The husband of Home Secretary Jacqui Smith has apologised after putting the purchase of two pornos on his wife's parliamentary expense account. Richard Timney said, "I'm really sorry that I got caught doing this and seen as I've been caught I'll do the right thing and pay the £10 back. That's the end of that then, eh?"

"Oh, I'll also pay back the pack of Milky Bar buttons, the Domino's pizza and the crate of Carling that were also accidentally put on Jacqui's expense account that evening. But I'd like to categorically state right now that I won't pay back the £100 I put on the expenses for a blow job off a Whitehall hooker. It was a lousy blow job."

When asked if the couple would pay back the money claimed on their second home if public opinion continued to view it as a bending of the expense rules Timney replied, "Fuck no, that would be way more expensive than a tenner!"

The Home Secretary is said to have given her husband an 'ear bashing' about ordering the movies. Timney, in his remorse laden public appearance referred to her reaction, "I'll tell you what, my ears weren't the only thing that those movies left well bashed." He then tried to get the gathered members of the press to high five him.

A close friend said that Jacqui Smith was livid after she learned of the adult movies her husband had watched. "He watched 'Barely legal Asian chicks' and 'Busty Teens full of booze and low on self respect' Jacqui despises these sort of adults films. She's really disappointed in him. Modern porn is all either about putting stuff up people's asses or putting it on people's faces. She's not a prude but she's much more of a traditionalist, enjoying the classics of the genre such as 'Emmanuel' or 'Deepthroat'. Basically, she has a soft spot for porn where the female's pubic region looks like a Wrestler's perm."

After the short statement Timney disappeared back inside his home and was seen turning on a computer in the main room before drawing the blinds.

The Archbishop of Canterbury, Dr Rowan Williams, has warned that God will not intervene to stop humanity from damaging the environment. In a refreshingly bleak message (even by religious standards) the Archbishop said, "Have any of you read the Bible? It turns out God's not exactly proactive in helping us out when the shit hiteth the fan. God isn't going to give us a happy ending. I'm not a betting man, what with it being a mortal sin and all, but based on the form I'd say God is unlikely to bail us out"

Williams offered assurances that humanity will always have God's love, which is comforting. Kind of like when your mum kicks you out the house with no money and tells you never to darken her doorstep again... at least you know she still loves you. And that will make the pigeons you start to hunt, kill and eat palatable.



'Corporate folly' received a special mention from the Archbishop. One prominent business leader took time out from dumping chemical waste into a stream to respond to the Archbishop's comments. "Wait, does the Archbishop think we've been shafting the environment thinking God will save it? I think I speak for the whole of the business world when I say we've been shafting it to make money. I've already bought a plush bunker deep under the earth that will withstand any type of ecological disaster so screw the rest of you."

The Archbishop went on to say, "Life is not like Friends and God is not David Crane or Marta Kaufmann - Ross and Rachel will not get together at the end of this. It's most likely Ross, being fitter and stronger, will live just long enough to see Rachel's face melt before the atmosphere becomes too dense for him to breath and his eyeballs explode."


"No, your face is the gooiest meltiest..."

After highlighting the pointlessness in religious servitude the Archbishop realised his position had became somewhat untenable and has sensationally quit his post. "We're all fucked so I don't see the point in me making all these sacrifices. I'm off to live it up. First I'm going to buy some Hip Hop records and then I'm going to get me one of those abortions."

Contact: news@TheTangentNewspaper.co.uk

SIR FRED GOODWIN'S HOUSE VANDALISED.

Former Royal Bank of Scotland boss Sir Fred Goodwin's home has been the target of vandals. Three windows were smashed and a Mercedes in the drive was also damaged. It is suspected Sir Fred did not perpetuate the attack himself in order to drum up public sympathy as close friends have said, "He'd sooner smash up his kids with a bat than damage his property."

A Lothian and Borders police spokesman appealed for witnesses in a press conference punctuated with sniggering, "We hope people will come forward with details of anything unusual they saw. We realise that this is almost as futile as asking people to shop in the guy who sells you knock off DVDs but we've got to ask. You know, it's my job. Sort of like if my job was, say, running a bank, I'd want to make sure that bank didn't need government money to stay solvent."

The police reaction has been swift and decisive.

