A three year old girl has survived a targeted shooting that killed 3 of her 'homies'. Police were called to the scene of the shooting in Plaw Hatch Close, Bishop's Stortford yesterday and found the fatalities pumped full of lead and a bullet riddled toddler proclaiming "I'm too tough to die a toddler."

Simon Fuller was quick to sign the child onto a mega bucks recording contract explaining "we can all learn something from this girl, like not to die when someone shoots you. She speaks from the street and young people in her position will identify that." Fuller also explained that the girl is a huge fan of 2-Pac, 50Cent and The Game and has posters of them adorning the walls of her nursery. "This girl's steeped in rap heritage. We're expecting big things from her. And if she doesn't produce we can always drop her like a hot potato. No offense to Rik Waller."

Rap Royalty are clamoring over themselves to be involved in link ups with the toddler. Gwen Stefani, Timbaland, P Diddy, Dr Dre and Fiddy have all expressed an interest in recording with the child. The most likely link up looks like a Christmas release called 'Let the guns ring out for Xmas time (in the motherf**cking ghetto)' featuring Snoop Doggy Dog as the girl is said to be fond of doggies.

Shocked parents Renee and Julian Cochrane returned from a short break in Turkey to discover their daughter had held a 'Myspace' party in their absense. A Myspace party that went horribly wrong.

"We returned home from a relaxing week sunning ourselves in Turkey to find that our 16 year old daugther had posted an open party invite on Myspace. Hundreds of strangers turned up to our £234,000 semi-detached house and had a really fun time without causing any real damage. We're completely shocked, everyone was well behaved, our freezer was restocked, the rubbish was taken out and they even done the dishes."

"The only damage that happened was the breaking of a garden gnome and we received a cheque through the letterbox for £10 the following week. We don't know whether we're coming or going - kids are supposed to be wild and the internet is supposed to be evil. This party has devastated our entire belief system."

Young party organiser Carol Cocrane desperately regrets the impromptu party, "I hoped by inviting a bunch of strangers from Myspace to my party that it would be a really wild night. But it didn't pan out that way. I don't know how I'm going to face people at school who've all had really cool Myspace parties. I'm so embarrassed."

This hasn't been the first time things have went horribly wrong due to the social networking site. In 2005 a 12 year old girl met up with a Myspace user claiming to be a 12 year old 'sk8er boi'. It turns out the user actually was a 12 year old Sk8er boy and the couple spent a lovely day at the skate (or sk8e park). Also, last year a 20 something met up for a drink with a man she'd been talking to through Myspace and they recently got married.

Myspace is owned by media tycoon Rupert Muroch who also holds a controlling stake in all British tabloid publications, as a result we heart myspace. Lolz.

Roy Keane has launched a scathing attack against football's WAG culture. The Sunderland manager has spent a frustrating summer losing out on some of his top targets to London clubs. Roy is blaming the wives and girlfriends for saying things like, "the shops up North aren't as good as London. If you want to keep hitting this you better get a job in London."

"It's a really weak footballer that lets his wife make his decisions for him, you know? All the wife should be making for a footballer is his dinner. Every transfer I made I made for football reasons, not shopping reasons. I went to Manchester United because they're the biggest club in the world, I went to Celtic for bigoted religious reasons and ease out of playing in a non-competitive environment and I agreed to manage Sunderland as I wanted a challenge - and boy what a challenge I got!"

Roy says the influence of the Wives and Girlfriends has increased dramatically in the past decade or so. "Dad, erm Sir Alex of Ferguson used to warn me about this. He would say, 'when you're a manager, Roy son, you won't just be managing a the football team - you'll be bloody marriage counseling as well.' And he's right, he didn't stand for it in his day and I'm not going to stand for it now."

"I remember David Beckham's wife used to nip on at David, she'd be 'David -with your range of passing it doesn't make any sense to be isolated to one side of the pitch. Why don't you start playing a more central role where you can spread passes to both sides of the pitch and really open up games?' What the hell does she know about football? And a more central role is Keano's territory! Only Roy and occasionally little Paul Scholes are fit to play there. So Alex shipped out the ponce to the Galaticos.

"A firm hand is needed in these cases so any player that considers his wife before making a decision on moving his family around the country is a pussy. If my wife tried to put pressure like that on me she'd be feeling the hairy side of my hand against her cheek, if she persisted I'd set the dogs on the bitch."

WAG spokeswomen and Wayne Rooney fancier Coleen McLoughlin hit back saying that it's not shopping reasons that are behind player's wives saying no to Sunderland, "it's just a horrible shit hole of a place to live. It makes grim look like gold."

Other Sport:
2006-2007 Season Review.

Contact: sport@TheTangentNewspaper.co.uk

Wikipedia, the online encyclopedia that's as reliable as a general populace, this week revealed who had been making edits to the free encyclopedia. By tracking IP addresses on users who edit pages it is possible to locate where abouts the edits have come from.

