Timid, visibly shaken aides have leapt to Gordon Brown's defence, muttering that the PM is not a bully, while nervously checking over their shoulders.

The defence was made after an anti-bullying charity revealed it had been contacted by staff at Brown's office.

Dark Lord of Labour Peter Mandelson also spoke in Brown's defence.  Appearing in a cloud of smoke, Mandelson said, "I can categorically state Gordon is not  a bully.  He is demanding of people and some people may call that bullying but I call those people wusses."

The PM has previously admitted to 'throwing girly tantrums' when he gets angry.  Brown has said these involve throwing things about.  Brown has said since, "Any anger is directed at myself.  So what I meant to say was I throw things at myself.  I once bounced a stapler off my own head.  Sometimes when I get really angry I crash my fists into walls.  It's what all mentally sound world leaders do."

One former office worker, who wishes to remain anonymous, said, "I have seen him jump on the back of a person in the office and proceed to lash at him with a whip like he's a jockey trying to encourage a horse to perform better.  It was barbaric.  He's hardly a light man...  When the last gasps of life expel from those he has pushed too far he laughs at their failings and shouts 'this one is broken, fetch me a new one!"

"I know it sounds bad, but I can honestly say it wasn't as bad as working for Subway."

David Cameron refused to comment on the allegations citing his fear of 'receiving a noogie or an epic wedgie at the hands of the PM'.

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"There will be a stall manned by Mandy where the customer will always win a prize.  By the time they get home they'll realise the prize wasn't worth the price of playing the game, but it's the fun in taking part that counts - sort of like getting a University education these days."

"The ghost train will feature images that are so haunting they stalk our waking days as well as our nightmares.  No matter how much we try to shake off the anxiety these apparitions bring us we know that once seen they will never quite leave us alone, they will pose their shadowy spectre over everything we do from then on.  The Ghost train will be named after my esteemed former boss Tony Blair."

"I can also promise the people the most efficient, thrill inducing rollercoaster the world has seen.  The finance for building this will be secured using our Private Finance Initiative scheme and it is hoped that the rollercoaster will be abandoned after running spectacularly over budget and being years behind schedule."

"Scream if you want to go faster!"

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Experts have warned Reader's Digest publishers that the magazine needs to revamp with much more emphasis on semi-naked girls if it is to recover its market position, after it was revealed that the company has entered administration.

The magazine, best known for it's conservative stance, helping to make smoking look even cooler and articles about wide ranging topics such as 'Britain's most haunted decommissioned deep fat fryers', 'The anatomy and physiology of ferrets', and 'The best of the best slip on shoes: tried and tested', has seen readership decline steadily over the years.

As media expert Avis Steimle explains, "Reader's Digest finds itself in this position for a number of reasons.  The market as a whole is suffering right now, obviously.  Their readership is made up, primarily, of people over 35.  Who wants to appeal to those people?  Have you ever tried selling something to an old person, first they want you to listen to their life story, then they complain about the price, then they tell you they've had one of whatever you're selling before and didn't like it." 

"Can people in that demographic even control their bladder?  I doubt it.  A lot of Reader's Digest readers will simply have died and Reader's Digest hasn't been able to replace them with a living, upwardly mobile, younger readership with plenty of disposable income."

"Reader's Digest needs to revamp or die.  Does it want to be a dodo or Madonna?  If the dodo had realised it was near the end of it's product cycle it might have been able to save itself by squeezing into some Lycra and rubbing up against Justin Timberlake.  The market is dominated by magazines who advertise aggressively and have better content, better content being lots of boobage.  It's not rocket science."

"First thing would be to ditch the name.  Rebrand.  Become RD.  Say it, it rolls of the tongue nice.  Then get a girl with humongous knockers.  Forget double D or any of that small time nonsense.  RD needs bigger.  Unrealistic breast bigger.  I mean GIGANTIC.  Pop the girl in a bra 5 sizes to small, have her holding a wrench or an engine part and get her on the front cover."

"Statistics show that the most successful magazines out there have an average of 8.7 glimpses of areola per page.  Sure, keep having articles about different types of knots, the best self-raising flour and rubbish like that.  People don't buy magazines to read them anyway.  Just make sure that the step by step guide to tying the knot is illustrated by girls in bikinis and flour articles culminate in a sexy flour fight."

Public reaction to the threat of extinction to the Reader's Digest has been muted.  John Worrall said, "It's in administration?  That's a shame.  I didn't even know it was still going."

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The Prime Minister is set to have his face replaced with a banana to help get him in shape for the upcoming election.

The decision came after Mrs Brown let it be known that her husband's Kit Kat laden diet may create an unappealing image of him to the electorate.  Apparently she was able to carefully avoid the phrases 'fat bastard' and 'I think of Cameron while I have sex with you' in delivering the message.  Sarah is said to be crossing her fingers that the removal of her husband's mouth will restrain him from his Kit Kat binges and that his inability to talk might also win voters over.