"Other people in Mr Sir Goodwin's street have to remember that their property could also be at risk... if they too have walked off with a £700,000 per year pension for being a massive fuck up." The Royal Bank of Scotland, who have been loyal to Sir Fred Goodwin ever since the Paul McKenna hosted Christmas party of 2005, released a statement confirming they would pay for additional security at the former employee's house.


Paul McKenna: who needs rohypnol?

Contact: news@TheTangentNewspaper.co.uk

WORLD RELIEVED AS AT LEAST ONE UPPER CLASS TWAT GUARANTEED FOR THE FUTURE .



An 18 year old secretly painted a 60ft image of a cock on his parents £1million mansion. The story is a welcome boost for upper class twats who have had their image tarnished since the nations bankers destroyed the economy. A spokesman for upper class twats said, "It's nice that at this time when people are saying 'it's all you greedy rich folks fault we're in the shits', or whatever poor people say, that there comes along an example of upper class horseplay that doesn't do any harm. Sort of like fox hunting."

The parents of the boy are seething as the phallus has been on their roof since last year without them knowing about it. They are going to force the boy to wash it off as punishment, but being an upper class twat he is currently enjoying a gap year abroad where he is gaining extensive life experience paying Thai lady boys for handjobs. The boys father said, "We only noticed the 'winky' when we were using Google Street View to see if our neighbours had a new conservatory. I'm sure it's somehow Google's fault our son is an unruly twat and nothing to do with the way we've raised him."


Q: Where is the real lady?
(Answer at end of article.)

"Needless to say we'll have removed all the Advocat, Sherry and vintage wine from the household by the time he finishes travelling, that's what'll have given him the courage to do this in the first place. We've also told him it's time he learned to look after himself and as such we're only going to support him up until he's 40." The neighbours of the family are said to be livid at the 60ft phallus and have commissioned Banksy to provide them with an 80ft Phallus on their roof.


Banksy. Possibly.

The boy has explained his actions on facebook. Using his laptop to post from a beach house in Phuket he explained, "Sometimes the injustice and inequality in the world makes me so angry there's nothing I can do but go out onto the roof of my parents mansion and paint a huge dong."

A: behind the camera.

CANCER KILLS YOUNG WOMAN.

On a shockingly slow news day it has emerged that a young mother has died of cancer. The woman was described as 'having no discernible talent' and didn't achieve anything of note during her short life but she was said to have faced something that she had no choice in facing 'with courage'. She also grew up on a council estate but now that she is dead people are graciously not holding this disgusting fact against her.

Her Asian neighbour said, "It's sad that she's dead, kind of like it's sad when anyone dies. I can't really say I'm going to miss her though. I lived next door to her for 5 years and put up with her calling me stupid racist names." One medical expert said of the disease that killed the woman, "It's cancer, you know? It doesn't care if you're 8 or 80. A bit like MB Games. In fact, I've heard it goes after young children and kills them too. It's a pretty devastating illness, that's why us Doctors always talk about curing it.



The young woman's death is not expected to instigate a massive public outpouring of grief and as such the funeral directors who dealt with Princess Diana's funeral have not been contacted. Max Clifford had no comment to make about the event. Also, the popular media are unlikely to try and to immortalise the death as a statement on class in Britain, or any other nonsense. Some philosophers say the death reveals absolutely nothing about life except that sometimes it is 'a bit shitty to people'.

President Obama has made his first public gaffe after comparing his tenpin bowling to 'something from the Special Olympics'. The remark was made during an appearance on Jay Leno's 'Tonight' show but is said to have caused less offence than Leno's chiny chin chin.

Obama apologised shortly after the show was broadcast saying, "If I had known there were cripples in America I would have never made that remark. I would have substituted crips with mongs. We don't have them in America, do we? We do? Jeez, this country's in a bigger mess than I thought."

Scientists say that the mark proves that Obama is NOT a black Jesus as some people had assumed. One said, "This certainly provides scientific prove that President Obama is infallible and therefore not Jesus. But then again... Jesus was banging a prostitute, which is kind of a fallibility... Was he banging a prozzie? I'm not sure. I'm a scientist remember, the only use I have for a Bible is to measure bullshit."

Critics of Obama (all 6 of them) say the remark reveals a chink in the President's armour. Obama responded by saying, "I don't see what the Chinese have got to do with this... Sure they're an economic force to be reckoned with... don't tell me they manufacture wheelchairs as well?" At this point a Secret Service agent stepped in and said, "Give this guy a fucking break, by this point in the Presidency Bush had his own book of stupid sayings published."

