Today's budget is set to reveal that the UK is in an economic crisis of 'Biblical proportions', if the Bible had bankers instead of locusts. Chancellor Alistair Darling will explain the depths of the recession while the Conservative party listen intently, nursing raging hard ons.

Darling is expected to reveal plans to boost employment (open more McDonalds/Tescos) and make 15bn of 'efficiency savings' (make others unemployed in the public sector). The recession has occupied so much of Darling's plans that the budget will neglect the customary ripping off of smokers/drinkers/motorists.

A key feature of Darling's budget presentation is going to be a display to his right showing a map of the USA. When things are getting heated Darling will point to this and say 'They're worse off' before waving around a newspaper cutting of Barack Obama, "And they've got him."

A leaked document has revealed just how radical some parts of the budget will be:

A study of Indian men has concluded that 60% have penises that are between 3 and 5 centimetres shorter than international condom standards. India has the highest rate of HIV infection and it is believed that about 1 in 5 times a condom is used in India it either falls off or is torn. Previously it was assumed that Indian men couldn't put condoms on properly, an assumption that was offensive to most. Dr Puri, who conducted the study said, "The old assumption has been blown away with this study. There should be no further embarrassment, the condom problem is because the nation's cocks are too small. I'm sure hearing this will be a great relief to millions of Indian men."

Happi Yadav of Indian lads mag 'Asian Babes', not to be confused with British smut rag 'Asian Babes' said, "This study is bad news. Worldwide Indian men were starting to get some more pussy on the back of the success of Slumdog Millionaire but now women will think we've got tiny dicks. I can categorically state now, on the behalf of Indian men everywhere, that this study doesn't apply to me. They need to start making XXXL condoms for me..."

Dr Puri called for vending machines to dispense smaller condoms. "Small condoms are available of course, but no one's going to go up and request them. That's like walking into Boots and you're opening line being, 'Hello, my penis is small'. If we provide people with vending machines containing smaller condoms then it's almost like you don't have to admit your penis is small. Just for the record my penis is huge. Absolutely massive. I have to take two normal condoms, cut the top of one and sew them together."



Rapal Nayar, the head of Durex of India, has said the company will respond to the results of the study. "I'd like to start by saying, I don't have this problem. Ask anyone. I've had loads of birds. We are keen to meet the demands of our customers, even if they're embarassed to demand it. We would like to usher in an era of pride in being small. As such we shall install thousands of new small condom loaded machines in busy town squares. When a condom is purchased lights will flash on the machine and bells will sound. This way the public's attention will focus on the buyer and the stigma of having a small cock will, over time, be eradicated.

"When you're in a nice position like I am, massively hung etc, it's nice to help the little guy out. Ahem. This will be my legacy. My way of giving something back."

A Freedom of Information request has revealed that 10 members of Strathclyde Police Force have claimed their official religion is 'Jedi' on diversity forms.

A Strathclyde Police Force spokesperson said the figures were proof that Scotland's largest police force is tolerant and inclusive "to all types of queers and religious loons". The spokesman elaborated, "All those old images of the Police as a inherently racist, homophobic, sexist institution are outdated. We've got homo's on the force, birds do the secretarial work and I've even heard there's a few Asian cops somewhere. I've never seen one, but I'm told they exist. I don't know if they're Muslim or not... you'd like to think not..."



However the figures reveal that Strathclyde Police has more Jedis than homosexuals and ethnic minorities combined. The spokesman defended this saying, "Oh, so one form of diversity is less important than others, eh? I think you're not displaying enough diversity to our Jedi officers. The police force is diverse because it has diversity forms to fill in. Duh."

Adrian Sums of the Institute for Statistics said that the statistics were probably not worth analysing. "I'm sorry if I offend any practicing Jedis out there but I suspect this is a bunch of coppers taking the piss. And that's fine. It's better than them backhanding members of the public before baton whacking them."

Gordon Brown is set to ignore calls to issue an apology over the leaked smear campaign against Tories suggested by his advisor, Damian McBride. McBride sent an email last week to Derek Draper proposing the Labour Party set up a grammatically poor rumour site attacking Tory party members, similar to the Labour bashing blog Guido Fawkes.

