax reduction put in place for people with double of triple barrelled names.


Leader of the grumpy dwarves.

Labels: March 2007

BLUE PETER FAKES CONTEST

Legendary kids TV show, Blue Peter (49), was this week embroiled in scandal after it emerged a competition on the show had been faked. Technical difficulties during a show last year meant that people - well not people - children, poor innocent children - were calling in with no chance of getting through to play the competition. Calls cost 10p a minute from landlines and mobile rates varied. The technical difficulty was described as 'a fundamental motivating greed to make easy money at the cost of the fanbase' by one BBC engineer.

A visiting child was asked to pose as the competition winner. The child was found in BBC corridors and is rumoured to have been told by BBC executives, "if you don't fucking do it we'll cut you up real bad. Nobody escapes the BBC computer." The BBC have apologised unequivocally for the mishap, “"the BBC does not make practice of broadcasting people who are not what the BBC has claimed, oh except this and Guy Goma. And BBC does not lie, oh except this that sexed up dossier".

Guy Goma: bald but sexy.
Like Shakespeare.

Parents group reacted angrily to the revelation. Gavin Pierson of Dead-beat Dads with Nothing Better to do snarled, "I grew up with Blue Peter, it was a staple of good values and decency in my day. But just like everything it has been debauched into something repulsive that we must protect out children from. I propose that parents all over the country take their children and scoop out their eyes with a sterilised spoon to safeguard their children's innocence."

Other possible Blue Peter Hoaxes

The Moon Landing

Possibly mans' greatest feat of exploration.

Maybes Aye: Apollo 11 looks like it's a couple of old toilet roll tubes covered in tinfoil held together with sticky back plastic.

Maybes Naw: Peter Purves was the presenter at the time of the moon landing. His craft sessions were notoriously crap, his bird food dispenser collapsed killing a fully grown ostrich in one sickening Blue Peter clip that was never screened

Send an Orphan to Disneyland fund raiser

This event ran through 1997. Each week there would be a featured orphan telling their story to the viewers at home. Then phonelines would be opened for people to make donations in an attempt to send the child to Disneyland. A source revealed to us that the furthest the orphan would get was down to the local garage when Richard Bacon got the munchies after spending all the donations on cocaine.

Maybes Aye: Richard Bacon does get mega munchies.

Maybes Naw: He normally just eats orphans.

Roswell alien autopsy.

Supposed footage of an alien autopsy from the Roswell crash.

Maybes Aye: In one shot, just off to the side there looks to be a defecating canine that bears a striking resemblance to Mabel, the top dog, the bitches bollocks.

Maybes Naw: The presentation of the film far exceeds Blue Peter presentation values.

Labels: March 2007

VIRGIN MEDIA AND BSKYB FALL OUT: CUSTOMERS SHAT UPON

Virgin Media (formerly NTL, formerly NTL Telewest, formerly Cable and Wireless, formerly Static and Steam, formerly Smoke Signal R Us) customers will have been shocked this month when they switched on their TV's expecting to see the same episode of Futurama that they saw 3 times the previous day but instead were greeted with a blank screen.

BSkyB (only ever known as BSkyB) and Virgin Media couldn't reach an agreement whereby Virgin customers continue to receive Sky's non premium channels like Sky One, Sky onepointfive, Sky News, Sky Sports News, Sky News News and Sky Watercolours News. Virgin defended the loss of the channels saying, "Sky were trying to bully us into paying an excessive amount for their non premium channels. To meet their demands we would have to raise our charges to the customer. We believe in fair play and are not prepared to do this. There will be no discounts offered to customers for the lost channels".

Hours after the falling out the two companies become embroiled in advertisement 'mud slinging'. Sky took out ads saying, "Don't lose LOST. Virgin have dropped Sky channels. They've quite possibly LOST their mind. Switch to Sky to continue seeing brand new episodes of LOST." Virgin ads took the approach of Sky being a bully in this situation and launched ads saying "You remember that guy in your playground who would make you eat worms for a fiver? Sky is that guy. You wouldn't let Osama Bin Laden in your house; so why let Sky in? Stay with Virgin. Please.

The ads have now descended to the level whereby Sky's latest featured a picture of Mrs Branson with the caption, "Virgin, she's certainly not." to which Virgin responded with an ad saying, "Sky's mum is a fat cow."


Both Companies have ran ads
that some have deemed inappropriate

TV regulator Offcom is set to intervene in the dispute but is currently enjoying the petty retorts the two companies are throwing about to break it up.

Labels: March 2007

NEW LOTTERY SYSTEM TO END CLASS DIFFERENCES

Britain is set to pioneer a new system aimed at alleviating class differences. The scheme will start with a lottery to decide school places to ensure that people who can't afford to go to nice schools with amenities like 'pencils', 'central heating' and 'desks' aren't hindered by their parents inability to earn moola.

Eventually the scheme is set to tear down all class differences. A government spokesman speculated on the future of the project. "Right now we're aiming it at education as it's fundamental that every child is given equal opportunity to be provided with a good education. But in the future we may take it further. There are direct links between poverty and crime, drugs/alcohol abuse, violence etc. There is no reason why poor people should be more susceptible to these ills than the wealthy. So one day, in a Utopian Britain we hope to lottery off these social ills on people so everyone has a fair crack of the whip in life."


It could be you: just some of the social conditions that could be coming to a lottery near you.

The scheme has split opinion amongst the public. Britney McGinty (14 and a half)of Glasgow's deprived Castlemilk area supports the scheme, "It be dead nice to see my wee one Xtina get into a nice school. I just can't provide it for her because the essentials in life are so expensive these days, like Rangers kits and Ipods. It's just a shame my 9 year old daughter Angela is too old to have not have been gotten a similar chance in life."

Whereas Johnathan-Edam Bushell Williams who resides in Milgavnie believes the scheme is 'preposterous'. "My daddy worked hard all his life to give my the best opportunities and I should be able to work hard to provide the same opportunities for my heirs. This is a fundamental infringement on my liberty. Next they'll tell me I can't keep buying up property and selling it on in 3 months for tens of thousands more."

Despite the split in public opinion the scheme will go ahead. Initially focusing on school placements. If it is successful in narrowing the class divide in education it shall be implemented in the aforementioned areas. Camelot are set to sell tickets at £1,000 a piece and have a glitzy show lined up for the draw with Graham Norton rumoured to be presenting.

Labels: March 2007