The jubilant Chief Executive of the Scottish Football Association spoke outside the court, "This is a great verdict. My only reservation is if it's decided we can off each other and England win the World Cup I'd have to be the last man standing, being in charge of the SFA and all. I'm kind of in a Captain going down with his ship type scenario. Who the hell is going to help kill me?"

Tavish McHamish agreed saying, "In theory we have our own regional programming but in reality that equates to highlights of the highland games, gratuitous shots of Tom Weir's enviable torso and documentaries about how much of a God forsaken stink hole Stornoway is. Other than that it would be endless programming about England winning a couple of football matches."

The English FA were quick to release a statement urging Scots not to kill themselves. "We all know we're going to pee ourselves with excitement about winning the World Cup and then screw up in the semi final when Wayne Rooney gets injured... besides if the Scots died out then we couldn't laugh at their inferior team to feel better about our team.

Latest Stories:
South Korean parliament mistaken for set of wacky new South East Asian game show.
Gerrard more likely to win boxing title than Premiership title, court hears.
L.A. Galaxy fans offer reminder that Americans don't 'get' football.

SOUTH KOREAN PARLIAMENT MISTAKEN FOR SET OF WACKY NEW SOUTH EAST ASIAN GAME SHOW.

South Korea's parliament bordered on interesting today as politicians thought they were contestants on a wacky new quiz show. Young Di Jong said, "I got to work, as normal. Sat down, as normal. Then all of a sudden I found myself leaping over a crowd of fellow ministers onto the speaker's box. I really thought I was a participant in a hit quiz show like Doki Doki pol Makat!?!"

Parliament was attempting to introduce a new media reform when the chaos erupted with politicians taking it in turns to jump over a crowd of other politicians to grab the 'Golden Amulet of Media Reform'. The speaker had been locked out of parliament after MPs managed to attach a giant novelty padlock onto the door of his chamber.




In his place, the Deputy Speaker slapped the crowd with a giant open palmed foam hand while some odd, comedic music was played over the parliament's PA system. One South Korean politician said of the incident, "North Korea has got all this press for having a crazy leader. We were hoping to show the world that South Korean doesn't need a dictator to be craazzeeee. We want everyone to know our whole parliament is utterly mental."

Former UK speaker Michael Martin took time out from 'scamming the giro' and 'dreaming up far fetched disability claims' to comment on the incident. Speaking outside a tenement building with no roof, Gorbals Mick said, "See if that wis me, aye? Ah'd a pure loast ma rag and tanked the lot o' they wee scunners."

Postcard perfect scouser, Steven Gerrard attacked a bar DJ with 'the style and speed of a boxer', a court heard today. Liverpool captain Gerrard was celebrating Liverpool's victory over Newcastle, which the prosecution compared to a 10 year old celebrating after finishing their dinner.

Gerrard is accused of attacking DJ Marcus McGhee, who refused to play Gerrard's choice of songs in a bar. McGhee said, "He asked if I knew who he was. I didn't. He told me. I said I didn't follow football. He looked disgusted so I said I knew that Manchester United were the best team in the country. I was hoping to win some favour with him by bluffing football knowledge. He then went a little bit sad, before going completely skitzo."

He'd seemed a nice guy up to that point. You know, the point when he started punching me in the face. I only refused his choices because he kept asking for Cast. I would say no and he'd come back 2 minutes later having thought of another request. But it would just be another Cast song..."

Gerrard has admitted hitting McGhee but claims he acted in self defence. The tape of the evening shows Gerrard first defending himself through mind control, forcing a friend to elbow the victim in the face. While the DJs head is down Gerrard defensively hits him in the face with half a dozen uppercuts. Gerrard then again uses mind control to defend himself, having the bar manager hold his arms behind his back and dragging him away from the floored DJ.

Boxing promoter Frank Warren, fresh out of negotiations to sell his granny said, "I'd give 'im a chance. Get 'im in the ring. He's probably got a fair bit of anger from being on the lengthening list of Liverpool captains not to win a league title. We could hone that anger. Most important thing? He'd put bums on seats. And those bums would pay to sit on those seats. I could buy myself a neck with the takings..."


