WOMEN ASKS POPE, "WHY WON'T YOU ACKNOWLEDGE OUR SON?"

The women who wrestled the Pope to the ground during Christmas Eve mass in St Peter's Basilica has demanded that Pope Benedict acknowledge their 18 month old son.  Susanna Maiolo screamed at the Pope, "All he wants is to see his daddy on Christmas day!" before being dragged away as the Pope looked on, pulling his most sincere "I didn't do it" pose.

"It wasn't me."

Maiolo attempted to accost the Pope in similar fashion in 2008 but failed to get within grabbing distance as the Pope's guards on that day were 'much less shit'.  "I'll keep on doing this.  The night we spent together meant something.  It didn't seem like just another fling for me.  He took my number and treated me properly.  He didn't even slap me about while nailing me.  He was a proper gentlemen.  I thought we had a future together." said Maiolo.

"Of course, I realise that due to his work he can't declare our love from the rooftops of the Vatican but I expected better than this.  I woke up the morning after and he'd left without saying goodbye.  That was ok though, I gave him the benefit of the doubt thinking he probably had an important blessing to give or something stupid to tell the African world about AIDs."

"Then when I found out I was pregnant with little Benny I tried calling and writing as I thought his father should know.  I've heard nothing back.  It might have been ok for God to have a one nighter with a girl and leave some other mug to bring up the end result but that's 'cos he's the Almighty.  I can tell you for certain that Pope Benedict is NOT the Almighty, not with the performance he put in - if you know what I mean."

"I will not give up until he does the honourable thing; acknowledges our son and pays me a shit tonne of maintenance."

"Little Benny is definitely his, I will take the Pope through the court of Jeremy Kyle to prove it if need be, although I think anecdotal evidence should suffice when there is no real evidence... It's a little thing called faith.  I think Pope Benedict is familiar with it."

"The other day I said to little Benny, 'Son, there's a cloud dwelling power who made everything in this world in 7 days.  He will completely annihilate us all with floods or locusts or whatever if we step too far out of line.  But at the end, if we're all nice, he'll take us up into his house in the clouds where we'll hang about forever.'  At no point did little Benny say, 'Mum, you're talking nonsense, just listen to yourself for a second'.  What more proof does anyone need that this is the Pope's son?"

Contact: news@TheTangentNewspaper.co.uk

Universities told to produce more morons. 

Simon Cowell declares himself world's jammiest bastard. 

Ben Fogle's house venue for world's wimpiest burglars convention.

posted by The Ed at 12:14 PM

MANDELSON ANNOUNCES PLANS TO ENSURE UNIVERSITIES CHURN OUT EVEN MORE ABSOLUTE MORONS.

Business Secretary and Dark Lord Peter Mandelson has announced cuts to University spending in a move to ensure that Universities produce a higher percentage of moron graduates than seen previously.

"I will eat your baby."

Mandleson explained, "This £533 million cut is punishment to the Universities for taking on all those extra students who couldn't get a job after we screwed up the labour market.  We would have much preferred those people on the dole.  They are mildly more expensive there in the short term, but long term they are much more likely to develop a heroin habit and end up dead on the street.  Instead they are now spending that student  money on fun, thinking they're the first people to ever get drunk 3 days running."

The cut is expected to impact directly on the delivery of courses meaning subjects will be poorly organised, offer lean materials and be delivered by strange little men who live in the hope that an 18 year old may sleep with them for a pass.  Some education experts believe this will be the case for nearly 90% of University courses now, instead of the current 75%.

"I would expect that the old classics will be sacrificed first.  The ones where you read books, discuss politics and the meaning of life and all that terrible stuff that forms 'opinions' in people.  After that all students will do courses that are purely vocational, blob through uni for 4 years and get in the queue with 7,000 other graduates for a minimum wage job." said Mandelson.

