Dear Dialling Tone,

I have a rather embarrassing condition which I hope you can help solve. You see, I am a young buck in my prime but I'm just not getting enough lady action. I have a face and stomach that are yet to show the ravages of my binge drinking and have an apprenticeship to drive the girls wild - to literally melt their pants (I'm a trainee welder) but I have a slight condition... concerning my balls. They sweat profusely. I end up leaving snail trails behind me and change my saturated pants up to 5 times a day. I'm far too embarrassed to go to my Doc about this. Do you have a short sighted and crude solution?

(not) In the Pits.

Dear (not) In the Pits,

You're right! I do have a short sighted and crude solution, don't sweat on it (sorry). Pop down to your local Savers, Semi-Sham or Drug n' Gulp and stock up on the antiperspirant that looks like well known brands but with the health warnings in a Sovietesque language. These antiperspirants are both cheap (you'll be buying lots) and contain the most aluminium chloride (you need lots). Also shop about to make sure you find post Chernobyl dated cans for that added something. Apply the antiperspirants liberally to your balls and you'll find your sweat glands will be blocked. This will solve your problems no sweat (my bad, again).

After an incident a while back where I told a young thrill seeker to apply Direct Current to their clitoris I am now legally required to provide possible down sides of my advice. How was I to know just how devastating an effect Direct Current would have on the female genitalia? Anyways, sweating is a natural bodily reaction, like farting or masturbating over pictures of Lindsay Lohan's emaciated frame. You can't prevent the body from perspiring. By blocking up the sweat glands in your balls your body will sweat that moisture through an alternative body part, perhaps a thigh, perhaps an eyeball, who knows? But you have really sweaty balls so you can either repeat the procedure on the next affected area or quit the treatment. Eventually your body's pores will be so blocked that the only place left to sweat from will be your tongue, when you reach this stage of Nirvana you can merely spit your excess sweat into a bucket.

If you stick with my advice you'll come out smelling of roses (last time, promise) and your love life will be on the up in no time.

You should be more supportive to your friend and find a better looking bloke to nail.

Dear Dialling Tone,

As part of some stag celebrations we took the groom-to-be to see some strippers. I got chatting to a pleasant girl in her bra and pants called Candy Cheeks. It turns out she wasn't actually interested in me but was one of the strippers. You can imagine my surprise to find this teenage girl wasn't being swayed by my charm but instead looking to make a quick buck off me. Anyway, I quite fancied her so paid her for a private dance. She laid down the law telling me I couldn't touch, fist her etc which was a real turn off. She even brought a security guy in who sat in the corner. I wasn't very comfortable at all and failed to become erectified during her dance. Is there an ombudsman I can contact regarding a refund?

Flacid Consumer


Dear Flacid Consumer,

Unfortunately there isn't a ombudsman for gentleman's clubs. Despite being the most properly regulated area of the UK sex industry it's still a long way off before it becomes that regulated. However, in a law passed in December 1871 it states that 'any gentleman who negotiates with a lady of the night to receive a stiffy inducing service and fails to recieve his stiffy is entitled to beat said lady of the night to a bloody pulp and force himself upon said lady". Your best bet may be to consider this method of action.

It has been suggested that some men have 'guilt softness'; they may feel bad for their unsuspecting wives at home, or their daughters who they would hate to think of stripping for money, or the stripper whose life has taken her to a place where she bares all for a small fee. Some men may even chastise themselves for their involvement in this. I don't believe men would suffer from a thing like 'guilt softness', not real men anyway. It must have been a pretty crappy dance. Give her a smack in the face for me.

After an incident a while back where I gave professional wrestler Chris Benoit advice on how to spice up his love life I have been informed by my editor that offering advice advocating violence is not to be done. Do not beat up this or rape this stripper, there may be drastic consequences - she could hit you back or fall pregnant.

Former Eastenders actor Mike Reid has died from a suspected heart attack. His agent held back tears when reading the statement "I'm really upset, with Mike gone I might have to become Freddie Starr's agent. And he's a knob."

Mike was a petty criminal in his youth with aspirations to control the London mob. After a brief spell in Brixton prison and the realisation that his close friends Ronnie and Reggie Kray had the gangland scene pretty much tied up (as well as hung up, beat up and cut up) Mike embarked on a career in showbiz.