Warren, dreaming of the day boxers evolve udders.

As newly crowned WBA Light-Welterweight Champion, Amir Khan, watched the Gerrard footage with Warren and the twinkle in Warren's eye grew brighter, Khan's chin started to crumble into his lap.

The trial is expected to last a week before Gerrard is acquitted after signing lots of Liverpool shirts for members of the jury.

L.A Galaxy fans have booed David Beckham after his loan spell with AC Milan finished. It happened while Beckham played for the American side against his future employers. Beckham's agent denied reports that Beckham was kitted up in the Milan dressing room beforehand after forgetting he still played for Galaxy.

Beckham's commitment has been criticised by American fans after he left Galaxy mid season to join a much better team in a much better league to play a much higher standard of football. Recently, Galaxy team mate Landon Donovan publicly criticised the midfielder saying, "I really really wish AC Milan would sign me. Christ, I'm so desperate to get to play in a European league I'd even consider a transfer to Tottenham."


Landon Donovan is the second best footballer in the world with the surname 'Donovan', after Jason.

Beckham has admitted that his move to Major League Soccer was a mistake. "I knew my time at Real Madrid was up. I'd really enjoyed my time in Spain, what with shagging Rebecca Lois and that. So when L.A. Galaxy came in for me I said 'yes' in a second. I thought they were a Spanish team called La Galaxy. I tend to ignore punctuation marks 'cos I don't know what they do."

"It was only when I asked Victoria why the flight was taking so long that she mentioned we was going to America. I think I showed great commitment to stay here as long as I have. Have you actually watched any American socc... socc... football? It's like watching one of those football fuck up collections that get released at Christmas. The only thing that's missing is David Seaman doing voice-overs."

At half time in the Milan match Beckham went over to a section of fans that were giving him a particularly hard time and appeared to laugh his ass off at them while his soon-to-be Milan teammates came up behind him and joined in the pointing and laughing at the American supporters.

Hickgreaser Hayhauler, a Galaxy fan of 7 months said, "I'm Galaxy until I die. It makes my blood boil seeing that guy out there not giving a god damn shit. I'd sweat blood for my team and he just wants on the next flight to Milan. Good riddance. We don't need anyone who's not 117% dedicated to the Galaxy cause."

Joey Ray-Goateater added, "He's overrated anyway. When he signed I thought he'll score 60 goals a game and make 5,000 assists. Him and his wife can get the hell out of here; they're not welcome any more. That's why I led fellow Galaxy fans in singing an old English ditty called 'Posh Spice Takes it up the Arse.'"

Football analyst, Theodore Quinton believes Galaxy fans have unreasonable expectations if they believe Beckham should stay with the club. "He's going to play in a proper league with a team that's won the European Cup 7 times in time to get himself into the thoughts of Fabio Coppello for the 2010 World Cup. To do it he's leaving behind a club which considers Alexi Lalas one of its all time great players."


Lalas: thoroughly average.

Speculation is rife that with the Beckham gimmick gone from Major League Soccer, Scottish no hopers Rangers and Celtic will offer their services to the MLS in a desperate attempt to earn some more money and not have to pummel Hamilton Academical 4 times each next season.

Former special advisor to Gordon Brown, Damian McBride, has revealed that the PM can get so angry that he malfunctions and is incapable of taking any action about what made him so angry in the first place.

McBride was hired in an attempt to win the PM more favourable press. His efforts to do this involved sending emails that accused senior Conservatives of much more interesting behaviour than a Conservative could ever hope to be involved in. McBride accused George Osborne of owning a gimp suit, a senior female Tory of charging 5p a go to 'flash her nips' in the Houses of Parliament and claimed David Cameron could perform Auto-fellatio.


No wonder he looks so smug.

