The 2008/20009 football season finished yesterday and left football fans saying 'I knew that would happen! Same time, same place next season then?'

Chelsea and Rangers beat plucky no hopers Everton and Falkirk respectively to win their domestic FA Cups. One Chelsea fan said, "I just knew Chelsea could win one of the trophies they were playing for. That's why I bought a Chelsea top in the first place."

Fans have been slow to renew season tickets which sports/economics University types have said is due to the 'credit crunch providing a great excuse not to shell out thousands for the same old routine'.

Noted racist and former football pundit Ron Atkinson said, "If you look at all the major leagues in Europe, and I don't count the frog's league, then they were all won by the usual candidates. Thankfully Juventus and Ajax didn't win their leagus cos I still can't pronounce their soft 'j's' correctly. But generally there's only 2 or 3 teams in each league who can challenge. The German league had a shock winner, yeah. But supercharged Arian football doesn't count in my book. It's all 'Hans, Hans put da ball straight on my toe. Thanking you'. I'd rather watch monkeys play up a tree..."



Sky Sports are in crisis talks with Premier League clubs to make football more entertaining so they can keep selling £50 quid a month contracts to armchair fatties. "Why can't the Premiership be more like an episode of Lost?" said one executive, "Football should get with the times. Be more like a drama with real people instead of a boring old game of football. Manchester City getting all that money is sort of like a mysterious new character appearing in Lost, maybe like Lost it'll take ages for them to make any impact..."

"For years we've been saying the Premiership is the best league in the world. But I don't know if we can still say that. Have you seen the names of the teams in it next year? It's going to be incest-tastic on the terraces... It's a difficult position for us. we need thrills and spills and shocks but we can't take it too far or you end up with a diddy team in Europe embarrassing English football. Remember Blackburn Rovers?"

The Honour Roll for next season may be similar to the previous 10 seasons but season 2009/2010 has some issues undecided, will the Europa league replace the UEFA Cup in the hearts and minds of the people as 'that other European trophy the average teams play for'? Will Chelsea keep a manager for a whole season? And what of Carlos Tevez? Will he admit he is a time travelling play boy and went back in time to do the dirty with Carlos Puyol's mother?

Newcastle United have got one step closer to ending their trophy drought by being relegated from the Premiership to the Championship. Bookies made The Toon Army favourites to lift the 2009/2010 MDF/Polystyrene Championship Trophy. Kevin Keegan is reported to have said, "I will LOVE it... LOVE it... if we can beat the likes of Cardiff and Doncaster to the trophy next season. LOVE IT."

As Newcastle's relegation was confirmed, Sky Sports, who labeled United 'The Entertainers' in the mid 90s, released a statement marking the end of a tedious relationship, "We at Sky Sports would like to wish Newcastle United all the best. They entertained us all the way. Through the 90s we were thrilled by their cavalier yet disastrous approach to the concept of defending. In 1996 we were thoroughly entertained as they surrendered a 12 point lead at the top of the league. And they entertained us to the end yesterday by providing the stage to watch fat topless Geordies cry like little girls."

"But all good things come to an end. It's with great sadness that we end our association with Newcastle but the level of football in the Championship is so awful we won't be showing many games from there next season. Not even Setanta would. And they show Scottish football."

There is expected to be an exodus of players from Tyneside due to the financial restraints the club will be under. Big name underperformers like Michael Owen and and... well that's it really... are expected to draw the attention of bigger clubs that can offer a better standard of football. So far Hull City, Stoke, Bolton Wanderers and Sunderland are interested.

Newcastle legend Alan Shearer was optimistic about the club's future. Shearer, who is often mistaken for Jesus by Newcastle fans, was brought in as manager when the club was already in 'deep relegation do do', as football experts call it. "There's one thing you can't take away from Newcastle fans and that's their stupidity. Education didn't do it and neither will relegation. Look at me. I turned down the chance to play for Manchester United to play here. And as long as Newcastle fans are stupid we'll have 50,000 season tickets holders and sell 100s of thousand of XXXL replica kits and that will keep the club going financially."

