RYANAIR TO CHARGE FOR USING SHITTER.

Leprechaun business man, Christy Ryan, has stated that Ryanair may start charging passengers to use the toilets on their planes. "At Ryanair we're committed to providing people with low cost flights, the only way we can continue to do that is to start charging people for things that they wouldn't normally be charged for. I went to business school and I know it fecking makes sense."

Chris Ryan, owner of Ryanair, stopping you going to the toilet.

When asked what would happen if Ryanair passengers didn't have any money and needed to go to the toilet Ryan replied, "Oh come on, you don't get on board a Ryanair flight without any money. We charge a fiver for a can of Coke."

Ryanair, along with other low airline companies revolutionised air travel, by operating without the sort of expensive bureaucracy that airlines had previously insisted on. Things such as ticketing, seat allocation and safety procedures.



"Look, I don't want this to be blown into a big deal. Train stations charge you to use their toilets, don't they? Statistics have shown that, for some reason, you're far more likely to shit yourself on a Ryanair flight than any other airlines flights. Putting a small charge on the facilities that facilitate this is reasonable and helps us cut even more corners in future, erm I mean keep costs down."

Ryan also outlined some possible future actions the company may consider to keep costs low. "We might remove seats so we can cram more people in. Also have you any idea how much it costs to pump oxygen into a plane? A fecking lot, that's how much it costs. We're considering selling people a brown paper 'breathing apparatus' for a tenner before they board the flight as an alternative."

Contact: news@TheTangentNewspaper.co.uk

Sir Fred Goowin, the mastermind banker behind the Royal Bank of Scotland's demise into what analysts have deemed a 'toxic shithole', has been forced to apologise after it emerged that he ran over an 8 year old girl. Repeatedly.



The new RBS staff uniform for 2009.

On the day RBS announced the biggest corporate losses in the universe ever, Sir Fred had been out collecting some of his £650,000 a year pension and decided to take one of his sports cars for a spin in the countryside. It is believed that as the radio delivered news of RBS losses Sir Fred became distracted, possibly because he couldn't see for tears of laughter or because a wedge of £100 notes got stuck under his brake peddle.

At the same time a young girl had wandered out into Sir Fred's path and was struck by his super fast shiny car. Sir Fred, unable to understand that this might be a bad thing, then proceeded to run back and forth over the girl's legs until they became a fine paste.



"Of course, in hindsight I should have realised I was putting this girl in a dangerous position and stopped right away. But then I thought, 'maybe if I keep doing the thing that's caused all the trouble it'll get better'. I realised when the girl's bones became dust that maybe this course of action wasn't working. As soon as I realised that I got help, I phoned one of those taxpayer funded me-maws. You know, an ambulance."

"It would be all too simple to put all the blame on me for this. There were numerous other global financial factors influencing the situation. But if you want to scapegoat me then fine. I'll say I'm sorry. Sorry. There. Now can I have some money please?"


"What?"

The girl is said to be stable and hoping that one day prosthetics are so advanced that she can have a working set of legs again, to kick the shit out of Sir Fred Goodwin with.

A list of the UK's most unfortunate names has been released and is nowhere near as funny as you might imagine. The list includes such boring names as Carrie Oakey, Tim Bur and Terry Bull but there isn't a Hugh Jass in sight. Joe King, a struggling stand up comedian, said of the list, "I was waiting for this list thinking it would be a gold mine of material. What a let down. I'm now going have to go back to stealing jokes from Gavin and Stacey."


As poor as this article is it's still funnier than Gavin and Stacey.

Lots of people have claimed having a slightly unfortunate name has ruined their lives. Faye Tality said that the Mortal Kombat games in the mid nineties left her so teased as a teenager that she had to become a 'slut'. Herb Avore claimed he has never had the same respect as fellow butchers due to his name. Anita Tissue summed up the feeling to these complaints when she said, "Dry your eyes." Phil Likesheet was unavailable to comment on any of this owing to a hangover.