"The more morons universities churn out the better for everyone.  We've really really made a mess of things and worse is still to come when the other lot are let loose.  Isn't it better that future generations are too dumb and poorly educated to realise how extraordinary shit everything is?  I think the answer is a resounding yes."

Paul Aiken, a hopeful University Fresher in 2010 said, "I don't understand any of this.  Is it likely to affect my chances of joining an American style Frat House and chugging kegs?  If not, get out of my way - I've got an A level essay to buy off the internet."

Contact: news@TheTangentNewspaper.co.uk

Simon Cowell declares himself world's jammiest bastard. 

World's wimpiest burglars found in Ben Fogle's house.  

Tiger Woods focuses on shagging around.

posted by The Ed at 2:44 AM

SIMON COWELL DECLARES HIMSELF WORLD'S JAMMIEST BASTARD.

Simon Cowell is booking himself an extra special holiday this year after reaping the benefits of a Facebook campaign aimed at stopping the success of people like Simon Cowell.  The campaign succeeded in getting another song on the record label Simon Cowell represents to Christmas Number 1 instead of the one that would have done if the campaigners hadn't bothered making a Facebook group.

Sales of Rage Against the Machine's Killing in the Name reached over 500,000 in the Christmas number 1 week.  In the same period of the previous year the record sold only 13 copies, mainly due to very few children being suitably angry at their parents in the week running up to Christmas.  The sales boost represents a percentage increase of "an extra 14 days in the Bahamas, flights in an even swishier carbon ejecting jumbo jet, a penthouse room in the hotel that overlooks the penthouse of the second most fancy hotel, and a custom made Bentley on my return to the UK." explained Cowell.

"I really am a jammy bastard.  Aren't I?  I now firmly believe I could swim in a pool of shit and come out smelling of roses, sporting fantastic surgery altered pecks.  I could walk up to your wife after eating cloves of garlic say, "Come with me for a shafting" and she'd say yes.  If I bought a lottery ticket with a lollipop stick I'd win the jackpot."

"I'd like to thank the idiots who started this campaign for not doing any homework and failing to select a protest song my boss doesn't own.  Thanks to you guys we sold nearly 1 million records this week instead of half that.  Truly, this is a historic week in my musical history."

"It was such a simple premise.  Pit one bunch of stupid children against an other and let them decide who gets to number one.  Unusually the children who won here are a bit older, should know better and often smell quite bad.  I can't believe I didn't think of this scheme.  Not that it matters."

Rage Against the Machine rose to prominence in the early 90s with such politically charged songs such as "Things Suck Shit" and "Fuckity Fuck You, Bitch"  Lead singer Zak de la Rocha declared the chart victory as one belonging to "intelligent, spirit dwelling socio-anarchist-activists in both the UK and USA who understand and delineate the tensions and contortions of the modern Big Brother government freedom paranoia hunters."  When asked to explain exactly what that meant he elaborated, "FUCK YOU!  FUCCCCKKK!"

Ex Sex Pistol John Lydon offered his congratulations to Rage Against the Machine saying, "Well done that band.  Bravo indeed.  Maybe next year I'll see if the public will gulp down Anarchy in the UK again.  Well, I do love a great rock and roll swindle after all.  That and loads of moola."

Contact: news@TheTangentNewspaper.co.uk

World's wimpiest burglars found in Ben Fogle's house.
Tiger Woods quits gold to focus on shagging around.
Owen discovers elixir of youth and plays alright.

posted by The Ed at 9:38 AM

WORLD'S WIMPIEST BURGLARS FOUND IN BEN FOGLE'S HOUSE.

TV toff Ben Fogle has described how he chased 4 burglars from his house.   Fogle was self deprecating about the incident saying, "I bet they thought 'Oh it's only TV's hunky looking, thinking woman's bit of all right' Ben Fogle, what's he going to do?  Talk posh at us?"

"But they soon scampered.  There was a scary picture of a dog behind me.  That's probably what scared them off.  I'm not saying my well maintained, perfectly sculpted physique and granite chin is what scared them off.  Although, it could have been, of course..."

