BIG BROTHER SNEAK PEAK

Johnny - The 25 year old dancer from Liverpool is a self-confessed lad. "I'm crazy me, I've been known to take my clothes on in public places. That's just a little measure of how crazy I'll be in this house. If the spirit takes me I may give one of the girls a poostache while they sleep. Way-hay!

Donnie - Donnie is a 19 year old transgendered claustrophobic with vampiric tendencies. How will he cope with being cooked up in the Big Brother house? Especially seen as this years house is 800% smaller than previous houses.

Ronnie - Ronnie is a unashamed homophobe. There's sure to be fireworks between him and the queers. He is pretty though.

Damien - Damien promises to brings flamboyant practical jokes to the house. Some of his finest practical jokes include getting his maid to hang herself from his mansion, directing a church spire through a Priest's head and causing a nasty accident at a chemical plant. There won't ever be a dull moment in the house with Damien about. He also says believers in God are doomed. Ow, touchy.

Dobin - This Londoner runs a successful consultancy business. Already a millionaire he is going on Big Brother to show that being a horse shouldn't hold you back from making achievements in life. "I've never let being a horse hold me back from anything. Often in the business world people see me and make judgements that I'll be susceptible to sugar bribes, or dump on the floor. But I always win them over with my dedication, commitment and dedimitment." Dobin starts Big Brother as the clear favourite.

Arthur - The oldest housemate in Big Brother history, Arthur (88) needs constant care and attention. He needs all meals cooked for him and lost the ability to take himself to the toilet before most of the other housemates were born. His daily dialysis treatment is sure to get on the other housemates nerves. Arthur says he would have sex on camera if the opportunity arose.

Xtopher - Xtopher (or T-pic) hails from Grimsby's mean streets. He's an underground hip hop DJ. T-pic has entered the house as there's some 'heat' on him for a drive-by in Grimsby. Could we say the first homicide arrest in Big Brother history?

Glenda - The busty 18 year old blonde boasts that she's bedded 84 men and hopes to make it 90 by the end of the Big Brother experience. And then 91 after meeting Russell Brand. You've got to admire a girl with ambition.

Connie - Connie is a devout Christian who spends an average of 4 hours praying a day. She has a strict no sex policy and as such spends 5 hours a day masturbating furiously.

TX - The TX consists of an advanced poly liquid alloy covered in living tissue. The TX has the ability to remotely control most machines but is contractually obliged not to interfere with Big Brother recording equipment. Quite an off the wall character her auditions tape consist of her telling how she wants to enter the Big Brother house to destroy the future leader of the resistance, Johnny.

Lucy - Lucy prides herself on being a down to earth girl who promises to just 'be herself' for the duration of the show. As such she is favourite to be evicted first.

Alice and Mavis - Alice and Mavis are conjoined twins hailing from Sussex. They are conjoined at the head but have chosen to enter the contest as two separate contestants. Despite being joined at the napper they have distinctly different personalities, Mavis on the left is an upbeat outgoing character while Alice is shy and reserved and permanently worried that people are talking about her behind her back.

Helga - The Polish asylum seeker came over to the UK after Poland joined the EU because British Big Brother pays better than the Polish version where the top prize is a brand new donkey. Helga hopes to scoop the top prize and return to Poland to help her poor family. The Tangent would like to hope that the great British public won't let a foreigner walk off with a generous cash prize and take it out the country.

As you can see this year's housemates promise to be the craziest bunch ever. When you couple this with this year's small house which has seen a team of 25 designers spend over £30 million to create a house that looks like and has all the functionality of a shed, Big Brother 8 looks set to be the wackiest one yet!

Labels: May 2007

Despite diluted warnings (dash of lemonade please, barkeep) Public Health Minister Caroline Flint is buoyant that the labels will help reduce the amount of alcohol related deaths, mishaps and crap shags. "We are going to tackle the problems alcoholism poses this country head on, like being nutted in a bar brawl. We'll follow the lead of the cigarette industry and apply these labels. If they are not successful we will look to follow the lead of the cigarette industry further and have a public ban on drinking alcohol in pubs. We will succeed here."


