BANKS CELEBRATE ROYALLY FUCKING YOU OVER, AGAIN.

The Supreme Court has told anyone who has ever had a £40 bank fee to 'go and sing for their money back.'  In a landmark ruling the court upheld the appeal from a group of banks hoping to avoid paying back all the customers they've ever shafted.

Lord Philips said, "After careful consideration and taking delivery of several plasma TV screens from the banks it is this court's ruling that people who feel they have been excessively charged by banks for entering their overdraft can go take a long walk off a short peer.  Or as we say in Latin, drownus maximus."

The British Banking Association, who represented the banks, welcomed the ruling after a round of hi-fives and fist pumping directed to the public gallery.  "We understand that charging people so much for a screw up has been an issue for many of our victims, um I mean customers so are pleased to have the law clarified for all parties.  Especially because the clarification suits us.  I'm sorry, I just can't stop smiling.  Can you give me a second?  Hahahahahahahah.  There, I'm alright now."

 

"With this clarification we aim to swiftly sort out all the refund requests that are currently on hold.  As I speak there is someone hastily working on a 'Dear John, fuck you' letter.  We would also like to re-iterate that individuals can avoid charges by making proper overdraft arrangements in the first place.  All charges are clearly detailed in the section of the Terms and Conditions that is titled DON'T READ THIS BIT OR PUPPIES WILL DIE.  Alternatively, if you want to avoid charges why don't you just carry all your money around in a tin pot tied around your neck?"

Asked about the case at PM's questions Gordon Brown tried to spin the verdict saying he hoped it would boost consumer confidence in the banking system, "For consumers to have faith in the banking system they need to believe that the banks can abuse them in all manner of ruthless and monstrous ways."

Campaigner, Mark Gander said, "If I screw up on a direct debit I pay a hefty penalty.  If banks screw up the economy I... urm, pay the penalty.  I don't even care anymore.  As the average tax payer owns more of the banks than they're ever likely to have incurred in bank charges I'd end up paying myself back the fees anyway.  'Hello Mr Gander can we bother you for a bail out?  Um, do I get a choice?  No.  Um.  Ok then.  Now Mr Gander, here is all the money you paid in bank fees back.  Sorry about that.  Isn't this the money I just gave you?  Shut up'." 

"It's a situation that makes thinking about the complexities of life, time, God and the universe seem like something Wayne Rooney could succinctly explain in a sentence.  All I know now is somebody, somewhere needs a good kick to the stones."

Contact: news@TheTangentNewspaper.co.uk

Man in charge of whitewash promises whitewash won't be a whitewash.

X Factory fans divided about who to bully next.

Queen's speech outlines laws for fantasy world.

posted by The Ed at 3:54 PM

WHITEWASH WON'T BE A WHITEWASH, SAYS MAN IN CHARGE OF WHITEWASH.

Sir John Chilcot, the man in charge of the inquiry examining events surrounding the Iraq war has promised the report won't be a whitewash even though he was selected and is being paid by the warmongering bastards who warned that Iraq could 'nuke your granny into next week quicker than you could say education, education, education.'

Chilcot, a carer civil servant believes he is the man with enough backbone to report without bias and he doesn't mince his words saying he will deliver 'a full and insightful report'.  The tough talking desk warrior's report will not be published before the general election, however.

The inquiry is set to be published close to the end of next year in the hope that the press hype surrounding whoever wins 2010's X Factory will detract from the report.  Chilcot has stated no interim details will be released before the general election because 'they would make the Labour Party look really really bad."

"People with normal jobs not in the civil service seem to struggle to understand the delay in getting something like this done." said Chilcot, "But I can assure you I am actively drafting letters that will be checked by a team of subordinates, edited and checked again before being sent to an office in Whitehall to be enveloped and addressed, from where they will be outsourced to a specialised office in Wolverhampton for franking and double checking of the addresses, a process which will take less than 3 weeks and then they will be sent urgently by second class post to the apporpriate MPs."

"MPs then have 3 months in which to reply because they are very busy people.  They have mortgages to flip and luxury goods to claim on expenses.  While this inquiry is important you can't allow it to intefere with an MPs right to be a thieving cunt."

