Hot on the commercial success of Apple's iPhone the company have announced their latest product at a trade show in San Diego. Steve Jobs presented the Apple iBrator to a shocked press. The device is multi functional boosting a sex toy, an ipod and a camera all in-cased in Apple's stylish shiny designings.

Jobs waxed lyrical of the device, "we understand our female clients. Some of them are too busy to form relationships with men and don't want a string of one night stands. This is the device for them. Due to it's multi functionality women are sure to be carrying it whenever they need a sexual kick. Being an iPod you can wear it while out jogging and listen to your favourite songs, the camera functions means it's ideal for capturing the moment at family gatherings and it also acts as a web device so you can check your emails while on the train or anywhere away from the office."

The iBrator statistics will certainly appeal to technoheads and it is this that Jobs says will ensure Apple's male clientele will still purchase the device, "standing at an impressive 5.5 inches and boosting a 4 gigabyte hard drive, with a 3.2 mega pixel camera and web capabilities the iBrator is a device for both sexes". As a result Jobs revealed the advertising campaign for the device will feature prominent male and female figures from the music and film worlds.

Internet reaction to the the iBrator has been somewhat mixed. On boredhousewives.com there was a lot of negative reaction to the ibrator's attempts at establishing itself as a credible sex toy.

"For the $555 dollars Apple are wanting I could furnish myself with anal beads, nipple clamps, leather whips, a gimp mask, a PVC outfit, tonnes of lube, one of those things that cut off the oxygen, a torture rack and an array of vibrators and still have change left to by some nice post torture shortbread." - hornyhousewive69.

"Apple have notorious issues with battery life. We all know how it feels to be hitting the spot then the power fails on us. I won't be trading in my current set up of a car battery attached to my 'pneumatic pumper' for the iBrator." - PrEtTyInPiNk69.

"5 and a half inches? The last time 5 and a half inches satisfied me was before I was of legal age!" - insecuref**kmebetter69.

While on teen gadget site soyourparentsarerich.com reaction was much more positive.

"wow, lok at it, it rawks" - Tyrone94

"loks aw3som3. want it lik aids." - mrpimp91

"so shiny, so sexy, so want it." - 2pacsleftbollock

The Apple iBrator is set to launch in summer 2008.

HOUSE PRICES SLUMP AS SHED PRICES SOAR.

House prices have failed to soar astronomically for the second consecutive month running. Alarmists are pointing to the American property market and saying, "shit, we're next - God help us all!". One housing analyst described the slump akin to, "an old man's death slump in a chair in his family home of 40 years. Normally there'd be a bunch of people beating down his door to see if he was dead so they could sell his home but now there is just a polite ring of neighbourly concern."

The apocalyptic vision set out by the analyst will worry the glut of people who like to refer to themselves as property developers. Adam Hingebottom 57 and owner of 6 properties said, "Really, I have absolutely no business acumen. But I like money. So I bought a few houses and rent them out to people. It's a great way for dense, unoriginal thinkers to make some money. I planned to sell these houses for a fortune. That won't happen if this trend continues. I always believed my money was safe as houses, but this is like discovering that burglars can break into houses! I'm worried I'll end up looking like a proper idiot, an idiot with six houses. You can only live in the one place at the one time!"

Abbey National, the UK's number one mortgage lender is confident it can ride out the storm, "All those mugs who bought into the property boom about 5 years too late are tied up into long term mortgages so our money's safe. Safe as houses, you could say."

The report detailing the decline in property prices also showed a stark increase in the price of garages and sheds. One garage in the Notting Hill area is reported to have been sold for £198,000 while an isolated shed in Argyll has been sold for £87,000 to an unamed 'shed development' contractor. They plan to convert the old shed into 'a luxury space to store dreams with breathtaking views of the rugged Scottish Higlands'.

B+Q have increased shed prices by over 30% in anticipation of a flock of trend jumpers coming down and buying up the cheap alternatives to housing. "At B+Q we don't like to think of our sheds as sheds, we like to think of them 'as modern living solutions' aimed at an economically astute market who know what they want and how to get it. The people who invest in them are also very sexy."

The Tangent interviewed a 24 year old financial advisor outside a B+Q superstore after he had just bought a £4,000 top of the range shed. "I'm going to build it in my back garden. I'll use it for storage space for a few years and then maybe look to sell it on to a poor family or some immigrants. I decided to buy a shed instead of invest in property because the B+Q people said buying a shed 'made you sexy' and my investment was 'as safe as sheds.'"





Contact: news@TheTangentNewspaper.co.uk