This field cast over 8,000 votes for Mugabe.
Contact: news@TheTangentNewspaper.co.uk
posted by The Ed at
11:11 PM
Monday, 31 March 2008
Contact: news@TheTangentNewspaper.co.uk
BA TAKES RADICAL STEPS TO SOLVE HEATHROW BAGGAGE CRISIS.
After much criticism of BA for introducing a crap baggage system which led to over 200 flights being cancelled and a backlog of 15,000 suitcases piling up in Heathrow like a sports dominated modern version of the bag pile up in block 5 of Auschwitz, BA has resorted to radical steps to clear the backlog.
A BA spokesman said that the company had formulated 3 plans to clear the backlog.
A. Deploy Alan Sugar.
Plan A involved the hard work, no brains business ethics of Sir Alan Sugar being deployed in a bid to clear the backlog. No other details were discussed as it was assumed Sir Alan would 'make it fixed'. Even if it all went wrong BA had still moved the problem on and could then blame someone else.
Plan A was dismissed on numerous grounds. Firstly Sir Alan Sugar is busy being a TV host and is counting down the days until Non-Sir Bruce Forsyth croaks it. Sugar would require a huge sum of money to walk away from the opportunity of being the BBC's favourite pensioner. There were also concerns that Sir Alan Sugar would just go around firing anyone he assessed as incompetent. The fear here was that this being BA 99% of the workforce would be gone within 24 hours. Finally, BA chiefs are said to be really irritated by Sugar's accent.
B. Deploy John Smeaton.
Plan B involved deployment of the world's most famous baggage handler and alleged terrorist foiler supreme, John Smeaton. Similar to the Sugar plan there was no further planning as to how this individual would be able to sort out the baggage backlog, just an assumption that he would. And as with Sugar, if he failed then the blame had passed on to someone else.
"Haw, Spiv heid, where'd'ya want this bag?"
Plan B was dismissed due to recent allegations that maybe instead of some wonder working class hero going around putting a stop to international terrorism while cheering on the Gers at the weekend John Smeaton is actually just a lying bastard.
There were also fears that as Smeaton currently has about 1000 pints to plow through after internet mugs ignored all guidelines of the 'Drink Responsibly' campaign and basically bought the man a Tennant's Brewary (Yes, I'm jealous - where's my internet mugs pledging me pints?) that Smeaton would be steamboats on the job. As with Sugar, Smeaton's accent was a concern for BA. Smeaton's accent is more than just annoying, it's largely incomprehensible. Also John Smeaton wouldn't travel to Heathrow as he doesn't feel comfortable leaving Scotland along with the majority of Scot's who aren't comfortable with Smeaton leaving Scotland (or appearing on TV as a representative of Scotland).
C. Crash luggage into houses.
Plan C involves loading small private planes with as much luggage as they can hold and then flying them into the houses of the people whose flights were cancelled last week. This has the advantage of 'sweeping the luggage under the carpet' as the crash will destroy any trace of it and also the crash will kill the people who would soon come seeking compensation for the cancelled flights.
Last night saw a small passenger plane crash into a home where the residents were said to be 'on holiday'.
BA were not available to comment on whether Plan C has been implemented or not.
Contact: news@TheTangentNewspaper.co.uk
After much criticism of BA for introducing a crap baggage system which led to over 200 flights being cancelled and a backlog of 15,000 suitcases piling up in Heathrow like a sports dominated modern version of the bag pile up in block 5 of Auschwitz, BA has resorted to radical steps to clear the backlog.
A BA spokesman said that the company had formulated 3 plans to clear the backlog.
A. Deploy Alan Sugar.
Plan A involved the hard work, no brains business ethics of Sir Alan Sugar being deployed in a bid to clear the backlog. No other details were discussed as it was assumed Sir Alan would 'make it fixed'. Even if it all went wrong BA had still moved the problem on and could then blame someone else.
Plan A was dismissed on numerous grounds. Firstly Sir Alan Sugar is busy being a TV host and is counting down the days until Non-Sir Bruce Forsyth croaks it. Sugar would require a huge sum of money to walk away from the opportunity of being the BBC's favourite pensioner. There were also concerns that Sir Alan Sugar would just go around firing anyone he assessed as incompetent. The fear here was that this being BA 99% of the workforce would be gone within 24 hours. Finally, BA chiefs are said to be really irritated by Sugar's accent.
B. Deploy John Smeaton.
Plan B involved deployment of the world's most famous baggage handler and alleged terrorist foiler supreme, John Smeaton. Similar to the Sugar plan there was no further planning as to how this individual would be able to sort out the baggage backlog, just an assumption that he would. And as with Sugar, if he failed then the blame had passed on to someone else.
"Haw, Spiv heid, where'd'ya want this bag?"