For the benefit of people who have a job Ben Fogle hosts a variety of BBC mid-afternoon shows that no one watches because ITV and Channel 5 have chat shows featuring Neds on at the same time.  Ben presents, 'Ben's Cuddly Pets Hour', 'Fogle's Folklore' and 'Feebly Fogely', amongst others.

Pat McCann of the National Burglar's Union said of the incident, "There is no way those guys are accredited members of our organisation.  For one, we offer all our members extensive training in confronting all sorts of unexpected situations while on the job from angry farmers to wide awake old folks.  If those guys had went through our world famous training schemes there is no way a surprise Fogle would have sent them running.  They'd have tied that motherfucker to a chair and stuffed his Pringle socks into his mouth."

"That said, we appreciate there are 4 members of our profession out there, scared and without the protection of their union.  We offer an extensive programme in rehabilitation and trauma therapy and would like to hear from them.  All we need is their names, addresses of their respective gaffs and times when they won't be home."

Police are investigating the incident and have said they would like to hear from anyone who sees a group of men dressed in black and carrying swag backs.  Police warned members of the public not to approach the burglar's as they may be scared by loud noises.

Contact: news@TheTangentNewspaper.co.uk

Tiger announces break from golfing to focus on shagging around. 

Michael Owen discovers elixir of youth and plays 'not badly',  

Coven of bankers gather to burn effigy of bushy eye browed man.

posted by The Ed at 1:40 PM

TIGER WOODS ANNOUNCES BREAK FROM GOLF TO FOCUS ON SHAGGING AROUND.

Tiger Woods is to take an 'indefinite' break from playing golf to concentrate on getting laid, the golfer has announced.  The announcement is the first time Tiger has admitted being unfaithful after previously coining a great new euphemism for men everywhere when he called tooling around 'transgressions'.

Yup, I'd transgress that.

It is expected that the revelation will lead to Tiger's clean cut brand image being ruined and losing many of his lucrative endorsements.  Tom Heckard (41), a guy who buys stuff said, "This actually makes him border on interesting.  It wouldn't stop me buying a razor with the guy's face on the packaging.  But that's mainly because I'm not enough of an idiot to buy a razor based on the guy's whose face is on the packing in the first place."

Wood's statement read, "Now this is out in the open I can get on with getting serious amounts of action.  I've been living with all this pressure to be a good, clean living role model when what I really want to do is use my wealth and fame to make sure I have sex with a different woman every night.  And who wouldn't?"

"It's been a tough choice but after much soul searching I've decided that walking about with a bunch of old geezers whacking a golf ball 800 yards isn't anywhere near as much fun as getting my end away with a porn star."

Lawyers in the UK acting for Tiger have gained an injunction to prevent details of Tiger's alleged affairs appearing in the UK media.  The High Court judge granting the injunction said, "Have you people not heard of the internet?  Have your injunction, for all the bloody good it'll do."  The injunction represents a body blow to the tabloid press who were ready to roll out a whole bunch of golfing/shagging puns and plays on the name 'Tiger'.

Tiger had been under pressure to make a statement after being involved in a car accident last week.  For some reason that escapes me this accident led to a number of women claiming to have slept with the golfer.  Lesson to be learned is if you're having an affair and want to keep it a secret, best make sure you don't prang your car.  The road traffic report on the accident failed to mention whether the accident had been caused after the driver became distracted by a Playboy Bunny performing a charming trick with ice cubes in her mouth.

Contact: news@TheTangentNewspaper.co.uk

Michael Owen discovers elixir of youth and plays alright. 

Coven of bankers gather to burn effigy of bushy eye browed chap.  

Banks celebrate royally fucking you over, again.

posted by The Ed at 8:47 AM

MICHAEL OWEN DISCOVERS THE ELIXIR OF YOUTH.