"It's not so bad being in the Championship. When I were a lad this league was called the Second Division. Now that would be a miserable place to be. Then it became the First Division when the Premiership was invented and now it's the Championship. We're hoping the Premiership changes it's name to the Monopolyship and then the Championship can become the Premiership and Newcastle United will be back where they belong."

QUEEN'S QUEST TO FIND MOST RACIST MAN IN BRITAIN.



The Queen's garden party guest list is set to read like a who's who of racists as the Queen is seeking to replace her current non racist jester with someone a bit more controversial. Evidence of the Queen's fondness for racism dates back to 1972 after she was seen 'guffawing immensely' at an Alf Garnett's Royal Variety performance.

Originally the Queen planned to run a 'Britain's Got Talent' type show to find the ideal racist. The decision to abandon this idea was made because Simon Cowell owns the format and would insist on being a show judge. A Royal Aid said, "The Queen doesn't like that so many pies already have Simon Cowell's greedy fingers in them, so she planned the garden party as an alternative. Simon Cowell also used to date a black women so that meant he was a big 'no'.

The garden party line up so far includes main event racists such as the Queen's grandson - Prince Harry, her husband - Prince Philip and BNP leader Nick Griffin. More racists are expected to be announced in the weeks leading up to the garden party. Jade Goody had to be hastily removed from the list after the Queen was informed of her death.

The Royal Aid went on to describe the plans for the big day. "The first round will be a debate round. To see which racist can come up with the most paranoid vision of an integrated future. After all that doom and gloom and talk of 'brown people marrying your daughter' there'll be a racist joke round to lighten the mood."

"There will also be a practical round but I can't give details as to what form it'll take yet. At first we were going to invite Omid Djalili, leave a stick sharpened at both ends somewhere in the grounds and see which racist put his head on it first. But someone pointed out that the test wouldn't be useful as anyone who'd seen his stand up act would want to put his head on a stick, never mind a racist. So that area's still under construction."

TODDLER DEMANDS 'WHERE'S MY DIGGER?'



A toddler has thrown herself to the ground and beat her fists on the carpet after her parents canceled an online order she made for a digger. The Australian kid made the order on a well known auction side (begins in 'e' ends in 'bay') after her parents had left themselves logged in.

The idiot father said, "There I was sifting through my emails to see if there were any good deals on cock enlargement equipment when I open this email from the auction site and - holy wallabies mate - we owe 8 grand for a shiny new digger. So I shouts Martha, that's the missus, I shout 'Martha, come here a minute and bring a cold one'. You know what women are like, I assumed she'd bought it with her credit card. I was ready to give her a few rapids to the jaw with me belt buckle."


Australians.

A horrific scene of domestic abuse was avoided when the couple established that the digger had been purchased by their daughter. The couple explained to the seller who saw the funny side and decided against using the unpaid digger to tear up their garden. One person has failed to see the funny though...

Pipi Quinlan, the child at the centre of the story, said to her parents "I want me digger and I'm not talking to you or eating any dinner until I get it. I HATE YOU!"

Sex education in schools received a boost today as it was revealed 12 year old Alfie Patten is not the father of his 15 year old girlfriend's baby. Young Alfie was distraught saying "If only I'd switched off in Johnny class I'd be a dad now. That's the last time I pay attention in school."

Alfie spoke of his dashed hopes for fatherhood, "I was looking forward to firing into baby Maisie's mates when she was a teenager. I'd be old enough to get full minimum wage and could buy them all the Blue WKD it needed. I was especially looking forward to holding my first grandchild at 24."

"All that has been taken from me now and there just isn't a My Chemical Romance song to describe how I'm feeling."

The Department for Education were toasting the news, "When this story originally broke we were given hell about the state of sex education. People were saying campaigns such as 'Rubber up when giving a chubber a fuck' were missing the point. Well, Alfie got the point didn't he? Obviously, there still needs to be some work done with 15 year olds... but one age at a time. That's 12 year olds nailed. With protection. Give credit where it's due."