ARMED CHIMPS GET EXACTLY WHAT THEY WANT.

Japanese crackpots have unveiled a walking female robot. The robot, lovingly named HRP-4C, has 30 motors that control its limb movements. It also has 8 motors in its face that create facial expressions such as anger and surprise, which means it is capable of out-acting Keanu Reeves.

Onlookers compared the creepy looking robots movements to that of a 'drunk desperately trying to maintain their balance while pretendning not to be drunk'.

Real women have been warned by robotics experts that the robotic woman could make them obsolete by 2012. "Once this thing has a more feminine name, such as Brenda, Sheila or Hamish, it really could see women thrown on the ahem, scrapheap. This robot could cook and clean and it's nagging sub programme could be turned off without resorting to punching it in the mouth. Its positronic brain will understand the logical importance of taking out the rubbish and just fucking do it." That wasn't a robotics expert, it was an extract from this weekends Sunday Times Jeremy Clarkson column.

The robots engineers had to cancel a question and answer session after the first 185 questions were, 'can you have sex with it?' The engineers were visibly annoyed by the focus of the questions and said (loosely translated), "You stupid humanoids don't realise what we've achieved here, this is biggest step in robotic history! Male robots everywhere can stop watching re-runs of Star Trek Voyager now..." They then transformed into fighter planes and flew out the building.

CAMERON CALLS FOR FREEZE ON TV LICENCE.

Tory leader David Cameron has called for the BBC to freeze the TV licence fee for the next year. The licence is due to rise by £3 but Cameron says it should remain at its current level due to the current financial crisis. "Don't get me wrong, I think the BBC is a fantastic institution. By sharing broadcast time equally between political parties it means I'm guaranteed to get on the box no matter how stupid my proposals are."



"Wait a minute... I think I've got a good idea coming... Oh, no... I've just sharted."

"This is a genius idea from me, for me - if you think about it. What I'm offering the tax payer is essentially a saving of £3 per year, that wouldn't even pay a second of using your central heating, but I get on the news for suggesting such a petty saving. God bless the BBC. I could offer people chocolate fire-guards and the Beeb would have to report it!"




Critics have suggested the scheme will result in a loss in programme quality. A TV pundit said, "With the current economic problems and a pint set to cost about 100 quid people will want to stay in and watch the TV a bit more. This doesn't help them any. You've saw the shit the BBC produced last year... If we don't let them put the license fee up we're in for more of the same."



2009 promises more of this if Cameron gets his way.

The Tangent asked a pensioner, who spends 200 hours a week watching TV, what she thought of the proposal, "Aye that's sounds really good actually. Wait, I thought you said 'free license fee' not 'freeze' it. Speak up, sonny. No, freezing the fee is about as useful as baws on your forehead."

A spokesman for the BBC said they weren't 'bothered' about Cameron's remarks and that if the licence fee was frozen they would just 'rig some more phone-ins'.

Celebrity Big Brother winner Ulrika Jonsson has used her rejuvenated celebrity status to raise awareness about stigmatised health issues that affect hardly anyone. A new TV show sees Jonsson discuss Light Adult Incontinence (LAI), a condition that has affected her since the birth of her fourth child left her vagina "looking more like a burst sofa than it had done previously."



Ulrika Jonsson with Golden pants. Stigmatise this!

"This problem affects people. More importantly than that it affects me, so I want to talk about it no matter how much people don't want to hear about it. That way I won't feel stigmatised. And if one person feels better about having this condition due to me raising awareness about it then it's been worth it, and if that one person is me then even better."

"Just for the record I'd like to add that my form of incontinence is LIGHT. I'm not sitting with piss dribbling down my legs like some disgusting, useless old granny in a retirement home."


Ulrika: not to be confused with an incontinent old wench. Apparently.

One of Ulrika's ex-husbands Lance Gerard-Wright does not support the move. "Jesus H. Christ, you know there are somethings that people should just shut the fuck up about, you know? She could fix this with pelvic floor exercises. If I was still with her she'd expect me to be down the gym trying to keep a good figure yet I'd be the bad bastard if I forced her to do some exercise so she doesn't reek of piss. Double standards, no?"


"You've got to be shitting me... in fact, don't answer that."

Bob Geldof has praised Ulrika for raising awareness about the condition and hopes Ulrika continues to promote other difficult issues. "She can push on from this and highlight other stigmatised humanitarian problems such as fanny farting and sweaty boobs."

