FIONA PHILLIPS CONFUSES LABOUR PARTY CONFERENCE FOR SET OF LOOSE WOMEN.

Former TV presenter Fiona Phillips used the Labour Party conference to explain how much she wants to sleep with a series of rather unattractive senior Labour politicians.

Philips took to the podium announcing, 'There's so many hot ass politicians in here today that I'm positively gushing.  I haven't been this horny since Michael Buble was on the GMTV sofa."

Beware aspiring politicians: this is as good as the groupies get.

"Take Alan Johnson for example, how hot is that man?  He's 6 foot 2, classically handsome like a Greek statue... but even better, he has arms... He comes in a room and lights it up with his wit and charisma... and I bet he's hung like a mule and can go like the clappers.  Phwoar should be Alan Johnson's middle name - I love him."

Philips then addressed non existent allegations that Johnson is a robot by stating, "Alan is real.  He's a real person who understands real people.  Really."

Noticing Jack Straw, who sat next to Johnson, was looking increasingly uncomfortable, Philips turned her attention to him, "Aw Jack, some people may think you're an old timer... but after a speech like you made earlier... you can show me a good old time any day."

Philips then went through each senior male member of the Labour party declaring whether she 'would' or 'wouldn't' them, finishing with Gordon Brown, "Of course I would... but I'd need a few beforehand."

TV critic Chas Albert defended the wisdom of having a woman who can barely  competently present a TV show speaking for a political party who are desperate to convince people they can run a country competently.  "It was a confidence boost for Labour.  Let's put it this way.  There'll be a lot of Labour politicians walking around thinking they're God's gift today instead of thinking they're old, fat, boring, slimy and are going to be out a job next year.

Contact: news@TheTangentNewspaper.co.uk

Nick Clegg gives us all a good laugh.

PM reduces Britain's chance of nuclear submarine. 

NICK CLEGG GIVES US ALL A GOOD LAUGH.

The leader of the Liberal Democrats (who are apparently a political party active in the UK) has left the whole country in stitches after saying he 'aims to be Prime Minister'.  The remark resulted in thousands of elderly people reporting they had actually pissed themselves laughing, most of whom don't even piss themselves that often.


"Remind me... did I say something stupid while drunk?"

Clegg hopes to be the best looking Prime Minister since the last one who wasn't a gazillion years old and told a Lib Dem conference held in the back of a transit van, "I want to be Prime Minister because I've spent half my lifetime imaging a better society and the best society that I'm capable of imagining has me in charge, oddly enough."

Liberal Democrat luminaries and former party leaders such as the old one, the alky one and the one who boned his secretary rewarded Clegg's silly statement with a standing ovation while successfully stifling grins.  This led to some onlookers suggesting the Lib Dems are humourless robots, others have suggested they are merely politicians.

Caleb Chauncey, a political analyst, pointed out the logistical problems in Clegg becoming PM, "Either he'd need to make people give two fucks about whatever it is the Lib Dems stand for or he'd have to move to one of the real political parties.  If he does the latter then he'll only be taken in as a shoe shine boy and have to work his way up the party ladder, like Michael Martin did."

Careers advisor, Jarvis Lawrie, who has 40 years of dashing the ambitious dreams of enthusiastic but unrealistic people said, "I've seen 'em all in my time, school boys thinking they can be footballers, school girls thinking they can be Jordan.... Young Clegg is just like them.  I'd let him down gently, saying that most people are just too average to achieve the things they want.  As an alternative, not to dent the boys confidence, I'd ask him if he's considered a career in one of the local supermarkets, pointing out that if he knuckles down he could be a shift supervisor one day."

BNP leader Nick Griffin also had a chuckle at Clegg's statement saying, "I've probably got more chance of running this country and I was a member of the National Front.  Let me clear that up, I was a member of a white's only political group.  You can say, 'Nick Griffin was a member of a political party that would only let white people join' all you like and I can't do anything about it.  It's a fact and no amount of saying it makes it libel.  If you call me queer though, I'll go through you like a ton of bricks..."

Contact: news@TheTangentNewspaper.co.uk

PM reduces Britain's chance sof nuclear superhero. 

Attorney General suddenly opposed illegal immigrant camp closure.

PM REDUCES BRITAIN'S CHANCES OF NUCLEAR SUPERHERO.

