TANGENT TIPS ON BEATING THE CREDIT CRUNCH

Alcohol is an expensive part of most people’s budget yet is a vital part of temporarily escaping a miserable existence. Save money by drinking screen wash, it has a higher alcoholic content than Tennants lager and doesn’t taste as bad.

Don’t bother feeding your children. You can always make more during a more stable economic climate. If they fall ill then the NHS will force-feed them for FREE on your behalf and if Kate and Gerry McCann didn’t get charged with neglect then you’re hardly likely to.

Don't pay your TV License. You'll only encorage them.

Fake your death in a canoe accident and disappear to Panama while your other half claims the life insurance.

Food prices have ROCKETED. When shopping remember to buy in bulk, don’t shop on an empty stomach and that it’s ok to shoplift from the major supermarkets as they can afford it. Also, try growing your own vegetables in your garden. They may go on to win Olympic gold at the paras and bring in lucrative sponsorship deals.

You’d be amazed how much one-night stands trust you. Before you bugger off in the morning have a rummage through the person’s wallet/purse.

If you own lots of houses and are facing crippling mortgage repayments on properties you don’t actually spend anytime in maybe it’s time to sell one, you greedy cunt.

Price of a litre of petrol = £1.15.
Price of a packet of strong mints = 40p.
Price for half a metre of plastic tubing = 50p
Price of jerry can = £3.99.

Sweet taste of success in your mouth as you siphon next doors petrol = Priceless.

If you’re a smoker, dowt pick.

Instead of buying stamps just draw a rough caricature of the Queen in the top right hand corner of letters.

Energy prices have been HIKED by lots of percents. Instead of using central heating why not line your walls with sleeping bags, replace windows with bricks and wear 14 jumpers? Also, instead of turning on lights wear a miner’s hat.

If you have a workforce sack them all citing ‘global economic factors’.

Replace your Polish gardener with one from out with the EU.

Stop wasting your money on shit.

Make new outfits by piecing together clothes you don’t wear any more.


Find a credit card with a 0% interest rate for an extended period then apply for it in a false name.

Always thought you were too good to sit on a street corner and beg for spare change? Maybe it’s time to rethink that policy.

Contact: news@TheTangentNewspaper.co.uk