2008: THE TANGENT PREDICTS
The Tangent looks into its crystal ball and brings you the events that will dominate the news in 2008.
HOUSE PRICES CRASH...
...remember that Prime Minister we got who didn't actually win an election but we thought, 'he'll be ok - look how stable the economy was while he was Chancellor'? At the same time we didn't realise that the economy was stable due to an anomalous period of craziness in house buying. 2008 will see people stop buying those houses quite so crazily but we'll still have a slack jawed buffoon as PM. Talking of that slack jawed buffoon...
GORDON BROWN CANCELS TEA PARTY...
...Brown will hint at a spectacular tea party all year round and then when it gets to November and he only has a few returned RSVPs he'll cancel the whole thing and try to pretend he never actually suggested a tea party in the first place.
MADELEINE MCCANN WON'T BE FOUND...
...but sightings of her are expected to overtake sightings of Elvis...
2008 OLYMPICS...
... Britain will triumph at 6 events, fail spectacularly in 14 and be humped by former colonies in all the others. Government officials will bemoan the lack of quality training facilities in Britain and then sell any land that quality training facilities could be built on to property developers.
RECORD A-LEVEL RESULTS WILL BE RECORDED...
... bitter adults will piss on the school leavers achievements by asking what they know about the Crimean War. Thus proving their superiority.
PAEDOPHILES WILL MOVE IN NEXT DOOR TO YOU...
... statistically this is a FACT. If the person next door to you isn't a paedophile then you are. And you better button down the hatches because we're coming for you with lynch justice.
THE TANGENT IS SUED…
…after claiming Tom Cruise is a ‘massive closet cock sucker’. The editor manages to avoid financial destitution by settling out of court. The settlement is that the editor has to convert to Scientology. It’s not so big a price to pay. The editor believes the only time women should make noise is during sexual intercourse anyway. Seen as this never happens when he’s guiding the loveboat the sacrifice isn’t too great. Plus, it brings him one step closer to Juliette Lewis.
JK ROWLING RETURNS...
... rich and bored, JK Rowling will return with a Harry Potter spin off featuring Professor Dumbledore who she revealed to be homosexual when she was laced with too much wine late in 2007. The novella 'Albus Dumbledore: the Gaping Bumhole and the College Years' will become the fastest selling book of all time and become a canon of gay literature. One gay critic will refer to it as ‘shitting all over Forster while rimming Oscar Wilde’.
KATE MOSS MARRIES TRAMPA-CLAUS...
...'I knew the first time I laid eyes on him outside Piccadilly station, begging bowl in hand, this was the man for me'. The wedding photos are sold for a record fee to Hello! magazine and the whole world wonders just how mashed off your face on crack you have to be to marry such a low down bum like Kate Moss.
X-FACTOR PROPELS UNKNOWN TO STARDOM...
...leaving us all wracking our brains trying to remember the name of the oik who won the show in 2007.
ISRAEL AND PALESTINE END CONFLICT...
... for 15 minutes until someone flagrantly mentions 'mothers' and the whole thing breaks out again.
RICHARD AND JUDY GO OFF AIR…
… so Richard can perfect his shoplifting techniques and Judy can write pap novels. Judy’s debut novel is about a woman who was aborted but survived, was then adopted, was then abused, was then raped and was then set on fire and attacked by turtles. Despite the radical material Judy is able to write the novel in less than 3 weeks and Richard and Judy return to our TV screens. In a predictable move Judy’s novel ‘A child called Hamish’ is made the Richard and Judy Big Read of the year, boosting the novels poor sales. People attempt to complain on air but find they are charged for the call despite not getting through to the complaints line…
OSAMA BIN LADEN FOUND...
...but after scientific testing is discovered to be a piece of birch wood. The US vows to continue the search for Bin Laden, the Weapons of Mass Destruction and the enchanted camel hoof.
APPLE RELEASE THE iCALCULATOR...
...but have to recall all units sold after it is discovered the device can't calculate 9+6.
BONO BECOMES STARVING AFRICAN...
... 'I figure it's the only way I'll get a bleeding Sainthood'. Bono dies after 3 days of starving and is overlooked by the Catholic Church Sainthood Department who make Michael Barrymore a Saint instead as he is shining example of 'buggery without consequence.' Bono does achieve a legacy however as his hat is inducted into Eindhoven's famous ‘Hats Worn by Prats’ museum.
SIR IAN BLAIR INVOLVED IN 15 COCKED-UP POLICE INVESTIGATIONS...
... but as this is a vast improvement on previous years he is awarded a 15% pay rise.
NHS 60TH ANNIVERSERY CELEBRATIONS…
… are put on hold as the old lady goes to the state funded National Celebration Service and is promptly put on a 9 year waiting list behind the increasingly impatient Millennium. Should have gone with BUPA…
DIGITAL TV SWITCHOVER…
… is a massive failure after it becomes clear that Currys and Dixons have been selling pensioners non-digital ready TV’s for the past 2 years. As pensioners are the only group of people bored enough with life to watch TV the switchovers maiden broadcast is greeted with the second lowest audience in TV history. The audience of one assures that ‘Cheggars does Rousseau’ holds on to its dubious honour.
EURO 2008 IS CANCELLED…
…after pressure from the English FA who argue that there’s not really any point in playing it without England.