Plan B was dismissed due to recent allegations that maybe instead of some wonder working class hero going around putting a stop to international terrorism while cheering on the Gers at the weekend John Smeaton is actually just a lying bastard.
There were also fears that as Smeaton currently has about 1000 pints to plow through after internet mugs ignored all guidelines of the 'Drink Responsibly' campaign and basically bought the man a Tennant's Brewary (Yes, I'm jealous - where's my internet mugs pledging me pints?) that Smeaton would be steamboats on the job. As with Sugar, Smeaton's accent was a concern for BA. Smeaton's accent is more than just annoying, it's largely incomprehensible. Also John Smeaton wouldn't travel to Heathrow as he doesn't feel comfortable leaving Scotland along with the majority of Scot's who aren't comfortable with Smeaton leaving Scotland (or appearing on TV as a representative of Scotland).
C. Crash luggage into houses.
Plan C involves loading small private planes with as much luggage as they can hold and then flying them into the houses of the people whose flights were cancelled last week. This has the advantage of 'sweeping the luggage under the carpet' as the crash will destroy any trace of it and also the crash will kill the people who would soon come seeking compensation for the cancelled flights.
Last night saw a small passenger plane crash into a home where the residents were said to be 'on holiday'.
BA were not available to comment on whether Plan C has been implemented or not.
Contact: news@TheTangentNewspaper.co.uk
posted by The Ed at
11:16 AM
Saturday, 22 March 2008
POST OFFICE CLOSURES SET TO CAUSE HAVOC
This week saw confirmation that thousands of Post Offices are to be closed up and down the country. This development has left people everywhere asking... where will old people go to hang about all day?
The Tangent respects and cares for the welfare of Britain's geriatrics so we have undertaking the task of sounding out possible alternatives (we're also looking for a Pulitzer prize).
Local Butcher
Pros: Happy and friendly demeanor whether chopping his meat inches from your face or serving you up ecoli.
Cons: Your local butcher went out of business in 1992 because you kept shopping at Tesco.
Marks and Spencer
Pros: British.
Cons: The clothing is probably too old fashioned and outdated, even for pensioners.
The pub
Pros: They serve booze.
Cons: Being old, you already smell a bit iffy. Probably best not adding beer farts and stale booze into the mix if you want the family to keep up their pity visits.
Subway
Pros: You can make a 79p tea last all day as staff won't bother asking you to leave (unless you're in the Sauchiehall Street branch where you'll be kindly asked to 'fuck off').
Cons: Queues aren't any fun if they're fast moving.
Subway staff: f**king sexy.
HMV
Pros: The music they play is nothing but a racket.
Cons: The music they play is nothing but a racket.
Vodafone/02/Orange/T-mobile
Pros: Staff are so tidy and friendly when presenting you with long term bad deals.
Cons: It's a FACT that mobile phones make your head burst into flames within 5 seconds of being in there proximity.
The Bank
Pros: They probably are stealing your money. You might be able to catch them at it.
Cons: The bank know your address. If you're hanging around all day they'll also know you're not at home. What do you think is going to happen to all the thousands of pounds you have stuffed into your pillow?
C0-operative Funeral Homes
Pros: You can inquire about old friends and find out if you've outlived them.
Cons: They might start measuring you up.
Topshop
Pros: Ross Kemp used to advertise for them. Old men want to be Ross Kemp, old women want to blow off the cobwebs for him.
Cons: Young people. Young people with no individual fashion.
A soft cuddly toy. Holding a teddy.
Greggs
Pros: Pastries just like they used to make in the good old days...
Cons: ... if they used to make them with 2.43% meat content back in the good old days.
The Garage (Glasgow)
Pros: Standards are so low you might get laid.
Cons: You have to spend the night in the garage first.
Contact: news@TheTangentNewspaper.co.uk
This week saw confirmation that thousands of Post Offices are to be closed up and down the country. This development has left people everywhere asking... where will old people go to hang about all day?
The Tangent respects and cares for the welfare of Britain's geriatrics so we have undertaking the task of sounding out possible alternatives (we're also looking for a Pulitzer prize).
Local Butcher
Pros: Happy and friendly demeanor whether chopping his meat inches from your face or serving you up ecoli.
Cons: Your local butcher went out of business in 1992 because you kept shopping at Tesco.
Marks and Spencer
Pros: British.
Cons: The clothing is probably too old fashioned and outdated, even for pensioners.
The pub
Pros: They serve booze.
Cons: Being old, you already smell a bit iffy. Probably best not adding beer farts and stale booze into the mix if you want the family to keep up their pity visits.
Subway
Pros: You can make a 79p tea last all day as staff won't bother asking you to leave (unless you're in the Sauchiehall Street branch where you'll be kindly asked to 'fuck off').
Cons: Queues aren't any fun if they're fast moving.
Subway staff: f**king sexy.
HMV
Pros: The music they play is nothing but a racket.