Footballer Michael Owen has discovered the elixir of youth, it emerged after he played well in a football match.  The former England striker had been telling friends for weeks that he had 'found something big' while digging up his garden and proved it to the world last night when he scored a hat trick against Wolfsburg.

Saundra Prost, a football scientist, believes that the Michael Owen who featured last night is similar to the Michael Owen of a decade ago.  "Gone was the waif like tendancy for limbs to fall off on contact with other players, the ball and fresh air.  In its place was a willingness to hang around in the other team's box for 90 minutes, scoring goals against mediocre opposition.  It was a vintage Owen performance."

Owen said, "I found a vial with a potion in it while looking after my plantation of turnips.  You know me, I'm too relentlessly uninteresting to try an unkown substance.  So I popped a drop in the missus' tea instead.  Within a couple of seconds she started firming up in all the raggedy areas.  It was like watching that show 10 Years Younger, except at the end of the process she actually looked ten years younger."

"I retired to my study to think things over, knowing that with great potions comes great responsibility.  I did a few Sudoku's to clear my mind and had a look through my scrap book.  I noticed that the last thing I did that got nice headlines was years and years ago, the penny dropped and I gave the potion a go with some camomile tea."

Owen hopes his discovery can lead to an England recall in time for the World Cup and intends to send some of the elixir to retired Argentine Roberto Ayala in the hope that Owen can become the most over-rated footballer in the world all over again.

Sir Alex Ferguson was delighted with Owen's discovery and subsequent performance, "I'm dead proud for the lad.  He got his goals but it's a team game remember.  So I hope he's got enough spare to give to Giggsy and Scholesy.  With any luck he's also sitting on the elixir of not being completely guff and we can give that to Dimitar Berbatov. "

Contact: news@TheTangentNewspaper.co.uk

Coven of bankers gather to burn effigy of Chancellor. 

Banks celebrate royally fucking you over, again.  

Man in charge of whitewash promises whitewash won't be a whitewash.

posted by The Ed at 9:51 AM

COVEN OF BANKERS GATHER TO BURN EFFIGY OF BUSHY EYE BROWED MAN.

A coven of bankers have gathered around stonehenge and set fire to a wicker effigy depicting a bushy eye browed fellow.  The pagan ritual occurred after it emerged Alisdair Darling is expected to announce a 50% tax on bonuses due to be paid to bankers at the end of the year.

The event also involved a ritual killing of a goat and drinking of the beast's blood while members of the banking profession dressed in body long black robes chanted ominously.  One participant said, "It was a really cracking night.  I haven't seen a lot of these guys for donkeys because we're trying to lie a bit low.  But it was just like the olden days, get together, kill an animal and laugh at all the schmucks who use our services."

Another said, "I haven't had this much fun since I got a bonus for being really shit at my job, bought a Ferrari and hit 100mph in a '20's plenty' school zone.  You should have seen the shocked looks on the faces of those futureless little runts."

The evening's centre piece was the torching of a 70 foot wicker effigy that had eyebrows comprised of scrunched up bin bags.  As thick black smoke plumed into the night sky the bankers rejoiced at the crumbling pile of ashes before shaking hands and hopping into a convey of various expensive cars that you and I could never afford.

Alisdair Darling said after hearing about the event, "I don't know what to do.  Please help me.  I had to do something to the bankers.  I was worried that members of the public who've lost jobs due to the recession would take to the streets and fire-bomb the high street banks."

"Now I'm worried a bunch of pissed off upper class people are going to kidnap me, tie me to a concrete slab and shove a broom handle up my cock before draining the blood from my body.  It really is quite a conundrum.  I never wanted any of this, I only entered politics to flip a few mortgages here and there and get my gardening done for free."

Contact: news@TheTangentNewspaper.co.uk

Banks celebrate royally fucking you over, again. 

Man in charge of whitewash promises whitewash won't be a whitewash. 

X Factory fans undecided as to who to bully next.

posted by The Ed at 1:16 AM