The boy the DNA test revealed to be the father has claimed the results are fixed. "That cow's done this to me 'cos I'm in a position to provide for the kid, unlike Alfie. I've got a paper round and sell a bit of hash to my mates. That's my money bitch - hands off, golddigga! I know the baby's not mine. I took all the usual precautions like doing it standing up and getting off the train at Paisley."

Jeremy Kyle expressed his deep sadness about the whole situation. "It's such a shame that I couldn't exploit this DNA test on TV."

Liverpool manager Rafael Benitez has refused to congratulate Sir Alex Ferguson after his United team strolled to another league title. "Ferguson is making the rest of us look stupid by winning all the trophies there are. It's not very fair at all."

"Normally it is respectful to congratulate the other manager, but this season I've seen a lot of things I didn't like. I saw us beat Manchester United twice but fail to beat Stoke once. I saw Christiano Ronaldo walk out of a car accident completely unscathed. And worst of all I watched David N'Gog try and fill Fernando Torres' boots when he was injured."


When he league was lost.

Rafa made the comments after he was spotted emerging from a sports shop with a bag full of Barcelona tops.



Fegrguson responded by saying, "Sorry, I can't quite hear you... It's too loud where I am. I'm with the squad. We're celebrating that trophy we've won. I better go. Berbatov's trying to stuff Tevez into the trophy and Rio's got some good gear lined up on the table."

United's victory was especially bitter for Liverpool fans as it saw United equal Liverpool's haul of 18 league titles. Liverpool fans are being told by club officials not to worry about this as come next year United will be one ahead and then Liverpool fans can give up relentlessly clinging to the past.

Bear Gylls has become the youngest leader of the scouts. Bear was deep in the Amazon when he learned of the vacancy, "There I was under a shelter made of bark and bee stings that I'd pulled out of my nads, having a nutritious snack of bettle turds when I got a text on my Blackberry about the scouts gig. I captured a pigeon, ripped out it's magnetic centre and started to cut across land and sea to get to the scouts office to hand in my CV."

Although Bear is a lot younger than the rest of the candidates and his CV was a bit battered after the swim across the Atlantic and the mugging he suffered in Camden, the Scouting Association were suitably impressed by his dedication in applying. "The most dedication we'd seen up until that point was one guy managed to send his CV as an attachment, via email. Let me tell you, we were dead impressed with that level of skill and ingenuity but then Bear turned up smelling foul and told us he'd just commandeered a stray dog to get here before closing time."

Bear hopes to modernise the scouts. "More than ever kids need the survival skills I can teach them for when they grow up and land a mediocre desk job in the City. I'm not overhauling any current scout programmes, just tweaking them. Like knot tying will be taught on flaming ropes and swimming will be conducted in icy pools. The only programme I am insisting on being added to the current scout curriculum is Badger Identification so kids know which types of badger are edible and which aren't."

The current crop of scouts are largely said to be excited about the appointment of Bear. One said, "He's called Bear, how cool is that? Cooler than Peter, that's for sure".

Not everyone is looking forward to Bear's reign though. One teenage member said, "Scouts is pretty gay. I only joined for the bullying opportunities and the football. Playing for my school, my local team and the scouts just about keeps me out of trouble. I've heard that this bloke drinks his own piss and stuff. The only people I've seen drinking their own piss in scouts are people me and my mates have got a hold of in the toilets. He can jog on if he thinks I'll be guzzling piss." Despite his comments the teenager downed a can of Tennents Lager he was holding.

House of Commons speaker Michael Martin is set to learn the word 'scapegoat' on Monday. Sources close to the speaker say that Martin is not looking forward to learning the new word as it will probably coincide with him looking for a new job.

