UK REFUSES TO LEGISLATE ON FILE SHARING BUT PROMISES TO PULL OUT THE FINGERNAILS OF ANYONE WHO DOWNLOADS COLDPLAY.

The UK's Intellectual Property Minister has revealed that the government is not going to force internet service providers to pursue file sharers. David Lammy said "We can't have a system where you're talking about arresting teenagers in their bedrooms. Think of all the shit music we had to pay to listen to when we were teenagers. Was that fair? I'm not going to force kids to pay for something they're going to regret listening to in less than 3 years time and I'm certainly not going to make them criminals for stealing a Fall Out Boy album. Although I will be forced to personally torture anyone who downloads Coldplay. Man, I hate that band."

Resisting enormous pressure from a music industry that was previously scared that home taping would kill it, David Lammy vowed not to entertain the question of legislating on file sharing again. Not until he'd at least downloaded the entire Metallica back catalogue which, considering the average Metallica solo last for 14.5 minutes, gives us considerable respite to steal music.

Feargal Sharkey who, as part of The Undertones, wrote the song that music legend John Peel regarded as his favourite said that most file sharers would be 'happy to pay for file sharing'. For an indication of what Feargal Sharkey knows about the music industry since singing on a punk masterpiece watch the video below...

The music industry was stunned by the announcement and said that music is now essentially DEAD. The music industry now has no way of paying its bills and is expected to consolidate all its monthly outgoings into one grotesque payment. A spokesman for the Music Industry said, "the only way we can make ends meet is to go into charity shops and see if they have a license for the music they're playing. If they don't and can't pay us then we'll take over their premises."

Experts say that if the Music Industry doesn't act this way it will be so dead that next time you go to play a CD it simply won't work.

Sir Paul Stephenson has been installed as the new Metropolitan Police Commissioner and immediately promised to surpass the work of previous top cop Sir Ian Blair. "We have to look back at events of Sir Ian's tenure and assess them critically. Sir Ian took the Met into new areas of farce. We have to learn from that. The challenge is to get the Met into even more ridiculous situations. It's a tough job but I'm the man to do it."

"Ian's various cock ups made us all forget about what it is that the police force is renowned for, institutionalised racism. As has been seen on BBCs Ashes to Ashes those were simple, halcyon days and I'd like to usher in a return to them. Starting tomorrow people with a 'funny name' in the Met will have to wear a special star to denote this."

Most experts say that Sir Paul faces a tough task to be involved in something more stupid than the killing of suspected terrorist Jean Charles De Menzes. It is believed the only way Sir Paul could top this is to oversee an operation storming a nursery school and gunning down some children playing in sand pits. You know, just in case.

Sir Ian Blair offered his resignation after claiming London Mayor Boris Johnson didn't support him. Sir Paul Stephenson has received the necessary backing from the Mayor. Johnson said, "I like Sir Paul. We used to slag scousers together back in the day. We'd invent fantasies about stealing stereos and put on the silly scouser voice. Ha. Then we'd make prank calls to that Beatle, the one that's not dead." With Boris Johnson's notoriously good judgement,in his favour how can Stephenson fail?

Jonathan Ross returned to our screens last week and caused UNSHOCK with a performance that has been like all his others. Ross was suspended from TV for 12 weeks for his part in phoning up a pensioner and screaming 'he fucked your granddaughter' at him. Some foolish TV experts believed Ross would use the time away from churning out crap to re-invent his broadcast style.


One twick pony.

However it was apparent from early on in the show that Ross would continue the risque innuendos that even your smutty uncle thinks are too obvious, your uncle that used to touch you and alluded to it on your wedding day. Ross opened the show by saying that he'd spent the 12 weeks 'masturbating furiously' to pictures of Megan Fox. "Boy oh boy, is she a FOX!" He then began to speak about George Bush leaving office but sensing that his audience were unwilling to listen to politics said, "Um, I like Bush... if you know what I mean. I like BUSH. You know, FANNY?"



Dr Fox and Megan Fox. The similarities don't go beyond the name.

The crass humour deployed invoked all the old debate about whether Jonathan Ross is worth the salary the BBC pay him. "How much would the Beeb pay Ross if he was actually funny?", one anonymous message board poster asked on the BBC website. The BBC released a statement saying that 6 people found last Friday's show entertainig and that represented great value for money for the license payer at £98 million per happy customer. They also said they would pay him 'billions and billions' if he was actually funny.

