The Tangent Newspaper

Thursday, 28 June 2007

NEW PM GORDON BROWN FINDS NASTY SURPRISE AS HE MOVES INTO NEW HOME

Dour sack of tatties lookalike Gordon Brown celebrated being made Prime Minister by moving into a plush new house yesterday. However, the celebrations were slightly dampened by the discovery of hidden taxes that have been added onto the moving bill. The move is subject to a 15% stamp duty, a 32.1% subgation charge, an 18% occupational area levy and a 3.6% PssTake tax.

The Tangent June: Gordon Brown takes over from Tony Blair

Gordon explained, "All the hidden costs did kind of spoil the atmosphere slightly, if the charges were upfront I could have budgeted for them. So I'm going to be really hard up until the next pay day. I suppose it's my own fault really, after all I invented all these charges. But I would never have done it if I realised how shitty it feels when you're on the receiving end of them. Either that or I would have implemented a No Gordon's Exemption Clause."

"Always optimistic, in Brown's Britain, we didn't let this shock ruin our big day. The party was really swinging in no time, there were mini sausage rolls wrapped in bacon stuffed in duck for nibbles and Starship on the wireless. The party waged way into the wee small hours, the last guest left at 9.30pm."

Like Tony Blair before him who claimed to be a fan of Oasis, Brown was quick to win cool points with the younger generation by aligning himself with a popular rock combo. From 1985.

Ever shrewd over financial matters, Gordon revealed he plans to recoup his losses by doing the place up a bit and selling it on for a packet to David Cameron in a couple of years."

David Cameron, the better looking alternative to Gordon Brown.

"I've had my one good eye on this property for a while, it has bags of potential and charm. With a little bit of modernisation I think I'll be able to make a healthy profit on it in when I sell up."

The Tangent June: Gordon Brown moves into number 10 Downing Street
Before and After: Brown's plans to renovate 10 Downing Street.

"Now that carefully regulated fun has been had the serious job of running the country starts. It's time to build Brown's Britain." Quite clearly still with his party head on, Gordon recalled the most (only) famous song of Starship, "We can build this country together, commitment and respect together, nothing is going to stop us now.And if this party runs out of followers we'll always have each other. Nothing is going to stop us now!" After much chin wobbling and fist pumping the new PM disappeared back indoors to make sure he hadn't left the hob on.

Related Articles:
Tony's time at the top
Budget Special
Davie Dope head - Cameron's cannabis abuse

Contact: news@thetangentnewspaper.co.uk

Friday, 22 June 2007

Harriet 24, Gondwana (51.36N, 0.5W)

Harriet is a paelintologist who is always eager to talk about the K-T extinction event, "it's fascinating and the cause of so much dispute in my field. Did the dinosaurs die out gradually or suddenly? I very much believe that the K-T extinction event was a prolonged event and had many contributing factors. The asteroid that struck would have wiped out a lot of species instantaneously, but I don't believe it was the sole cause of such mass extinction.

I think the Deccan traps were the real big event of the extinction, the asteroid is the guy at a party with party poppers - loud and abrasive while the Deccan traps is the charming witty guy who appears unassuming but is all the more devastating for it. The extensive volcanic eruptions will have done some immediate damage (consider this charming guy's effective compliment), the dust would have blocked out sunlight and prevented photosynthesis (consider this charming guy's topping up your wine glass while distracting you with witticisms), sulphur gases would have caused acid rain (consider this charming guy's expensive cologne making your eyes water, causing blinking and making you feel sleepy and ready to go to bed), carbon dioxide emissions would increase the greenhouse effect (consider this as charming guy gradually cranking up the thermostat each time he goes to the toilet, making you lose layers of clothes).

Oh, I also think dinosaurs had polka dot skin, could talk and could breath fire. Rarrrr!

Brain Twanger
Carol Vorderman is:

The Tangent: Carol Vorderman selling you a First Plus loan

A: an intelligent women with a particular talent for mathematics
B: a smug TV star who uses her mathematical reputation to sell you dodgy loans
C: a MILF.