"I've even asked Tony Blair if he'd be awfully kind to come in and see me at some stage for a quick chat.  He says he needs some time to 'get his story straight but will turn up for integrity's sake, at some point'.  If this inquiry was going to be a whitewash we wouldn't bother asking such a charismatic and fully booked public speaker to take time off to come see us, would we?"

John Lehn, 37, a long term fan of whitewashes says he can't wait for the final whitewashing report to be available to get frustrated about.  "Oh, I'm a huge fan of whitewashes.  My favourite ones so far have been the David Kelly one and John Charles de Menezes.  They tease you into thinking there'll be some sort of justice then BAM!  It's full of cop-outs, flimsy logic and confidential information with big black pen through it.  Then it emerges how much the whitewash cost to produce and it leaves you feeling like you want to drag your face down a rough cast wall.  Brilliant stuff."

Contact: news@TheTangentNewspaper.co.uk

X Factory fans divided about who to bully next. 

Queen's speech to outline laws for fantasy world. 

Information Commissioner advises calling T-Mobile staff and threatening them.

posted by The Ed at 11:06 AM

X FACTORY FANS DIVIDED ABOUT WHO TO BULLY NEXT.

 

Fans of X Factory finally got their wish after a pair of useless singing twins were voted off a show for useless singing people.  The pair had been so maligned by X Factory fans and the press that they had started to gain popularity over the past weeks, applying the well known "Goody Effect" of reality TV shows.

John and Edward Grimes left the show after Simon Cowell had decided he'd let the lucrative joke go on long enough stating, "I just don't have any more room for swimming pools.  I'd have to learn to walk like Jesus if I let this go on and while I could do that, I don't want to. Guys, it's over."

The duo had been named Jedward by a lazy as fuck tabloid press, a standard pop culture abbreviation form borrowed from busy doctors who sometimes refer to medical conditions such as lung cancer and Alzheimer's disease as Luca and Aldi's 'cos it sounds cooler.

Reality TV show expert Norman Keppler said, "When I heard Jedward had been voted off I was so excited I almost jumped off my chair and pumped a fist into the air.  But then I remembered I'm 24 stone and such an act would require either a Herculean effort or watching less TV and doing regular exercise."

Maureen Stow (42) an extremely bored housewife from Doncaster said, "At first I hated them, like everyone else.  But then people started liking them out of irony, sort of like Bon Jovi, and I got confused, so I started liking them.  But I'd already sent them a letter calling them 'useless cunts' and threatened to cut them from ear to ear if they won and liking them just didn't seem right.  I didn't want them to leave though, I've spent the last week shitting into a bucket so I can throw it at their house.  It seems such a waste.  Do you want it?"

Hugh Gladfelter said, "I love bullying 18 year old kids, saying they can't sing for toffee and slagging their hair cuts.  Since the local college got that restraining order on me I've been relying on X Factory to give me that outlet.  I know I should move on, bully someone else and get over it.  But I invested a lot of time slandering those kids, time I won't get back.  My life feels empty.  I suppose eventually I can learn to bully again, but right now I just feel numb.

The twin's singing even led Gordon Brown to comment on them being "not very good" but Government officials later confirmed the PM thought the question had been, "How would you describe your running of the country?"

Bookies favourites to be bullied next is Stacy Solomon as she's, "the only one who doesn't look like she belongs in a second rate 90s boy band."

Contact: news@TheTangentNewspaper.co.uk

Queen's speech outlines laws for fantasy world. 

Information Commissioner advices calling T-Mobile and 'threatening them some'.
Government closes stable door after horses bolt.

posted by The Ed at 10:34 PM

QUEEN'S SPEECH TO OUTLINE LAWS FOR FANTASY WORLD.

The Queen is expected to deliver a speech on how Gordon Brown is the greatest leader the free world has ever seen while outlining a set of fantasy laws that Labour will never have to come good on.

"But isn't that all just a load of codswallop?"

Tory leader and Prime Minister in waiting David Cameron has said the Queen's speech is a waste of time and nothing but a vehicle for political rhetoric adding that he "can't wait until next year when I get a shot of using the Queen as a ventriloquist's dummy".

