An MP who has previously stated ordinary people should be prepared to tackle anti-social behaviour has had seven shades of shit knocked out of him after attempting to tackle an incident of anti-social behaviour.

Tobias Ellwood approached the 4 youths because they were playing football in the street. "I kindly asked them to take their ball and play with it down Scalleywag Street, pointing out that my street was home to some very expensive Lexus'. The youth's didn't respond well, pointing out my bouffant hair and referring to my superior upbringing."


Tobias Ellwood, taking it to anti-social behaviour one self-induced ass handing at a time.

"I then explained to them the anti-social nature of what they were doing and asked shouldn't they be off playing Playstation instead?" The Tory MP had a similar experience last year when he confronted a group of six year olds digging for worms in a local park. "That time the anti-social mob threw some stones at me. This gang were much more vicious, a sure sign of New Labour failing to make young people respect their elders."

"One of the youths curled an inch perfect strike of the ball straight into my nose. I fell to the ground then there was a horrible sound as they attacked me. It was like a constant guffaw but much more guttural."

"Once they left I picked myself up, dusted myself down and took myself of to an NHS hospital where the overworked staff, suffering under a long era of New Labour rule sent me home saying there was nothing wrong with me when clearly I had a bloody nose and was in desperate need of a cup of tea."

Gang expert Ross Kemp commented on the incident. "If Gorbals Mick confronted a gang then maybe, just maybe he could get somewhere. When you confront a gang and you're called Tobias you really are fucked."