Children of Hitler?
(in that they look like clones not that they support Jewish extermination)
The Tangent: Grey's Anatomy's George O'Malley

The Tangent: Grey's Anatomy's George O'Malley

The Tangent: Former Eastender Lynne Slater

George O'Malley: character in that American medical show that doesn't know if it wants to be ER or House and former Eastender Lynne Slater who doesn't know if she has a career left.

Spot the Difference

Below are two near identical pictures of former TV star Michael Barrymore keeping guard over a swimming pool. Can you spot the subtle difference in the pictures and do you think the negligence depicted should lead to a criminal conviction?

The Tangent: Barrymore attends the swimming pool

The Tangent: Barrymore attends the swimming pool with disastrous consequences

Tuesday, 19 June 2007

The Biz Bollocks with Lucy Lighthead: The Tangent

BERNARD MANNING: DEAD FUNNY

Controversial comedian Bernard Manning died this week at the age of 76. Family members told the press that Bernard had a peaceful and comfortable death, sexually harassing the nurses and throwing racial slurs at the Doctors.

Bernard grew up in one of Manchester's most deprived areas so developed a keen sense of prejudice from an early age. He would often physically torture younger Asian children using hot lighter flints while groups of his friends looked on laughing. It was this approval that led Bernard to a career in comedy, "All I want to do is make people laugh. I tell jokes. You never take jokes seriously."

Bernard Manning performs to Muhammad Ali and Malcolm X

A young Manning warms up civil rights activists in 1964 before the Headliner Malcolm X takes to the stage.

Untrue to his word Bernard took being sent up by Brass Eye's Chris Morrison in 1997 rather undignified. Calling Morrison a f**king s****y c*nt sucking, a**e rimming d**k turd. In a Tangent poll of what was funnier, Bernard Manning intentionally or Bernard Manning being foolish on Brass Eye, it was a unanimous decision that Chris Morrision made Bernard Manning look funnier than Bernard Manning ever could.

Bernard Manning being made to look foolish on Chris Morrison's Brass Eye

One little kiddie on cake cried all the water out of his body.

A memorial service will take place shortly for Bernard where a tombstone will be erected that has a tiny inscription requested by the dead comic, viewers will have to stand really close to the grave to read the message, "get off my balls". There will also be a message in even tinier writing just for the non-white community that will encourage them to go really close to the tombstone to be able to see the message, "get off my patch and back to your own country".

RIP Bernard Manning, one of Britain's most controversial and funny comedians. Last heard telling a joke in 1974.

Friday, 15 June 2007

BARRYMORE BUGGERY BONANZA

TV's most exciting 'will he, won't he' since Friends Ross tried to shag Rachel was reignited this week when Michael Barrymore was taken in for questioning concerning the death of party reveler Stuart Lubbock. So will he or won't he go to jail? The OJ crystal ball of justice says:

The tangent June 2007: Oj Simpson crystal ball of guilt

Stuart Lubbock died in suspicious circumstances in 2001 after an evening of drugs, debauchery and Right Said Fred singalongs went wrong. Wronger than an evening of Right Said Fred singalongs normally go. He was found dead in Barrymore's swimming pool with a massive anal wound that one eye witness claimed 'would swallow a beach ball in one'.

The tangent June 2007: anus and beachball

To scale: a standard Beach Ball and the human anus.

Timeline:

7am Stuart Lubbock: After a busy day giving hugs in a local orphanage, Stuart dresses up in his finest clothes hoping to impress the famous party host he'll meet. He calls a cab to take him to Barrymore's mansion.

7am Michael Barrymore: After a busy day spitting on homeless people and sniffing his own money, Barrymore snorts 85 lines of cocaine for dinner and dresses up in lots of furs.

---

8.30am Stuart Lubbock: arrives at Barrymore's mansion, giving the taxi driver a generous tip that he can't really afford to give. Not that any of that matters as Stuart has a sense that his life is about to change tonight, but doesn't realise just how tragic this change will be. He is invited in by Barrymore's doormen, who don't even make minimum wage. Barrymore requests to see all guests for vetting purposes.

