The world's second most recognised mime artist (after Britney Spears), Marcel Marceau has died aged 84. The French mime artist was found dead at home about 3 weeks ago but his maid only realised he was dead yesterday, "Marcel was working on new material so when I went to wake him up one morning to find a stiff Marcel with a contorted face I thought it was part of a new dark direction. It was only when he started emitting a foul smell weeks later that I realised this wasn't a mime."

Some biographers claim Marcel's love of silence developed during the Nazi occupation of France. As he was of Jewish descent being able to stay silent and look like a statue saved him from many scrapes. Tragically his father was a noisy bastard and got taken to Auschwitz. Marcel first rose to prominence after challenging a ninja to a 'silent off' and winning after 6 days when the ninja broke wind.

It was a Marcel Marceau sketch 'Walking Against the Wind' that inspired Michael Jackson's famous moonwalk. Jackson enjoyed huge success with the stolen move and would turn to Marceau again in the future when Jackson's record shifting powers had waned hoping to repeat the trick. However 'Dangling a baby in the Wind' failed to have the success of the first move Jackson borrowed from Marceau.

A study published this week has shown that cocaine users are getting younger. The trend has been described as 'worrying' by top cop Martin Barnes, "It's really posing a problem for police. We arrest someone on cocaine charges, lock them up in the cells for a night only to open the door in the morning and find out they've regressed into a 14 year old. The case collapses because we just can't batter children with the law.'


A graph showing stuff and things.

Keeping in line (boom, boom!) with the anecdotal evidence the study presented, The Tangent interviewed Richard Anderson who has been taking cocaine for over 15 years, "It's true. All of it's true. I started taking cocaine when I was in my mid twenties and I'm now 10. If you thought puberty was a hard experience you should see what it's like backwards."

We also spoke to numerous casual cocaine users who said the findings of this study put them off the drug. Where did we find casual cocaine users? We went to a Weatherspoons just after 5.30pm on a Friday evening of course! An anonymous Standard Life employee called Adam Westbridge told us, "You go off to the toilet with some guy who has a few lines, loosen your silk tie and have a few snorts. Next thing you know you've got a wet willy in your ear and a wedgie up your arse." The things that go on in Weatherspoon's toilets, eh?


Weatherspoon's: the drinks are averagely priced but the fun never stops

Oil of Olay (or Ulay or Tooley) have made tentative approaches to adding cocaine to their products in light of the study. A spokesperson said, "for years we've been conning haggy old women that our guff will make them look younger, by being allowed to add crack to our products we might be able to finally eliminate those unsightly wrinkles. It's in the hands of lawyers just now. You know what it's like when you try to introduce a dangerous narcotic into your produce; all paperwork and red tape nonsense."



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The parents of missing British blonde girl Madeleine McCann are set seek independent forensic tests on a rented car they have been using after Portuguese police fingered blame on the parents saying, "you did it! It was you all along and you played the whole world for fools - you murdering monsters!", metaphorically of course.

Previous suspect Robert Murat, who was compared to Ian Huntley by some sections of the foaming tabloid media now looks innocent. Whoops. Mr Murat was able to leave his house yesterday and buy some milk, it was the first time he's ventured out in four months. He explained "It's been a tiresome couple of months, I've had an angry mob parked up outside baying for my blood. I've not had a brew in ages."

The parents of Madeleine became suspects after Portuguese cops discovered DNA that was an 81% match for Madeleine in the boot of a car the McCann's had been using AFTER their daughters disappearance. At one time The Tangent criticised the Portuguese police for not doing enough (to talk to journalists) now we think they are maybe doing to much, going to far. We want the truth but we would much rather it wasn't uncomfortable.

In a slight against Portuguese police efficiency and integrity the McCanns are seeking to conduct independent tests on the car. Hollywood pap-peddler Jerry Bruckheimer has seen this development as an opportunity to launch a 'CSI: Algarve' spin-off, "When you need the best, you need the Crime Scene Investigation team. You know what you're getting with them, good looking investigators, high school philosophy and loads of flashy close ups of pistons and stuff working. If they can't solve a case, the case isn't worth solving."

"Basically I have no originality. The McCann story captured the world's heart and received millions in donations - I want to tap into some of that money. The best stories are the ones that you can't make up - which is lucky because it means you can succeed creatively without having any imagination. What a story this could be, parents glut on world's sympathy and support after their beloved child goes missing only for it to turn out the parents were involved."

"It's definitely brave unknown territory for the CSI franchise to wade into - the European market that is. I hope this show will be as successful as the original CSI, CSI Miami, CSI Inglewood and CSI Monopoly. Look out for a cameo appearance from an all time CSI favourite in the pilot episode."

Opera legend Luciano Pavarotti has died at the age of 71. Not only is this a great loss to the musical world it is also a great loss for unattractive, over weight, perpetually sweaty men everywhere who can't get laid. Luciano was an icon to these losers as his position allowed him to romance some glamorous women.

Luciano was born to humble beginnings near the Italian city of Modena. He was the first male to be born in his housing block in 10 years and was therefore the only 'pieca del ass' for all the local horny young teenage females to get stuck into. This constant stream of easy sex convinced the young Pavarotti that counting the calories was a waste of time.

Looking back on his teenage years Pavarotti claimed, "for breakfast I'd just go out and hack a stray cow to bits, I'd have an appetiser of a young orphan before a lunch of pasta served in an industrial drum. The rest of the day would be spent going around to lover's homes and declaring 'cheese me' before passing out in a cheese sweat"

Pavarotti went on to have sex with many pretty women over the course of his life including a threesome with Princess Diana and the Queen Mother, an ATM with Maria Carey and, inevitably, a drug fueled affair with Kate Moss. Pavarotti also had a glittering operatic career but if you want to know about that you best go look out a 'culture' supplement in one of those broadsheets.

The movie of Pavarotti's life, loves and favourite types of Mr Kipling cakes is set be made this year to quickly cash in on the man's death. The early favourite to play the tenor is porn superstar Ron Jeremy who can fuck well and sing averagely.



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