A Downing Street spokesman said, "Gordon has made the decision to have his face replaced with a banana.  He accepts his old face wasn't the most photogenic, which is the most important aspect of being a politician.  So he has chosen the symbol of the banana instead of his face as the banana represents an energetic, healthy lifestyle.  The banana he has chosen is perfectly ripe to let voters know that he will be better now than he has been in the past - you know, when he was rubbish."

"All things associated with bananas are great; milkshake, banoffee pie, monkeys.  It's hoped Gordon Brown can be added to that list.  Admittedly the PM becomes a little bit obsessed with things, which is why he ended up eating 234 Kit Kats a day in the first place.  But it's better to be obsessed with bananas than making lots of dead soldiers in silly wars, no?"

David Miliband, aged 44 and three quarters, was excited by the news, saying, "Wow, this is great cos bananas are weally weally funny looking, ya know?  Next time I see Gordon I'm gonna run right up and hold his head in a funny manner and giggle for the photo men.  Cos, you know, bananas look a bit like cocks.  Hee hee."

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ITV have been fined after contestants on I'm a Celebrity... Get Me Out Of Here were forced to open their mouths live on TV and make complete tits out of themselves, hoping to secure a fleeting record deal or a slot presenting a late night digital TV show.

The Royal Society for the Protection of Washed-up Celebrities issued the fine to ITV after it deemed that this constituted cruelty to the celebrities.  A spokesman said, "As an organisation we are here to protect celebrities from being subject to cruel and exploitive behaviour, unless it helps that celebrity become an even bigger celebrity.  We appreciate that ITV signed up people famous for being skanks, going out with a famous skank, or having sat in the same room as a famous skank at some point, but that's no excuse to inflict such cruel behaviour upon them when there's no prospect of the celebrity ever getting anything greater than the opportunity to open a new Asda somewhere in Dorset." 

"We've stood by and let ITV humiliate these pathetic, vulnerable creatures for years but last year's show went too far.  A celebrity should never have to eat a festering rat, no matter how down on their luck they are.  Working class people hardly ever have to eat rats, so a celebrity shouldn't EVER have too.  Remember celebrities are better than us.  Even Dean Gaffney.  And they deserve finer things and treatment."

The fine imposed on ITV amounts to a paltry £1,600 but some experts have suggested this is almost enough to bankrupt the company and may lead to ITV rehashing more seasons of money spinning shows such as Britain's Still Definitely Got Talent, Somewhere, or just resorting to rigging phone lines again.

ITV were unrepentant in their statement, "We can promise fans of I'm a Celebrity, those cruel, twisted sorts who enjoy torturing fallen stars with face hugging tarantulas an even more controversial series next time.  There'll be Hollyoaks actors eating each other's severed testicles, former boy band members fighting to the death over a meal of hog's hoofs and Toby Anstis is on the verge of agreeing to be the victim for an on screen crucifixion.  Please watch the show!  And DON'T FLICK when the adverts come on.  That makes baby Jesus cry."

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Your gran blamed for Iraq invasion.  

The US military should be allowed to become more fabulous, according to the country's Top Commander.  Adm Mike Mullen sipped a Cosmopolitan while telling a Senate hearing that the US military's 'Don't ask, Don't tell' policy is a barrier stopping the military from receiving a fantastic makeover.

"Can you imagine how much American forces would benefit from a splash of flamboyance here and there?  Colour, people.  Those drab camouflages are sooooo last century.  More Queens for the Marines.  That's my motto", said Mullen.

"And for those people who think gay people can't serve in the forces, I draw your attention to the motion picture Top Gun.  A movie full of gays kicking foreign ass.  Every last one of them as gay as the day is long.  Except Tom Cruise, of course.  Tom is so straight he impregnates rooms full of women with his undoubted heterosexuality."

Senator John McCain sat on the committee and was disappointed by the outcome.  "This policy hasn't been ideal, but it's been effective.  Effective at helping me believe that there aren't gay people in the military.  What respect would the people of the nations we invade have for us Americans if instead of waltzing in there and raising their village to the ground in a blitz of fire-power we went in there and offered to do some hairdressing?"

"Understand this - a gay man would not have sex with Sarah Palin.  That is terrifying.  What is wrong with these people?  Don't they have taste?  But I suppose if this whole gay thing they're going through isn't a phase then they're best out the country than in it."

President Obama's State of the Union address last week started the debate.  Obama said, "I know I said I'd withdraw troops before I came to power.  But that hasn't happened.  We need all the good men we can get.  If those good men have good fashion sense then I don't see that as being something that should stop them serving the country they love.  I'll even chuck in a free Scissor Sister's CD for every gay that I can get enrolled."

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