BORIS YELSTIN FALLS OFF THE WAGON FOR FINAL TIME

Following his death from heart failure on 23 April 2007, the Tangent takes a look at the extraordinary individual who was apparently quite big in Russia but more importantly was prepared to address the United Nations through the medium of dance while drunk - thus providing lazy sub editors worldwide with comedic padding on slow news days.

Born in Sverdlovsk - literally translating as ‘Unpronouncable’ in Russian – Boris went to school in Soviet Russia and sat exams. It was during this process of what the Communists call ‘studying’ that Boris lost two fingers – allegedly this occurred as he played with stolen hand grenades. Despite this official claim, Tangent Historians believe that the move was no accident but was instead instigated by Communists to stifle young Boris’s obsession with playing guitar as they feared that his powerful riffing might some day bring down the Iron Curtain. How prophetic they were.

Having left school, Boris got into the construction game but left when it became apparent that sucking air through ones teeth and then giving large estimates for small jobs was likely to get a man shot in Soviet Russia.

Party on

Joining the Communist Party in 1961 after drunkenly assuming that actual ‘partying’ would take place, Boris was rapidly promoted through the ranks largely due to confusion over his identity and a general unwillingness by Party members to admit that they had screwed up. In 1991 Yeltsin was elected to the position of President. Yeltsin was heralded as a democratic reformer in the West but never quite walked it as he talked it. Often he would respond to crisises in the age old communist manner (pictured below)

La la la la.

Russia to Judgment

Welcome book lovers to our little nook of literature. Grab yourself a bean bag and prepare to enjoy the best in literary criticism. Our in depth research shows that there have been a lot of books written so each segment of the Tangent Literary Supplement will review a past classic and a modern novel until we review everything that's ever been written, approximately sometime in 2015.

Frankenstein by Mary Shelley

Don't bother with this one, book munchers. It doesn't live up to the excitement of it's celluloid cousins. Instead of a thrilling tale of revenge we encounter a dull moralistic novel with a theme of pursuit. Pursuit? The monster (or creature, as PC mad academics prefer) is supposed to be slow, there really shouldn't be much of a pursuit.

This is just one example of Mary Shelley's failure to understand the most basic characteristics of the Frankenstein character. As a reader we want to both hate the monster but to be thrilled by it's awesome power. In Shelley's hands the monster becomes a self-pitying wimp. Take, for example, the scenes with the cottagers. The monster hides away from the family and stops stealing their food when he realises it causes them suffering. He even starts doing chores for them. When the family discover him he is attacked, instead of crushing their puny human bodies the monster flees. The book would be far more exciting if the monster had burst in on the cottagers, killed the males, forced himself on the female, ate heartily before forcing himself on the female again and then leave after smashing her skull open. It is a problem that haunts the entire novel. The monster is a brooding loner who spends too much time indulging in the misery of his alienation and not enough time smashing and killing stuff.

Mary Shelley tries to be too clever for her own good, sure she asks a lot of pertinent questions about the advancements in science and the human condition but if we wanted that we wouldn't buy a horror title, would we? Even the sub title gives away her desire to transform Frankenstein into some sort of intellectual play ground - 'The Modern Prometheus', eh? It seems entrusting the lucrative Frankenstein franchise to Mary Shelley has proved an error.

Score: 2 Tangents out of 6 - Too much thinky thinky, not enough smashy smashy.

Trudy's Tale - A girl with no Face by Joan Hartwrenche

This is how the story of a freak should be handled. Trudy doesn't go on a maniacal rampage but she doesn't let her hideous appearance hold her back from achieving what she wants in life, unlike Shelley's Frankenstein.

Trudy is born with no facial features. She bravely fights for life literally from the second she is born. Without nostrils or a mouth she seems set to suffocate to death within minutes of entering our cruel world until maverick Doctor and ex-marine Corp marksman, Ace Dagless, carefully shoots a hole in her face where her mouth should be, using his trusted Magnum 357.

