QUESTION TIME 'REALLY DULL' WITHOUT THE RACIST CLOWN, SAY MILLIONS.

Millions of people who tuned into Question Time last week to see Griffo the Racist Clown were disappointed this week when confronted with a really boring panel of guest who wanted to talk about non racist public policy.

Griffo the Racist Clown dazzled viewers last week with his stupid antics, insisting that anyone in the country who is less than 70,000 years old should be shot out a canon into space.  He highlighted his point by making an exploding canon noise.  Whenever the other panellists attempted to talk about a relevant political issue affecting people Griffo would interject by firing water at them through a poppy

Last night's panel consisted of a couple of expense fiddlers and a fat dancing bloke (not from Take That) but no Holocaust Deniers.

Damon Palmer, 42, said, "I really enjoyed that Question Time show last week. Griffo was the funniest idiot I've seen on TV since Richard Madeley did his Ali G impression while his missus' tit was out.  Ah, how I laughed.  But last night I watched 15 minutes of Question Time and was bored out my box so I flicked over to a Ross Kemp documentary, or a Ross-umentary as I like to call them, before watching the midnight 10 minute porn preview."

Griffo is suddenly in demand after last week's performance and the BBC have suggested they may invite him back to perform at future editions of Question Time while ITV are said to be in talks to bring Griffo on Thin Ice to the network.

Questions Time host Dimble Dave Umpleby apologised to viewers for the  latest broadcast saying "I am aware that having a panellist who used their job to steal lots and lots of your money is nowhere near as entertaining as having a loon or two on but join us for Question Time next week when the panel will consist of a cannibal, a Tourette's sufferer and a set of conjoined twins.  I'll be dressed up as the Mad Hatter and telling you all to jolly well piss off." 

Contact: news@TheTangentNewspaper.co.uk

Gordon Brown tries on old gimp suit.

Liverpool to sign beach ball.  

Brown sends floating voters to Afghanistan.

posted by The Ed at 12:58 AM

GORDON BROWN TRIES ON OLD GIMP SUIT.

 

Gordon Brown has rummaged through his wardrobe to find the gimp suit he wore for 10 years and donned the garment in support of his old master Tony Blair's proposed Presidency of the EU Council.

The move was announced at a press conference where Mr Brown was poised on all fours before a seated Tony Blair who rested his feet on the Prime Minister's back.

Tony Blair said, "It's ever so smashing to have the support of all my old muckers as I try and become President of the EU, Master of the Universe and Dominatrix to all."

"Who else would I have had as chief gimp?  It had to be Gordon.  It's important to have a strong, firm politician to rest your feet on. It's amazing how quickly we've all fitted into our old roles.  Gordon glided into the tight black leather body suit so comfortably that it was as if he'd never been out of it."

"It was such an emotional moment I just had to lash him while he cleaned my floor with his tongue."

Mr Blair responded to criticism that someone who takes a country to an illegal war on the basis of lies should be tried for war crimes instead of seeking political pastures new.

"History has shown that maybe Iraq didn't really have the flying killer piranhas pointed at every UK citizen that I suggested they did have.  My bad.  That's all in the past now though, eh?.  As President of the EU I'd look to be a good guy who busts out some kicking riffs now and again.  Anyone up for a bit of Stairway?  I've been practising it lots lately and can just about play it..."

 

Mr Brown had his ball gag removed briefly to have his say, "All hail Master Tony!  There will be no control words this time around.  The messiah is back!  Hooray!  He's even promised me job of EU President once he's had enough of it..."

Contact: news@TheTangentNewspaper.co.uk

Liverpool to sign beach ball.

Brown sends floating voters to Afghanistan.

People with ears worry about re-release of Boyszone songs.

posted by The Ed at 8:19 AM

LIVERPOOL TO SIGN BEACH BALL.

Mid table side Liverpool are set to sign an inflated beach ball in January as cover for Fernando Torres after the beach ball impressed manager Rafa Benitez in this weekend's Liverpool vs Sunderland fixture.

The beach ball took up a predatory position in Liverpool's box and instinctively got on the end of someone else's shot, deflecting the ball into the Liverpool net and scoring the winner for Sunderland.  For many Liverpool fans the goal recalled images of a young Michael Owen, although the beach ball looks a lot more rugged and spent less time on the ground.

Benitez said, "I wash impreshed with ze beach balls contribution.  A beach ball with the short of qualities we shaw today is worth around 20 to 30 million in todayz market and we would look to bring the beach ball to Anfield in the January transfer window to help us push for a Europa League placshe.  Some people will shay thish is a lot of money, but thatsh the price of qual-it-ee.  Plush, the beach ball already has hish own Liverpool F-Shee kit so shaves us 40 poundsh straight off."