A man sitting outside a pub not drinking, this could become a reality in Britain.

Don Carprone, respected city 'business man' is pleased by the new measures, "anything that aims to decline legal smoking and drinking is good with me. It helps push the whole industry underground... erm I mean it helps people avoid dying early and being put underground. Yeah, that's right."

Labels: May 2007

Labels: May 2007

Labels: May 2007

Labels: May 2007

BRITISH GIRL MISSING MILES AWAY FROM BRITAIN

Nothing brings the country together quite like a football World Cup or child abduction. So seen as it's 3 and a bit years before England disappoint on the world stage again we should all get excited about the next great British manhunt. This time on tour.

Madeleine McCann went missing from a Portuguese resort two weeks ago. From the beginning it was quite clear that normal police resources wouldn't be enough to assist in a safe passage home for the 4 year old so the British tabloid press descended in their droves to cover the story, assist in enquiries and generally get in the way.

At The Tangent we like to pride ourselves on reporting the facts of a story and not getting caught up in the sort of sleaze our peers throw around. Like those ugly chaps on The Scum. You'll find none of that petty nonsense going on here. Below are some examples of the desperate and pathetic headlines our rivals have lowered themselves too.


Some of the despicable coverage.

Many of the journalists we spoke to at press conferences have been derogatory towards the Portuguese police officers investigating the abduction. One Daily Mail journalist expressed to us his concern that most of the force don't speak English, "How the hell are we supposed to get interview quotes when they don't speak the Queen's English? Heck, have you noticed they don't even use the pound over here? Their currency is like bloody monopoly money."

One under pressure Sun journalist claimed he was on the brink of 'inventing copy'. "I've got Rebekah Wade chomping at my balls. She told me I better have something exciting to report of she'll haul my arse back here and send out the next journo in line. She told me Ross Kemp will make me toothless. I need an angle, you got an angle man? Paedophile ring? Islamic Fundamentalists? Barrymore?"


Barrymore: not a suspect. Ross Kemp: tougher than nails and more sensitive.

Journalists from many of the other leading British tabloids claimed they are becoming increasingly frustrated by the Portuguese Police Force's apparent desire to chase leads rather than stop and conduct in depth press conferences.

Police are chasing a few leads and have one confirmed suspect, though the person may have declared themselves as a suspect under Portuguese as the status brings the person certain rights. Contrary to initial newspaper reports Gurat Beholvin, a fine young law abiding junior Priest had nothing to do with the abduction and the media sort of jumped the gun on that one. Apologies go out to his family and we hope he can soon return to eating solids. It turns out you just can't control a mob lynching.

The tabloids have been quick to offer rewards for information, in the belief that their readership will only act in the interests of a child's safety when offered monetary gain. We had a quick whip round Tangent Towers and can offer anyone with relevant information £8.52, a dashing but broken fob watch and half a Tuna Crunch Gregg's sandwich. If you do have information you might be best off contacting the Sun...

Or even better call Crimestoppers on (UK): 0800 555 111. (international): 44 1883 731 336.

Labels: May 2007

TENURE'S OF TONY

Tony Blair has announced he will step down as Prime Minister after ten years (that headline apparent yet?). This would be a quite shocking and newsworthy development if the whole country hadn’t been waiting for it to happen for the past year or so. It now seems certain that Gordon Brown will takeover as Prime Minister as no other Labour Party member has challenged his leadership. One Labour backbencher exclusively told us that Brown has went unchallenged after threatening to ‘come round and duff up’ anyone who stands in his way.

Brown's so mean, he gets fat while Africans starve.

Being a tabloid we don't want to get involved in long critical analysis of Tony’s leadership, we would much prefer to focus on everything apart form how he ran the country. Besides, Tony's initial promise was education, education, education and he has came through on his pledge, 90% of all toddlers now meet British University entry requirements and I done no I got gooder educashion.