The original email said, "We've already stole all their old pathetic policy ideas, so why not steal their even more pathetic ways of attacking rival party members? If you can't beat 'em (which we won't) join 'em! We could start with the so so 'David Cameron is posh' type smears and then just crank it up a notch saying 'David Cameron got the clap after shagging a girl from a council estate' or something. That would damage his reputation amongst Tory voters, being seen to associate with people on council estates."

At first Brown backed down from apologising because he regarded the content of the emails as juvenile. Brown said, "I wouldn't apologise if my kids smeared shit onto friend's walls because it's typical juvenile behaviour and doesn't require an apology. Organising and attempting to implement a smear campaign based around opposition politician's sex lives is just another example of childish behaviour, the sort of thing young kids do all the time. I've dealt with the matter in an appropriate manner. I sat Damian down on the naughty step and spoke in a silly voice saying, 'you've been a vewy naughty boy'."



Cameron was outraged by the 'hangs about with council estate slags' slur and has demanded a personal apology from the Prime Minister. "I doubt very much that there is a local council estate where I live, and if there is I certainly don't know where it is or venture into such seedy areas for sexual intercourse."

The Health Secretary Alan Johnson said that Gordon Brown won't apologise, "He's not going to say sorry to David Cameron. Gordon Brown had nothing to do with this. You apologise for the things you're responsible for. Unless you're Gordon Brown, then you don't even apologise for them, you just blame other people."

New research has revealed that most Britons believe in Heaven and life after death. 55% of people surveyed said they believed in Heaven, and the survey wasn't even conducted outside a church on a Sunday - where you'd maybe expect half of the people attending to believe in Heaven (the other half being there for the tasty good communion wafers).

Gordon Brown has been quick to capitalise on the results of the survey saying, "I can now categorically and once and for all state that Jesus is to blame for the economic downturn. I saw him do it. For the people who look for easy answers in life, let it be known I'm the right man to give you easy answers. Now all that's put to bed, when do I get to meet Oasis? At this stage in his tenure Tony was round at Noel's every weekend for a lagerfest."


"Unless you can serve me Oasis I suggest you fuck off."

The survey also revealed that 70% of Britons believe in the human soul (ha), 39% believe in ghosts (ha ha), and 15% believe that the old gypsy who comes round with a deck of cards and says she can read your fortune, can actually predict the future (ha ha ha). Not all Britons are complete dunces though, as the study revealed that only 12% of adults believe in Santa Claus, the Easter Bunny and the Tooth Fairy.

Confectionery companies have responded to criticism that Easter Eggs are packaged excessively. A Nestle Spokesman explained, "We've ignored complaints for years that Easter Egg packaging is environmentally unfriendly but that was only because we thought environmentalists were a few nutjobs living in trees. Recently market research has led us to believe that normal people who drive cars and travel in aeroplanes are starting to concern themselves with how many poly bags supermarkets use or how much plastic is wrapped around their mechanically reclaimed chicken."

"We've acknowledged this trend and accepted that maybe the massive cardboard boxes we shove our eggs in is no longer appropriate. Nestle has always been quick to respond to such changes, like that time we realised boobs were not the best packaging for breast milk and sold a bunch of formula milk to poor countries. You know the time I'm talking about, we like to call it 'the 70s'. This year we're proud to announce that by reducing the size of our Easter Eggs by 85% we've been able to reduce the amount of packaging we use by 30%."



Nestle promotional material from the 70s.

The move has caused concern amongst parenting groups. Roy Beltum of Lazy Parents for Justice has said that he is not looking forward to his 10 year olds reaction on Easter morning, "My boy is a shrewd one, he always takes the 'Go Large' option in McDonalds because he understands how much more food you get for that 30p. Straight away he'll clock that these Easter Eggs are not as big as previous years. We've had to buy him seven extra to be on the safe side."