Cons: The music they play is nothing but a racket.
Vodafone/02/Orange/T-mobile
Pros: Staff are so tidy and friendly when presenting you with long term bad deals.
Cons: It's a FACT that mobile phones make your head burst into flames within 5 seconds of being in there proximity.
The Bank
Pros: They probably are stealing your money. You might be able to catch them at it.
Cons: The bank know your address. If you're hanging around all day they'll also know you're not at home. What do you think is going to happen to all the thousands of pounds you have stuffed into your pillow?
C0-operative Funeral Homes
Pros: You can inquire about old friends and find out if you've outlived them.
Cons: They might start measuring you up.
Topshop
Pros: Ross Kemp used to advertise for them. Old men want to be Ross Kemp, old women want to blow off the cobwebs for him.
Cons: Young people. Young people with no individual fashion.
A soft cuddly toy. Holding a teddy.
Greggs
Pros: Pastries just like they used to make in the good old days...
Cons: ... if they used to make them with 2.43% meat content back in the good old days.
The Garage (Glasgow)
Pros: Standards are so low you might get laid.
Cons: You have to spend the night in the garage first.
Contact: news@TheTangentNewspaper.co.uk
posted by The Ed at
12:45 PM
Wednesday, 12 March 2008
BUDGET 2008.
Odd looking Chancellor Alisdair 'oh' Darling delivered his first budget today. Darling stung middle class people everywhere raising whiskey prices for the first time in a decade and charging tax on cars with high emissions, the latter comes in with immediate effect, as of 2009. A combination of middle class upset (elegantly vapid letters have caused The Times inbox to collapse) and people tuned into to neighbours (now on Channel FIVE! FIVE! FIVE!) meant that Darling slipped in the biggest budget surprise largely unnoticed.
Alisdair Darling outside Downing Street
"In response to a slowing world economy we are going to introduce an exciting new currency which will encourage people to keep spending like they've got AIDs." Mr Darling then unveiled that the pound will be replaced with The Lego.
This pile of currency is worth the equivalent of £47.13. Simple.
"When we toyed with introducing the Euro into Britain all those years ago we promised the people a referendum before any currency change took place. However, this is the Lego, not the Euro. It has a different name so is therefore fundamentally different. As such there will be no referendum and as of this second all the Sterling in your pocket holds about as much worth as
parenting tips from Britney Spears."
Britney Spears: I still would.
A brief outline of the way the currency works is: 1 blocks are the lowest value in the currency, 2 blocks are worth twice as much, if a two block is thick then it is worth 2.45x as a 1 block but only 1.16x a thin block. Unless the two block is blue in which case it is worth 3.2x more than the thick two block but only a quarter of a 6x8. Unless the 6x8 block is green. Mr Darling revealed that Prime Minister Gordon Brown has worked extensively alongside Mr Darling on the new currency to make sure it as clear and easy to understand as the Family Tax Credits scheme Brown implemented as Chancellor.
This man's a Lego millionaire. He's dead, but rich and that's all that matters.
Contact: news@TheTangentNewspaper.co.uk
Odd looking Chancellor Alisdair 'oh' Darling delivered his first budget today. Darling stung middle class people everywhere raising whiskey prices for the first time in a decade and charging tax on cars with high emissions, the latter comes in with immediate effect, as of 2009. A combination of middle class upset (elegantly vapid letters have caused The Times inbox to collapse) and people tuned into to neighbours (now on Channel FIVE! FIVE! FIVE!) meant that Darling slipped in the biggest budget surprise largely unnoticed.
Alisdair Darling outside Downing Street
"In response to a slowing world economy we are going to introduce an exciting new currency which will encourage people to keep spending like they've got AIDs." Mr Darling then unveiled that the pound will be replaced with The Lego.
This pile of currency is worth the equivalent of £47.13. Simple.
"When we toyed with introducing the Euro into Britain all those years ago we promised the people a referendum before any currency change took place. However, this is the Lego, not the Euro. It has a different name so is therefore fundamentally different. As such there will be no referendum and as of this second all the Sterling in your pocket holds about as much worth as
parenting tips from Britney Spears."
Britney Spears: I still would.
A brief outline of the way the currency works is: 1 blocks are the lowest value in the currency, 2 blocks are worth twice as much, if a two block is thick then it is worth 2.45x as a 1 block but only 1.16x a thin block. Unless the two block is blue in which case it is worth 3.2x more than the thick two block but only a quarter of a 6x8. Unless the 6x8 block is green. Mr Darling revealed that Prime Minister Gordon Brown has worked extensively alongside Mr Darling on the new currency to make sure it as clear and easy to understand as the Family Tax Credits scheme Brown implemented as Chancellor.
This man's a Lego millionaire. He's dead, but rich and that's all that matters.
Contact: news@TheTangentNewspaper.co.uk
posted by The Ed at
4:03 PM
|