TONY BLAIR SET TO BLAME YOUR GRAN FOR IRAQ INVASION.

Former Prime Minister Tony Blair will answer questions at the Iraq Enquiry today and is expected to blame your gran for his decision to invade Iraq.

"Tony's going to find it hard up there today, on account of him warmongering without bothering to get some legal formalities dispensed with first.  Slight issue there." said political expert Clinton Farnell.  "We've been told Tony will enter the inquiry riding on the back of a tin foil decorated float while playing the opening to Smoke on the Water by Deep Purple before explaining that he didn't seek legal justification because lawyers are 'very nasty and expensive people, as everyone knows.  Not as nasty and expensive as a stupid war but nasty and expensive nonetheless'"

As the inquiry starts to ask awkward questions about documents they have from everyone working in a legal capacity for the government that say "For the love of baby Jesus, DO NOT join this war just now.  There'll be plenty of time left to kill Iraqis after you get UN permission." Blair is expected to deploy his main defence of blaming your Granny.

"Tony is going to argue that even though there were no weapons of mass destruction, Saddam Hussein was the sort of chap who could start building such weapons at some point in the future.  "Blair will present his case against Saddam saying that he was 'shady and couldn't be trusted and that your gran agreed this was a good enough reason to start a war, so why won't you?!'

You are expected to respond by admitting that Granny did think Saddam was going to kick down her door and vaporise her with chemical weapons emitted from her moustache but that she also thought Terry Wogan was sexy and that the local kids looked at her funny and that didn't make those things true.  Except the local kids looking at her funny but that was on account of her spending her final days standing in the garden, stripped to the waist pointing a garden rake at them while mumbling incoherently.

Tony Blair is then expected to bring a close to proceedings saying, "You know what, guys.  We can sit and go over this all day.  Truth is you've got much more chance of making Gordon look the fool than someone as slick as me.  You should conserve your energies for that.  How about I spend the rest of this enquiry banging out some Led Zep and AC/DC, we'll knock off early and I'll buy you all lunch?"

Blair's biographer Anthony Seldon said, "I would expect Tony to charm his way out of this.  Look at that smile.  Wouldn't you just forgive him anything?  Besides, blaming your gran for the war isn't anywhere near as ridiculous as saying 'God made me do it' which he said before and got away with.  I expect today to be an important step in the resurrection of Tony Blair that will be pivotal in him becoming the first Supreme President of the Solar Galaxy.  And when that happens, Mars better watch out."

Contact: news@TheTangentNewspaper.co.uk

Dicking around on Facebook not to blame for finding exam tough, says Facebook group. 

Hooligans are ugly lot, reveal police.  

Tiger Woods swan stuns experts.

posted by The Ed at 8:24 AM

DICKING AROUND ON FACEBOOK NOT TO BLAME FOR FINDING EXAM TOUGH, SAYS FACEBOOK GROUP COMPLAINING ABOUT TOUGH EXAM.

A facebook group protesting about the content of an A-level biology exam has been launched by whingey students who haven't had their results yet.

Members of the group are hoping that they can persuade the exam board to give them all A's because the board should appreciate that being on Facebook all the time and making silly reactionary groups is too much of a distraction from studying to resist.  The group are also hoping to encourage the public to make Rage Against the Machine number one on A-level results day.  Probably.

Students are complaining that the paper asked questions that weren't covered during the course and are concerned that the paper will cost them places at University.  One student said, "We were not taught exactly what areas to study for.  I'm not saying that we should be told what questions are coming up, we're not at University yet after all...  But the course didn't even give us massive clues as to what the exam would ask.  It was as if this exam was trying to test our overall knowledge of the subject and we weren't prepared for that."

Another anxious student said, "If I don't get into uni I'll have to stay in my depressing shit hole of a town and start having kids to shaven headed thugs.  I'll be 23 with four kids, weigh 20 stone and be black and blue all over from the domestic abuse that the non university educated indulge in.  Why are the exam board doing to this to me?"

Jamie McCuin wrote, "They should make it so that we all get automatic A's, if they could also make it so that we get another series of Skins - but with vampires, better school lunches, Mr Christies wig to fall off in class and for me to get a feel of Kelly Swanson's chebs then that would be smashing."