Liverpool fans have been surprisingly supportive of the move.  Crispin Scott said, "We've been linked with a move for Emile Heskey.  I think it was John Motson who coined the football phrase 'can't score in a barrel full of fanny' and that applies to Heskey.  The beach ball would score more goals than him over a season.  Defo.  So yeah - nice one Rafa.  The magician does it again."

Brian Connor said, "No one's getting carried away saying the beach ball would be a better proposition than Kuyt or Babel but it's obvious, even at this early stage, that the beach ball is better than David Ngog."

Manchester United fan, Morris Sullivan, said of the freak goal that sent Liverpool to their 4th defeat in 9 Premiership games.  "Ah ha ha ha ha ha ha.  Title challengers?  Ah ha ha ha ha."

Contact: news@TheTangentNewspaper.co.uk

Brown sends floating voters to Afghanistan. 

People with ears worry about re-release of Boyzone songs.

Government look for old junk to ebay.

posted by The Ed at 2:03 PM

BROWN SENDS FLOATING VOTERS TO AFGHANISTAN.

PM Gordon Brown plans to send 500 extra forces to Afghanistan - but only if key conditions are met.  The key conditions are that they must be registered to vote but undecided as to what party they will vote for and have absolutely no military experience.

"Before I commit to sending these floating voters to Afghanistan I want to make sure they are equipped with the cheapest equipment money can buy, receive no training and be exposed to a highly determined and well equipped guerilla enemy.  If our boys could be blindfolded then that would be a bonus."

"You chaps decided who you're voting for yet?  I'd advise you to think very carefully about your answer..."

Brown defended Britain's continued presence in Afghanistan saying, "When the safety of our seats is at stake the Labour Government will not, cannot walk away.  This is the right strategy and hopefully we can commit more floating voters to Afghanistan in the future and maybe when they're all blown up we can find some Tory troops to sent out to the shit storm... erm I mean conflict zone."

Opposition leaders backed the platitudes Brown uttered about dead soldiers from the stupid war he's overseen but criticised aspects of Brown's plan.  David Cameron suggested it might be better to send a smaller number of well equipped soldiers instead of a large number of soldiers with Bench t-shirts for armour.  Brown dismissed the claims pointing out that the floating voters could use the "expired bodies of erstwhile comrades as a shield from bullets".

Nick Clegg, being allowed to speak by the bigger boys, said something about focusing on political reconciliation in the region and maybe getting Sting on board to sing some sort of song regarding the matter.  Brown had even less time for Clegg's suggestions saying, "I don't know what you've got to worry about - it's not as if any of these floating voters would vote for your lot any way.  It's not 2005 any more."

Contact: news@TheTangentNewspaper.co.uk

People with ears worry about re-release of Boyzone songs. 

Government looks for old junk to ebay.  

Microsoft confirm Hotmail is cack.

posted by The Ed at 6:16 PM

PEOPLE WITH EARS WORRY ABOUT RE-RELEASE OF BOYZONE SONGS.

People with ears have raised concerns that there may be a horrible rash release of stale old Boyzone croons, after the death of singing man, Stephen Gately.  While many poignant tributes and condolences such as, ''that's quite sad when a young person dies, that is" and, "his family are probably really upset at the news" have been paid to 33 year old Gately, there has been a consistent and hectoring stream of voices saying, "God no - please don't let there be any Boyzone songs released."

This is what music looked like circa 1995.

Boyzone sold a ridiculous amount of records during the 90s, a period of music that was noted for truly awful bands like Boyzone selling a ridiculous amount of records.  The Irish boy band sold more records than Take That with a cunning plan of "copying everything Take That did and plodding on longer than them", according to music journalist Frank Leyton.

The band split up in 2000 releasing a statement saying, "We knew this day would come eventually - the day when there's no more shit in the barrel to scrape."  They then reformed briefly in 2007  as more songs had been written for them to cover and Take That had again led the way by showing that a come back tour could be highly lucrative as the group's fan base of tone deaf 14 year old females had matured into tone deaf 20 something year old females, with greater disposable income.

Frank said, "The sort of shady, music killing, money grubbing cunts who formed bands like Boyzone back in the 90s would think absolutely nothing of cashing in on the death of a member by churning out a single or two."

Louis Walsh has cancelled his appearance on this week's X Factory, after being "deeply upset by the news of Gately's death".

Contact: news@TheTangentNewspaper.co.uk

Government look for old junk to ebay. 

Microsoft confirm hotmail is 'utterly cack'. 

Broadcasters demand Sarah Palin.

posted by The Ed at 4:19 PM

GOVERNMENT LOOK FOR OLD JUNK TO EBAY.

The PM has had a busy weekend rummaging around the county's attic for old junk it no longer uses that might be worth a few bob at auction.  The idea came to Gordon Brown after watching an episode of the BBCs Cash in the Attic.