McBride stepped down after the plan resulted in the Labour party looking like a bigger bunch of pathetic losers than when Tony Blair tried to play football with some working class kids. He said of the moment he told Gordon Brown of the emails, "Gordon was so angry he couldn't speak. He was paralysed with anger. He just sat there, jaw unhinged, saying nothing. So I suggested that maybe I should resign. About ten minutes later he managed to nod in agreement."


He could probably get a game for Newcastle mind...

"I think it's characteristic of Gordon. People think he has a temper but when he gets really angry he freezes up unable to do or say anything. He must have been really angry seen as it took him about 2 weeks to accept responsibility and apologise for the mess."

Aldous Waylon, a psychologist explained, "People who react as Gordon does have learned this behaviour in childhood when they will have often found they can't control their temper. It's a defence mechanism so that he doesn't go apeshit and start throwing chairs at people's heads."

"This probably explains why when the banks came looking for money he gave them it and was too angry to do anything to stop it happening in the future. It also probably explains why when he couldn't reshuffle his cabinet of self-serving, back-stabbing shits he was just too angry to do anything about it and let them sit where they wanted."

"I predict that when the Conservatives wipe the floor with Labour at next year's election, Brown will be so angry he won't speak for years. He might stay silent for so long that another Labour government will be in power when he breaks his silence. "

The PM's office has made no response to McBride's comments, amidst speculation the PM is in his office, silently consumed with anger that McBride won't just shut up and go away.

Scottish mainlanders came out in their dozens today to show opposition to people from Stornoway being able to reach the mainland 7 days a week. Mainlanders took time out from their sinful, debauched lives to stand around in the cold to shout a bit at the new Sunday ferry service running between Stornoway and the mainland.

One protester, MacDuff MacSwegan said, "It's bad enough they come over here six days a week with their strange religious views and awful, awful scent. Did you know that they think if you do anything on a Sunday that Satan will appear and hate hump your missus? Mental. The mainlanders need a day of rest from the Islanders and the ferry company should have observed this important day."



90% of Stornoway's population are employed in hunting down a legendary fish called Henry. Henry is said to have a human face and fins made from the finest silk. Mainlanders fear that increased access to the mainland could see the people of Stornoway leaving the islands traditional industries for modern, mainland jobs.

MacSwegan said, "Right now when they come here they stick out like sore thumbs. But if they can come here 7 days a week then they might be able to integrate. They could buy some G-Star jeans, stop speaking their funny language and fit right in on the mainland. What would you rather do? Spend your whole live dedicated to a mythical being and be reeking of fish or sit in an office watching videos on youtube?"

No Stornoway inhabitants were available to comment as it is Sunday and they are all hiding in their mud huts hoping that breathing doesn't constitute breaking the Sabbath.

Pope Benedict has broken his wrist, the Vatican has confirmed. The statement denied the wrist break is the result of a massive wank and attributed the breakage to a fall.

"The Pope, like most old people, has a body that's shot to shit. He's not good on his feet, he stumbles, he mumbles incoherent nonsense about the world being created in 7 days by a dude who lives in the sky and talks about a guy who came back from the dead despite being royally fucked up. He's basically just an old demented geezer. He fell over. It happens", said the Vatican statement.


Jesus.

The foremost wank expert in the country, Dr Mason, casts doubt on the Vatican statement. "I've studied wank at University for 10 years, actual wank, not English Lit or something... In the course of my research I have seen people, particularly the sex starved, actually wank so hard their bones break."


"Hands up if you fancy Megan Fox..."

"Commonly the only types of people so sex starved to have such a brutal wank are religious loons who have always chosen to avoid sex and fat people who have always chosen extra helpings at dinner. It is my expert opinion that the Pope has suffered what is called a 'wank snap'."

The Pope's wikipedia page has been duly updated and now reads:

Pope Benedict XVI
The Pope used to be a nazi.
The Pope is a catholic.
The Pope is a virgin (but a wanker).

Police broke up a 30th birthday barbeque celebration thinking it was an all night rave. A red faced police officer said, "The event had all the classic rave parphernalia; people, a field, people in the field... umm... a gazebo...er... and burgers."