A spokesman for the exam board said, "We are aware some idiot students are on the internet annoyed that an examination we set actually resembled an examination for a change.  There have been concerns that the paper didn't allow students to display their abilities adequately.  One of the wall posts on the Facebook page read, 'WTF?  LIKE, WTF?  LOL.  R U KIDDIN' ME?  DAT PAPER SUCKED. ROFL LMAO'.  You're telling me that student has abilities to display?  Aye right - disabilities, maybe."

"We're basically all just sitting round watching the incoherent posts on this page and having a right good laugh.  We'll definitely set difficult papers in the future if this is the sort of entertainment we get out of it.  As for students being prevented from meeting the requirements for University courses we can lessen those fears by reminding students that if you can spell your name correctly and do simple arithmetic you are a shoo-in  for a Uni place."

Contact: news@TheTangentNewspaper.co.uk

Police pictures reveal that football hooligans are an ugly lot. 

Experts stunned by Tiger Woods swan. 

Fears grow that Obama is a commie.

posted by The Ed at 7:47 PM

POLICE PICTURES REVEAL FOOTBALL HOOLIGANS ARE AN UGLY LOT.

Police have released images of 15 ugly hooligans following trouble at last week's Manchester derby.  The pictures were released to shatter the image that football hooligans are decent looking blokes, as suggested by films such as Green Street Hooligans.

A police spokesman said, "It's important that the public realise that hooliganism is not as glamorous as the movies make out. Football hooligans don't look like Elijah Wood or that blonde bloke with the ripped torso who was in that queer programme.  Your average football hooligan looks like his mum and dad were brother and sister.  And that's before they start knocking each others teeth out for fun."

"The images released support this and are a stark warning to any young lad to stay away from football hooliganism.  We know that following someone as rubbish, say, as Newcastle or West Ham or whatever can make the idea of getting seven shades of shit kicked out of you appealing but it just isn't worth it.  Look at these guys and think long and hard about the ramifications of carrying a face like that about for the rest of your life.  Imagine the munts that you'd have to lay if you looked like that."

Local slag Britney McGinty looked over the images and said, "Jeez, they're so foul looking I'd maybe only do 11 or 12 out of the 15 of them.  Unless I was absolutely moroculous.  That said, they're still all better looking than Carlos Tevez, ain't they?"

Last week's entertaining Manchester derby has left both sets of fans eagerly anticipating the second leg.  Manchester shops have sold out of lighter fluid and many fans are said to be stocking up on empty bottles and raiding their children's piggy banks for coins to throw.

Contact: news@TheTangentNewspaper.co.uk

Experts stunned by Tiger Woods swan. 

Is Obama a Commie? 

Wife of N.I. leader confuses life with plot of The Graduate.

posted by The Ed at 9:24 AM

EXPERTS STUNNED BY TIGER WOODS SWAN.

Swan experts (for there is such a thing) have been stunned after witnessing a rare swan divorce.  One keeper at the Gloucestershire sanctuary where the swans live said, "On the face of it they had it all.  They'd cultivated this image of the perfect relationship,  always smiling any time we bothered to look in on them.  But it was all surface.  Behind the scenes things were all kinds of wrong."

Swan expert Tia Holoway explained, "Swans are generally quite stupid animals.  They have real loyalty for each other and mate for life.  I know, I know, it makes no sense.  That's why they always look so pissed off all the time and are aggressive bad asses.  Can you imagine having to be stuck to the first person you gave a fumble to forever?  Nightmare."

"Baby, I've got a lot of love to give..."

Sheila Bormann, a keeper at the Gloucestershire sanctuary said, "We noticed something was of amiss before they emigrated for winter.  Every time she had her back turned he was off dipping his beak into other swans feathers.  But he did well to keep her from finding out.  Then one day we found him by the side of the pond, kind of bashed up a bit.  It was odd, but we didn't make any connections so tossed him back in the pond.  Then he came back with a younger swan in tow after winter and we were all like 'oh there's gonna be trouble when she gets back' but she turned up with another bloke, so I guess that makes it ok."

"Before all this he had one of those ridiculous pretentious names we like to give to captive animals, 'Sarindi' or something lame.  But we've now renamed him Tiger to commemorate his sexual prowess.  It was a close vote between 'Tiger' and 'Top Shagger' for his new name - voices were raised, name calling was indulged, mothers were mentioned."

The incident has put the Swans lucrative patronage by the Queen in jeopardy.  The Queen is said to be upset that her name could be associated with a sleazy, two timer that doesn't understand the 'you've made your bed - now lie in it' sanctity of marriage - especially as she is already associated with Prince Charles.  A royal correspondent said, "The Queen is given serious consideration to lending her support to a different animal.  Her Majesty does not appreciate comments from the citizen classes that a sloth or a leech is an appropriate association .  Thank you very much."