Perhaps the most glaring omission from the list was Ivor Biggin. "People always take the piss out of me 'cos of my name. Plus, getting a taxi or a takeaway to turn up is a nightmare. It would have been nice for this list to recognise the difficulties I've faced in life due to my name. I was hoping that by getting on the list of unfortunate names I could claim disability allowance and live in my own castle like all those other folks I've heard of who get disability."


"How close is it to McDonalds?"

BUM RICHEST MAN IN BRITAIN.



Yesterday it was revealed that the personal debt of Britons is set to reach 2, 000, 000, 000, 000, a number so big and ridiculous that they don't teach it in schools. This also led to the revelation that the wealthiest man in Britain is a homeless man in Aberdeen.


"...carry the one... what the fuck?!?"

Alfie 'Cardboard' Knox, 44, doesn't have a mortgage, or a car on an expensive finance package, he has no loans or credit cards or student debt. "I became the richest man in Britain yesterday cos I started singing one of those songs that the banks used to use in their adverts, you know the ones where they take a God awful Rod Stewart song and replace certain words with words like 'finance' and 'credit'? People really responded to this and within half an hour there was £2.24 in my begging cup. Then I found a shiny 2p down an alley way when I went for a piss. The rest, as they say, is history."


"We are SAVING. We are SAVING. Ahem."

Alfie's story should remind us that harsh economic times can lead to great opportunities for dynamic young go getters. "I never thought I'd be the richest man in Britain. I used to watch people with cheap suits and bad haircuts go in and out of office buildings when I was seven shades to the wind on nuclear cider and I knew I didn't have it so bad. But I've only now realised I've got it so good!"

With his personal fortune of £2.26 Alfie is looking to make investments. Rumour has it that he may buy HBOS or RBS or even both. "The bankers were miserable sods but occasionally they'd chuck me a penny or two. It only seems fair that I return the favour."

Asked whether he fears that his rag to riches story will alter him as a person Alfie said, "It won't change me. I've touched myself up in front of tourists and ate a rat. These things happened and are part of who I am. Being the richest man in Britain doesn't change that."

UK Prime Minister Gordon Brown has broke his silence on the alleged attack on Rihanna and said he is seeking counselling from God, family and friends following the incident. Brown is said to have 'battered' the sometimes cute singer when she asked, "Where's that other guy? The charismatic one that Bush is friends with?"

Brown said, "I am deeply saddened at my violent outburst towards Rihanna. I've been under a lot of strain lately, what with being blamed for this recession and all. I've also been called names by that bloke with the perm off Top Gear. You just don't feel great about yourself when the patsy with weird eyebrows you put in place to take all the recession blame gets an easy time and you're such an easy target for jibes that Jeremy Clarkson can get one over on you. When Rihanna said what she said I just got the old red mist and doffed her a couple of times."

"And anyway, domestic abuse rates always soar during a recession. So you can't blame me for what I did. It was the global economic climate that caused me to beat up that girl. And you can't blame me for the global economic climate either, remember?"

"I would, however, like to clear a few things up. I only smacked her a couple of times. You know, before her body guards could haul me off. I didn't even use a stick or anything. Her face wasn't in that bad a nick, nothing like the 'two huge contusions' I've seen reported in some press quarters, it was much more like one giant contusion."

Brown denied he is set to enter the studio and release an album about the incident. Amazon have removed the pre order listing for 'Setting the Record Straight: The Bludgeoning' by Gordon Brown that appeared almost immediately after the incident.

Rihanna's boyfriend Chris 'Gormless' Brown commented on the incident saying that he had forgiven his namesake for the attack on his girlfriend saying, "Sometimes she just needs a good smack in the mouth."

Carol Thathcer has been sacked from the BBC's dreadful The One Show after referirng to a male tennis player as a Golliwog in an off air conversation with growly faced presenter Adrian Chiles. Now the show has sacked one ugly contributor it is hoped BBC bosses will see the light and sack Chiles too, leaving the very cute Christine Bleakley to host the show.