The speech will take place at the official opening of parliament after the traditional pomp-laden ceremony takes place, including dressing like total chuffs, knocking the door, shooting the fox and flogging the underclass.  The Queen will be brought to animation in the hours before the speech and will be well oiled prior to the event to give optimum performance.  After the golden key is inserted into the silver padlock on the door of the formal docking chamber by the 12th removed cousin of the hirer of the official robes, the speech will begin.

The Queen is expected to open by saying, "You will never have to worry about anything ever again after seeing these laws.  Obviously if one outlined exactly how they worked other parties would go and steal them.  So one has been instructed not say too much on them.  You'll just have to trust the current Government.  Also, Gordon Brown is a dynamic mix of Jesus, Bono and Ghandi, definitely isn't doped out of his eyeballs, can go like the clappers and more importantly, didn't attend Eton."

The planned laws the queen is expected to outline are that the economic downturn will be solved 'somehow' so that everyone in the country becomes a millionaire the night after Labour re-election, the health service will be improved 'somehow' so that no one will ever die again, bankers will 'somehow' stop acting like bankers and God will be sorted out 'somehow' so that there are no more floods for local authorities to deal with.

Further bills set to be proposed are that everyone will have a satisfying sex life and can eat what they want without putting on any weight.

Contact: news@TheTangentNewspaper.co.uk

Information Commissioner advices violence against T-Mobile staff. 

Government closes stable door after horse bolts. 

Xbox gamers discover level called 'outside'

posted by The Ed at 12:29 PM

INFORMATION COMMISSIONER ADVISES CALLING T-MOBILE STAFF AND THREATENING THEM.

Information Commissioner, Christopher Graham, has condemned the 'paltry' fines that are available to punish people who criminally trade personal data, alternatively suggesting that perpetrators of such crimes are locked up with 'the biggest and baddest rapists and murderers Her Majesty's Prison Service has available.'

The stark suggestion came after details emerged of T-Mobile staff selling customer details onto third party brokers who then sold the data onto other mobile phone companies, who used the data to cold call customers.  Commissioner Graham said, "Everyone who has ever been cold called has my permission to call up T-mobile and verbally abuse them.  I'm sure this is something call centre staff will never have experienced and will ensure they never consider selling customer data."

"Also if you know someone who works for T-Mobile feel free to inflict some small degree of physical harm on them, something low level like a nipple twister or a noogie."

"This incident represents a huge dinner protection breach.  I've lost count of the amount of times my house phone has been cold called while I'm tucking into a sumptuous Waitrose offering.  The people who have caused this must pay!"

Marcus Barkley, a nutjob hailing from Wolverhampton, doesn't think the Commissioner's suggestions go far enough.  "Why should they go to a holiday camp like prison and expect people like me to pay for it?  Well, not people like me exactly, I'm on disability benefit you see - I got whiplash while having a go of some Go-Karts in Tenerife.  We should just string 'em up.  Hang 'em from lampposts and charge the public a penny each to see it.  That's what Brown's Britain should be about.  I tell you what, you'd soon get the economy working with all the revenue generated.  I need a lie down now."

Anne-Marie Glancy, a 25 year old T-Mobile worker said, "T-Mobile pay me minimum wage to take calls all day long from absolute idiots.  They sit me in cubicle on a floor that is the human equivalent of the sort of chicken coops that make Jamie Oliver's face go all wobbly with disgust.  I have to raise my hand to ask permission for a toilet break.  Would I think twice about making a quick buck at their expense?  Would I fuck."

"Does that justify it?  I think you're missing the point.  They have made me piss myself more times than I care to remember.  All bets are off when you have to take a change of undercrackers to work."

Contact: news@TheTangentNewspaper.co.uk

Government closes stable door after horse bolts. 

Xbox gamers discover new level called 'outside'. 

Perfect vaginas don't taste like beer.

posted by The Ed at 1:17 AM

GOVERNMENT CLOSES STABLE DOOR AFTER HORSE BOLTS.

The Government has announced plans to close stable doors everywhere after it emerged some horses bolted well over a year ago destroying acres of field and leading to a massive financial stimulus package to keep stables operating.

