The Department of Employment has revealed that people tuning into terrible day time TV is at a 12 year high. A Job Centre spokesman said, "We've tried to make high unemployment rates easier on everyone by scheduling signing on times around The Wright Stuff and Jeremy Kyle."


The threat of Kilroy-Silk looms large.

48 year old TV viewer John Brewster explained how watching trashy TV was helping him cope with the disappointment of losing his job. "It's not a bad life. I get up around 11, watch a chat show or two - there was this one the other day where a goat was having an affair with some scouse trollop and her husband was completely oblivious until they brought the goat out and it started humping her leg. Brilliant."

"Then there's commercial breaks showing people in a pile of bills bawling their bloody eyes out. I'll admit, those ones are a bit depressing so after a few commercial breaks I normally start drinking cider. By the time Loose Women comes on I'm feeling good enough to crack one off over the panel. All this without even putting on a shirt and tie."


Who doesn't have a hard-on?

Young people have been hardest hit by rising unemployment rates with over 15% of 18-24 year olds currently unemployed. ITV released a press release congratulating themselves on attracting a chunk of this audience. "The greatest challenge broadcasters have faced in the past is keeping young people interested in our programming. Scientific research has shown that young people are not idiotic enough to want to watch something with Ross Kemp in it, or people from soaps doing each other's laundry."

"But now young people have no choice and have to watch our summer offerings of Ross Kemp on Ghenghis Khan and Soap Star Potato Waffle Cook Off."

Not all youngsters are convinced by TV's offerings. 20 year old Gavin Thompson said the recessional unemployment has allowed him and many of his friends to engage their 'vigorously active libidos' more often. "It's sort of like having retirement at a time in your life when you're not crippled and can enjoy it. And to make ends meet I've taken up stealing car stereos. Sure beats watching Philip Schofield pretend to be interested in what's happening in the Bill."