Andrew Poole was just about to take bite of a undercooked celebratory burger when a police helicopter appeared overhead, a riot van pulled up and 8 police officers wearing body armour appeared telling him to disband the party of 15 people. He said, "It's just a shame we didn't have any bacon to offer them..."

"I tried to explain to them that there clearly wasn't a rave taking place but they were having none of it. One of them said 'I didn't get dressed up like this for nothing' and another told me to shut my mouth as I was about 10 seconds away from making him a youtube celebrity."

One partygoer said, "The only time I thought I was at a rave was when 8 guys dressed as cops in camouflage turned up."

He added, "We were basically looking for an excuse to take the helicopter out for a spin, just to show off to the army boys. Well, the ones that are still alive."

Contact: news@TheTangentNewspaper.co.uk





Latest Stories:
Plan to eradicate national debt foiled after smoker notices being $23 quadrillion worse off.
More troops, please!
US bank celebrates learnign lesson by paying out huge bonuses.

A US smoker found himself $23 quadrillion in debt after buying a packet of cigarettes. The smoker said, "When I saw my statement I thought I must have bought Europe while I was stoned, wherever that is."

"They were a good pack of fags... But even if they were the last pack of fags in the world I'd probably only pay $5-7 trillion for them, nothing like the amount I was charged. I could never afford that. All I have that I can get money for is my trailer home and I can get ten bucks a time pimping my sister, so I can make about $300 a day. Max."

"I called the bank after I noticed the mistake and they took two hours to fix the problem. I spoke to some guy called Kenneth D. Lewis who just kept asking, 'Are you sure you really need all that money back? Can't we keep it for a bit?'".

"In the end I got the full amount back so didn't even have to pay for the fags! That's some mighty fine cashback!"

The Bank of America admitted the mistake. "We'd planned it for a while, to hit somebody with a charge that would clear all our debts, the US national debt and then some for bonuses and such like. Our only mistake was picking someone who would notice that sort of sum going astray. If we'd picked a banker instead of a redneck we might have gotten away with it."



Josh Whitman, a 10 year old school boy said, "I'm gutted. I sell cigarettes for £1 a go in the playground. If packs went up to $23 quadrillion I could charge anything I like. The sky would be the limit. I could get away with charging say... 10 quid a fag... maybe 20? I could have bought a new Scaletrix in no time."

The outgoing head of the British Army has said more troops are needed in Afghanistan. "They're going to need at least 20 new recruits to replace me, I'm like fucking Rambo." He said and then demonstrated this by cauterising a paper cut he received from opening a letter that was sitting on his plush desk.

"The bottom line, and the top line, and the red line for that matter is that we need more boots on the ground. I don't care if the feet in those boots are British, American or Afghan. I don't even care if one foot in a boot is British and one is American. We've got to pool our resources and if that means two soldiers sharing one pair of boots - so be it."

"Heck, I don't care if the boots are from Clarks and are made from poly bags."

"Things are pretty desperate right now. Soldiers are dropping faster than 16 year olds are turning 17. If we can't get some more poor boys signing up and being shipped out we may have to call up Prince Harry."


"OK, I'm not so desperate for action any more..."

Sir Richard Dannatt was speaking after he took a final flight over Afghanistan in an American helicopter. "Let's not make a big deal of that. My reason for taking an American helicopter was not because we don't have one, as reported. We have plenty of helicopters... It's just not sensible for someone as high up in the army as me to get on board a Lego helicopter."



"Anyone who has played Command and Conquer knows that building up resources is a slow, turn based process. There's not a magic code to get some great weapons while your enemies are stuck using slingshots. We're currently only about 8 turns away from having an armoured vehicle that actually has armour on it."

Dannatt was speaking after the bodies of 8 British soldiers were shipped back to Britain, reigniting debate about the army's resources. PM Gordon Brown responded by saying, "The modern British soldier is the best equipped British soldier for 40 years. 40 years ago they were running around with afros, platform boots and huge ghetto blasters. Now they have much more sensible hair, shoes that dissolve in sand and ipods holding huge amounts of music."

