The Tangent Newspaper

Thursday, 25 October 2007

SCOTLAND BIDS FOR ‘MINI OLYMPICS’

Scotland has fired a warning to the rest of the world that it is prepared to stage insignificant sporting events by applying to host the Mini Olympics. The somewhat misnomered event doesn’t feature an athletic roster of dwarves competing in normal Olympic events for comedy purpose but features children.

Ever eager to shove his face into a microphone, First Minister Alex Salmond said, “by applying to host this event Scotland, as a nation, shows Scotland, as a nation, is up there with other big international contenders such as Taldykorgan in Kazakhstan, Cluj-Napoca in Romania and Qui Nhon in Vietnam. How better to show we are the world’s best small country by limiting our ambition to entirely small time events?”

Lanarkshire has been selected as the area to bid for the games after early front runner Saltcoats withdrew their bid due to a failing in public support when locals learned the event wouldn’t feature midgets. Prominent Saltcoats alcoholic (who doubles as Town Mayor) John ‘piss yer pants’ MacGeddes slurred, “We’ll be fine without the kiddie’s games. We were pure interested when we thoat it was awe aboot midgets, it wud have been a nice compliment to oor other events like the circus, the freak show and Uncle Munter’s Incest Fest. But when we fun oot it wis aboot weans we decided it didnae really fit in with the local interests.”

North and South Lanarkshire councils released a joint statement supporting the 2011 bid. “We believe the event will double the amount of tourists Lanarkshire receives – so in 2011 we can expect around 28 people to visit. This will be of huge economical advantage to the area. We might be able to raise the funds to call out pest control to deal with the Gremlin that’s commandeered the swing park. Also with the event being for children we hope that it will encourage local kids to take an interest in sport and maybe get off their fat arses and do some exercise.”

Traditionally the Children’s Games feature a host of high profile events such as the three legged race, wheelbarrow race, egg and spoon race and ‘Bouncy Castle’. Local egg and spoon race champion Chris Anderson (aged 7) told The Tangent about his commitment to preparing himself for the 2011 Children’s Games no matter where they are hosted, “I’m running 6 miles everyday with an egg on a spoon in preparation. Mum and Dad are getting me a sports psychologist for Christmas so that my mind is as prepared for the challenges ahead as my body. I’ve been champion for 2 years running in my school and would love to win Gold (chocolate coins) at the Children’s Games wherever they’re held. Obviously it would be extra special if I could be crowned champion on home soil with a partisan crowd behind me but that’s in the hands of a delegation now. I must remain focused, sorry I have to end this interview as I’m not burning enough calories and Transformers is about to start.”

With that Scotland's best hope for gold at the Children's Olympics sprightly went forth to his living room and watched TV while jogging on the spot.

Tuesday, 16 October 2007

SURVEY SHOWS TREND IN DIY DENTISTRY.

A survey has revealed that 1 in 5 people are prepared to carry out DIY dentistry on themselves. Some analysts say this trend highlights the unavailability of NHS dentists and the excessive costs of private dentistry. The UK dental association says the trend highlights ‘that people are stupid’.

A top London dentist defended the profession, “we’ve spent six years at University, you can’t honestly expect us to clamber about the filthy mouths of the poor when we could be injecting Botox into the beautiful foreheads of the rich, can you? If people really can’t afford to get their teeth looked at why don’t they just get a better job paying them more money?”

Brief history of British Dentistry

1781 - Discovery of sugar puts British teeth on map.
1804 -Carpentry booms as demand for wooden teeth soars.
1878 -Dentist Act passed through Parliament to regulate oral care and protect people from dodgy backstreet dentists.
1965 -Landmark court ruling states that mouth is not part of human body, therefore oral care and health care are separate things. Dentistry says a farewell to it's former friend the NHS. Dentists do a happy dance at the prospect of the cash pit they’ve hit on.
2007 - Millions search for dodgy back street dentists.

Amongst the potentially dangerous DIY treatments are pulling teeth with pliers, using superglue to hold teeth in and using Polyfilla for fillings. Polyfilla released a ‘tooth kind’ variant of the famous wall filler back in 2005 but deny taking advantage of people’s desperation. “The highly successful ‘tooth kind’ variant of Polyfilla has nothing to do with dental care. The name merely suggests how kind the product is on your walls, where you need the most delicate of care…”

The survey also suggested people are resorting to certain DIY vanity treatments. One person surveyed claimed to have used Tippex as a cheap alternative to teeth whitening. The BBC is set to commission a DIY ‘Mouth Makeover’ show presented by Carole Smilie and Cavity Andy.