Contact: news@TheTangentNewspaper.co.uk

Fears grow that Obama is a commie. 

Wife of N.I. Leader confuses life with plot of The Graduate. 

Brown doesn't understand phrase 'storm in tea cup'.

posted by The Ed at 11:28 AM

FEARS GROW THAT OBAMA IS A COMMIE.

Normal law abiding American citizens have taken to the streets to fire guns into the air amid concerns that President Obama may be a communist.  Intellectual Americans across the country's University Campuses have dealt with the fear by chugging kegs of rancid all American beer while trailer park residents have been slapping their kids about, to try and retain a sense of normality.

Suspicions first arose when Obama unveiled health reforms aimed at providing the 30 million Americans who can't afford any health insurance an alternative from eventually keeling over and dying in the street.  Obama has since spoken out against the banks proposing to regulate them like he 'was their daddy'.

A joint statement released by America's biggest health insurers and banks said, "Unfortunately President Obama sees fit to attack our ability to make money just because it may bring misery to some people's lives.  He is neglecting how much joy making that money brings us.  Making money at any cost is as fundamental a piece of American identity as school shootings and learning geography through war."

Zane Brehant, a petrol attendant from Missouri said, "He's as big a commie as Charlie Chaplin, in my book.  What's next?  He'll be forcing McDonalds and Pizza Hut out of school cafeterias and replacing them with nutritious state meals.  We need to stop this maniac before he rips apart the very fabric of American living.  I think every American would agree that if he tries to take our right to an early heart attack then he has taken our freedom."

World War II veteran John Hoskins belongs to a minority of Americans who are relieved to discover Obama's alleged communist leanings.  "You know where you are with a commie.  He'll be out his back yard building inferior space shuttles, drinking Vodka and wearing a silly hat.  Those were the good old days.  Not like now where the enemy is invisible.  I could be a terrorist.  You could be a terrorist.  There's no way of knowing until the bombs start going off and then it's too late.  I'm fairly sure I'm not a terrorist but I don't know about you... I'm giving you to the count of 5 to get off my property..."

Obama has responded to the concerns by saying, "I told you I would bring change.  And after serving as President for a year people no longer accuse me of not being born American, they just accuse me of Anti-American sentiment and being a Communist.  That's change we can believe in, people.  Progress is being made.  Maybe next year I'll face accusatios of being a 10 year old little white girl."

Contact: news@TheTangentNewspaper.co.uk

Wife of N.I. leader confuses life with plot of The Graduate. 

Brown doesn't understand phrase 'storm in a tea cup'.  

Snow may cause cancer.

posted by The Ed at 10:33 AM

WIFE OF N.I. FIRST MINISTER CONFUSES LIFE WITH PLOT OF THE GRADUATE.

The wife of Northern Ireland's First Minister has admitted that she has been suffering from a mental illness which made her confuse reality with the plot from 1967 Oscar winning film The Graduate.

Iris Robinson said, "For years now I've been convinced I'm the real Mrs Robinson.  On sunny days I sit in the garden sipping a Martini and taking long draws of a cigarette waiting for the young mail man to come round.  When he does turn up I attempt to offer him sophisticated conversation in my most seductive American drawl but end up screeching crude obscenities in my harsh Northern Irish tones.  It doesn't matter though, he still nails me over the patio furniture."

"I realise now that this has all come out I should start to deal with my problem.  This has been tough on on all us, tough for me because I have to stop getting some off teenage toy-boys and tough for my husband because he has to hear about how his wife has been getting some off teenage toy-boys."

"I'm getting better now.  I have accepted that I am not really the Mrs Robinson from The Graduate.  I'm over it.  Now if you'll excuse me I have a couple of Simon and Garfunkel records to listen to while desperately fretting that my daughter might start seeing the lad I was having an affair with." 

Irish First Minister Peter Robinson has forgiven his wife saying, "God will forgive her.  The God who sends plagues of locusts and floods the world.  Yeah, thats the God I want her to have to ask forgiveness from."

Contact: news@TheTangentNewspaper.co.uk

Brown doesn't understand phrase 'storm in tea cup'.

Snow may cause cancer.