The brave heroine of the story undergoes 17 years of extensive plastic surgery to help her gain as normal a face as possible. The novel cleverly runs two plots simultaneously (together), the story of Trudy's surgery, subsequent painful recovery and the moral dilemma her parents are faced with each time they watch their little girl, who is perfect in their eyes, go under the knife. At the same time we follow the fall from grace of Ace Dagless who loses his medical license for 'reckless behaviour' - the act being the one that saved Trudy's life.

"Sometimes I pray. I pray to God. I pray to Got to give me a face. I pray to God to give me a face people won't laugh at. Ugly people just don't realise how lucky they are. I'd happily live with an ugly face."

After years of undergoing surgery and being shunned by people due to her odd looks Trudy's social skills are poorly developed. It is one of the novels compelling ironies - Trudy pursues a face that society will accept but in doing so neglects the social skills necessary to integrate with society. She meets a very shy young man called Alex who's father is a down and out alcoholic. Alex is a talented painter but suffers from low self esteem. Trudy aims to bring out his talent and is able to fund an exhibition of Alex's paintings (Trudy is a highly successful Integrated Suppositories lawyer having spent so much time studying while recovering from operations). Alex's paintings capture the publics imagination and overnight he is propelled to fame. Wealth measured in millions quickly follows and he pays for his father to successfully complete a detox program.

Without realising it Alex and Trudy have fallen in love and agree to be married. Trudy has never told Alex about her deformity and is terrified that if Alex finds out he will leave her. When she meets Alex's father she discovers him to be Ace Dagless, the maverick Doctor who saved her life all those years ago. He quietly persuades Trudy to confess to Alex.

"I saved your life when you were suffocating because you had no face. By helping Alex become a success you've saved my life when I was suffocating because I had no future. The love Alex and you have is stronger than the glue holding your nose on. Tell him, sweet Trudy. Tell him."

Trudy confesses to Alex who says that deep down he sort of always knew. He then confesses to having the clap after sleeping with an art groupie. They agree to accept each others flaws and are married in an extravagant but beautiful ceremony in a massively posh stately home. Joan Heartwrenche writes like a modern Jane Austen, so much so she can be labelled as 'the modern Jane Austen'. Trudy's story is undeniable evidence to this claim and thoroughly deserves it score of 8 Tangents out of 8.

GUNMAN GOES ON KILLING SPREE IN VIRGINIA STATE WITH GUNS. GUNS SET TO BE EXONERATED.

Tragedy shot through America yesterday as a gunman, probably a Marilyn Manson obsessed video games player, killed over 30 people at Virginia Tech University. The shootings started at 07:15 before the gunman broke off for a spot of lunch in the University cafeteria. The University failed to alert students to the initial shootings because there were burgers to be sold and the gunman had worked up quite an appetite. After he tried the University's High Cal High Tech burger special meal deal he continued his killing spree in the engineering department angered that the milkshake maker in the cafeteria was out of order.

The first shooting was reported at
07:15 the second was reported at 09:15.
That's 2 hours of time, Mr Wolf!

The killer, who ended the carnage by shooting himself, has now been identified as 23 year old Cho Seung-hui, originally from South Korea. He has been described by someone, we don't know who, as a 'loner' with 'funny staring eyes'. The informant also claimed, "you always knew he was capable of killing so many people. Always". Cho Seung-hui was in his final year of an English degree and his creative writings have been revealed to be 'violently disturbing' and 'not very good'. Literary critics have pointed out that writing in such a manner does not necessarily mean you will go on a gun toting rampage but police have taken precautionary measures by closely monitoring Iain Banks behaviour, just to be on the safe side.

Iain banks comfortably sips alcohol when people have been shot dead.