Stable Minister Lord Myners said, "We've realised the old idea of leaving stables open and allowing the horses to roam around doing whatever they liked has failed us.  It turns out that horses need regulation.  Without regulation horses only think of individual short term gain.   If you put a sack of feed down in front of a unregulated horse it eats the whole bloody lot.   Greedy mares."

Myners also outlined plans for reforming the heavily criticised Carrot Bonus Scheme for horses.  Top steeds such as Fred the Horse received millions of pounds of carrots,  angering many woodland animals who had their security and homes threatened by the steed's rampaging antics.   

"We are closing doors of the dilapidated barns that are left behind and will only reward horses with carrots when they have done something worthy.  Such as ploughing a field, winning a race, feeding the French or making some really good glue..."

Ronald the Rabbit is unimpressed with the plans, "In the last year I've had my field totally wrecked by out of control horses, they literally took the food off my table and now some idiot has came along saying he'll give them less carrots when just the mention of carrot makes me salivate... I'm a pretty tame animal but this seriously wants to make me start fucking some shit up.

Contact: news@TheTangentNewspaper.co.uk

Xbox gamers discover new level called 'outside'. 

Perfect vaginas don't taste like beer.

St James' park becomes Cash Converter house of crap.

posted by The Ed at 11:54 PM

XBOX GAMERS DISCOVER STRANGE NEW LEVEL CALLED 'OUTSIDE'.

Outraged geeks have attacked Microsoft after the company banned modified consoles from Xbox Live.  One geek said, "How dare they do this to me!  Yeah, I've bought a bunch of pirate games but I paid for the Xbox.  After that I should be able steal as many Xbox games as I like."

If you buy an Xbox this girl will totally come round your house, lick your controllers and have sex with you and everything!

Reports suggest that Microsoft banned as many as 600,000 Xbox Live accounts on the day the latest Call of Duty, a popular shooting people in the face franchise, was released.  This left thousands of Xbox gamers with nothing to do all day and many ventured into the outside world.

Sam Powell, a 35 stone, Dungeons and Dragons fan with a ponytail made from 60% grease said, "There I was 'BANNED'.  I wandered around my house and noticed this door I'd never seen before.  I went through it and found this incredibly well rendered environment."

"My first thought was to see how big the play map was.  So I thought I'd haul someone out a car and drive until I bounced off an invisible wall.  This didn't work well as everyone sped off when I tried to open their doors.  I figured if I had a gun of some sort I'd be more imposing.  So I found a shop and asked to buy a gun but the guy in the store told me to fuck off."

"To be honest, I've been called a lot worse by 12 year old Americans on Xbox Live, so that ended up being the least disorientating part of the whole thing."

Other gamers reported similar difficulties in adjusting to real life.  George Dewitt or 'Slay Master 8056' as he insists on being called said, "At first I thought I'd stumbled across some sort of cheat code or something, a secret level.  But the real world was so dull that I figured it must be a developer's tool hidden away in the game to help develop the game engine and the character physics, or something.  There was no one dressed as Nazis advancing on me, just people dressed in suits going in and out of buildings.  Weird."

One gamer reported that "I saw one of those things you see in games occasionally... those things with the long hair and the round bulging hanging bits from the pectoral region...  this one's hair wasn't as glossy and her bulging bits were nowhere near as bulging but on seeing it I just buckled over in the street and started shitting myself uncontrollably.  I don't know what came over me."

Mircrosoft have so far resisted pressure to reinstate the banned gamers.  Pressure has came not just from the gaming community but from the rest of the world who are already tired of answering question about what things are and how they work and can't put up with the smell of stale sweat any more.

Contact: news@TheTangentNewspaper.co.uk

Perfect vaginas don't taste like beer.

St James' Park becomes Cash Converter super emporium. 

Question Time really dull without the 'racist clown', say millions.

posted by The Ed at 2:34 AM

WARNING ON PERFECT VAGINAS: THEY DON'T TASTE LIKE BEER.

A report says that women undergoing surgery to make their vagina look more like a pint of cool, refreshing beer are doing so with a  'shocking lack of information' and a 'large dose of idiocy'.

The research published in The British Journal of Obstetrics and Gynaecology states that the amount of operations to improve the appearance of the vagina are on the rise and goes as far to question the very notion of aesthetically pleasing genitalia.

