Former Prime Minister Tony Blair will answer questions at the Iraq Enquiry today and is expected to blame your gran for his decision to invade Iraq.

"Tony's going to find it hard up there today, on account of him warmongering without bothering to get some legal formalities dispensed with first.  Slight issue there." said political expert Clinton Farnell.  "We've been told Tony will enter the inquiry riding on the back of a tin foil decorated float while playing the opening to Smoke on the Water by Deep Purple before explaining that he didn't seek legal justification because lawyers are 'very nasty and expensive people, as everyone knows.  Not as nasty and expensive as a stupid war but nasty and expensive nonetheless'"

As the inquiry starts to ask awkward questions about documents they have from everyone working in a legal capacity for the government that say "For the love of baby Jesus, DO NOT join this war just now.  There'll be plenty of time left to kill Iraqis after you get UN permission." Blair is expected to deploy his main defence of blaming your Granny.

"Tony is going to argue that even though there were no weapons of mass destruction, Saddam Hussein was the sort of chap who could start building such weapons at some point in the future.  "Blair will present his case against Saddam saying that he was 'shady and couldn't be trusted and that your gran agreed this was a good enough reason to start a war, so why won't you?!'

You are expected to respond by admitting that Granny did think Saddam was going to kick down her door and vaporise her with chemical weapons emitted from her moustache but that she also thought Terry Wogan was sexy and that the local kids looked at her funny and that didn't make those things true.  Except the local kids looking at her funny but that was on account of her spending her final days standing in the garden, stripped to the waist pointing a garden rake at them while mumbling incoherently.

Tony Blair is then expected to bring a close to proceedings saying, "You know what, guys.  We can sit and go over this all day.  Truth is you've got much more chance of making Gordon look the fool than someone as slick as me.  You should conserve your energies for that.  How about I spend the rest of this enquiry banging out some Led Zep and AC/DC, we'll knock off early and I'll buy you all lunch?"

Blair's biographer Anthony Seldon said, "I would expect Tony to charm his way out of this.  Look at that smile.  Wouldn't you just forgive him anything?  Besides, blaming your gran for the war isn't anywhere near as ridiculous as saying 'God made me do it' which he said before and got away with.  I expect today to be an important step in the resurrection of Tony Blair that will be pivotal in him becoming the first Supreme President of the Solar Galaxy.  And when that happens, Mars better watch out."

Contact: news@TheTangentNewspaper.co.uk