8.30 Michael Barrymore: The door men inform him of a Mr Lubbock's arrival and Barrymore asks him to be brought up. He has a quick 15 lines before meeting Stuart for the first time. Barrymore mocks Stuart's 'cheap looking clothes' and his 'pungent cologne' but tells him he can stay IF he responds correctly to Barrymore's next question. Barrymore says, 'alwight?'. Mr Lubbock's answer satisfies Barrymore and Mr Lubbock goes to the main party area.

---

9am-11am Stuart Lubbock: After his ritual chastising by Barrymore Stuart's confidence is low and he sticks to the outskirts of the party, mingling with some other guests who Barrymore's cruel jibes have reduced to tears. The Right Said Fred Greatest Hits CD (available from amazon.com for £1.99) on repeat cheers Stuart up.

9am-11am Michael Barrymore: Revels in the attention of the party goers but is wildly angered by the people sitting at the sides of the party. Egomaniac Barrymore asks himself, 'why the fuck are these losers not worshiping me?'. It is estimated that during these two hours Barrymore consumed a volume of cocaine equivalent to the amount Columbia exports annually.

---

11am-1pm:??????????????? will we ever really know?????????

---

1pm: Stuart Lubbock: floats, lifelessly in Michael Barrymore's swimming pool.

1pm: Michael Barrymore: Discovers Stuart Lubbock dead in his swimming pool, definitely not 'alwight'.

---

Mr Stuart Lubbock's lawyer said of the ongoing saga, "The world can be split into two categories of people. People who have not been buggered to death by TV's Michael Barrymore and people who have been buggered to death by TV's Michael Barrymore. It is my firm belief that Mr Lubbock falls into the second category of people."

The tangent June 2007: Michael Barrymore in swimming pool

The tangent June 2007: Michael Barrymore in swimming pool

Enrolements to Michael Barrymore's swimming lessons have been hit hard by the ongoing scandal.

The case continues.

Saturday, 9 June 2007

NHS UP SHIT CREEK

After the proud government posturing last week that the NHS broke even over the past year, the government has been forced to concede that this is not actually the case. Despite 80,000 nurses, 130,000 cleaning staff and 2 Doctors being sacrificed in a bid to balance the books the NHS not only failed to balance it's books but has blown it's entire budget for the following year.

Fingers are being pointed at Secretary of State for Health, Patricia Hewitt. Large fingers with fousty wounds that haven't been treated. The Tangent has learned that Patricia Hewitt has caused this national crisis after falling for a Nigerian email scam.

"After my ridiculous boasts last year about the NHS having it's best year ever and that I'd solve the NHS deficit or quit my job I had to do something. And while my cunning plan of extending the waiting lists so that no treatments were actually occurring was saving a lot of money it wasn't going to solve a 500 million deficit overnight."
Patricia Hewitt

Patricia has been quick to claim success where she can find it.

"I was desperate and while I was doing research one night on Wikipedia on deficits and how to fix them in a short term sense I received an email from a man called Nikoomba-2000. Mr 2000 claimed he had a large inheritance but due to Nigerian tax law he couldn't get a hold of it so needed a bank account to transfer it through. He contacted me because he knew he could trust me and offered me a percentage that would solve NHS deficit and lead to a £500 million surplus."

"I can tell you, I've never been so excited since Tony Blair fingered me in Westminster, fingered me for the job of Health Secretary. I would not only be hailed as a saviour of the Health Service, better than the people who provide patient care day in day out, but I'd also save my skin and get to plod on incompetantly until the next big ministerial cock up."
Patricia Hewitt under pressure
"I hope this head ache isn't anything serious..."

When asked by our reporter how she could be so monumnetally stupid Patircia claimed, "Mr 2000 seemed so genuine, I believe anybody could have been reeled in by his friendly broken English. And even if I had been dubious, he had a Hotmail account like mine and I remember the rigourous security checks on my identity when I signed up.

Mr 2000 later sent this mocking jpeg to Patricia.

Being a Tabloid we responded in a truly vindictive manner and broke her leg, shouting "see how you like waiting a year for that to be fixed". We then urinated on her.