Ross has been forced to tone down his act somewhat. The annoying musical side show '4 Poofs and a Piano' were renamed 'A quartet of adult consenting homosexual men who like to make sweet music together - at a piano'. Also he had Tom Cruise on his sofa and never said "Tom, lets all stop kidding on here, you're gay aren't you?"


Tom Cruise, I've been informed by my lawyers that saying Tom Cruise is gay is likely to resort in a law suit. However it is ok to claim that he is, 'bone hungry', 'cock crazy' and an 'Abba fan'.

In other Jonathan Ross related news, The Tangent inbox has been flooded with emails from readers who suspect that the Tangent is written by Jonathan Ross. The rationale for this theory goes that during the 12 weeks of Ross' inactivity The Tangent was updated regularly. The Tangent can categorically deny that we are Jonathan Ross as we would never tell a man on the phone that we have fucked his granddaughter. We use email for that sort of thing. You can attach pictures that way.


"Yes Bill, not only did we fuck your granddaughter, we're using your crap email service to let you know."

Our true secret identity is Stig off Top Gear.

Everyone, everywhere was shocked this week to learn of the mother who allowed her 3 year old child to smoke. Titi Mulewo, 22, of Lagos, Nigeria said, "I'm shocked to learn of the mother who allowed her 3 year old child to smoke", before swatting the flies away from her own 3 year olds face. Neglectful mothers, eh?

Kelly Marie Pocock, the mother in question, represented herself in court - probably because she doesn't know what a lawyer is. "I watch a lot of TV and I keep seeing these adverts about the dangers of passive smoking. You know the ones? The one with the smoke strangling the baby, the one with the unfit child being laughed at on sports day for their rubbish lung capacity and the one where a child spontaneously combusts because someone smokes near it... I let my child take up smoking to protect it from the dangers of passive smoking."


The possible source of Kelly Marie Pocock misunderstanding although reports she taught her son to shave are unconfirmed.

"It's better he does it on my watch any way. Under my roof, well the Housing Associations roof, and under my rules. That way I can limit him to 15 a day. It's not like I was encouraging my son to drink and shag around. I'd be disgusted if he was doing that sort of stuff before, say, the age of 6."


"Hello, I'm an idiot!"

In between long draws of a luxury flavour filled cigarette, a spokesman for the cigarette industry said, "We don't normally expect to see growth (snigger) in the under age market until at least the age of 10, so this is a break through for us. Although I would advise parents that it is not a good idea to give children the cigarettes that they themselves buy, smoke and enjoy. We will be releasing a special kid friendly range shortly that will appeal to kid's tastes and feature Sponge Bob on the packaging. (Cough, splutter, wretch)"


Sponge Bob, fueled by his morning intake of 8 cups of coffee and 2 packs of ciggies.

Alasdair Darling, sporting a unshaven look and blood shot eyes, responded to the story by saying, "We'll have to put a new warning label on cigarettes now, saying 'Allowing your child to smoke may result in a custodial sentence'... That's going to cost a fair bit... It's not right, is it? If children as young as 3 can take up smoking then I'm obviously not taxing it enough. We need more tax on cigarettes to put them out of the financial reach of children. Yeah! That'll fix everything! By the way, are you good for a tenner? I'm really desperate." Before we could answer he'd grabbed the handbag of a passing pensioner and ran off down the street.


"I'll rob you too".

Tangent HOT Poll on the HOT Topic:
A child aged three who smokes is:
A - the product of a neglectful home or
B - Really cool?

For answer A call 0870 000 2288 for B call 001-800-627-5267.
Calls charged at normal X-factor, Big Brother rates. Rates from mobiles may shock you into a coma. If you are aged under 16 please enjoy a cigarette and then ask permission to use the phone from the bill payer.

Kid's TV hero Tony Hart has been found dead at home at the age of 83. There are no suspicious circumstances surrounding the TV artist's death but police have taken Chas into custody as a precautionary measure as the wooden pencil box he shared with Morph was found ajar. Detective Snoops of the Met said, "We don't suspect any foul play in the tragic death of Tony Hart but we figured we should take Chas in for questioning anyway. He was such a twat on that TV show that he's probably capable of anything."


Chaz, with some stolen stationary.

The Tangent spoke to Julian Brookes, curator of the kid's TV museum, who explained that the aggressive nature of Chaz was more than just an on screen personality. "Chaz, played by the brilliant Andrew Melville, has a fascinating personality. He arrived as a spin off character to Morph on the Take Hart show and always felt he played second fiddle to Morph. Much of his aggressive on screen behaviour was ad libbed, including the famous short where Chaz starves Nailbrush like Pavlov's dog before unleashing it on Morph and laughing as the starved canine/brush tore off Morph's plastic penis."


