We’ve all had rotten Christmases, whether it be due to the cooked turkey tasting like it contains a tangy strain of Bird Flu or Gramps turning up drunk and relieving himself against the Christmas tree (Christmas ‘95 lives long in the memory). Most of the associated ills of Christmas can be overlooked providing the presents are good (yes, I’m that shallow). Featured below are some of this year’s gift ideas set to cause disappointment when opened on Christmas Day.
Lego Star Wars Imperial Star Destroyer
One of the coolest concepts ever to be conceived… doesn’t need the Star Wars franchise hanging off its coattails. This Lego set, coming in just under the £80 mark, is a very convincing and quite impressive looking Imperial Star Destroyer. However, the great thing about Lego is that once you’re bored with a set you can use the pieces with other pieces in your collection to make something completely different. You’re only limited by your imagination. The Imperial Star Destroyer is basically just a big grey isosceles triangle. Great, if your future builds include angular tower blocks, modern art replicas or the ideal young professional bachelor pad, not so great if you plan on building something with colour. No amount of imagination is going to help you use pieces of this set to build a dumper truck, a fire station or a pirate ship.
Jim Davidson ‘The Devil Rides Out’ DVD.
This DVD of non-PC and non-funny jokes comes hot on the heels of Jim’s appearance on TV’s Hell’s Kitchen where he was kicked off for calling fellow contestant Brian Dowling a ‘shirtlifter’. Well, it doesn’t just come hot on the heels of it, it markets itself on the whole controversy. The front cover features Davidson’s face mocked up to look like the Devil, complete with red face and horns. One of extra features of the DVD is a Hell’s Kitchen interview. A tad shameful? You betcha, on the Jim Davidson shame-o-meter it falls somewhere between doing panto and beating up an orphan.
A Jim Davidson joke template could be something like this:
Do ya know what’s funny about the gays?
They have homosexual relationships.
Do ya know what’s funny about the disabled?
They can’t walk.
Do ya know what’s funny about foreigners?
They have weird names and talk strange.
Do you know what’s funny about Jim Davidson? Nothing. Before you buy this you have to ask yourself, “Do I really think my dad’s such a bigot that he’d like this?” If the answer is no then stay clear, if you’re unsure of the answer just get him a Clarkson DVD instead.
A Jim Davidson joke template could be something like this:
Do ya know what’s funny about the gays?
They have homosexual relationships.
Do ya know what’s funny about the disabled?
They can’t walk.
Do ya know what’s funny about foreigners?
They have weird names and talk strange.
Do you know what’s funny about Jim Davidson? Nothing. Before you buy this you have to ask yourself, “Do I really think my dad’s such a bigot that he’d like this?” If the answer is no then stay clear, if you’re unsure of the answer just get him a Clarkson DVD instead.
Doctor Who Dalek Sec Hybrid Voice Changer Mask
Rumour has it that the Doctor Who makers based this design around the appearance of Kate Moss
You put this ugly looking mask over your face and it transforms your voice to sound like the Doctor Who character.
My issues with this toy are two fold. 1) The mask makes the wearer look a bit like they’ve been attacked by a Face Hugger from Aliens. Of course, this would be well worth 30 quid but the toy translates your faux screams into a Dalek sound of pain, which incidentally sounds like a juicer trying to juice beef (learn from my mistakes, Beef Smoothies are not as tasty as you’d expect). 2) There’s an Optimus Prime version of the same toy, Optimus Prime > everything. Duh.
My issues with this toy are two fold. 1) The mask makes the wearer look a bit like they’ve been attacked by a Face Hugger from Aliens. Of course, this would be well worth 30 quid but the toy translates your faux screams into a Dalek sound of pain, which incidentally sounds like a juicer trying to juice beef (learn from my mistakes, Beef Smoothies are not as tasty as you’d expect). 2) There’s an Optimus Prime version of the same toy, Optimus Prime > everything. Duh.
Hasbro Spider-man Intercom masks
This is a walky-talky set incorporated into a Spider-man and Venom mask. Not too bad a toy really… these toys are only included due to the ridiculous description I found of them while browsing the Woolworths website, ‘Recreate the adventures of Spider-man with these intercom masks – you and your friends can listen to each other and swap stories at the same time.’
Kid 1 - “Right today we’ll recreate the adventure when Spider-man fought Doctor Octopus. Ok, I’ve got my web-slinger arm, my spider-man suit, my incredibly whiney red headed girlfriend… did you bring the Intercom masks?”
Kid 2 – “No, I forgot. Now we won’t be able to listen to each other and swap stories.”
Kid 1 – “Well, that’s that ruined then.”
WWE Role Play Outfits – John Cena
My younger brother reliably informs me that John Cena is a big star of World Wrestling Entertainment (formerly Federation for the older amongst us). This outfit includes items needed to dress just like John Cena including a black visor hat, a Mr T style chain, two chav style knuckle ‘decorations’ (or knuckle dusters if you’re from the ‘hood) and wristbands. Yes, the all important wristbands.