Women asks Pope, "Why won't you acknowledge our son?"

posted by The Ed at 7:06 PM

BROWN REVEALS HE DOESN'T UNDERSTAND PHRASE 'STORM IN TEA CUP'.

"Could you bring me a less stormy one, please?"

Gordon Brown has referred to a plot to oust him as Labour leader and the six hours it took for senior cabinet ministers to sound their support for him as a 'storm in a tea cup', suggesting he either has some very large tea cups with their own extreme weather atmospheres or he doesn't understand this phrase.

"I've had bigger things to deal with this week to be honest, like figuring out how I can be voted Worst Dress Man of 2009 while Cameron appears on a best dressed man list when essentially we are always seen in the same basic outfit.  Should I ditch the tie for less formal events?  I've also had Sarah nipping my head for a 19 year old lover..."

"These are the real issues and I'm the man with the job of doing the job on these issues.  This is no time for a well dressed novice.  Two high profile ministers sending out an email trying to drum up support for a secret leadership battle is nothing that an increased dosage of my favourite painkillers won't solve."

David Cameron responded to the plot by saying, "I can't believe this.  This is becoming so easy.  We are the Tories, we are going to be rubbish and screw things up all kinds of new.  I thought it would have been harder to convince voters to come out and support us, but now I realise Gordon is just a big Labour self-destruct button covered in flesh and a suit that's not cut as well as the one my tailor hand made while I whipped him a gently."

Political expert Marcus Oakley said, "Saying that a secret plot to oust you as leader of the party a few months before a general election, the third plot to challenge leadership in less than 2 years, is a storm in the tea cup is like waking up to find your balls have swollen to space-hopper size and commenting that sitting down 'may be a tad uncomfortable'".

Contact: news@TheTangentNewspaper.co.uk

Snow may cause cancer.

Women asks Pope, "Why won't you acknowledge our son?"

Universities to produce even more morons.

posted by The Ed at 8:54 AM

SNOW MAY CAUSE CANCER.

As snow continues to cause disruption all over the UK experts have warned that the evil white fluffy stuff may start to cause cancer because, "it's just that much of a dick."

"I will kill again".

Ray Barrs of Snow Studies UK said, "We are in uncharted territory here.  We haven't a few weeks of intermittent snow for hundreds of years.  We've delved into the history books and found anecdotal records of similar snow fall during the winter of 1787 but the last entry is the ramblings of a mad man and mentions canibilism quite a lot..."

"Could snow cause cancer?  That's what you're asking me, yeah?  Well why not?  If it cripples a national stronghold like British trains then it strikes me as pretty obvious that it can cause terminal illness."

Religious leaders have been bending events to fit Biblical text and are preaching of a snowy apocalypse to startled congregations.  Reverend Halladay of the Church of Latter Day Lunatics said, "It's all there in Revelations.  Don't read it though, just trust me.  It's clear what is happening.  God, the real God, the Old Testament God is punishing us for our sinful lives of not attending church and letting roof fund raisers fail.  Too many of us live like this and God will not take any more.  The only way we can appease God's wrath is to start ritualistically sacrificing all babies who have been born since the snowfall started."

The snow has affected rail services and has caused closures of schools, airports and hospitals.  In Hampshire the military were called in to deal with snowfall on a road and proceeded to "shoot it up a bit."  Andy McNab is expected to commemorate the operation with a novel by next week.

Government officials are worried that the public may act hystercially and make matters worse.  As one Government aide said, "There are a lot of idiots in this counry, after all."  Pat McEwen, a concerned idiot from Surrey said, "I swear, if that snow comes near my children I'll do time.  No ifs, no buts."

Dave Milling, 34, said, "If one more flake of snow falls from the sky it's anarchy.  I'll be straight down the high street looting for the essentials to tide me and my family through.  First I'll hit Argos for some High Def tellys and then onto the Apple store for one of those Macbooks."

Stuart Carlin called in from a car on the A3 to say, "I've been stuck on this road for 12 hours.  12 hours in a Punto.  I've got my wife and 3 kids...  And now I hears this stuff is going to give me and my family cancer... the gun I have only has 4 bullets in..."

Reports are emerging that an A-level Geography student has been burned on a stake as a heretic in Henley-on-Thames town square after telling everyone that the snow would melt.

Contact: news@TheTangentNewspaper.co.uk

Women asks Pope, "Why won't you acknowledge our son?"

Universities to produce more morons.

Simon Cowell declares himself world's 'jammiest bastard'.

posted by The Ed at 4:32 PM