The shooting has seen the issue of gun control hit the American Billboard Political Chart top spot, a position enjoyed by 'Iraq: what the hell to do now?' since 2003. Iraq tried but failed to claim the top spot back with reports of a car bomb killing 170. We won't be covering that story, we can't be everywhere at once and America has better fast food.

President Bush tried to shirk the question of gun control by holding a press conference in which he claimed he was 'sad' at events and would love to stay and talk but had a dental appointment. Rabid reporters cornered his exit and fired an arsenal of gun control questions at him. "Look, we don't even know for curtains it was guns that killed these students. I am President of the United States and I haven't seen an autopsy report yet, so neither have you. We should not jump to concussions, and reactively demand gun control. Guns have a lot of friends in high places, it's wise not to piss these people off or you might end up with a cap in yo' ass."

George Bush: explaining the constitutional right of all
Americans to bear a firearm that is bigger than their penis.

The American gun industry is worth millions of dollars to America. In the past decade less than 100 hundred people have been killed in school shootings. Evander Barrellover of Virginia feels it's a price worth paying. He runs a business selling guns out of his home and points out "the constitution, the ink on which is barely dry being 200 years young, gives us the right to bear arms. I only sell firearms to good honest folks wishing to protect their family and property". He then sold us an M16 Assault Rifle for $1000 which we were told would stop, "those black folks, criminals who aren't black folks, Afghans and would even slow down a Terminator".


An American civilian uses an M16 to defend himself from an imminent Terminator attack.

Same Colt Inc, America's premier firearm brand name released a statement defending the industry. "The killer wasn't even American, he doesn't understand that with the great power the amendment gives, comes great responsibility. Besides, if more students at Virginia Tech University had taken advantage of their fundamental right to possess a firearm we wouldn't be faced with a tragedy of this magnitude. That's why we at Sam Colt have introduced a special student offer. With every hand gun we sell to students we shall provide a free ipod".


The gun industry has vowed to prevent
a similar tragedy occurring.

VOICES FROM THE U.S.
Various quotes from high profile Americans on events at Virginia Tech.

U.S. Vice President Dick Cheney: Is there any chance this might have been accidental? It's easier than you think - I recently shot my best friend in the face for God's sake! Well, not for God's sake... it was an accident... you know what I mean...


Cheney.

Marine Sergeant, John Johnson McLibertine: Students at our fine American Educational establishments may want to reflect at this time on a career in the American Marine Corps. After all, they're likely to encounter friendly fire anyway, they might as well get some armour for when it happens.

Army Recruitment Officer, Captain Jack Eagle: This is such a tragic waste of young talent. This kid single handedly racked up 30 odd confirmed kills on non-combatants in a few hours. We've struggled to find that sort of kill ratio since Rambo left for the monastery.

NRA supporter and famous person, Charlton Heston: The important thing is we don't jump the gun and attribute this atrocity to guns. You could quite as easily go out and brick 30 people to death. I'd like to see the people who demand gun control demand brick control if that happened. They'd look even more idiotic than they do now. People kill people and if they're going to use guns to do it then more power to them, I say.


Heston is rumoured to be remaking Ben hur.

Former Vice President, Al Gore: What's that? A school shooting? Someone's already made a documentary about that, unless global warming did this one? Did it? No? Well if you'll excuse me I have some glaciers to save.

Iran avoided a major international issue today by releasing 15 British toddlers that had been held captive for 13 days. The brave blossoming Brits were captured after allegedly straying too close to Iranian Lego blocks while at nursery in Tehran. The children, ages 1 1/2 to 3 were fed a despairing diet of fruit, vegetables and meat and dressed embarrassingly in non-designer clothes.

The media received drawings seemingly drawn by the children showing them to be safe and happy in the hands of the captors. Art experts studied the drawings claiming that they featured too much detail to be drawn by a child in the age group concerned and they were quite obviously the handiwork of an artistically accomplished adult.