Gordon Brown is set to tell the United Nations that he will reduce the number of nuclear submarines in the British fleet, cutting the UK's chance for a home grown nuclear superhero.

Jog on, nuclear Justin Lee Collins.

A leaked memo from the PM's office said, "I grew up with the superhero legends and believed, as many a man of my generation does, that nuclear accidents can lead to some really cool powers.  However, studies into nuclear and atomic radiation have so far revealed that, generally, an excessive amount of exposure leads to cancer and death and not the strength of ten men and laser beam eyes."

"Nowadays, with Health and Safety laws and such, the possibility of a nuclear accident furnishing an average man with superpowers is increasingly unlikely.  With this in mind and in these difficult times, I have had to make the difficult decision to reduce our fleet of Trident nuclear submarines."

"I still fully support the Nuclear Accident Superhero Programme and hope that even with a reduced fleet of operating submarines Britain will be lucky enough to have a catastrophic incident on-board one of Her Tridents that will give us a blue superhero man who refuses to wear any pants."

Dear God, no...

The opposition party were quick to attack Brown's proposals, the Shadow Defence Secretary said, "Locking up our most potent deterrent to attack is not a good idea.  Loads of countries really don't like us... countries of foreigners... we need all the badass weapons we can get sailing around."

"It's also a great shame that Mr Brown isn't commited enough to the idea of the 'all British nuclear superhero' to keep funding the programme.  We accept times are tough but pulling billions out of defence to piddle away in state schools and hospitals and such like is an easy option. What the people really want to see is a freak in tight shorts beating up China and Mr Brown has let everyone down on that front, with the possible exception of the Chinese."

Contact: news@TheTangentNewspaper.co.uk

Attorney general changes tune on migration. 

John Leslie takes the phone off the hook.

ATTORNEY GENERAL SUDDENLY OPPOSES CAMP CALAIS CLOSURE.

Baroness Scotland has decided closing the infamous immigrant camp in Calais 'might not be such a good idea, after all'.  The former Home Office minister who helped legislate on employing immigrants has had a change of heart after it emerged she has employed an illegal immigrant 'bog cleaner' in one of her households.

"With the closure of Camp Calais there'll be nowhere left to hide for Brits employing illegal immigrants.  I might not get away with it quite so easily next time."


The Baroness is said to have enjoyed spectacularly clean toilets during the illegal immigrants employment.

PM Gordon Brown has stated that the Baroness can continue as a minister.  Brown said, "I, like the UK Borders Agency, totally believe that Baroness Scotland looked at the immigrants papers and just forgot to photocopy them, being a busy Baroness and all.  So while she has technically committed a crime, I think she  can definitely be seen to have acted within the spirit of not committing a crime."

The UK Borders Agency heard how the Baroness had reviewed the immigrants papers but forgot to photocopy them because the immigrant started doing a comical national dance involving lathering mud and pigs faeces into his hair.  "I was in stitches," she said, " I haven't seen such a pathetic, dumb display by an uneducated poor person since I saw all those people on TV celebrating Labour's 1997 election victory."

The UK Borders Agency in its ruling said, "We are satisfied Baroness Scotland fully intended to make copies of the immigrants false papers but was hoodwinked by his comic ethnic dance.  We shall fine the good Baroness £5,000."

"As for the tricksy immigrant we rule for deportation to the homeland by the most uncomfortable means possible.  Luckily this won't be at too much expense to the tax payer as Ryanair do flights there."

Contact: news@TheTangentNewspaper.co.uk

John Leslie takes phone off hook. 

Brown says 'c' word for first time.

Coronation Streets plots to be improved by being about Pepsi.

TV playboy John Leslie has left his phone off the hook and closed all his curtains after showbiz skank Katie Price AKA Jordan AKA bird with novelty knockers made rape allegations against an unnamed Scottish celebrity.

Leslie faced a spate of rape allegations after Ulrika Jonsson claimed 'John Leslie was so rough on me that he made Stan Collymore look like a gentlemen'.  Leslie maintained his innocence claiming that he always shouted 'surprise sex' just before the point of penetration and was eventually cleared of all allegations with Judge Eadie Clark Smyth saying 'there is just not enough credibility to Mrs Jonsson's claim that sexual intercourse was against her will.  She has blonde hair.'

A spokesman for Leslie said, "Christ Almighty, not this again.  John has locked himself in his house with enough tinned produce to last him through to 2052 and has no comment to make beyond PISS OFF!"

