WWE DEFEATED BY WWF

World Wrestling Entertainment has failed with an audacious bid to reclaim former acronym WWF from the World Wildlife Fund. The wrestling organisation previously went by the name World Wrestling Federation which was often abbreviated to WWF on merchandise. The World Wildlife Fund forced the wrestling company to change to WWE so that the promotion and preservation of large dumb mammals wasn't confused with the work of the wildlife fund.

Always on the lookout for a quick link up buck (step forward Mr T, Mike Tyson, Kevin Federline and Floyd Mayweather) the WWE approached the WWF about a glamour wrestling extravaganza between both organisations to decide who gets to use the WWF acronym. WWE hoped to settle the issue by arranging a steel cage match between icons of both camps.

The WWF admitted that it was sick of the WWE ‘trash talking’ the wildlife organisation but rejected the idea on the grounds that forcing an animal to wrestle a man in a steel cage amounted to animal cruelty. Upon removal of the steel cage condition the WWF was satisfied that there was no cruelty involved and a deal was struck.

The fight took place last night in New York’s Madison Square Garden in front of a packed audience. Hulk Hogan represented the WWE’s interests while a panda called Boomy represented the WWF.

For a while the fight looked as if it would be a farce as the aging, clumsy beast sat in the corner of the ring seemingly content to scratch his arse and keep an eye on his young. The panda didn’t look too interested either. (Yes, that’s the punchline from the first paragraph. If you’d like to avoid being subjected to the same jokes over and over again best go watch The Catherine Tate show. Oh wait…).

Hulk Hogan’s lawyers have informed The Tangent that any dubious innuendo about Brooke being better in the ring than her dad will be punished by a lawsuit and a leg drop, brother.

The fight only sprung into action when Boomy’s manager diverted the attention of the Hulkster. Donny ‘The Dog’ Mathers, who happens to be an actual dog, jumped into the Madison Square Crowd and proceeded to hump Brooke Hogan’s leg. An enraged Hulk creaked out of the ring and attempted to shoe the dog off. Seeing that this was having no effect, Hulk then tossed a Hulk Hogan Power Apple Nutrition Bar to the side, briefly distracting Donny Mathers but ultimately giving him the 'max strenth steroid free energy boost' needed to complete the job.

Donny fled the scene leaving Brooke with Humpamania running all over her. The Hulkster suddenly remembered the wrestling match and made a desperate attempt to get back in the ring before a count out was declared and victory handed to the World Wildlife Fund. Being 804 the Hulk failed to make it in time. Although Hulk’s lack of pace meant the broadcast team were able to replay the moment of defeat in real time, avoiding having to compile slow motion replays.

Boomy was cheered by a delirious crowd but became unpopular with the audience after picking up a steel chair and attacking a dejected Hulk Hogan. The message was clear: don’t try this at home or else a panda may beat the shit out of you with a tinfoil chair.

Contact: news@TheTangentNewspaper.co.uk

KELLOGS RELEASE NEW ADULT RANGE OF CEREALS

Kellogs have revealed they are set to release x-rated adult themed versions of some famous ranges. The first to get the X rated treatment is Rice Crispies. Cereal mascots Snap, Crackle and Pop are to become Grope, Flash and Slap on the Ass in a bid to encourage more adults to eat cereal in the morning.



A Kellogs spokesperson said, “Surveys show that eating breakfast comes below getting to work early enough to brown nose the boss or taking a detour past the local all girls secondary school for most adult males. For women, watching Jeremy Kyle, ‘discussing periods’ or darning socks takes precendence over eating breakfast. Reasuuringly both genders would rather eat breakfast than listen to the Chris Moyles breakfast show.”


Hmm... the only thing about Moyles that is lean pickings?

“Other surveys show that adults like to have sex, some even with their partners. Therefore we are taking the characters that adults grew up with and making them sexy. Why can’t breakfast be sexy? Because you look like Cherie Blair answering the door? Or because your mouth smells like hog anus? Nonsense. Besides, it’s very important that people eat breakfast. It’s especially important if you’re on the payroll at Kellogs.”



Struggling for anywhere else to go with this story The Tangent phoned some religious groups for their reaction. Religious groups are angered though probably not as angered as they will be when they find out the whole God thing is a crock of crap. Lucky they’ll be too dead to notice.



The first packs of X rated ‘Rice Krixpies’ will include 4 free porno playing cards. If the range proves a success then Kellogs are set to unveil Special G, Horn Flakes and Cherry Pops which makes the milk go…

Contact: news@TheTangentNewspaper.co.uk