Normal law abiding American citizens have taken to the streets to fire guns into the air amid concerns that President Obama may be a communist. Intellectual Americans across the country's University Campuses have dealt with the fear by chugging kegs of rancid all American beer while trailer park residents have been slapping their kids about, to try and retain a sense of normality.
Suspicions first arose when Obama unveiled health reforms aimed at providing the 30 million Americans who can't afford any health insurance an alternative from eventually keeling over and dying in the street. Obama has since spoken out against the banks proposing to regulate them like he 'was their daddy'.
A joint statement released by America's biggest health insurers and banks said, "Unfortunately President Obama sees fit to attack our ability to make money just because it may bring misery to some people's lives. He is neglecting how much joy making that money brings us. Making money at any cost is as fundamental a piece of American identity as school shootings and learning geography through war."
Zane Brehant, a petrol attendant from Missouri said, "He's as big a commie as Charlie Chaplin, in my book. What's next? He'll be forcing McDonalds and Pizza Hut out of school cafeterias and replacing them with nutritious state meals. We need to stop this maniac before he rips apart the very fabric of American living. I think every American would agree that if he tries to take our right to an early heart attack then he has taken our freedom."
World War II veteran John Hoskins belongs to a minority of Americans who are relieved to discover Obama's alleged communist leanings. "You know where you are with a commie. He'll be out his back yard building inferior space shuttles, drinking Vodka and wearing a silly hat. Those were the good old days. Not like now where the enemy is invisible. I could be a terrorist. You could be a terrorist. There's no way of knowing until the bombs start going off and then it's too late. I'm fairly sure I'm not a terrorist but I don't know about you... I'm giving you to the count of 5 to get off my property..."
Obama has responded to the concerns by saying, "I told you I would bring change. And after serving as President for a year people no longer accuse me of not being born American, they just accuse me of Anti-American sentiment and being a Communist. That's change we can believe in, people. Progress is being made. Maybe next year I'll face accusatios of being a 10 year old little white girl."
Contact: news@TheTangentNewspaper.co.uk
posted by The Ed at
10:33 AM