Amongst the more high profile edits are the CIA editing pages on Mahmoud Ahmadinejad to say, "he is a very bad man", Tom Cruise's press department editing Tom's pages to say, "definitely not gay" and the makers of rohypnol editing the page on the rape drug to say, "not as bad as the reputation suggests."

Over the past six months a series of interesting edits have been made to Gordon Brown and Tony Blair's profiles. A large amount of the edits originated from Number 10 and 11 Downing Street, some of which are detailed below:

Edit on Tony Blair's Profile from 11 Downing Street: Edit occurs under 'depictions of Blair in popular culture' "Many of the Great British public feel Tony's too long in the tooth for the job now and should move over to allow Brown's Britain to emerge."

Edit on Gordon Brown's Profile from 10 Downing Street: under 'depictions of Brown in popular culture', "Brown is often portrayed as an oafish, maths geek who can't really count that well and doesn't have enough personality to front a college rock band, never mind a political party."

This reply, seemingly from Blair, led to a spate of edits from 11 Downing Street on Blair's page: under 'criticism', "nothing but Bush's bum boy", 'background and family life' was edited to include, "his wife's face looks like a melted welly", under 'Blair's religious faith' an edit read, "Blair has been quick to play the faith card when it suits him such as when he pretended to be Christian each year so he could receive 'Christmas Gifts for Honours' and when he blamed God for the Iraq war"

The following day Number 10 Downing Street retaliated with a number of edits to the Brown page: under 'choice of Ministerial Car' an edit was made saying, "Brown promised to switch to a more environmentally friendly car such as a Toyota Prius but instead bought an 8.9 litre Jaguar which he commands his chauffeur 'to rev the living shits out of' whenever it is stopped by traffic lights', the category 'honours' initially read "Brown received an Honourary Degree from the University of Edinburgh in 2003." this was edited to include "the same University that gave Robert Mugabe an Honourary degree for services to Education". Referring to Brown's fast track education an edits says, "from the age of 12 Brown had steroids injected into his brain to give him an unfair advantage over his academic peers."

The edits carry on in this manner until Blair steps down as Prime Minister and is succeeded by Brown, then the edits from Number 10 to Brown's profile show a marked change in positivity towards Brown. The edits refer to "Britain's most heroic Chancellor became Prime Minister unchallenged because everyone universally accepted just how good for the job he was." A further edit is made to the passage that described Brown's personal appearance as 'sexy as a bag of potatoes". This changed to "with his chiseled jaw and steely blue eyes Gordon Brown could be a Hollywood lead male, lucky for you he chose to run your country."

Wikipedia were quick to justify the edits people had made to entries by posting a statement on the main page, "The CIA are charged with protecting America, obviously sometimes this important duty depends upon editing websites. If that's what it takes then who are we to criticise? It's an issue of national security. As for the edits coming from Downing Street, well we all knew that Tony Blair and Gordon Brown are a pair of whiny bitches."

The entry was later edited from 10 Downing street to read, "we all knew that Tony Blair was a whiny bitch.".

Related Articles:
Cash for Honours investigation, the SHOCKING results.
Brown's Downing Street renovation plans, conservatory due before 2008.
A look back at 10 years of Tony Blair.

Contact: news@TheTangentNewspaper.co.uk

Founder of Factory Records Tony Wilson has died of cancer at the age of 57. Factory Records launched the career of many Manchester bands during the 80s and early 90s, leading to Tony being dubbed 'Mr Manchester' or 'Mr Wilson'.

Tony was also instrumental in the running of Manchester's most famous club, The Hacienda. The famous club shut it's doors for the final time in 1997 after a drug related death and various shootings. But otherwise it was a top notch venue to shake your shimmy and done lovely cocktails.

Gushing tributes to Tony have been made by the world of celebrities. TV's Richard Madeley commented on Tony's loathe of contacts, "He was, I think, the only person in the music industry not to use contracts. And that's not because he couldn't read or write like most Mancunians. He was just so rock and roll he thought, "flip 'em."

Coronation Street's Michael LeVell who plays car mechanic Kevin in the soap said, "erm yeah, I'm sure he was a top bloke, I'd saw him on telly a few times and thought, 'that's the sort of guy I'd like to share a pint with.' Not share, of course. I mean, we'd have one each..."

Nasal toned Terry Christian who now plys his trade between street sweeping, the graveyard slot on Manchester Radio and doing voice overs for tile warehouses said, "It's a large tragedy. Tony put the 'mad' into 'Madchester'. And the 'man' into 'Manchester'. What I'm trying to say is, without Tony there would be no Manchester music scene - no Happy Mondays, no New Order, not even an Old Order and no... erm... no...uh... Mark Owen?"