"I'm praying to God that the Attention Deficit side of his ADHD doesn't prevent him from seeing that although the eggs are smaller there are more of them. Otherwise his hyperactive side will be triggered and we'll be looking at a Sunday of, at best cleaning his shit off the curtains, or at worse burying the bodies of the neighbours in shallow graves."

"There'll by thousands of other chubbers like my son who'll want revenge for this. Angry, blood spilling revenge."


Roy Jnr's typical lunchbox contains chips and pizza.

The Nestle spokesman responded to Mr Beltum's warnings. "Yeah, right. a bunch of fat kids are going to take to the streets looking for revenge. Whatever, I'll be hiding in the fucking gym. There'll be 'fat' chance of them coming looking for me there, if you get my drift."

Smoothie makers Innocent have announced a new marketing strategy after a £30 million investment from the Coca-Cola company. A clean shaven Innocent executive who we're sure used to have a beard and wore sandals said, "We are going to begin a marketing campaign using famous figures who have been deemed innocent in courts of law but who are clearly as guilty as sin. We feel it is an apt metaphor for our new strategy." New batches of Innocent cartons bearing the images of celebrities such as OJ Simpson and Michael Jackson are set to appear on UK shelves from next month.



The spokesman continued, "This investment by Coke changes next to nothing about our business model. I can detail all the small inconsequential changes for you right now. We'll change our ethos, we'll add half a bag of sugar to each smoothie, we'll start using plastic bottles, we're going to open production plants in the world's poorest areas. Oh, and we're going to change the colour of the drink to black, make it fizzy and start calling it Coke. And that really is all that will change."

A Coca-Cola spokesman, who looked identical to the Innocent spokesman from earlier, welcomed the buy out, erm investment... "We are intrigued by the Innocent brand and marketing strategy. Intrigued in that we don't understand its success. We don't really think Innocent would ever challenge Coca-Cola as the market leader in putting vending machines into school cafeterias but why take the risk?"

Leaders of countries already knee deep in shit wars condemned North Korea last night for going ahead with a controversial rocket launch. North Korean leader Kim Jong-Il defended the launch saying, "Rocket? Na, it's a satellite transmitting revolutionary songs such as Dylan's 'The Times They Are A-changin' and Bon Jovi's 'Always'. The Rock... rockellite... um satellite is also equipped with the latest Ambi Pur technology to spray a puff of lavender into the air when nasty smells reach a certain level."

British PM Gordon Brown's only comment on the incident was, "Not my fault". The British Government, however, was quick to produce a dossier on North Korea's weapons capabilities. The dossier, titled, "North Korea is going to blow your children's fillings out of their face" details that Kim Jong-Il is 'a very bad man indeed' and 'may have squashed a bug intentionally at some point'.

The dossier goes on to make a claim that North Korea's rockets are so accurate that they could 'target a sandwich in your lunch box, launch, be at your lunch box in 45 seconds, remove the Tupperware lid and then destroy your lunch. There is scientific evidence that if North Korea were to target every lunch box in Britain then the country would collectively starve to death before dinner time.'

BBC presenter Clare Balding has been criticised for bullying Grand National winning jockey Liam Treadwell. The presenter dragged him off his horse and pulled him towards a camera screaming, "Give the people at home a big grin." The jockey nervously smiled, keeping his lips closed. Balding then slapped him before saying, "I'm not going to tell you twice, you midget. A big grin so we can see your teeth."

The jockey scuffled with Balding before running off. "I'm sorry viewers, he obviously thinks that now he's a Grand National Winning jockey he can ignore me. His teeth look like a row of buildings mid demolition. Suppose you can afford to get them fixed now, eh short arse?" Treadwell could be heard shouting back, "At least I don't look like a fat dyke" before mounting his steed and flying out of the racecourse.

Frankie Detorri's autobiography made reference to an unnamed monster who would approach him from behind and "put a hand up between my legs and yanked my nuts backwards until I was being dragged along by my nuts looking like a sledge." Keiron Fallon made a reference in court to an ugly terror within racing circles who struck so much fear in him he rigged a bunch of races in the hope he could make enough money to retire early.