"People say that Michael supports the status quo and as such is a barrier to reform. If you think he's stuck in his ways when it comes to shaking up something like a flawed expense system you should see him trying to learn new words. He calls 02 BT Cellnet, he calls his computer an 'electric typewriter with a telly screen' and he still calls his local boozer 'The Glass in the Face' when it's been called 'The Smashing Fist' since 1982. Norwich Union have sent Ringo Starr and Bruce Willis round to both of Michael's houses to try and explain they will be called Aviva from now on."


"It's called Aviva now. Yeah, it's a stupid name but so was Die Harder."

Lib Dem leader Nick Clegg has piled pressure on Martin by saying he should step down so the expense system can be overhauled. "Michael Martin is not the right man for the job. He'll make any reform of the expense system practically impossible because he's an old school politician who is used to the finer things in life such as having the tax payer pay for your mortgage. I'm convinced if Martin steps down then politicians will instantly stop being thieving, cheating scum bags."

"I realise it's quite a precedent for a party leader to call for a speaker to step down and it is a decision I have not taken lightly. I spent considerable time mulling over who I should nominate as scapegoat for this whole fiasco and in the end I arrived at Martin. After all he is a lumbering jock with a bit of working class whiff about him, so that makes it a bit easier for the media and public to accept. I wonder which lumbering jock we can push next?"

Last night Labour and Tory MPs were seemingly acting in a common plan and paying money out of their own pocket directly into the UK economy. Leading figures in both parties have written cheques for substantial sums and presented them to the government. One said, through grated teeth, "I'm really pleased to offer this contribution to the UK economy."

Gordon Brown said, "Here we can see the major political figures of our country paying money out of their own pocket in support of the country. I subscribe to the adage 'put your money where your mouth is' and that's what we're doing. Incidentally my subscription isn't like a magazine subscription where you pay money for it and therefore it doesn't incur any cost which I would maybe or maybe not claim on expenses. Just clearing the air..."

The drive has seen numerous large donations made and more are set to follow. Lord Mandelson suggested he will soon be donating a substantial figure. "After carefully reading all the rules, so I know exactly how far they can be stretched, I have failed to find anything to say that MPs must make donations like the ones that we have seen over the past few days."

"Although making donations isn't strictly within the spirit of the rules, I have no problem in acting outside the spirit of the rules and will cut a cheque sometime soon if you promise to give me a bit of peace. I've got a major flat renovation project on just now and could really do without all this hassle."

Reports that MPs sitting in the House of Commons spontaneously launched into an unscripted song and dance routine featuring lyrics expressing their happiness at making such contributions remain unconfirmed.

Electronic giant Sony has reported a loss of nearly 100bn yen which it contributes to the global down turn and not the fact they have no popular market leading technology any more. Sir Howard Stringer, President of Sony said, "I don't get it. I still prefer the Sony Vaio to the ibook, when I get the thing to work. And to be honest I think the PS One is better than that kiddie console Nintendo have got out there just now. So basically this slump is a combination of the global downturn and consumer idiocy."

Sony are expected to implement a series of measures aimed at short term recovery such as forcing Konami to release 4 Metal Gear Solid games before the end of the year and seeking interdicts against competitors. The long term future of the company has been outlined in a leaked document revealing the company is to 'take creative inspiration from our more successful competitors to once again lead the future of video gaming'. The new console is codenamed PS-Wii.

Dave Perry, the Games Animal, the Greatest Games player of all time, said of the proposals. "Sony have got the right idea here. They've got the console with the best numbers, it's got 3 right in the title of the thing. Compare that with Xbox and its puny 2 or the Wii with its total lack of number after its name and you can see how strong Sony's machine is even before you get under the lid. But under the lid is where it all kicks off. Whoah. Some of those numbers, I mean no one understands them, but they certainly make me excited."

"Problem is they've just rehashed the games that helped them kick everyone's ass 15 years ago. They've made them shinier and more realistic, which for me, as a true gamer is all that matters. What us connoisseurs of games want is super realistic animation when severing someone's head with a tennis racket. But the casual gamer doesn't seem to be interested in playing the 1 millionth iteration of an EA Sports game or another cinematic adventure of Solid Snake. They always say they want 'fun'. Gaming's not supposed to be about fun, it's supposed to be about being so bowled over by lovely textures that you can ignore how deeply flawed a title is."