You would imagine that when a kid dresses in the role playing outfit of their favourite WWE star they are going to role play at being a wrestler (unless there’s a Chris Benoit Roid Rage role play costume…). Some may argue this is at odds with the WWE’s ‘don’t try this at home’ motto. Any contradiction here doesn’t bother me. What does bother me is that today’s wrestlers dress really drably. The halcyon days of late 80s-mid 90s when wrestling took garish advantage of Technicolor and Macho Man running around was enough to induce an epileptic fit are long gone. John Cena wears a white t-shirt, some denims, a cap and some crass plastic jewellery. Total bill for the role playing set (that doesn’t include a t-shirt or denims) - £17.
Kid 1 - “Right today we’ll recreate the adventure when Spider-man fought Doctor Octopus. Ok, I’ve got my web-slinger arm, my spider-man suit, my incredibly whiney red headed girlfriend… did you bring the Intercom masks?”
Kid 2 – “No, I forgot. Now we won’t be able to listen to each other and swap stories.”
Kid 1 – “Well, that’s that ruined then.”
WWE Role Play Outfits – John Cena
My younger brother reliably informs me that John Cena is a big star of World Wrestling Entertainment (formerly Federation for the older amongst us). This outfit includes items needed to dress just like John Cena including a black visor hat, a Mr T style chain, two chav style knuckle ‘decorations’ (or knuckle dusters if you’re from the ‘hood) and wristbands. Yes, the all important wristbands.
You would imagine that when a kid dresses in the role playing outfit of their favourite WWE star they are going to role play at being a wrestler (unless there’s a Chris Benoit Roid Rage role play costume…). Some may argue this is at odds with the WWE’s ‘don’t try this at home’ motto. Any contradiction here doesn’t bother me. What does bother me is that today’s wrestlers dress really drably. The halcyon days of late 80s-mid 90s when wrestling took garish advantage of Technicolor and Macho Man running around was enough to induce an epileptic fit are long gone. John Cena wears a white t-shirt, some denims, a cap and some crass plastic jewellery. Total bill for the role playing set (that doesn’t include a t-shirt or denims) - £17.
Roboboa.
For a few years now this toy range by WowWee has been touted as one of the must have Christmas items. The 2007 incarnation is a snake. Roboboa stays true to the features of Robosapien, Roboraptor and Robomojo in that it is expensive, white and crap. These toys must have the lowest correlation between money spent and time played with than any toy in history, even more so than the Mr Potato Jeremy Beadle version.
For the bargain price of £79.99 you can have a toy that wriggles about the floor in a completely un-snake like manner for two and a half minutes before requiring more batteries to be rammed up it’s arse. I sometimes wonder why toy robots are so rubbish in this day and age of advanced robotics. Then I think maybe a set of really sophisticated robots hell bent on human destruction produce these inept robots to distract us from the true extent of robotic capabilities. Then I get scared. This is why I don’t do much thinking.
For the bargain price of £79.99 you can have a toy that wriggles about the floor in a completely un-snake like manner for two and a half minutes before requiring more batteries to be rammed up it’s arse. I sometimes wonder why toy robots are so rubbish in this day and age of advanced robotics. Then I think maybe a set of really sophisticated robots hell bent on human destruction produce these inept robots to distract us from the true extent of robotic capabilities. Then I get scared. This is why I don’t do much thinking.
FurReal Buttersctoch Pony
From the same line of thought that inspires WowWee’s robo range here’s another toy that caters for kids who want a pet that’s not a real life animal. Maybe parents should just buy their kid’s goldfish, they’ll get the same situation after a couple of days and won’t have had to shell out the £300 that the Butterscotch Pony costs.
I can picture the scene on a snowy Christmas morning as a demanding posh child of a rich family bounds down the staircase to find the ‘lifesize Shetland Pony that can live in your room’, Daddy valiantly tries to explain that this is better than the real pony his daughter wanted, “you can groom it, and sit on it and it can live in your room!”. Yeah, you can also stick a carrot in its mouth but it’s never going to take a bite and you can call its name but it’ll just stare blankly into the wallpaper forever. Hooray. FurReal note that no animal fur is used in the production of FurReal toys, so it’s not even realistic on that front. Plus the glue factory won’t be interested when the kids get bored of it.
I can picture the scene on a snowy Christmas morning as a demanding posh child of a rich family bounds down the staircase to find the ‘lifesize Shetland Pony that can live in your room’, Daddy valiantly tries to explain that this is better than the real pony his daughter wanted, “you can groom it, and sit on it and it can live in your room!”. Yeah, you can also stick a carrot in its mouth but it’s never going to take a bite and you can call its name but it’ll just stare blankly into the wallpaper forever. Hooray. FurReal note that no animal fur is used in the production of FurReal toys, so it’s not even realistic on that front. Plus the glue factory won’t be interested when the kids get bored of it.
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posted by The Ed at
2:42 PM