Other media games the captors played was to release a video of the children laughing and smiling as a masked man performed a magic show for them. The reality of the situation being that this was no ordinary magic show but one where the children had been threatened with the prospect of one the group actually being sawn in half.

Letters were also made available to the press which were quite clearly not written by the children. Everyone knows British children are not taught to read and write until they're 17. Below is an example of the propagandistic letters that were written under the children's names.

Only now that the toddlers have been set free and allowed to recount their ordeal has the true horror they were exposed to been revealed. For entertainment they were made to watch Iran's premier kids cartoon "Durpa Durpa Detective". The children also fell victim of cruel pranks such as "smell the cheese" and "pull my finger".

Dear Dialling Tone,

I am in a position of public responsibility and am considered a pillar of the community to many. Part of my devotion to my boss stipulates that I don't have sex. However I have had a couple of relationships with girls who come to my place of work and embarrassingly one of them has turned up buried underneath the church I work in. I'm scared that the media heat this will bring will force me to confess that I've had relations with the girl. I could lose my cushy job out of this.

Father Gerry Nugent.

Dear Father Gerry Nugent,

First of all I'd like to congratulate you on still going strong and banging chicks at 63. I suppose that's what a life of abstinence will do for you, eh? (wink, wink). In many ways you've done nothing wrong here, everyone should use their employment position to seduce naive women. Of course it's unfortunate that this one was naive enough to wind up murdered... Don't worry Father, you are in the perfect position here. Lie your bollocks off to the media, pop into a confessional, confess then give yourself a Hail Mary and Bob's your Holy Spirit's uncle: you're absolved!

Dear Dialling Tone,

On a recent business weekend away in Eastern Europe I decided to make my Western money work for me and completely defiled a 15 year old prostitute in Hunter S Thompson proportions for the cost of what a pint of milk is over here. It was great fun, she let me do things my wife never does no matter how tanked up I get her. My only regret is that I didn't use any protection, what if I've got something off this filthy whore? My wife throws a wobbler if I leave socks lying on the bedroom floor, I'd hate to imagine her reaction if I gave her the clap or the AID's.

Regrets I've got a few, exploiting foreign poverty is not one of them.

Dear Regrets,

I honestly wouldn't worry about it. You went away, had a great time, probably extended the shelf life or your marriage by getting to do all the things your wife is to prudish to do. As long as there isn't green gunk oozing out of your member you don't have anything to be concerned about. Besides, people don't catch sexually transmitted diseases when on holiday. Silly.

A shock discovery was made as some archaeologists dossed about inside a Jerusalem cave today. A skeleton that they found has been confirmed as being the skeleton of Jesus H. Christ. Lead archaeologist Theodore Rutteround said, "At first we thought it was just an extremely old and well preserved skeleton, but then a member of the expedition noticed the hole through the wrists, ankles and rib cage and scores on the skull. It made me feel kind of bad about picking up the skull and moving the jaw with my hand while making a comedy voice, as is standard archaeological practise when a skeleton is discovered."

The skeleton was sent for a plethora of scientific tests to determine it's authenticity while the team continued to examine the cave to see if any other clues could be found. The scientific tests dated the skeleton at approximately 2007 years old while the team of archaeologists found the slogan 'Iesus Nazarenus Tempus Verdi' scrawled on the walls, which translates roughly as 'Jesus of Nazareth was 'ere' The clinching piece of evidence was a copy of Jesus' passport which was found under a rock where it seems the King of Kings left it for safe keeping.



Jesus applied for a passport to go on a lads holiday to Tenerife with the disciples, according to the Scripture.

The discovery has sent shock waves around the world as it now seems that the celebration of Easter is probably unholy as it is a false event. All major Christan churches were quick to deny the findings, "We believe these findings are a test of our faith. It is no different from the test that the falsity of evolution represented to us over 100 years ago. For every undeniable proof we find the doubters will create 10 lies to challenge us; for every Turin Shroud there is a Darwin. We are lucky to be given such a test to prove our faith in the Lord, to face up to science's startling evidence or bury our head in the sand. I don't know about you but I'm moving to the coast" said Reverend Dean Hartley of the North Baptist Free Church of Southern North West Atlanta.