"They don't call it bumping uglies for nothing.  When something starts off looking like the Predator's face what can you really do about it?  No amount of surgery would make Ken Dodd look like Brad Pitt.  So why bother?  Guys don't care what it looks like anyway, they'd put their penis in a pot of jelly if no one was looking." states the report.

The report went on to explain the dangers involved in the operation and warned that while the end product, "may look exactly like a beer, it does not taste anything like beer.  Sort of like Tennants."

 

Despina Tazelaar, who recently had surgery to make her vagina look like a pint defends the procedure saying, "I swear to God, like.  It was the best thing I have ever gone and did.  It's a bit sore when I pee.  Or have sex.  Or walk.  Actually, talking to you right now is making it hurt a bit.  But that's a small price to pay for all the extra interest I'm getting from men.  I'm hoping my perfect vagina gets me a man who buys me fur coats and diamonds."

The Institute of Plastic Surgeons also condemned the research.  A statement read, "These operations help utterly tragic women who are convinced that all their problems stem from the appearance of their genitals.  We do a simple operation and they feel better, until they find something else about their appearance to get insanely insecure about.  Something like, oh say, their foreheads?  Their furrowed, aging foreheads.  Just a  suggestion."

Inversely, it appears that 100% of men couldn't be happier with their genitalia.  Adam Kinser said, "Oh yeah, I love how my penis looks.  Sometimes I just stand there in the morning, butt naked in front of the mirror admiring it.  It's a real cracker.  Off the record... you don't have any of those pills that make it 58 times bigger overnight, do you?"

Contact: news@TheTangentNewspaper.co.uk

St James' park becomes Cash Converter super emporium. 

Question time really dull without the 'racist clown', say millions. 

Gordon Brown tries on old gimp suit.

posted by The Ed at 9:00 PM

ST JAMES' PARK BECOMES CASH CONVERTERS SUPER EMPORIUM.

Newcastle United owner Mike Ashley has taken the decision to make the club an even bigger laughing stock to football fans by agreeing a stadium sponsorship agreement with the UK's premier pawn broker Cash Converters.

The club, who play in England's prestigious Championship Conference Super Duper Division of Extraordinary Challenge, have agreed to rename the stadium cashconvertors.co.uk@stjames'park and allow the company to use parts of the stadium to sell unwanted DJ equipment and other tat.

Ashley confirmed, "Everyone knows I want to sell this god awful club. I popped into Cash Converters to see how much they would offer me.  They said they wouldn't touch it with a barge pole as they already had a bunch of financially non-viable clubs on the shelves and some of them even play in the big league."

"So there I was, wearing my Newcastle top with 'Shearer number 9' on the back, holding a pint in hand, looking a bit glum when the chap said we could maybe come to some sort of sponsorship agreement if I had enough ID on me to prove I wasn't a scaffing thief hawking some stolen goods."

This man owns a professional football club.  Not the one on the left.  That would be ridiculous.

"Cash Converters conducted some research and found that 99.9% of Newcastle fans are unemployed.  Jimmy Nail, Ant and Dec and me make up the other 0.1%.  They decided that the typical Newcastle fan is the perfect Cash Converters customer, not too bright, has a distorted sense of reality and is skint."

I know the fans will scoff.  But I don't care.  If a good team like Arsenal sell their stadium name then why shouldn't cack teams like us to do it?  Cash Converters are a company that have a similar business philosophy to Newcastle United.  They stock over-priced, unwanted junk and we spent nearly £6 million on Joey Barton."

"They also gave me a big old cathode tube telly and a Sega Mega Drive as part of the deal.  Newcastle are a really good team in Fifa 97, by the way." 

Newcastle fan Barry Neville, angrily said, "Ye wouldn't get this happening to a Liverpool or a Man Utd, man."  When it was pointed that Newcastle United's trophy room proved they were not a Liverpool or a Man Utd and that right now they weren't even, say, a Wigan Athletic, Barry had difficulty comprehending the statement and his head shook uncontrollably from side to side before exploding.

Contact: news@TheTangentNewspaper.co.uk

Question Time really dull without 'racist clown', say millions. 

Gordon Brown tries on old gimp suit. 

Liverpool to sign beach ball.

posted by The Ed at 8:26 PM