TOP GEAR MYSTERY: IS IT REALLY CLARKSON?


"If I stand up people are going to know I've shit myself."

Long in the tooth BBC establishment Top Gear began its 490th series by trying to fool viewers into believing Michael Schumacher is the man behind the show's mysterious Stig character. The stunt was expected to reignite all that old debate about the identity of the Stig but instead has led viewers to ask if the overgrown oaf seen presenting the show was really Jeremy Clarkson.

Tom Bradshaw, a long time viewer who buys Porsche branded clothes and merchandise but doesn't own a Porsche said, "There's no way that was Clarkson. Are we to believe Jeremy would interview a German and not give him what's for about the war, ask him if the women have hairy armpits, or make some strained joke about German's stealing deck chairs on holiday? He didn't even call him a nazi."


Clarkson, before BBC make-up works its magic.

The BBC moved quickly to ensure viewers the idiot hosting the show was indeed Jeremy Clarkson and promised he would insult a minority on next weeks show to prove it. "It really was Clarkson, I've looked at his fee for the show and it's definitely Clarkson. Since the death of variety shows he's the only 6 foot 5 inch freak still getting that sort of money."

Michael Schumacher was quick to release a statement distancing himself from the role of The Stig, for people who care, "What most people who believe I'm the Stig seem to be overlooking is that that edition of Top Gear featured the new Ferrari FXX. I work for Ferrari. Is it all becoming clear yet? If not please pay attention to the fact that I WON SEVEN F1 CHAMPIONSHIPS just so I wouldn't have to be involved with rubbish like Top Gear when I'm retired."

To continue flogging the Stig's identity horse the BBC is expected to have a host of guest stars claiming to be the driver over the rest of the series, culminating in the shocking and utterly untrue revelation that the Stig is Maureen from BBC's driving school.