CRIME FROM SPACE!

Gordon Brown has backed a report suggesting that online maps should be used to display crime patterns. The report stated that people feel ‘too distant’ from the justice system and recommends analysing crime from a distance as great as space is the way to resolve this.


Crime: as seen from space.

The Tangent took to the streets (well, we sort of live on the streets) to gauge public opinion for the proposal:

David Agnew, some local geezer said, “I mean, I’ve personally never been a victim of crime nor has anyone I know but it’s plain to see that crime is everywhere.”

A map of Britain, the redder areas denoting the highest crime rates.

Mrs Sandford, 82, took time out from doing nothing to tell us, “Well I’m keen to see crime reduced but I’m not sure about this. Would you need an internet? They can steal your identity on those things. My friend of 50 years, Mrs Smith, had that happen to her. I went round one week as it was my turn to get the Woman’s Own and poor old Mrs Smith didn’t have any identity anymore.”

Women’s Own: scientifically proven to contain more pap than The Tangent and not nearly as much discussion about being on the rag.

Mike Monaghan, 34 said, “The problem is that prisons are like holiday camps. We don’t need to spend loads putting fancy satellites in space we just need to bring back hanging, like we had in the good old days of Ricketts and syphilis.

A modern prison.

In other news, a misleading headline in a Tabloid newspaper suggesting aliens are set to launch a crime wave has seen average Americans go wild and kill each other in the streets and conspiracy theorist release a collective 'we told you so' statement. Whoops.

Contact: news@TheTangentNewspaper.co.uk