The Catholic church were also keen to pour scorn on the findings saying they were 'a load of shit'. Pope Benedict ordered any Catholic who had listened to the story or read about it to say 6000 Hail Mary's. Despite the message from the Vatican ticket sales at the Vatican's premier attraction 'Jesus Land' plummeted by 40% from last years Easter weekend. A leading Catholic Bishop said "These false discoveries will not rock the financial success of the Catholic church,as long as we also have the fear of hell brandish at our followers our financial security is assured."



Jesus Land: normally a hell of a place.

Chocolate giant Cadburys were also defiant about the effect the findings will have on business. A representative said, "We are confident that people don't celebrate Easter to worship Jesus, they celebrate it to eat Chocolate like some sort of human pig. As long as the Easter Bunny isn't photographed on a crack binge with Kate Moss we are not overly concerned."

RESEARCH SHOWS: YOU NEED TO GET A LIFE

The world's number one research team T.U.R.D. (Tangent Unit for Researching Demographics) has been hard at work recently and can now present to you an exclusive and astonishing discovery (which the headline may have gave away...) - you need to get a life.



Obviously The Tangent and TURD are aware that a life is a very abstract concept, some of the team even made it to Polytechnic colleges so some of us have intellects that could be described as 'above average'. What some people may consider a worthwhile endeavour may well be something others will pour scorn on. Incidentally, pouring scorn on things has been deemed a worthwhile endeavour as it is frikkin' entertaining. Below is a complex formula the TURD team devised to explain how a life is obtained.

U - C + WE = L

Key:
U = You.
C = Crap things you do.
WE = Worthwhile endeavour.
L = Life.

The complex formula presented above will probably be too difficult for some of our readership to understand so we have devised a simpler way of working out if you have a life or not.The more of the following situations applicable to you, the less of a life you have.

1. All of your friends are people you work with ie people paid to be in the same room as you.
2. Your idea of 'trying something different for a change' involves drinking in a different Weatherspoon's pub.
3. You tell people you are a big fan of band 'x'. You tell people they are your favourite band. In reality you only own the Greatest hits and you bought it for £7.77 while in ASDA doing your weekly shop.
4. You rule out potential holiday destinations if they involve going to countries that are not hot.
5. You can differentiate one Coldplay song from another.

There are also two gender specific questions that the TURD team have devised.

6. Male: You know the names of every footballer in the British leagues.
Female: You know the screen and real names of all the actors and actresses in all UK soaps. Even that one on Channel 5.
7. Male: A number 3 all over is the longest you've grown your hair. And you felt like a hippy.
Female: The closest you've come to colouring your hair was aged 3 when you were flailing your arms about while holding crayons.

The Tangent and TURD advise readers not to panic if they have just discovered they have no life. As long as your lack of life is sorted out within 7 days you can enjoy a happy tenure on this mortal coil. Help is at hand with the launch of The Tangent branded 'Emergency Get A Life Kit'. To acquire your must have kit please send a cheque for £13.46 to The Editor, Tangent Towers, Youknowwhere. Allow 28 days for delivery.


Inferior branded ways to get a life, trust Tangent - quality assured.

Vanessa weighs into the size 0 debate that has gripped those interested in fashion like skin grips a supermodel's ribcage. "People shouldn't try to become what the media portrays as perfection. It's important people be themselves and realise they are beautiful for who they are. Take me for example, I could stand to lose a bit of weight - maybe a pound or two. But I have never had a shortage of admirers. No matter what body type you have there will always be men around with a fetish for it, whether you have breasts smaller than a 10 year old boys or a belly bigger than Ruby Wax pregnant with a fully grown Bernard Manning. I know, 10,000 admiring men subscribe to my live webcam and most just want me for myself and for me to flap about in a bath making whale noises."