Related Articles:

http://thetangentnewspaper.co.uk/2006/11/tesco-to-bulldoze-hospitals-low-prices.html

Wednesday, 6 June 2007

BEHIND PARIS

With the time approaching that heiress Paris Hilton will be put in jail (Tangent Article http://thetangentnewspaper.co.uk/2007/05/paris-hilton-fights-law-and-law-wins.html) she has been living life up on the social scene before her brief spell in incarceration.

Before her SUPPOSED spell in incarceration... The Tangent sent out LA reporter Roberta McClucksalot to set up the young socialite and what we found out will shock the world. Paris is involved in possibly the biggest Hollywood publicity stunt since Justine Timberlake bit off Janet Jackson's nipple or Michael Jackson went white or Marliyn Monroe inserted a Coke bottle in Fatty Arbuckle's anus.

Justin Timberlake and Janet Jackson's nipple

THE SET UP

The set up we used on Paris was cunning yet simple, a traditional tabloid set up used since the dawn of tabloid reporting. We took her out and got her drunk. The plan only looked in jeopardy when it became clear that Paris would only drink French Martini's, The Tangent budget looked like being seriously stretched but luckily she can't handle her drink. After 2 French Martini's she was anyones.

THE REVELATIONS

Paris became very comfortable with our undercover reporter very quickly revealing she LIKES to party, has FALLEN out with former best friend Nicole Ritchie and LOVES to laugh at the disabled. These revelations would have been enough to justify another Paris story alone (lets face it, whatever Paris does justifies a Paris story) but it was on the subject of her impending imprisonment that she really let her secrets out.

"It's just a sham, a publicity stunt, a way to win over public sympathy. I'm going in hiding in Montana for the 20 odd days, which is utterly disgusting but as I understand it, not quite as bad as prison."

Our reporter then quizzed Paris as to why she wanted to win public sympathy. "The public really don't like me right now, which I just don't get. Aren't they supposed to like famous screw-ups as it makes them think, 'I'm a screw-up, I could be famous...'? One of my advisor's suggested it's because I'm not humble, that I needed to go through some sort of strife to appeal to the public. So we set up this plan. 20 days in the slammer equals about 20 years of public approval."

"When I get out I plan to be a new Paris, like Milan maybe. You can see me working the angle already, I've been going on about how this has already changed my life etc. When I get out I'm going to do a tour of Africa, be pictured with some really poor people - not just blue collar poor but really fucking poor. Little pot bellied cuties with flies buzzing about their eyes, those sort of poor people."

Coming to a poverty stricken area near you: Paris Hilton.

"People think I'm stupid, that I owe everything to my dad but just you wait... I'm not going to be in Africa to help these poor people, not everyone can be born into wealth you know. I'm going there to expand the Hilton empire, prove to everyone I've got business smarts. Africa really doesn't have a lot of Hilton Hotels, probably because the people there have no money. But big time celebrities are always going over there to hug starving children, people like Bono and Bob Geldof and Madonna and those guys are fucking rich, we could charge them what we like for a room. Think of the add ons, we'd have your basic satellite TV, Jacuzzi and gym facilities but we could offer an all in total Safari experience."

The Hilton Hotel African branch promises to offer that authentic Safari feel.

With that bombshell Paris lost cohesion and started slurring her words, there was talk of a 'Paris Reich' and 'that Ritchie bitch getting what's coming'. The night ended when Paris spewed into her handbag and went off with the Latino barman who couldn't speak a word of English but made more sense than Paris at times.

A vision of the future.

Tuesday, 5 June 2007

C4 TO SCREEN IMAGES OF PRINCESS DIANA OF WALES 'BROWN BREAD'

Channel 4 are set to shock the nation by showing images of the last moments of Princess Diana of Wales life. The broadcaster is no stranger to controversy after bringing us Big Brother racism, being responsible for putting scousers on TV for the first time and giving us a chat show with Lily Savage minus the drag. However, this time they look set to push the boundaries of taste and decency too far.

Channel 4 Brookside Close Jennifer Elison

Brookside: an accurate depiction of Liverpudlian life.