Tony swept to power in 1997 as New Labour fulfilled his vision of hoodwinking the middle classes just as much as Old Labour hoodwinked the working classes. Cunningly he was able to rely on the traditional labour working class vote by being seen to like Oasis and supporting fashionable football team of the moment Newcastle United.

"I can play barre chords."
"Jeez, you got one up on me, man."

Never one to let bad press affect him, Tony put the shambles of the Millennium Dome to good use by hiding all his other little misdemeanours in it’s expansive walls. As such the Iraq war, dodgy intelligence reports, David Kelly’s corpse, the Northern Ireland peace process, illegal immigrants and David Blunkett can all be found locked in there.

Dome blueprints

In 2005 Tony Blair finally realised his long term rock and roll ambitions by making a huge amount of money on the back of a charity record. Tony was seen by many as the perfect choice to deliver the preachy ramblings of ‘Do They Know It’s Christmas?” but was surprisingly overlooked for the more sedate and decidedly less sexy choice of Coldplay’s Chris Martin. Tony managed to get a production credit though and hung around with Bono and Bob Geldof for a bit involving them in ludicrous bets that Tony always won. One such bet will see Bob Geldof’s daughter Teeny Weeny Itsby Bitsy Flumpul Janet marrying one of Tony’s sons in 2010.

Family life was always at the forefront of Tony’s operation. He was often seen pictured with his children unless they were embarrassing him outside nightclubs. Tony leaves as the countries most virile PM having conceived 18 children during his premiership. Such was Tony's powers, at the peak of his premiership he was capable of getting women pregnant without sleeping with them. Like God but more accountable.

The Family Blair.

The last few years of Tony’s leadership were spent on auto-pilot as the Tory’s were still a laughable alternative to a war government that had been caught lying frequently and botched up social schemes with hilarious results (unless you got a tax credits over payment notification in the post).

Tony’s last act as Prime Minister was to win a dance off against Michael Flatley while solving global warming with his seismic dance steps.

Michael Flatley can walk through fire but he can't out dance Tony Blair.

Tony Blair the British JFK who got out with his brains still inside his head (reportedly).

Labels: May 2007

PARIS HILTON FIGHTS THE LAW AND THE LAW WINS

Paris Hilton has been sentenced to spend 45 nights in jail where conditions are said to be so vile, pungent and disgusting it rivals spending one night in Paris. Paris was sent to prison for driving while under the influence of alcohol while already serving a motoring ban. She said of the sentence, "I was aware of the laws regarding this behaviour but I didn't think they applied to rich people. What sort of world do we live in when the rich and famous are subject to the same laws as the poor and faceless?"


Paris running with the chain gang.

The young socialite, actress, singer, hotelier heiress was quick to reaffirm to her legion of fans that this wouldn't end her career. 10s of dense pre-teen girls everywhere are said to have breathed a collective sigh of relief. "I hope that the experience can inspire me to further my music career. Johnny Cash recorded a great album at Folsom Prison, so it can be done. Also my agents are in talks with Hollywood producers for a film to be made about the story and if the prison allows it I'd like to film a relaity show called the 'Really Simple Life' looking at the everyday aspects of life in prison."


Paris in her most famous role. Playing an easily
led dumb blonde who can't give a decent blow job.

Britain's own Paris Hilton, Chantelle is looking forward to cashing in on Paris's imprisonment. The Celebrity Big Brother winner says, "The world can not survive without Paris for so long, 45 days is like years, innit? I'm here to stand in and go to Hollywood shindigs so the gossip columns of the glossy mags I like don't dry up."


Someone once told Chantelle she
looks vaguely like Paris. They lied.

The Biz Bollocks salutes your fine efforts Chantelle but fears that you can never replace Paris Hilton in our hearts, so we have launched a Free Paris Campaign and will release a single reworking The Special AKA hit Free Nelson Mandela.


The Tangent: righting the wrongs of the world through song.

Labels: May 2007

Labels: May 2007