His first showbiz break was playing Roger Moore's stunt double in The Saint. Mike later explained in his autobiography 'Being Frank' that he stood in for Moore away from the screen too, "Roger was gettin' pussy flung at 'im like a dart board gets darts flung at it. He'd let me stand in and give it to the less attractive ones. I'd assure them I was Roger by explaining that the camera adds 10 pounds. Of ugliness!'

Mike moved into comedy but switched to acting when it quickly became apparent he wasn't very funny. He became a household name for his acting despite it also quickly becoming apparent that he couldn't act. The part he will be most remembered for was Frank Butcher in Eastenders, playing the character who committed to a life of sex with fat Pat.

The BBC have expressed their best wishes to Reid's family and honoured the man in the most fitting way they can, "We are extremely upset that Frank... erm Mike has died. Who are we going to bring back now when ratings decline? Dirty Den's definitely, definitely dead and Grant's planning on becoming the British Montel..."

Never before has a book been written that so misrepresents the British spirit. William Golding's famous novel follows the story of a group of schoolboys who are stranded on a desert island. Anyone who understands the great British spirit would expect a bunch of Brits who find themselves on an island to start colonising the world round about them. Instead the boys quickly descend from order and rules into tribal savagery.


There's a lot of supernatural mumbo jumble with pig heads talking to little boys and children being terrorised by an unspecified evil that lurks in the darkness. The book builds up the tribal savagery hinting towards some exciting event that never transpires. Ralph, one of the main characters even acknowledges the stories failure to entertain the reader when he tells the captain at the end, "Only two people died."

Golding attempts to sculpt allegory and irony into his fiction. The savage society led by the deranged despot of Jack Merridew, assisted by the cruel minister of punishment Roger aims to show the downside of a society that rejects democracy. But the appeal of the savages captivate the reader, with their hunting and face painting and wild parties and feasts. Whereas the other's rules and voting and importance on giving people the right to speak is a bit dull. Ralph bleats on about the importance of keeping a fire going throughout the novel. As the savages hunt Ralph at the end they set fire to the forest in an effort to 'smoke him out'. The smoke attracts the attention of a nearby ship and the boys are rescued before anything interesting becomes of the hunt. Golding's clumsy attempt at irony falls short, sure Ralph was right about the fire but what is Golding suggesting? That the boys should have torched the whole island in the beginning?

These novels based on hit TV shows are so clever. They grip fans of the show, tell them a story around the crude characters sketched out in hour long programmes and don't advance the plot of the show in any way. So basically, if you like a show and don't read the novel's based on the show you miss out on nothing!

J.P Herpmire crafts a scary adventure within the Lost framework that says lots of stuff and things about mankind. Much more terrifying than Golding's 'stick sharpened at both ends' is Herpmire's use of the TV shows black smokey monster (Lostzilla). The paranormal aspect is sure to please fans of all genres such is it's intrigue.

Herpmire is the master of irony, as can be seen when Locke Stumbles across a McDonalds in the forest. Locke remarks to himself, "Typical! Just after you get full on wild berries and wild boar a McDonalds turns up with a 'Free Burgers for Baldies' special." There is also a subtle subtextual warning about the endless expansion of capitalism.

Better than all of this is the 4 Lost stickers that come with the book.

x10
10 Tangents of out 12 - holoclost!

Tony Blair thanked all concerned with the investigation, "I'd like to thank the police force who left no stone unturned in this investigation. Especially the ones with massive bungs under them. I'd like to thank the great British public, who despite becoming increasingly disillusioned with the Government I brought them were stupid enough to give me a massive majority two more times to do what the hell I liked. Most of all I'd like to thank God because he's the guy I'd have been passing the buck too if any wrong doing did emerge in this investigation. Mainly, I'm just relieved that no Doctors had to be killed in the making of this whitewash."

Lord Levy appeared outside his house with a grin so big and booming it would cost the same amount as an honour to have it made by plastic surgery. "I haven't been this happy since I bought my peerage" he said.

Opposition leader David Cameron was quick to point to the £1million of tax money the investigation has cost. "Once again the Labour Government has forced the tax payer to pay for an unsatifactory investigation. Questions still remain. The money spent on this investigation could have bought several peerages."

Head of the Metropolitan Police, Sir Ian Blair, defended the outcome and cost of the investigation, "People will always accuse the police of not doing their job and playing cover-up. But think about it, Dr David Kelly, John Charles De Menezes and now the cash for honours probe. We couldn't have deliberately whitewashed these investigations, we're just not organised enough."