The Gamesmaster Patrick Moore also commented on Sony's console, "The PS3 is like a flash, good looking bird with a great set of tits. She's fun to fuck around with for a while but when no one's looking you'll be off with the crude looking girl that encourages you to stand in your living room waiving your arms around like an idiot, laughing so hard that you piss yourself a little. The flash bird will wait in the wings gathering dust, only being taken out when you want to impress your mates. Don't we all want something that offers us entertainment instead of flashy frills?" He then swanned off with a group of cheer leaders who'd been waiting outside his observatory.

Barack Obama has changed his mind about releasing pictures of American soldiers abusing prisoners. The US president originally had no objection to the Court of Appeal ruling that the pictures were to be made available through the Freedom of Information Act but has now decided to fight the ruling.

The President said, "When I took over the Presidency I thought the popularity contest would just go on and on and on. So I was saying, 'Hey, I'm cool. Yeah let's do this and do that'. But the truth is the country I'm in charge of is prone to getting involved in unpopular wars and screwing up while there. There's only so long I can get personal benefit from proving how much of a fucktard the country was under the previous administration."

It is believed Obama feels releasing the pictures would make things more difficult for troops serving in Afghanistan and Iraq. One media expert has said that the change of heart may have been motivated by Obama, "Opening his fucking eyes and actually looking at the pictures."

"Obama misjudged this. He obviously thought the pictures would be the sort of forces abuse we're all use to by now, such as soldiers making prisoners dress up in poor quality Halloween costumes and standing on a box, dragging them by a leash or forcing their penises into the vaginas of female prisoners." said the media expert.



"But the reality is much worse. The pictures I've seen show US soldiers holding open prisoner's eyelids and making them watch episodes of Grey's Anatomy and Desperate Housewives. It's disgusting and degrades both parties, to watch that sort of nonsense. Other horrific pictures show prisoners being forced to watch Baseball while being fed giant bucket fulls of Kentucky Fried Chicken."

Tony Blair used his expenses to remortgage his constituency home for nearly ten times what he paid for it. He then used this money to by a bigger, better, faster home amid unconfirmed reports he'd been watching Property Ladder.

Reaction: a spokesman for Tony Blair said, "Mr Blair is no longer a serving MP , so you can't fucking touch him."

Blair's successor Gordon Brown spent more than £6,500 on a cleaner which his brother got a shot of too. She also cleaned his brother's house when she was done. There was a further claim of £600 for guitar lessons and VIP tickets to Oasis concerts.

Reaction: Gordon Brown's temporary advisor said "Ordinary plebs obviously don't realise how big a house 10 Downing Street is. It costs a lot to clean. You might ask, isn't that what his wife's for? Yeah, you'd think so but look at him, he's hardly going to wear the trousers, is he? Also, the guitar lessons and Oasis tickets are calculated expenses to boost the PM's popularity, if it was still 1995."


Not in picture: Gordon Brown struggling to get his fingers around a G chord.

John Prescott made a £5,000 claim for specialised 'fish and chips' scented Jaguar air fresheners. He also charged the tax payer for a reinforced toilet seat and a man girdle.

Reaction: the former Deputy PM said, "I'm John Prescott, bitch." before smacking our reporter about a bit.

Serial scumbag Lord Mandelson claimed for improvements to a house he sold on for £136,000 profit. The Business Secretary also claimed over £3,000 for Costa Coffee skinny Lates.

Reaction: "If it wasn't in the rules it wouldn't have been paid, would it? Well, obviously all the instances of double paying for things, and claiming pornos would suggest that it might be... but If we overlook that sort of thing these repairs only got paid for because they're permitted by the rules. So what are you whining about? Anyway, I don't even like coffee. I only bought all those coffees from Costa to teach the owner of Starbucks a lesson. Don't mess with Mandy, you know? Again, clearly within the spirit of the rules."

