NHS INVOLVED IN HIGHER PURCHASE DEAL WITH THE ROYAL BANK OF SCOTLAND
The Royal Bank of Scotland has purchased a revolutionary new scanner on behalf of the NHS. The details of the deal are reproduced below but it is hoped the £4 million scanner, which captures detailed images of organs, will improve speed of diagnosis and liven up Royal Bank of Scotland Christmas parties.
Your days are numbered.
The particulars of the deal:
The NHS gets to use the equipment 75% of the time, RBOS 25%.
RBOS staff are to be given priority over NHS patients waiting to be scanned by the device.
The NHS pays 0% interest for the first 13 months*
The NHS enjoys cheap tacked on benefits such as 2 for 1 meal discounts in thousands of restaurants**, discounts on compact discs and cassette tapes*** and free travel insurance****
*****
*2.5% arrangement fee, interest is 29.9% thereafter.
** for thousands read ‘hundreds’ and for restaurants read ‘Weatherspoons’.
*** only applicable to Val Doonican recordings.
**** when traveling to Stornoway and Tiree from Heathrow Airport on a Tuesday.
***** the NHS is at risk of repossession if it fails to keep up with repayments.
Critics of the deal say that it contradicts the NHS philosophy of free and equal access at the point of treatment for all however those involved in the deal or directly benefiting from it suggest otherwise.
Dr Allen at the Edinburgh hospital where the scanner shall be used (75% of the time) says that the principle of the NHS offering equal access to treatment has long been chipped away at. “You only have to spend a few minutes on an NHS ward to realise that the majority of people taking advantage of NHS treatment and resources are poor people, even in somewhere as blatantly posh as Edinburgh. Rich people can’t get a shot because the poor have a monopoly on ill health and therefore NHS services, in what way does that suggest equal treatment?”
Dr Allen of Edinburgh Royal Infirmary.
A senior executive of the Royal Bank was also available to defend the deal. “This is not the first time the banks have provided public institutions with equipment. For example, since the ‘bank charges’ case went to the High Court we have purchased many large plasma screens to kit out the country’s courts with and will continue to do so for as long as that case is delayed. This scanner will help the NHS make better diagnoses of disease. If only one person is saved through this equipment and then goes on to get into debt then this machine will have been worth it.”
Other bank/public body link ups due:
Abbey National to fund maths lessons in comprehensive schools (Outgoings>incomes = CREDIT).
Barclays to buy £2million of computer equipment for councils in exchange for green belt land.
Llyods offer £1 million to renovate Job Centres and to train staff to promote loans to the unemployed.
Northern Rock to buy a stapler and hole punch for HM Revenue and Custom in exchange for their file to be ‘lost’.
RBOS refused to comment on rumours that the purchase suggests some high ranking member of the organisation has a difficult to diagnose condition and that the bank are working on efforts to adapt the equipment for the purposes of credit checks.
Contact:
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