The Private Secretary of Prince William and Harry sent a none too private letter to Channel 4 bosses voicing his concern. In the letter James Lowther- Pinkerton (name not made up for posh affect) asked pertinent questions such as, "would you want it shown if it was your mother?" and "who wants a Knighthood? This is a once in a lifetime offer, abandon the footage and get yourself Knighted".

Mr Lowther - Pinkerton went on to explain his position saying he would prefer if TV would avoid showing ANY programmes involving people who are mothers or people who have, or have had, mothers. "You know what happens when people drag people's mothers into things. I remember at Eton one boy bloodied the nose of a rascal who suggested his mother was a 'hairdresser', and who could blame him? I'd have bloodied his nose myself if he suggested such a thing against the woman who bore me to the world."

Etonites, presumably not making taunts about other people's mothers.

It is a despicable concept to show images of the Queen of our Hearts, the Fairytale Princess, the Orphan Toucher Supreme as she fights for life in the Rumble in the Tunnel. Below is an artists impression of just how despicable such an image may look. There must be something seriously sick in the heads of Channel 4 bosses if they think this sort of thing is acceptable.

"One is not amused."

The Tangent proposes a boycott of all Channel 4 programming until the C4 bosses who approved this programme collaborate on a rendition of Candle in the Wind and release it with all proceeds going to The Princess Trust. The only real way to impose our opinions on broadcasters is to abandon their programming to show that we're 'turned off' by what they are currently serving up.

STAY TUNED FOR OUR EXCLUSIVE BIG BROTHER COVERAGE!!!

Channel 4 classic original logo

Say no to Four!

Saturday, 2 June 2007

tangent sport a place to talk balls 2007-2008 football season review

BECKHAM COMES HOME

David Beckham earned a spectacular recall to the England squad this week for the Friendly international against Brazil at the new Wembley. Steve McLaren explained, "I think Beckham is shit. Like really shit but we've been shit without him, so I recalled him to see if we can be less shit even with someone I think is shit. I don't know, maybe I'm shit."

McLaren's foul mouthed press conference helped David talk more elegantly than someone for the first time in his career. "I'm so proud to be recalled to play for my country. I did say I would always be available if England needed me, and boy do they need me right now. It's also an honour to be able to bring my family to the new Wembley stadium because even though I earn about £1million a second even I can't afford to bring the family out for a day at the football, buy them a programme and a burger. Football is still the sport of the working classes, and we should be pleased that the working classes are quite obviously so rich these days."

Multi millionaire David Beckham had to sell his shirt to buy his family a burger at the new Wembley.

SEASON REVIEW

EUROPE

The two best teams in Europe faced off to be crowned Champions of Europe. AC Milan (initially kicked out of this years competition for match fixing during the 90s) beat Liverpool (a team who haven't won their domestic title in over 15 years) with the help of two goals from Filippo Inzaghi (former striker of Juventus, relegated to Serie B for their part in match fixing). The final lived up to the prestige such an occasion merited by being utterly dull.

AC Milan UEFA champions League Winners 2007

Inzaghi, 200 years old but still better than Harry Kewell.

ENGLAND

Manchester United claimed a record 9th Premiership title, eventually beating Chelsea over the line. Alex Ferguson boasted that the victory proved that a well managed team will always be able to overcome the financial muscle of a team like Chelsea. Stand out Manchester United Players were £7.5 million Nimanja Vidic, £30 million Rio Ferdinand, £20 million Michael Carrick, £19 million Christiano Ronaldo and £27 million Wayne Rooney.

Michael Carrick, a snip at just under £20 million.

SCOTLAND

This season saw former Scottish football powerhouse Rangers relegated after finishing second in the two team league they play in. Celtic limped over the finish line as Champions after unofficially having the league wrapped up by October but needing until May to eventually put the finishing touches on the League win. Ranger's relegation will see them play a number of humiliating matches next season against the dross of Scotland's lower leagues such as Motherwell, Dundee United, Inverness Caley Thistle and Gretna FC. Ugh.

Celtic, Nakamura and Neil Lennon against Manchester United

Celtic had much to celebrate, winning the double and enjoying a credible run in the Champions League.

Barry Ferguson of Glasgow Rangers

By contrast the biggest thing barry Ferguson had to celebrate was head butting Paul Le Guen.