Factory Records are set to release a tribute record called Tony's Top Toons to celebrate the man's life. The record is rumoured to consist of five Happy Monday's tracks, five New Order Tracks and 1 M People track.

The Andy Warhol company, responsible for providing everyone with 15 minutes of fame since the 60s has been forced to defend it's flagship programme this week. The normally reliable programme has came under investigation by Trading Standards due to Glasgow baggage handler John Smeaton's abnormally long period of celebrity.

John Smeaton 'set aboot' an incompetent but dedicated would be terrorist late in June after an attempt to attack Glasgow Airport. The flaming terrorist was 'banjoed' by Glasgow's Finest in a battle of heroic proportions. Michael Kerr was bravely wounded while trying to tag team the terrorist but calamitously fell over and broke his leg. One of the terrorists involved in the botched attack died this week but John shows no remorse and denies he is to blame in any way, "ah just swedged the guy aboot a bit. Am just a Glesga boy, ya know? Don't mess wi us if we cannae take it."

This week we've witnessed John Smeaton appear in a double page spread for a rival tabloid publication, he's been on Richard and Judy, he's met Prime Minister Broon, been taken round Kelvingrove Museum by Alex Salmond and appeared in his FOURTH Tangent article. Some commentators are commenting that maybe the commentary has went far enough and it's time to stop being ridiculous.

A spokesman for the Warhol Company said, "We provide a service for people to enjoy 15minutes of worldwide fame. This normally works like clockwork. There are instances when people do something in their 15 minutes which, for whatever, reason capture people's imagination. We are powerless to prevent this sort of thing happening. Legally our position is that we guarantee 15 minutes of fame, anything else is a bonus."

Strange events afoot in Glasgow's most notorious 'buggery den' this week as a number of sightings have been reported of a man dressed in a bear suit in Kelvingrove Park. Park Ranger Andy McCadden said, "In May there were no man in bear suit sightings, in June there were 3 and in July there have been 9. If this trend continues we can expect there to be EVEN MORE man in bear suit sightings over the coming months."

Local residents are slightly concerned about the appearance of the man bear and are worried that he may knock a few thousand off the value of their properties. Agnes O'Hare saw the man bear while walking her dog and said, "I don't know what he's doing, but he's up to no good. No god fearing, law abiding citizen parades around in a bear suit. I saw his eyes, there was something evil behind his stare. I don't know what, just something."

Glasgow City council have urged residents, locals and tourist not to be concerned about the sightings. "We would urge people to continue using the park as they would do. So far there is no concrete proof that there is a man dressed as a bear loose in Kelvingrove Park. These sightings could just be a really big dog."

Some locals have actually welcomed the appearance of the man dressed in the bear suit. Kelvingrove Park is famous for it's beautiful unspoiled scenery, it's proximity to Glasgow University, the River Kelvin and it's unusually high rate of male rape. But since the bear sightings began there have been no reported cases of forced bummery. A 'Friends of the River Kelvin' spokesman said, "the notion that the bear suited man is some sort of vigilante park enforcer is gaining popularity in some circles."

The Tangent set up a top notch surveillance team to observe the goings on in the park but found nothing. This might be because the staff members on the stake out decided to go to the nearby GUU for a night of Steel Stomach Contests, male topless wrestling and measuring each other's cocks. While this shed no light on the bear man it did provide us with knowledge that eating a condom filled with vomit will turn even the steeliest of stomachs, Jamie may be skinny but you don't want to get him angry and Ally is hung like a tadpole.

Russian explorers have laid claim to be the first people to reach the arctic floor. They have planted a big ole Russky flag there to prove it. Explorers involved in the expedition have claimed the dangerous adventure was comparable to "plugging a flag into the moon."

Russia hopes the planting of the flag on the surface of the arctic floor means they can lay claim to the oil resources that lie below the floor, much like America laid claim to the cheese resources below the moon's surface when they landed on the moon. The US have disputed the Russians claim to the Arctic floor claiming they got their first and that the Russians must have 'hid our flag'. The US government provided photographic evidence showing a man on the ocean floor next to a US flag holding a copy of USA Today with a date from last week that precedes the Russian's claim.

You heard it hear first: the Cold War is back on. Russia's refusal to co-operate with diplomatic demands made by Britain last month and todays victory in the 'plaice race' are the strongest indications so far.

UK Prime Minister Gordon Brown released a statement saying, "It's good to have the enemy we know back. We all love to hate the Russians and I am hoping for a long and paranoid relationship between ourselves and them." President Bush said, "I knew it was the Russians! Even when it was the Islams I knew it was the Russians!"

Now we are in the midst of Cold War Part II we have became aware of the warning signs that have surrounded us for years now. We should have realised the Russians were up to something when they subtly redesigned their flag to resemble the Hammer and Sickle of Soviet Russia.

And cold war tensions have been rearing their head in Western countries too, as the following Spider-man cartoon from last year depicts: