The US military should be allowed to become more fabulous, according to the country's Top Commander.  Adm Mike Mullen sipped a Cosmopolitan while telling a Senate hearing that the US military's 'Don't ask, Don't tell' policy is a barrier stopping the military from receiving a fantastic makeover.

"Can you imagine how much American forces would benefit from a splash of flamboyance here and there?  Colour, people.  Those drab camouflages are sooooo last century.  More Queens for the Marines.  That's my motto", said Mullen.

"And for those people who think gay people can't serve in the forces, I draw your attention to the motion picture Top Gun.  A movie full of gays kicking foreign ass.  Every last one of them as gay as the day is long.  Except Tom Cruise, of course.  Tom is so straight he impregnates rooms full of women with his undoubted heterosexuality."

Senator John McCain sat on the committee and was disappointed by the outcome.  "This policy hasn't been ideal, but it's been effective.  Effective at helping me believe that there aren't gay people in the military.  What respect would the people of the nations we invade have for us Americans if instead of waltzing in there and raising their village to the ground in a blitz of fire-power we went in there and offered to do some hairdressing?"

"Understand this - a gay man would not have sex with Sarah Palin.  That is terrifying.  What is wrong with these people?  Don't they have taste?  But I suppose if this whole gay thing they're going through isn't a phase then they're best out the country than in it."

President Obama's State of the Union address last week started the debate.  Obama said, "I know I said I'd withdraw troops before I came to power.  But that hasn't happened.  We need all the good men we can get.  If those good men have good fashion sense then I don't see that as being something that should stop them serving the country they love.  I'll even chuck in a free Scissor Sister's CD for every gay that I can get enrolled."

Contact: news@TheTangentNewspaper.co.uk