THE TANGENT: AN APOLOGY

On April 1st we ran with the story "Tangent editor gunned down in Iraq". This story caused a lot of concern (nearly three email reached The Tangent news desk yesterday and only one was for viagra pills). The story was intended as an April Fools prank but very quickly got out of hand. The editor's life insurance policy has been cancelled on the grounds of 'the policy does not cover acts of war - declared or otherwise". And the editor's wife wasted no time in hopping into bed with his brother in a fit of mourning and horn. More devastating than both of these was who had been lined up to replace the editor. Fresh from making 12 year olds in America cry on national TV, Piers Morgan was set to step in and become the 2nd editor of The Tangent.


"I'll make your kid cry too if you're not careful".

The Tangent would like to apologise to the nation for the prank and ask that the editor's wife is gone by the time the ed gets home and leaves her keys on the mantelpiece, Filthy skank whore.

TANGENT EDITOR GUNNED DOWN IN IRAQ

Tragedy struck Tangent towers today as news filtered through that the inaugural editor of The Tangent was gunned down by a US fighter jet while on a journalistic jaunt to Iraq. The US fighter plane opened fire after mistaking the editor for an Iraqi battletank. The US senate released this statement concerning the tragedy, "It is regrettable that a seemingly innocent member of the associated free press has been killed in friendly fire. But in our defence he wasn't wearing the orange panels that we require to denote allies and he may have had WMD's up his sleeve."


Left: the deceased editor. As a mark of respect we shall not be printing the really gruesome pictures, like the next frame where his head is blown off and you see brain goop all over the wall. Right: an Iraqi tank. Not much difference, eh?

The US senate initially refused to give a transcription of the pilots conversation before the attack, so in the spirit of our deceased editor we decided to fake it.

Pilot A: "We seem to have an eye-raqi battletank about 35,000 feet below us."
Pilot B: "Think we should toast the motherfucker?"
Pilot A: "Well we're not here to win any friends, are we?"
Pilot B: "Are you sure it's a tank, Chad? It looks a bit feeble for a tank..."
Pilot A: "That's because we're winning the war so good, Charlie is heavily depleted."
Pilot B: That's true, but I'm fairly certain it's just some scrawny indie looking kid."
Pilot A: "Look if I let you hold the gear stick and pick the weapon will you quit whining?"
Pilot B: "You know me so well, Dad"
Pilot A: "wha...?"
Pilot B: "I said Chad."
Pilot A: "Ok, good. Right we used the missiles on that school an hour ago...."
Pilot B: "We got any napalm?"
Pilot A: "Oh old skool, fraid not though. After 'Nam is a tad frowned upon."
Pilot B: "Fucking bureaucrats."
Pilot A: Hurry up and make a decision, this enemy could take us out the sky any minute. I don't know about you but I want to see my childhood sweetheart again - and skull fuck her."

There is then some difficulty in hearing the tape through a hail of gun fire. When the tape comes back on the American fighter pilots realise that they have made a huge mistake.

Pilot B: "Shit, Chad. That's no eye-raqi battletank, it's a human being - and not even an Asian one. What are we going to do?
Pilot A: We're protecting our country out in this sandy shit-hole; our government will protect us right back. Don't worry. Can you hold the fort here? I'm off for a dump.

With that conversation ends and all the tape picks up are the gentle hum of motor engine and the occasional whine of a man constipated.

Today the Union Jack at Buckingham Palace will fly at half mast. It's not for the ed, it's for Sir Henry Furrington III who was eaten by a dodo while exploring Madagascar in the 17th century but spiritually it's for the ed.

The Tangent would welcome all donations for the deceased ed to set up a trust fund for his 3 oh so hungry children and 6 ex wives. Also he travelled without health insurance and we need to raise funds to bring his bullet riddled corpse home.