In the public's view Leslie is guilty.  A recent poll suggested that 97% of people thought Leslie was responsible for every rape since 1963.  Pensioner Gladys Robinson said, "I don't care what any court said.  He's too suave for his own good.  I think he did it.  And so does the women who lives upstairs from me, Mrs Tierney.  He has very rapey eyes, doesn't he?"

A special edition Wheel of Fortune is to be screened featuring Jordan's ex's Dwayne Bowyers, Dwight Yorke and Peter Andre spinning the wheel trying to solve the puzzle of who the alleged rapist is.  Price said "There's not much of me miserable life that hasn't been broadcast on TV, so why not this too?  Then I'll take a couple of years off and make my televised comeback in Kathleen Price: surviving the menopause."

"The Conservatives have already said that they would be cunts if they win the next election.  We have to face the tough truth about the hard choices and accept that a Labour Government would have to be cunts too but I promise that the Labour Government would be less cuntish than a Conservative Government."

Brown said that he wouldn't be a cunt to front line public sector services but would focus on the enormous amounts of outdated, inefficient, self-serving public sector services. instead  He also promised to make cuts in unnecessary programmes.

"Some people may ask, why is there such a thing as unecessary public sector programmes in the first place.  And to those people, I would hope they would accept that how do we know a public dog walking programme or a tomato planting basics outreach programme are unecescary until we try them?  I don't apologise for supporting these schemes with tax payer cash because without the socialist intentions behind them we wouldn't have great public sectors such as the NHS."

"Incidentally, I have decided methadone programmes are unnecessary so you may want to upgrade your Yale lock."

Brown delivered his wavering speech on how to fix a broken economy that was under his charge for 10 years to a largely unimpressed audience of Union representatives, some of whom were holding placards saying, 'PLEASE DON'T DERAIL THE GRAVY TRAIN'.


The audience were somewhat surprised when the PM stopped talking about the economy for 5 minutes to focus on how much he loves massive breasts.  Others  have said the segment was the most sense he's made in ages.

Contact: news@TheTangentNewspaper.co.uk

TV viewers rejoiced last night after it was revealed a ban on product placement is to be lifted next week. Viewers are hoping that commercial TV will abandon story lines about some slag shagging some other slag's mechanic husband and explore more interesting plots such as what flavour of Pot Noodle characters prefer.

ITV said, "YES. Oh YES. Thank the Lord! We expect this to generate £100 million a year as advertisers queue up to make TV a 24/7 advertisement. Can you imagine, for example, just how much money Ambre Solaire or St. Tropez would pay to have Simon Cowell smear their product into his plastic face live on X-factor?"

"We can start doing what people have thought we've been doing for years and sack script writers. The advertisers will be able to provide more realistic stories about taking the family out for a Happy Meal at the weekend or saving up to buy the latest ipod."

Gillian Brady, a long term couch potato said, "I love watching TV. It beats talking and doing stuff hands down. As of next week I won't have to think about all those difficult questions in life, like what to put in the microwave for the kids dinner. All my favourite shows will tell me whether they should have Finders Crispy Pancakes or McCain Microchips for their tea.

"Hopefully the stars of my favourite shows will also be able to tell me what supermarket I can order it from online and which internet service provider I should use."

TV critic Zak Stanley said, "I don't really care either way. I'd be amazed if it were actually possible to make TV any worse. Have you seen World's Wildest Bicycle Related Collisions or Ducks do the Funniest Things?"

"I take that back, Ducks do the Funniest Things is quite good."

The nation's bankers have expressed anger after the report into the collapse of MG/Rover revealed that 5 executives took 42 million in pay and bonuses from the collapsing firm.

A spokesman for the bankers said, "It's disgusting. Who did those executives think they were, taking such A huge personal financial benefit from a failing company? That sort of behaviour is reserved for the banking industry. It's the whole reason twisted little children tell their parents, 'when I grow up I want to be a banker.'"

"The Union of Bankers will not tolerate this. We're going to fuck things up all kinds of different now."

The Rover executives have defended their huge payouts. One said, "It's not because we took all that money that the company failed, it's because the Government didn't off set us taking all that money by bailing the company out."

"We were only after for a little bit of tax payer shafting, just to put the tip in and wiggle it about for a bit, really. We promised not to go deeper. Whereas the banks ended up banging away like a 17 year old boy on his first girlfriend. Compared to Sir Fred Goodwin I'm a very poor man."

