MANDELSON ANNOUNCES PLANS TO ENSURE UNIVERSITIES CHURN OUT EVEN MORE ABSOLUTE MORONS.

Business Secretary and Dark Lord Peter Mandelson has announced cuts to University spending in a move to ensure that Universities produce a higher percentage of moron graduates than seen previously.

"I will eat your baby."

Mandleson explained, "This £533 million cut is punishment to the Universities for taking on all those extra students who couldn't get a job after we screwed up the labour market.  We would have much preferred those people on the dole.  They are mildly more expensive there in the short term, but long term they are much more likely to develop a heroin habit and end up dead on the street.  Instead they are now spending that student  money on fun, thinking they're the first people to ever get drunk 3 days running."

The cut is expected to impact directly on the delivery of courses meaning subjects will be poorly organised, offer lean materials and be delivered by strange little men who live in the hope that an 18 year old may sleep with them for a pass.  Some education experts believe this will be the case for nearly 90% of University courses now, instead of the current 75%.

"I would expect that the old classics will be sacrificed first.  The ones where you read books, discuss politics and the meaning of life and all that terrible stuff that forms 'opinions' in people.  After that all students will do courses that are purely vocational, blob through uni for 4 years and get in the queue with 7,000 other graduates for a minimum wage job." said Mandelson.

"The more morons universities churn out the better for everyone.  We've really really made a mess of things and worse is still to come when the other lot are let loose.  Isn't it better that future generations are too dumb and poorly educated to realise how extraordinary shit everything is?  I think the answer is a resounding yes."

Paul Aiken, a hopeful University Fresher in 2010 said, "I don't understand any of this.  Is it likely to affect my chances of joining an American style Frat House and chugging kegs?  If not, get out of my way - I've got an A level essay to buy off the internet."

Contact: news@TheTangentNewspaper.co.uk

Simon Cowell declares himself world's jammiest bastard. 

World's wimpiest burglars found in Ben Fogle's house.