The Tangent proposes a six step plan to make Great Britain’s Teeth Great Again.
- More junk food at a younger age will help build up the mouth’s natural defences against bad stuff.
- A return to the ‘Matron’ system where a highly experienced nurse can overrule management decisions concerning the day to day running of her ward. Oh wait, wrong crisis.
- People with bad teeth to be publicly mocked to set an example to others. Possibility of bringing back public hanging.
- A free dentist for every man, women and child by November 14th 2007.
- University dentistry courses cut to one year to ensure a steady supply of Dentists.
- Anyone on a Dentist’s waiting list for more than ten minutes to be given Botox treatment at the Practices expense. Or a cock enlargement if Dentists do that sort of thing.

Contact: news@TheTangentNewspaper.co.uk

Friday, 12 October 2007

THE TANGENT: AN EXCUSE.

Those of you who read this publication regularly (thanks Dad) will have noticed a lack of posting over the previous months. The full time staff at The Tangent is few in number (more than no-one but less than two). And the only real full time staff member spends days on end drunk and in a gutter shouting at passers by, “Marjorie! Oh, Marjorie! Where did we go wrong? Was the Terracotta ceiling the final straw?”

Besides amusing and horrifying passers by in equal measure, the full time staff has been tied up with ‘real life’ stuff of late. If you’re unfamiliar with the concept a real life is one of those things people who don’t spend all day sitting in their bedroom, wearing only boxer shorts and eating cheese slices while reading online tabloids have.

For those interested (that’ll be you again, Dad) nothing disastrous has befell me, I’ve moved to a palatial flat, haven’t sorted out internet access yet and am working two jobs and doing a full time course. I’m a modern hero, apart from not having the time to stop and have sex with the sort of women who throw themselves at heroes.

That’ll be enough of the real life insight, before the majority of The Tangent readership become distracted and gets excited at the discovery they could sit and browse the internet all day without moving if they defecate themselves and use cheese slices to wipe their arse.

Here’s a round up of the last month’s stories that were missed.

BROWN SPLASHES CASH

Gordon Brown bought the Margaret Thatcher puppet used in 90s TV satire Spitting Image. The new PM paraded the puppet outside number 10 Downing Street before taking it indoors and performing sex acts so debauched that a gutter family tabloid rag wouldn’t dare mention them by name. Acts like felching.

Maggie 'what boat?' Thatcher and Gordon 'what election' Brown outside number 10 downing street.

Brown said of the purchase, “Long before Brown’s Britain emerged through inheritance I loved the Spitting Image send up of Margaret Thatcher. I swore to myself as a young Brown that I would own that puppet one day. Having got a promotion I thought, ‘crivens heck, why not treat yourself?’ So I did, in a frugal manner. I managed to secure a knock down price because Maggie’s aged so badly.”

BLUE TONGUE CAUSES HAVOC

British agriculture took another blow in the past month when blue tongue disease was detected in livestock. The outbreak leaves farmers fearing a culling along the lines of 2001s foot and mouth outbreak. The government outlined measures to cut costs should such widespread culling be deemed necessary, “It’s so close to bonfire night we figure we might as well let local kids help themselves to calves and lob them on their bonfires.”

Foot and mouth
It's behind you.

The British Nursery Rhyme Association expressed their anger at the outbreak. The association aims to keep nursery rhymes relevant and up to date. “We feel the current state of British agriculture means any reworking of Old McDonald had a Farm is going to be so far removed from the original purpose that it will lose all traditionalism.” The Association’s acclaimed reworkings include Humpty Dumpty, who couldn’t be put together by all the King’s horses or all the King’s men but could be put together by highly trained University educated medical staff after an 8 hour wait in A+E. Old McDonald had a farm and on that farm he had crippling debts, EU restrictions and a suicidal pang is a reworking that the Association are reluctant to be involved in.

NORTHERN ROCK HITS THE ROCKS

Insignificant British building society Northern Rock was plunged into crises last month after it emerged the building society had used customer’s investments and savings for online gambling. Shares plummeted and hordes of old age pensioners queued up for hours to withdraw savings. One observer said he hadn’t seen so many pensioners in a queue since Daniel O’Donnell’s last tour.

Northern Rock queues

The Bank of England bailed Northern Rock out with emergency funds. A Northern Rock senior official said, “The Bank of England loan came at a good time, we’re due a big win on the Black Jack table and as soon as we get it we can square everyone up.” The terms of the emergency loan are vague but it is understood that ‘knee caps are at risk and faces will be repossessed if Northern Rock fail to keep up with repayments’.

Contact: news@TheTangentNewspaper.co.uk