Morph and gang. Note Morph's lack of penis, the distance between him and Nailbrush and Chaz's smug grin.

Tony Hart and Morph used their fame to promote humanitarian causes, unlike Chaz who hit the quant English party scene so hard David Frost raised an eyebrow. Morph was originally penciled in to contribute to the original Live Aid record but due to Chaz's spiral into drug addiction and subsequent bad press, negotiations broke down and Boy George was drafted in instead. Bob Geldof admitted his regret over the events in his Autobiography 'Being Better Than Bono', "I was feckin' gutted, here we had this soft squidgy character with a nauseating voice, and he'd taken Morph's feckin' place on the record. Cunt."

Chaz is also said to have been jealous about having to live in a pencil box while Tony retired to a luxurious two bedroom bungalow in Bristol. A clearly distraught Morph made an emotional tribute to Tony Hart this evening. The statement is so moving that The Tangent has decided to present it in full, without editing.

"Duh, ee ee e o. Ba bu di ee ahh. Uh ah ah i oh ee ooo uh oh ee wi ah bi ehh uh, i ar ei ou di ah! Uh ah aha o e uh ah uh di ar wo uh oh ee he ah oo gu. Ar gi hur ar wor ah mmm i oo wi wa ha, uh e woo wi wu rah ha oh ni. Ho duh rar ah ee oh eo ai tu weer ahr eh oor."


Morph, in happier times.

Contact: news@TheTangentNewspaper.co.uk

Boy George has been sentenced to 15 months in prison for chaining a male escort to his bed against his will. The 80s icon, famous for some truly awful pop songs and a guest appearance in The A-Team, met the man on a gay social networking site. Apparently the man hadn't ticked the box marked 'I'm into being manacled and held captive for prolonged periods of time'.


'Are yo' that queer sucka, sucka?'

Boy George's failed defence was that he HAD to act as he did as the man had attempted to steal photos from the ex Culture Club singer's laptop. George's solicitor said, "If these photos had entered the public domain George would have really been in extremius assidollops (latin for 'extreme shit'). My client had no choice but to keep the thief captive to protect his interests."

The defence team never revealed to the court the content of the pictures the victim is alleged to have stolen. The Tangent has it on good authority that the depraved pictures involved Boy George superimposed in sickening poses with kid's...
... cartoon heroes Pokemon.


'Pikachu, I choose you!'

On sentencing George, Lord Justice Muchly said, "You committed your crime very gayly, and I don't use that word in the archaic manner which the court likes to use language."

"The law does not normally deliver justice in an 'eye for an eye, tooth for a tooth' fashion. However, I am bound to punish you in the way you punished your victim. I have to sentence you to be held against your will and repeatedly abused by ugly men and their disgusting, disease riddled members." The judge then delivered the 15 month prison sentence.

On leaving court Boy George began spouting the sort of bitter bile that he's more famous for than anything he's contributed to music. "Typical fuckin' anti Boy George conspiracy at play here! My old 80s chum George Michael goes and bums a man in a fuckin' bog and releases a massive selling Greatest Hits package on the back of it. I do something much more controversial and will I get a bigger come back? No, I get a bloody jail sentence."


George Michael: allowed to 'go outside'.

Contact: news@TheTangentNewspaper.co.uk

A video has been leaked in which Prince Harry is heard referring to a fellow army cadet as his 'little paki friend'. The video has caused widespread outrage as no one expected the young Prince to keep friends of other ethnicities. Is this really an appropriate way for the third in line to the throne to act?


Harry The Tolerant.

Not only have the comments caused public outrage, sources close to the Royal Family say that the remarks have ostracized Harry from the rest of the Windsors. Prince Philip is set to have felt the shock particulary hard, feeling that his lifetime effort to offend every race he comes in contact with could be undermined if his grandson is seen befriending 'one of those sorts'.



Prince Philip: A tough act to follow.
"Ah, one sees you're on 'the internet', you must have your cock in your hand, you filthy pervert."

Philip is said to regard the incident as a huge offense to the dynasty of the Royal Family, a sign that the empire has went to the dogs. Our source revealed that he heard Philip say, "I can't believe my own flesh and blood has a friend from a country we used to own. When I was brought up I was taught to keep the savages at a distance beyond spear throwing range, not to make friends with them. When did we lose our sense of superiority?"