The Tangent spoke to Britain's largest collector of Golliwog memorabeilia last night who was outraged that the dolls name was in the news under controversial circumstances. "I can't believe Carol Thatcher referred to a tennis player as a Golliwog. I mean, a white tennis player?! That is not what the Golliwog stands for. The name should only be used to insult black people, not us whities."

Thatcher has refused to apologise for the remark as it was joke in private company and as we all know being racist in private is perfectly acceptable. Her spokesman said that it was 'disgusting' that the conversation with Chiles had got out and that, 'the BBC must have more leaks than Thames Water'. He refused to comment on whether the BBC has more fuckwits on its payroll than Thames Water. The BBC, conducting discipline in their usual manner, stopped short of sacking Carol Thatcher completely and just removed her from The One Show. It is expected that should Jonathan Ross need another suspension then Thatcher will step into his chat show role now she has proved she can be idiotic while being broadcast.

Carol Thatcher originally attracted the public eye as the hideous offspring of former Prime Minister Margaret Thatcher. Carol became an interest to reporters as they had previously supposed that Margaret Thatcher's womb was too toxic to support human life and that she laid eggs in hosts much like Ridley Scott's Alien. Carol Thatcher seemed to disprove this and a media curiosity developed. In 2005 she won an ITV reality show watched mainlyby the class of people her mother had tried to obliterate in the 80s. Some commentators pointed out the irony of this, other suggested the voters had no idea who Carol Thatcher was. Carol Thatcher enjoyed all the benefits of being a member of a high profile British family and is said to have had a well balanced education that preached tolerance, after all her mother never had a problem with black people.

A leading psychologist, who works in the garden centre of his local B+Q, has blamed Spitting Image for Thatcher's racial slur saying that the iconic Margaret Thatcher doll from the show has left Carol wholly confused about where dolls end and the people begin. Which in the case of the Spitting Image puppet of her mother is something we could all sympathise with.

The past few days have seen snow cause chaos to the daily routine of Britons by playing havoc with the news stations output. News channels have broadcast images of people slipping and children playing happily in fields of snow, images that have offended millions of British viewers.

One viewer said, "I tune into the news to hear about British soldiers whose insides have been blown out their bodies by roadside bombs in Iraq and business men who are absolutely shitting themselves about the economy. I don't want to see horrible coverage of kids having fun, what if a paedophile saw these reports?"

The BBC apologised for reporting in an irresponsible manner and promised to present any further snow news in a much more depressing way. "We realise we've let down the public by showing snow to be fun and a bit of a laugh."

"From now on we'll focus on the downside of snow, how it gets your shoes wet... um, grannies spraining ankles... er, snowmen melting and breaking kid's hearts ala Jack Frost... How the snow is keeping consumers off the High Street at the worst possible time... oh, and we'll probably make up an avalanche or two destroying rural villages."

People all over Britain last night were laughing themselves warm after it was revealed the world's major oil companies were all suffering a downturn in profits. In the last quarter of 2008 BP only made £1.8 billion profit. To put that into some perspective that would only buy you £1.8 billion items at your local pound emporium/supermart/shit cave.

A spokesman for BP warned it would be difficult to run the business on such short quarterly profit margins, "£1.8 billion may seem like a lot of money. And it is. But it's not as much as £1.9 billion, is it?" For many BP shareholders it is their first experience of economic hardship and some are rumoured to have cancelled yacht orders.

PM Gordon Brown called an emergency cabinet meeting to see if the government could arrange a tax payer bail out to cover the shortfall in the oil companies projected profits and actual profits. When asked why he was rushing to help out big businesses with vast resources Gordon Brown made a frank assessment for the first time since becoming PM, "The oil companies own my ass."

A spokesman for Exxon outlined how the company aimed to respond to the situation, "Every cloud has a silver lining. For all these years people have thought us good honest oil companies were profiteering but now it's been shown we're as vulnerable to a poor economic climate as any individual is. We intend to market this angle so the mugs... erm customers develop sympathy for us. We're looking to launch a public appeal. Oh, and we'll cut some jobs. I don't know how many yet. 3,000, 5,000, 10,000,..we'll cut a deck of cards and whatever number is on the card we'll multiply by 1,000.