In the aftermath of the investigation Scotland Yard are set to launch an investigation into whether Scotland Yard accept 'Cash for Whitewashing". The investigation is expected to run until Harry Potter and his Enchanted Zimmerframe is released in 2054, cost £8trillion and prosecute no-one.

Hooray! The Tangent is one year old this month. Since we started there have been 15,000 hits to the site EVERY SECOND!!! Granted some of the clientele are not who we were trying to reach... a delve into out records show that we have had hits from people who typed into search engines, "escort agencies in Blackpool", "black guy shagging my wife" and the office favourite "I want a threesome with Shilpa Shety and my sister in law"

There was also an awards ceremony that your favourite online tabloid swept the board at. The winners are detailed below.

Most fascist coverage - The Tangent.

Best tabloid problem page - Dear Dialling Tone.

Best boobs in tabloid land - Page 3 Loverly.
Biggest Big Brother coverage - The Tangent.

Most cute tabloid editor - The ed.

As you can see, The Tangent has been the best Tabloid in Britain for the duration of it's existence - conclusively and without bias. We would like to thank everyone involved with the production of the Tangent and of course we would like to save the most gracious thank you for the people that The Tangent just couldn't survive without, the most loyal and important people to the whole operation - the advertisers.

After the awards ceremony the Tangent team attended a fancy dress where we dressed as such wacky characters as a nazi soldier, Ian Huntley, Osama Bin Laden and Chris Benoit. Everyone enjoyed the party and commented on how good a sense of humour the whole Tangent crew had.

BBC APOLOGISE OVER MISLEADING QUEEN FOOTAGE

The BBC have been forced to make a groveling apology to Her Maj Nads after a young BBC journalist edited footage of her for a documentary in a misleading way. In the edited footage the Queen appeared to storm out of a meeting after being asked to remove her crown or 'jewel helmet'. In the unedited footage the Queen orders the beheading of the person who asked her to remove her crown before slapping some Chinese school children while Philip eggs her on.

A Windsor spokesman said, "The Queen does not appreciate having her actions made to look different from what they were. The BBC made the Queen look like a huffy old women instead of the crazed, racist despot she really is."

"This is a one off mistake, just like the Blue Peter fake phone-in and the Guy Goma incident. Here at BBC we pride ourselves on the sincerity and truth about out programming. We have a long history of delivering quality unbiased reporting. Due to the unique way the BBC is funded any fines we receive for dodgy output comes out of your license money, which is pretty damn lucky. We do not intend to mislead viewers but accept that mistakes do happen and appreciate the public's patience and understanding when they do, just like we are patient and understanding when members of the public avoid paying their license."

The Queen accepted the apology but much like Des Lynam will now only be appearing on ITV.

Related Articles:
C4 to screen images of Princess Diana's death.
Blue Peter fake contest
The cost of the Queen.

Contact: News@TheTangentNewspaper.co.uk

To coincide with the life sentences handed out to the failed London 21/7 bombers Monopoly makers are set to release a controversial new variant on the classic board game. The 'Botched Terrorist Attacks Monopoly' iteration will feature specially themed squares, pieces and cards that relate to acts of failed terrorism.

On the board game box Mr Monopoly (or Rich Uncle Pennybags) has been omitted for a disgruntled looking Osama Bin Laden (or Rich Uncle Oildrums). The 4 train stations of traditional Monopoly make way for Glasgow Airport, Stockwell Tube Station, a number 26 bus in Hackney Road and Shepards Bush Tube Station. The water works and electricity utility squares have been replaced by a Boots the Chemist and a Maplin Electronics in recognition of where amatuer terrorist buy their materials. Other famous board locations will be replaced with areas the failed 21/7 bombers passed through while trying to escape. The 'Free Parking' Square becomes 'Pakistani Terror Training Camp'

The playing pieces have been expertly crafted to have resonance with the world of failed terrorism. Pieces include A fire Damaged Jeep Cherokee in reference to the Glasgow Airport attacks and a shoe with explosives in reference to shoe bomber Richard Reid.

The Community Chest and Chance cards will also be themed as the example below illustrates.