"This bad boy's got your name on it, Phil"

Other scenes of controversy in the video include Harry telling another cadet he looks like a raghead. It is shocking that Harry's army training was so poor at the time of the video that he thought a friend looked like a raghead and didn't gun him down in friendly fire to be on the safe side. The army has released a statement highlighting that the video was filmed before basic training was complete and are confident that all trained members of their armed forces would kill anyone wearing anything on their head on sight.


Be the best.

The most shocking thing this editor found was the scene where Harry was seen supposedly on the phone to the Queen and hung up saying 'Bye. God save you.' Admit it, that's pretty funny.

The findings of a major government report have been leaked by the now conventional method of leaving a laptop in a train toilet. The report reveals that the UK population is almost entirely composed of people who used to be children.



If this report is true then it makes life in 2009 a truly TERRIFYING prospect. How can you trust your Doctor? Or your Lawyer? Or the teacher of your own ugly looking children? Even society's more scurrilous positions such as bin man, rapist and banker are not the sort of work that can be left in the hands of someone who used to be a bald headed, drooling idiot who spent years of their life shitting themselves and trying to stuff everything they came across into their mouths.



The report reveals that these children will masquerade as adults quite well in most cases. Most will hold down a job they hate and socialise with in an ever diminshing circle of friends. However there will be telltale signs that the person is a child. For example the person may go straight to the toy section when the new Argos catalogue comes out, or they may strip off at inappropriate times.


The stables were never the same after Mr Potter visited.

The report suggests that the government legislates to ban child birth until 2051 in an attempt to ensure that no more children are born who would potentially pose as adults in the future. This would bring an end to massive office elastic band balls and pave the way for a true adult population to get on with proper adult things, such as commissioning reports and warfare.


"Huzzah!"

The Tangent attempted to contact Michael Jackson to see if he would admit to everyone that he is one such child posing as an adult. The former King of Pop (succeeded by Daniel Bedingfield) declined to comment but if he had we would like to think he would have said, " I did it! I did them all. Macaulay Culkin, Jordan Chandler and loads more you've never even heard of!" before speeding away on a scooter.

Contact: news@TheTangentNewspaper.co.uk

Gordon Brown has warned, in his New Year's podcast, that 2009 poses Britain an 'enormous economic challenge'. In the 8 minute message the Prime Minister proposed a radical measure to get the economy back on track but the message begs more questions than it provides answers. Questions such as, "Is Gordon Brown f**king mental?" (word blanked out as The Tangent is a family publication, click here to read The Tangent charter) and, "Does Gordon Brown know what a podcast is?"


The ipod touch, starting at £165. Crisis, what crisis?

"In recent weeks we've seen Woolworths, a well known retailer of average tat at moderate prices, go bust. Other familiar high street brands are set to follow. We've also seen the pound fall against the Euro. These two factors have led me to take action."


"Anyone know how long I've got left before I have to face an election?"

"We are not interested in joining the Euro. We're British here in Britain, not Eurish. However, I feel the time is right to boost the value of our currency. There are also billions of chocolate coin stock that Woolworths couldn't shift before closure... Currently a chocolate coin is worth marginally more than a pound. For this reason the pound is suspended and Britain's currency for the foreseeable future is the British Chocolate Coin"



"I expect criticism from the usual quarters. But I'm the man to take the criticism. I'm not a novice, after all. And I'm in the job. I'm the big man in the big job. These ruggedly handsome features of mine can take a few more blows for the Great British Britons of Great Britain."



"A Martini please, shaken not stirred."

The Tangent is not going to criticise Gordon Brown. Our New Year's resolution is to go easy on easy targets. It's fun to shoot ducks on a pond but it's not exactly challenging. Gordon Brown has been a duck on a pond for The Tangent for a while, so we're going to give him a break. It's not like he can be blamed for a global economic crisis, is it? It's not like he was the Chancellor of a major global economic power for a decade... Erm... Whatever you say about him he became Prime Minister fair and square by going to the polls. Erm... we better stop if we're going to stick to that resolution...


Bullshit.

The more we think about using chocolate coins as currency the better it sounds. Any potential melting will be avoided due to our lousy weather. The Mint could release a special edition 'mint' flavoured coin to boost the economy further. We also retain the British identity that the pound has, something that would be lost by joining the Euro. We can continue to print the Queen's head on the coins and if we eat our currency then that just reinforces the Great British identity of terrible teeth.