Rover owner, Dudley Pearce, commented, "The bankers might feel a little hard done by right now but nowhere near as much as anyone who owns a fucking Rover does."

Prime Minister, Gordon Brown, was said to be resting last night after his latest u-turn left him so dizzy he threw up over his shoes.

Brown has said he backs any compensation claim brought against Libya by the families of IRA victims, after it emerged he sent a letter to a family member of a victim saying, "The UK government won't support any compensation claim brought against Libya because Libya has lots of lovely stuff that we want, such as oil and a strong leader. Ha."

The PM defended his latest u-turn yesterday saying, "I have always been a man who lives and dies by his decisions. I plot a course of action and see it through to the end. I'm also a man who's big enough to completely flip flop and change my course of action. Are those two statements consistent with each other? Of course they're not! And that's the sort of consistency we need to see more of! Or less of. I've not decided yet."

Professor of Politics, Clint Derby, explained a possible motive behind Brown's u-turn, "I suspect Brown sat and looked at what he'd said and realised that even George Bush supported victims families in seeking compensation from Libya, and he was hardly Jesus Fucking Christ, was he?"

The PM is expected to make a full recovery soon and have u-turned on whatever he has said or done throughout the coming week by Friday.

Jack Straw has confirmed what nearly everyone already knew by admitting the government would release everyone in jail if Libya would let Britain have some oil in exchange.

Mr Straw said, "Libya were in the international cold, what with its endless efforts to blow stuff up. We wanted to bring them in from the cold. Well, BP did and you don't say no to someone like BP. We're only the Government 'fer Christ's sake."

Asked about the timing of his revelation Mr Straw said, "I was holding fire until I heard what Gordon said. There's little game myself and the rest of the cabinet play called 'Completely contradict whatever Gordon says'. So I had to wait until he eventually got around to saying there had been no trade deal in exchange for a certain prisoner. Look at how much of a silly fibbing oaf he looks like now. It's a great game!"

"It's the perfect conclusion to this whole affair. There were lies to get Megrahi here in the first place and pin the Lockerbie bombing on him and lies to get him out and home. Quite beautiful really."

"I've been a politician for so long I've became a compulsive liar. I lie about everything, just for the sake of it. We all do. If you asked me what I had for breakfast I'd lie right in your face for no reason. I had Muesli, by the by. And eels. With a Tarragon dip."

"You want someone to blame for this sorry state of affairs? Go look in the mirror, chump. You are the democratic process. And what are you going to do about it? All you get is the choice to decide if we're any less reprehensible than the alternative lying shower of shites. And they all went to slightly posher schools than us."

"Funny thing is, everything I've just said could be a lie and you wouldn't know any better. Bit of a mind fuck, eh? Woo-hooo-ooo."

Contact: news@TheTangentNewspaper.co.uk





Abramovich to buy Newcastle United.
Tory MP has been watching too much of 'The Wire'.
Jackson coroner report suggests night out with Kerry Katona.

As Chelsea were banned from making transfers until 2011, owner Roman Abramovich announced his intention to buy Newcastle United, sign all of Chelsea's players, relocate the club to Stamford Bridge and start calling it Chelsea.

A hired slave for the Russian oligarch said, "Mr Abramovich will not be deterred by the ban on Chelsea. His dream is win the big cup that all the world famous teams have won and he understands that all this takes is to have more money than the other teams. Therefore he has decided to buy a faltering lower league club that has enough idiot fans to not question his motives and no one else in their right mind would be interested in buying."

"Newcastle United is the perfect choice."

Chelsea were banned from making transfers after details emerged of them inducing young players to breach contracts with clubs and sign for Chelsea so that Chelsea wouldn't have to pay £50,000,000,000 for them in the future. Jean-Pierre Charlot, a 3 year old French boy was poached away from his parents with promises of 'a scaletric' and 'not having to grow up in France', the Court of Arbitration for Sport heard.

The news has been greeted positively by Newcastle fans. Leonard Osborne, an unemployed builder and lifelong Newcastle supporter said, "Why aye, he's a right proper messiah that Abramovich, just like Shearer, Keegan and Joey Barton was... When he comes along I'm sure we'll have the glory days of old back, when we occasionally won the FA Cup. We might even become better than Sunderland."