Hasbro/Parker Brothers/Waddingtons or whoever the hell makes Monopoly these days have denied the new theme is in bad taste saying, "by playing this version of Monopoly we show any would be terrorists that we are not afraid, that we shall not alter our daily routines and that great British humour can triumph over terror." When The Tangent put it to him that maybe better foreign policy and tighter security could be more effective in the war on terror than humour, Mr P. Bags declined to comment and handed us a card that said, "Go back to Old Kent Road"

The Tangent has discovered that the makers have made a move sure to outrage Scottish fans of the Monopoly franchise. A proposed John Smeaton Community Chest card "You have been 'set aboot' by John Smeaton. Pay £8 million in hospital fees." has been vetoed as being a bit far fetched and ridiculous.


Related Articles:
John Smeaton: hero to villain
Glasgow Airport under attack

New airport security measures target beards

Contact: news@thetangentnewspaper.co.uk

What a difference a day makes... yesterday John Smeaton was riding the crest of a wave of a sweep of an upsurge of popularity, today he is lower than a snakes testicles. The man whose heroics in the aftermath of the botched terror attack on Glasgow airport were ranked alongside the achievements of such Scottish luminaries as Alexander Fleming, William Wallace and Marti Pellow has been blasted back down to earth.

Today the Pizza Hut group claimed responsibility for the attack on Glasgow Airport, they explained that a Glasgow Airport member of staff ordered a 'flaming hot special'. The car delivering the pizza was then forced into evasive maneuvers resulting in the collision with the airport entrance after being cut up by what Pizza Hut claim was a UWD (unidentified Women Driver). The Tangent newspaper has learned that the person who ordered the pizza was Glasgow's own John Smeaton.

The Pizza Hut group deny a move into terrorist activities is part of their continued expansion. The groups Head of Terrorist Atrocities UK Department said, "This was an accident. We came out bad as well, no-one's going to pay for that pizza now, are they?"

"It's no ma fault, I was starvin'. I ordered a pizza and was desperate to set aboot it. I was so angry when I saw the car skew off into the entrance that a just pure went aboot the driver. 'that's my dinner ya bampot!' I shouted. 'Am gonna kick yer heid in'."

"I apologise for taking aw the hero credit that a did. But ye cannae blame me, am fae Glasga efter aw. I think it's best ta just come clean noo that am rumbled. The bloke wisnae shouting 'Allah', he was shouting 'ai-ya' cos aw the beatin' I wis dishing oot."


John Smeaton also claims to have had a brief stint in The Happy Mondays as Bez.

Smeato's career will surely stall now. Kappa have abandoned a planned link up, the Scottish public are sure to demand a return of the 600,000,000 pints donated to the baggage handler, plush Glasgow eateries such as the Scream pubs have stopped giving him free meals and Kate Moss has decided to hunt down a different 'man of the moment' to sleep with and drain the soul from.

Kate Moss: get the London look.

Related Articles:
Glasgow Airport under attack
Valentine's Day mail bombs
New airport security measures set to tighten airport security

Contact thejohnsmeatonmailbox@thetangentnewspaper.co.uk

Massive disruption occurred at one of Scotland's busiest airports this week as a Jeep Cherokee loaded with gas crashed and exploded into the main entrance at Glasgow Airport. There were no fatalities and no serious injuries but some people caught near the blast reported cases of 'feeling really warm' and 'suffering ringing of the ears'.

The ineffective terrorist attack comes during a week of botched UK terrorist attacks. Two cars were also found in London this week that were set to cause 'mass devastation' but instead caused police 'a lot of paperwork'. Some experts suggest that UK terrorism is at an all time low, apart from the 7/7 tube attacks in London there hasn't been a successful terrorist attack to occupy the news.

A leading terrorist expert said, "There is a marked deterioration in the quality of terrorism faced by the Great British public today and that at other periods. For example, look at the 80s where the IRA consistently co-ordinated effective attacks on mass innocents and they had the disadvantage of being Irish."

This is another example of shoddy British workmanship, you can't get a plumber for weeks, the people you call in customer services are useless and now you can't even get blown up while using transport. What is this country coming too? Why should us Brits face substandard services when our world counterparts don't? Did we lose a war? Why can't our terrorists destroy a symbol of national identity?

A representative from the Department of Industry defended the quality of British terrorism, "I think it's very shortsighted to say we are facing a skills gap in British terrorism. The industry is facing many challenges posed by an eager foreign workforce who offer employers cheap labour. Sure your Asians and your Chinese and your whatnots may come cheap but do they get the job done? I am confident that if more terrorist organisations 'bought British' we wouldn't be having this conversation right now."