Gordon Brown was last night boasting of his success in bringing British terrorism to British soil after two soldiers were shot dead by the Real IRA in Northern Ireland. "In recent years we've faced stiff competition from foreign terrorists but I have never wavered in my belief that British terrorism is among the finest and most brutal in the world."


"Any ideas how I spin this one? Anyone?"

"I promised the people of this nation that the jobs in this country would be for the people of this country and that applies to the terrorist industry too." Brown then pointed out the advantages of facing British terrorism instead of the foreign kind. "It's very much better the devil you know. This type of terrorist is not nearly as invisible as the other type. They're not operating out of some cave in the Afghan mountains. They're right here at home and that makes it easier to contain. Um, apart from this time, obviously."


It is hoped the return of the IRA will give a much needed boost to the mural painting industry.

The Tangent spoke to some angry young Irish men in a Belfast job centre to see if the weekend attack could convince them that there was a future to be had in terrorism. One youth said, "Yeah, why not. I never really thought of it before with all those foreigners working for crap wages 'cos they thought they had 40 cockteases, erm virgins, waiting for them in the afterlife. If the money's good I'll do it. It can't be any more morally dubious than being a banker, can it?"

The Bank of England has sensationally given up being the Bank of England. The latest interest rate cut to 0.5% has been the last straw for the institution and it has quit the post with immediate affect. "It's been a tough job recently, trying to rescue an economy that was messed up by the idiots around you. I'm no spring chicken and I've decided to call it a day and take early retirement."

"The UK economy is like a drunken flaccid penis and in the past few months I've became a desperate lover. I've stimulated and stimulated it and it's just completely unresponsive. I've cut the interest rates again and again, I've toyed with expanding the money pool but nothing's happened. Sometimes you just have to accept 'not tonight love' and get on with your life. The UK economy has been saying 'not tonight love' for too long now and I'm beyond frustration with it."

"I've already booked up for a Saga cruise and leased the Bank of England site to a Primark who'll look after the building and fixtures until I get back. Then I think I'll get a little allotment and grow some tomatoes. I might start watching bowls. The UK economy is welcome to come visit, we had too many good times together to destroy our relationship completely. But there won't be a reconciliation. Things will never be like they were before and the quicker the UK economy understands that the easier this will be on everyone. At this stage in my life I'm too old to go looking for fresh young economies but I'll still seek the company of other economies for friendship."

Harriet Harman has today admitted what the public has suspected for some time - that she knows jack shit. The deputy Labour leader stood in for Gordon Brown at Prime Minister's questions today because Brown was busy trying to make Barack Obama his best friend.







Contact: news@TheTangentNewspaper.co.uk



Latest stories:
Scottish Government pisses off public with booze plans.
Ryanair debate 'Kazzi Charge'.
Sir Fred apologises for running over girl repeatedly.

Heritage Scotland has launched a scathing attack on the Scottish Government after plans to stop off licenses selling cheap booze were revealed. A spokesman for Heritage Scotland said, "The government likes to think Scottish identity is all about mumbling Gaelic and trotting about the Highlands. It really has to take a look at the country it is running and realise that there is so much more to the Scottish identity than this."

"Getting trolleyed on cheap booze, popping your cherry up a close and wanting England to lose every football match they play are all important parts of the modern Scottish identity. The Scottish Government faces a cross roads; it can embrace the modern Scot, buy him a pint and give Diego Maradonna the freedom of Scotland or it can lose touch with the common man and the MSP's can have some nice Ceilidhs in their ivory tower."

"Some pubs already charge over £3 for a pint of Tennants. Any one who's ever tasted the stuff will know how ridiculous that pricing is. And now we want to charge people more for the same guff in warm cans?"

"A recent survey suggested that 6 out of 10 Scots know that England is geographically 'quite close'. These are the sort of intelligent Scots that only stay in the country because they're constantly pissed up. If we price them out of drinking they'll eventually sober up, realise Scotland is a bit of a shithole and move South. Then where will we be?"

A Labour MSP suggested the SNP plans will never be implemented, "The SNP have already reneged on most of their leading election pledges and couldn't even pass a budget through parliament at the first time of asking. It's obvious that they couldn't organise a piss up in a brewary so I don't see how they're going to be able to stop a piss up in Scotland."