US BANK CELEBRATES LEARNING LESSON BY PAYING OUT BONUSES.

The CEO of US bank Goldman Sachs has shown the world's media a solid gold rubik's cube he bought with his most recent bonus and told irate tax payers to appreciate how clever he's been in completing it.


Studies show that 62% of bankers can complete a rubik's cube similar to the one above, if given enough time.

Goldman Sachs were able to stay afloat without a government loan in the last quarter and actually made some money. To reward each other for not fucking up in at least 3 months the board has set aside over $6billion to pay bonuses. Some people have pointed out this is exactly the sort of culture that put the banks in economic difficulty in the first place but financial experts have responded by saying "Shut the fuck up! You don't know what you're talking about.", before popping their heads back into the warm, safe sand.

Ex-RBS mong Sir Fred Goodwin welcomed the news, "Like the US banks I have learned absolutely nothing from this whole shambles. Can I get my old job back and fuck it up again? I could do with a pension top up. You've no idea how much Aston Martins' cost these days."

Terry Davis, a guy with a quiff said, "They're paying out big bonuses again? Already? Oh, fuck I don't even have another job to be made redundant from yet."

However, Brian, a forklift driver, said he could understand the bonuses Goldman Sachs were set to pay. "One time I was driving my forklift pissed out my skull and I drove it into a gas pipe. The factory had to be closed and we lost a lot of money. The next day I turned up sober, only slightly late and didn't hit a gas pipe. I was given an extra digestive biscuit during tea break."

Film star Bill Murray has released a statement to remind fans that they are not watching a bastard offspring of one of his movies. "This is not a poorly written sequal to Groundhog day with less charismatic performers than me involved."

"Unfortunately, this is reality."

Contact: news@TheTangentNewspaper.co.uk




Latest Stories.
Bible: the director's cut.
Home ALone tactics kill Michael Jackson.
Top Gear mystery: is it really Clarkson?

Just when you thought the most boring event of the summer was going to be the release of Transformers 2 along comes a new Director's cut of the Bible.

The thieving bastard countries of Britain, Germany, Egypt and Russia have got together and scanned in their sections of the Codex Sinaiticus, acquired 1,500 years ago when the Sinai monks were distracted for a second by a stereotypical Egyptian dance. The compiled scans will be made available online next year.


"Quick, nab it."

The earliest version of the Bible is expected to reveal some major discrepancies from the modern version. Bible thumping academic, Professor Bart Ehrman said, "This has Jesus treating lepers angrily, pulling off fingers and stuff which is a bit of a contrast to the compassion and toe sucking Jesus offers in the New Testament."

Some famous Jesus moments are missing, notably Jesus does not request forgiveness for his aggressors on the cross instead saying, "Oh father, what a shower of cunts are down here. I'm like a human colander right now." Also missing is Jesus saying "He without sin cast the first stone" to the Pharisees about to stone the adulteress. Instead Jesus says, "They're quite big rocks you lot have collected. I'm not touching this one with a fucking bargepole."

Oh, and Jesus is called Barry throughout.



It has been suggested that mental people who believe in Jesus voodoo will have a tough time reconciling these discrepancies with their beliefs. Professor Ehrman doesn't think this will be the case, "It'll be fine. This is nowhere near as damning as when Darwin explained what all those fossils in the ground meant and shat all over the Adam and Eve story. If the last words in the Bible were 'Work of Fiction' Christians would take that as a test of faith and not evidence that they've wasted their lives believing in sky pixies."

Borders books are hoping that the text will be compiled into a proper traditional book for them to put into their proper traditional coffee shops that have a side line in selling books. A spokesman said, "We'd be excited about stocking this book in our market leading coffee shops. It would fit seamlessly in with our range of crunchy flapjacks and giant chocolate muffins. We'd maybe even make it a book of the week if the publisher paid us enough money. Unless there was a Jodi Picoult or James Patterson out.


Border's flagship store.