SNOW MAY CAUSE CANCER.

As snow continues to cause disruption all over the UK experts have warned that the evil white fluffy stuff may start to cause cancer because, "it's just that much of a dick."

"I will kill again".

Ray Barrs of Snow Studies UK said, "We are in uncharted territory here.  We haven't a few weeks of intermittent snow for hundreds of years.  We've delved into the history books and found anecdotal records of similar snow fall during the winter of 1787 but the last entry is the ramblings of a mad man and mentions canibilism quite a lot..."

"Could snow cause cancer?  That's what you're asking me, yeah?  Well why not?  If it cripples a national stronghold like British trains then it strikes me as pretty obvious that it can cause terminal illness."

Religious leaders have been bending events to fit Biblical text and are preaching of a snowy apocalypse to startled congregations.  Reverend Halladay of the Church of Latter Day Lunatics said, "It's all there in Revelations.  Don't read it though, just trust me.  It's clear what is happening.  God, the real God, the Old Testament God is punishing us for our sinful lives of not attending church and letting roof fund raisers fail.  Too many of us live like this and God will not take any more.  The only way we can appease God's wrath is to start ritualistically sacrificing all babies who have been born since the snowfall started."

The snow has affected rail services and has caused closures of schools, airports and hospitals.  In Hampshire the military were called in to deal with snowfall on a road and proceeded to "shoot it up a bit."  Andy McNab is expected to commemorate the operation with a novel by next week.

Government officials are worried that the public may act hystercially and make matters worse.  As one Government aide said, "There are a lot of idiots in this counry, after all."  Pat McEwen, a concerned idiot from Surrey said, "I swear, if that snow comes near my children I'll do time.  No ifs, no buts."

Dave Milling, 34, said, "If one more flake of snow falls from the sky it's anarchy.  I'll be straight down the high street looting for the essentials to tide me and my family through.  First I'll hit Argos for some High Def tellys and then onto the Apple store for one of those Macbooks."

Stuart Carlin called in from a car on the A3 to say, "I've been stuck on this road for 12 hours.  12 hours in a Punto.  I've got my wife and 3 kids...  And now I hears this stuff is going to give me and my family cancer... the gun I have only has 4 bullets in..."

Reports are emerging that an A-level Geography student has been burned on a stake as a heretic in Henley-on-Thames town square after telling everyone that the snow would melt.

Contact: news@TheTangentNewspaper.co.uk

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