The BBC defended the actions of Balding citing a need for more licence money to produce presenters who are more tolerant to others. "First it's ropey old Clare Balding slagging the way someone looks but if we don't get more moola we face the ridiculous situation of Gary Lineker or Andrew Marr insulting people with slightly bigger ears, or Brucie having a go at pensioners who are slightly older than him. Mark my words, it'll end in Jonathan Ross taking the piss out of people with speech impediments."

Scotland Captain Barry Ferguson and back up goalie Allan McGregor have been told they will not be considered for Scotland selection again after 48 hours of acting like total dickheads.

The Scotland squad returned home in the early hours of the morning after being taught how to play football in a 3-0 defeat by the Netherlands. Most of the players went off to bed to have nightmares about defending set pieces while Ferguson and McGregor stayed up to celebrate the result. Other hotel guests eating breakfast hours later were shocked to find the pair crawl out from under tables. One guest said, "I couldn't believe it when the Scotland captain appeared from under my table looking rough as fuck and asked me if I was finished with my black pudding."

Scotland manager George Burley dropped the pair to the bench for the match against Iceland a few days later saying, "We all saw how stinking a goalie MacGregor is in Amsterdam and that was him sober." Ferguson and McGregor sat on the bench and combined their intelligence on how to keep a low profile and came up with the idea of flicking the v-sign as cameras past them.


Craig Gordon: a better 'keeper than McGregor, even with two hands tied behind his back.

The following day the Scottish Football Association released a two worded statement clarifying the pairs international situation in language they would understand. The statement read "Get tae..."

George Burley is now desperately scouting Hamilton for a ned who has an outstanding ability to pass the ball backwards and sideways and is also on the look out for a goalkeeper who has a knack of making a meal of simple saves and doesn't know what to do with himself at corners.


"So, the guy with the gloves on does what?"

Ferguson and McGregor are said to be 'not bothered' about their international exile as they still have a glittering career ahead of them, picking up the diddy trophies that Celtic can't be arsed winning.

Italian joker Silvio Berlusconi has upset the Queen by being 'too noisy'. The incident occurred at a Buckingham palace photo shoot where G20 leaders met the Queen. As the Queen approached her seat the Italian PM made that low 'whooo' noise that Italian football fans make when a player runs up to hit a free kick or corner, providing that the Italian football they're watching hasn't bored them to sleep. As the Queen sat down Berlusconi screamed "GOLLLLAZZZOOO!!!" and turned to high five a bemused looking Japanese Prime Minister. When the Queen complained Berlusconi playfully replied, "Ah Bella Donna, tonight you sleep witha fishes."


"Whatever you do Ma'am, don't tell Signor Berlusconi which horse is your favourite..."

Over the years Berlsuconi's clowning around has been a quirk that has almost made political meetings watchable. Who can forget the way he jumped out a 4 story window to avoid the German Chancellor? Or the way he made 'humpy humpy' motions behind the back of President Sarkozy's wife? Or the time he said Chinese communists eat children?

Berlusconi had been looking forward to getting to know American President Barack Obama at the G20 meetings. He stated this was his top priority instead of 'fannying about making useless pledges.' During the American Presidential campaign Berlusconi offered his support to Obama saying he admired him because he is 'young, handsome and has a great tan'. The remark caused a bit of controversy and Berlusconi promised he had a big surprise lined up for Obama but had left it in his native Italy. Italy's leading novelty costume shop, Si Si Fascism Si, has revealed to The Tangent that one 'full Grand Wizard KKK outfit' was rented by a Mr S Berlusconi and is now overdue for return.



A Buckingham Palace spokesman was quick to make light of the incident saying, "Even though the Queen is a grumpy old carp these days she wasn't insulted by Mr Berlusconi's activities. She has commented to me about how jolly the whole shindig was and remarked that it was a lot better than the G20 meeting when Mr Berlusconi turned up in a tiger print thong and slapped everyone's bottoms with a towel."



Incidentally Berlusconi is said to have made a favourable impression on Prince Philip.