Conservatives

David Willetts' claimed £100 for paying people to come and change his light bulbs.

Reaction: "Some of the light bulbs were screw in, some were bayonet. That's far too many variables to deal with in the dark, so I paid the professionals to do it."

Welsh secretary Cheryl Gillan (who she?), in one of the more frivolous claims, was reimbursed £5 for dog food.

Reaction: "We'd had the dog for a few weeks in which time it had became increasingly lethargic. One day we got up and it was barely moving at all. I called a vet, a call I paid for, and after much discussion and confusion it was established that the dog needed food. Did you know that animals run on food just like us? Apparently working class people do too. So I went and bought it some food and it perked up right away. We've repeated the process every couple of weeks since and the dog can now stand for about 30 seconds at a time."

Vintage Tory Douglas Hogg is accused of charging the tax payer £2,000 for 'moat widening' at his authentically medieval castle.

Reaction: None. The draw bridge has been closed and there's a Knight on horseback patrolling the grounds.


Cometh and haveth a go if you thinketh your hard enougheth.

Stewart Jackson, Michael Ancram and James Arbuthnot all claimed for maintenance to swimming pools.

Reaction: All three released a statement together. "Give us some credit here. Labour are messing about claiming for tampons and bottles of Yazoo while us Tories are gunning for moats and swimming pool repairs. Let's put it in a context you'll understand. Labour are like the guy who nicks some post-it notes from the office and we're like the guy who walks off with the fucking computers. That takes balls. Would you rather have someone with balls running your country or someone who'll nab something out the stationary cabinet once every now and again?"

"To show there's no hard feelings, we'll allow poor people to use our swimming pools for one hour a week, between 4am and 5am on a Monday morning. Except for Michael Barrymore."

Lib Dems

Former party leader Sir Menzies Campbell paid his daughter's friend £10,000 to design and decorate his house. There is also a claim for over £8,000 for the advanced cryogenics it requires to give the impression that Sir Menzies is still alive.

Reaction: "The design work represents value for money." said Amy Schellenberg, the designer paid 10 grand to put up some drapes and litter Sir Menzies flat with bean bags.

Lembit Opik charged a summary charge of £40 for not paying his council tax on time to his expense account.

Reaction: "It could have been worse, I could have done a Jack Straw and just paid the whole bill on expenses."

Another former party leader, Charles Kennedy charged nearly £5,000 to expenses for something called 'Haddows'.

Reaction: "Whi? Whi? Who ur ye lukin et? Ye wee baw bag."

The Pope has warned against the misuse of religion for political ends while visiting Jordan. The head honcho of the Catholic church said, "It upsets me to see leaders use religion to drive political agendas. Especially when those leaders are Islamic. That really grinds my balls."

"Religion should be misused to keep your followers really poor while you gather gold to stick to stuff. I won't have anything in my house that's not gold and that's the way it should be. I saw the MTV Cribs with Snoop Doggy Dog and I laughed at the tiny amounts of gold he had. His sofa was made out of some sort of black stuff called leather. What a dolt."



"I also like misusing faith for shits and giggles. Sometimes when I'm bored I fly to Africa and frown about condoms just to keep the whole continent riddled with AIDs. Oh and I love that we make our followers feel guilty about absolutely everything they do. Ha."

"But misusing religion for political agendas? Na, that's just not on. If you misuse religion you could end up taking someone's eye out. You know the bit I'm talking about, something about eyes for eyes?"

New super Catholic convert Tony Blair criticised the Pope over the comments, "Well, uh, this shows that, em, this new Pope has lost the plot. That old Pope was nice and cuddly, you know? Quite unoffensive. This guy's a bit of a, hmm, muppet. It's kind of like the situation with Gordon and me, yeah? Anyway, I think this Pope should step down and let a, erm, dynamic forward thinking, plan making young man take over the reigns. It would be an added bonus if he was easy on the eye and could play a couple of chords on the, umm, electric guitar. Where do I apply?"