SHOPPING CENTRES ATTACK KIDS

Shopping centres have come under criticism after it was revealed they use a device designed to cause discomfort to teenagers in an attempt to get them to leave. 'The Mosquito' emits a high pitched frequency that is inaudible to people over 25 but causes discomfort in the ears of people under 25 due to the under-development of the ear at this age (I am not making this shit up). The device also causes dogs to get jiggy with Clinton Cards stuffed toys (I may have made this part up). It is estimated that 3,500 of the devices are in use around England.

Shopping centres are putting these in kid’s ears.

Centre Manager of Manchester’s Trafford Centre explained the devices were essential to the smooth operation of the shopping centre. “Kids come in here and hang around and generally cause a nuisance. Old people complain that they get ‘funny looks’ from the youths and feel they are rushed into buying the exact same products their neighbours have with less consideration than they would like. Worst of all the kids have no real disposable income, personally once they’ve had the Big Mac they can afford I’d like to take a cattle prod to them to get them out the doors."

Young people: absolutely terrifying

Campaigners argue that the device is cruel and claim to have received reports from some cities with multiple shopping centres that have been using the device to cause teenage warfare. The report suggests security staff at competing shopping centres use the device to force youths onto derelict wasteland. Then the youths are bombarded with the sound from all angles, go insane and transform into blood thirsty, flesh eating maniacs.

One security guard claimed this is an exaggeration and that shopping centres only resort to this ‘once, maybe twice a week and only in the interest of security, never for shits and giggles.”

Concerns have grown that causing groups to disperse in such a frenzied manner will also lead to a rise in coordinated paedophile attacks on youths. The Tangent discovered a complex ring of such characters posting on the garyglitter.com message boards planning to position themselves at various locations on the outskirts of shopping centre car parks and wait to ‘taste the sweet sweet gravy of youth’, as one sick poster said.

Do ya' wanna touch?

The Tangent understands the need to chase out young people from everywhere. No older person needs younger people around making them realise how old and close to DEATH they really are but we also accept that attacking kids ear drums with a seismic weapon probably isn’t that nice. As such we have put forward a set of recordings shopping centres can deploy from tannoy systems that will cause the teenagers to disperse frantically without causing them physical pain and will please the older shoppers at the same time:

Contact: news@TheTangentNewspaper.co.uk

LAURA AND RICHARD ARE GETTING MARRIED

Britney Spears hasn't killed herself yet, Amy Winehouse hasn't had an overdose and Pete Docherty is boring these days, so celebrity gossip is a bit thin on the ground. Between searching for porn and sick porn the Tangent found this site http://www.mcswordfish.net/wedding/.

Big news, obviously. This means that Richard is close to collecting £200,000 from the bookies. A strange, gangly looking Richard Keel got his dad to put a bet on in a Skye bookies way back last century.


The Isle of Skye and the 200 foot prehistoric bird like creature that protects it from the outside world.

His father presented the bookies with a picture of Richard and a picture of Laura asking, "what are the odds on these two getting hitched?" The book maker gave odds of 200,000 to 1, believing that Richard was a Jim Henson Fraggle Rock prototype and not a human. Keel Snr placed a £1 on the bet - a tenth of Skye's GNP.



Now the happy couple are set to cash in. Seen as they're about to receive this massive windfall this editor won't exactly be splashing out on an expensive wedding gift and will finally get rid of the Nutella stock surplus that Ferrero sent in January. Once you're married there's no point maintaining a slimline figure anyway, or bothering with hygiene for that matter. Anyone want to marry me?



Like all good working relationships, (The Mario Brothers, The Chuckle Brothers, The Cheeky Brothers) sacrifices have had to be made. Richard had to give up his enchanted ponytail of lavish red hair and Laura has had to agree to spend the rest of her life with Richard.



Here's to wedded bliss:


Contact: news@TheTangentNewspaper.co.uk

JEREMY BEADLE 1948-2008

Former TV hero Jeremy Beadle died yesterday as part of a cunning plan to re-launch his career. Beadle, speaking late last year revealed, “I’m working on something big. If Noel Edmonds and Jasper Carrott can get back on the box then I sure can. Edmonds wasn’t fit to eat my shit back in the day.”

Beadle enjoyed TV audiences of up to 19million in his heyday, the days of 3.42 channels of choice.

Beadle would only say of his 2008 project that “on one hand it might be a failure but on the other hand it’ll be massive.”

The Tangent’s TV reporter was able to uncover the details of Beadle’s plan, seen as it’s January and there’s no reality TV worth watching.

Stage 1: Death.

Stage 2: Beadle realised he was bound to end up in hell for a) playing cruel pranks on people while reaping huge financial success, b) the ‘Beadle’s About’ theme music and c) his beard. The second stage is to settle into hell and gain the devil’s trust.

Stage 3: Having won the trust of Satan, Beadle will casually mention that he can’t believe the devil still hangs around in hell instead of accepting God’s offer to return to heaven. Beadle will ask the devil if it’s a case of ‘better ruling in hell than serving in heaven”. Initially Satan will dismiss the idea of God having forgiven him and opening up the pearly gates to his fallen angel but over the weeks and months Beadle will convince Satan that this is the case. Beadle will suggest that perhaps the reason Satan didn’t get the message is that “Hotmail is shit”. Satan will see the logic in this.

Stage 4: Satan, having lived the life of a stunted teen, will throw off the angst and anger he has when he begins to believe the possibility of some Fatherly affection. Timid and nervous about his return to Heaven, Satan will ask Beadle to join him for his trip back to Heaven. At this stage Satan will be transported to a Granada TV studio that has been Lawrence Llewelyn Bowen designed and IKEA furnished to look like Heaven.

Stage 5: Morgan Freeman will reprise the role of God from Bruce Almighty and welcome Satan home. Pleasantries will be exchanged between the two, such as ‘you look the same as the day I tried to take over!” and “still wearing that stupid goatee, I see.” (that’s directed at Satan, not Beadle). God will tell Satan that all he has to do to stay in Heaven is ‘pull my finger’

Stage 6: When Satan pulls God’s finger alarms and bells will sound and Beadle will reveal the prank to a shocked Dark Lord. Beadle will explain that instead of being in Heaven they are barely out of hell, being in Manchester. Beadle will then point out the hidden cameras to Satan and tell him the whole world has seen him make a “massive tit out of himself”.

Manchester, so grim it made The Smiths.

Stage 7: Having outfoxed the devil, Beadle will become an entertainment phenomenon all over again. ITV won’t know how to treat him so will go for the old standard of over exposure, asking Beadle to appear on Loose Women, The Alan Titchmarsh Show and The Jeremy Kyle show all in the same day. Like Noel Edmonds, Beadle will rejoice in his reclaimed fame and act in exactly the same manner that got him booted out of TV in the first place.

Contact: news@TheTangentNewspaper.co.uk