Brown said, "I watched this one show where a family of four were able to go to Bulgaira on holiday just by selling loads of old Prinecess Diana memorabelia.  As the show says, you never know what hidden treasures you could be sitting on, so we've had a search and think we've got a good collection of items to sell that will reduce our budget deficit."

"Ideally we would like to have enough cash spare to build a conservatory too."

Up for sale is a bookmakers, bakers (probably) and candlestick makers (probably) as well as a bridge and Tony Benn.  "We've had a lot of interest in the bridge already from some displaced trolls looking to get on the trolling ladder." Brown said.

Economist Daly Stirling has criticised the proposals saying "Selling off tangible assets in a depressed market is about as thick as selling off gold when the world price is low.  And anyone with half a brain wouldn't make that mistake, would they?"

Brian Lewis from Preston, "This is all very well but now they're back from the summer break they get like they're bloody teachers or something I would prefer to know when the fuck they're going to start paying back all that money they fiddled from us with their expenses claims."

Contact: news@TheTangentNewspaper.co.uk

Microsoft confirm Hotmail is utterly cack. 

Broadcasters demand Sarah Palin.  

Fiona Phillips confuses Labour Party conference with set of Loose Women.

posted by The Ed at 8:34 AM

MICROSOFT CONFIRM HOTMAIL IS 'UTTERLY CACK'.

Microsoft has taken the unusual step (unless you're Microsoft) of admitting one of its flagship products is 'really not very good at all'.  The software giant said, "Sure Hotmail is a nonsense but what are you going to do about it?  Start writing letters to each other instead?  I'd like to see you try, lol." 

"Vista was shit, Internet Explorer is shit and now we've been forced to admit Hotmail is shit.  So what?  There are products out there competing for Microsoft's business, we know because that's where we get our ideas from.  But we also know that people who use our shitty search engine, Bing, will never find them."

 
Any excuse to use this picture.

The largest web-based email service has been compromised in a phising attack leaving around 10,000 users email address and passwords in the hands of nice people posing as Nigerian businessmen.  Microsoft said, "We've never not said Hotmail isn't as secure as a plasticine house.  We offer Hotmail users a lot more than security, with MSN we provide the opportunity to find out when one of your mates has done a really massive turd, or for the girls, who has a really heavy flow this month.  What other email provider gives you that sort of service?"

"We also offer our clients fantastic daily promotional offers via the junk mail section and put all the buttons for things you'd actually use in really awkward places so that our users experience a great feeling of achievement when they are able to successfully print off an email."

Jacob Colbert, an IT expert said that people only need be worried if they use the same password for every website, "I mean who would honestly be stupid enough to use the same password for on-line banking as they do for their email service?  Oh wait, this is Hotmail users, isn't it?..." He then made the sound of a bomb falling from a great height before  making a long and loud rumbling noise and shaking the table violently.

Contact: news@TheTangentNewspaper.co.uk

Broadcasters demand Sarah Palin.

Fiona Phillips confuses Labour Party Conference for set of Loose Women.

Nick Clegg gives us all a good laugh.

posted by The Ed at 8:19 AM

BROADCASTERS DEMAND SARAH PALIN.

The BBC, BskyB and ITV have released a joint statement urging the main UK political parties (and the Lib Dems) to endorse a concept seen in American politics, and have a televised Sarah Palin.

The statement read, "British political debate would be enhanced by following the lead from our American friends.  They have amazingly scripted TV debates over there, dodgy election results, multiple Bush Administrations and Sarah Palin.  In short, it's a lot more entertaining than what we've got.  We don't settle for Crossroads when Lost is available, do we?  So why do we settle for stale politics with wobbly sets and bad acting?"

"We've came so far, what with Tony Blair, M People songs and Boris the Clown but we need to push on.  Sarah Palin is the perfect embodiment of style triumphing over substance in politics and we have politely informed Gordon Brown, David Cameron and Nick Clegg that they are all extremely boring; a tremendousness turn off for TV viewers, and have urged them to enrol the services of Governor Palin to spice up the whole thing."

David Cameron and Nick Clegg were quick to express their willingness to be involved.  Cameron said, "She's a bit of 'all right', isn't she?  Top tottie indeed." with Clegg saying, "You wouldn't kick her out of bed for farting on biscuits.  That's for sure."

Characteristically Gordon Brown dragged his heels over a decision before finally saying, "Oh, ok then.  If everyone thinks it's something I should do I'll do it.  Personally, I think Sarah Brown is a better option than Sarah Palin.  She says I make great cup of tea and a wife saying nice things about her husband should be all the proof voters need."

"But if the people want Sarah Palin, they will get Sarah Palin.  She's a nice bit of window dressing, I suppose."

Contact: news@TheTangentNewspaper.co.uk

Fiona Philips confuses Labour party conference for set of Loose Women.

Nick Clegg gives us all a good laugh. 

PM reduces Britain's chance of nuclear superhero.

posted by The Ed at 3:39 PM