EXPERTS STUNNED BY TIGER WOODS SWAN.

Swan experts (for there is such a thing) have been stunned after witnessing a rare swan divorce.  One keeper at the Gloucestershire sanctuary where the swans live said, "On the face of it they had it all.  They'd cultivated this image of the perfect relationship,  always smiling any time we bothered to look in on them.  But it was all surface.  Behind the scenes things were all kinds of wrong."

Swan expert Tia Holoway explained, "Swans are generally quite stupid animals.  They have real loyalty for each other and mate for life.  I know, I know, it makes no sense.  That's why they always look so pissed off all the time and are aggressive bad asses.  Can you imagine having to be stuck to the first person you gave a fumble to forever?  Nightmare."

"Baby, I've got a lot of love to give..."

Sheila Bormann, a keeper at the Gloucestershire sanctuary said, "We noticed something was of amiss before they emigrated for winter.  Every time she had her back turned he was off dipping his beak into other swans feathers.  But he did well to keep her from finding out.  Then one day we found him by the side of the pond, kind of bashed up a bit.  It was odd, but we didn't make any connections so tossed him back in the pond.  Then he came back with a younger swan in tow after winter and we were all like 'oh there's gonna be trouble when she gets back' but she turned up with another bloke, so I guess that makes it ok."

"Before all this he had one of those ridiculous pretentious names we like to give to captive animals, 'Sarindi' or something lame.  But we've now renamed him Tiger to commemorate his sexual prowess.  It was a close vote between 'Tiger' and 'Top Shagger' for his new name - voices were raised, name calling was indulged, mothers were mentioned."

The incident has put the Swans lucrative patronage by the Queen in jeopardy.  The Queen is said to be upset that her name could be associated with a sleazy, two timer that doesn't understand the 'you've made your bed - now lie in it' sanctity of marriage - especially as she is already associated with Prince Charles.  A royal correspondent said, "The Queen is given serious consideration to lending her support to a different animal.  Her Majesty does not appreciate comments from the citizen classes that a sloth or a leech is an appropriate association .  Thank you very much."

Contact: news@TheTangentNewspaper.co.uk

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